Are we not allow too dicipline our children anymore?

by ser23
29 replies
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I remember growing up I respected my parents. If I did something wrong ( which I did ) I got hit with a belt , slap. I Most of my days were spent outside playing with neighborhood kids, plays sports, just enjoy the outside world. I held a job, and went to school. Had to buy my own car etc.

Now, I'm in a relationship with a woman( 4 years) that has a teenage daughter and her daughter doesn't feel like she needs too follow the rules. Her whole day is spent on social media, 24/7. It's impossible to get her off the phone, even at the dinner table. Her clothes are very sexual, as well as her social media sites. When I presented this to the mother she got very defensive, so I never brought it up. EVER! ( even though in my head I know its wrong) ...... The school even has a program where if a teen gets into a argument with a parent, or need a place to cool off they can go to some place that will watch them. The only reason we were aware of this is because her daughter left the house due too that reason.. He mother was punishing her because she was continually ditching or being late for school . This isn't just her daughter, but as well as her friends, because I over heard them taking saying " your parents can't hit you, you can call the cops on them"..

Is it me or is this generation changing for the worse. None of the kids want to work, seems all the parents are buying kids cars, brand new clothes, designer everything and aren't teaching our kids any discipline. I have a daughter whom is 8 years old, and boy, if she ever pulled this on me, I guess this is a great lesson now so I know what too prepare for. I'm financial stable am I am not going to buy my daughter a car designer anything, she will have to get a job to pay for it. Just like my parents did . I know you parents are out their that receive skills and discipline from parents whom taught them how to be a respectable person. We need more of you out their teaching our youth.
  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    If she actually disobeys the punishment - do what my mom did. Tell her if she refuses to follow the rules, you'll put her in a juvenile detention home. IF she doesn't believe it arrange to have her held for 30 days. If that doesn't do it, not much else will. Just make sure she knows that she needs to be able to support herself by the time she graduates from school because you will no longer do it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Joe Mobley
    Originally Posted by ser23 View Post

    Now, I'm in a relationship with a woman( 4 years)
    .
    Perhaps now is a time for reflection... and reevaluation.

    Joe Mobley
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    • Profile picture of the author Cali16
      I don't consider using a belt on a kid "discipline". I consider it child abuse. Spanking with your hand is in the gray area. Some consider it abuse, others consider it an acceptable form of punishment for younger children.

      A teenage girl is far too old for spanking anyway, In the situation you describe, the mother's long lost control. If she's always on social media, her mom can always restrict her computer access and take her cell phone away for a day or two. I'm guessing that would be considered severe punishment for a teenage girl these days.

      Parents who overindulge their kids have no one but themselves to blame. Doing that won't teach them to become responsible individuals. What it does teach them is a sense of entitlement and to take things for granted.

      I agree with Joe. If this has been going on for several years and the woman you're dating has done nothing (proactive and responsible, not abusive) about it, then that should tell you volumes about her. Might be time to rethink the relationship. Don't expect her to change anytime soon.

      If she doesn't care about the type of person her daughter is becoming (because she refuses to set reasonable boundaries and use proper discipline - which doesn't need to involve any type of hitting), then why would you want to be with her? She's also teaching her daughter to have zero respect for authority.
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      • Profile picture of the author ser23
        I guess that is where we disagree. I believe in firm discipline. Preparing teens for the real world. You do the crime you will go to jail. I just see a huge change in this generation where parents aren't allowed to be parents anymore. We are so into a 911 emergency state. Many of reason why our children are being out performed by other kids around the world especially in Asia. I'm just venting, but I will do whatever it takes to make my daughter understand the true value of a dollar and how too success and not live in this "world of glamor" Living within their needs. My job is too make her a well round citizen and to contribute too this society. I guess many of us have different views. And I will leave it as that.
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        • Profile picture of the author Cali16
          Originally Posted by ser23 View Post

          I believe in firm discipline.
          I hope by that you don't mean using a belt. I guarantee that method of discipline won't accomplish what you might think.

          There are very effective ways to discipline children that also teach them valuable life lessons, such as grounding them, giving them some extra chores, and taking away privileges (each for limited and reasonable periods of time, depending on the reason for the discipline).

          What do you think going to jail is? Essentially a more severe combination of all of the above.
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  • Profile picture of the author seasoned
    Originally Posted by ser23 View Post

    I remember growing up I respected my parents. If I did something wrong ( which I did ) I got hit with a belt , slap. I Most of my days were spent outside playing with neighborhood kids, plays sports, just enjoy the outside world. I held a job, and went to school. Had to buy my own car etc.
    It was similar with me. I got punished because the people were lied to, or led to believe I did someting I DIDN'T! I guess I am lucky I didn't likewise get punished if I DID do something wrong. But my mother and father were STILL happy that I gav them so little trouble.

    Now, I'm in a relationship with a woman( 4 years) that has a teenage daughter and her daughter doesn't feel like she needs too follow the rules. Her whole day is spent on social media, 24/7. It's impossible to get her off the phone, even at the dinner table. Her clothes are very sexual, as well as her social media sites. When I presented this to the mother she got very defensive, so I never brought it up. EVER! ( even though in my head I know its wrong) ...... The school even has a program where if a teen gets into a argument with a parent, or need a place to cool off they can go to some place that will watch them. The only reason we were aware of this is because her daughter left the house due too that reason.. He mother was punishing her because she was continually ditching or being late for school . This isn't just her daughter, but as well as her friends, because I over heard them taking saying " your parents can't hit you, you can call the cops on them"..
    If only they figured out that it really is best that they don't go so overboard. The Bible, Ahmish, <1950s US, and even the MUSLIMS in this case, are RIGHT. It is best to be more casual most of the time. Frankly, I LIKE long hair(that the bible says shouldn't be so public), and the colors(that the ahmish forbid), and the more free clothing(that would shock those in the US so long ago), and I CERTAINLY don't want women to be so hidden, and treated as pets(like the muslims), but we can strike a balance so it doesn't look like they almost WANT you to accost them. I think most in the 1980s like in highschool, etc... were probably fine. Perhaps even most now are fine. But SOME, and the number is increasing, go way overboard.

    Is it me or is this generation changing for the worse. None of the kids want to work, seems all the parents are buying kids cars, brand new clothes, designer everything and aren't teaching our kids any discipline.
    I WISH I could say you were nuts, though I doubt the average kid gets a new car. If I had a kid today, and they agreed with the garbage going on today, I would tell them they lost my trust. If they wanted a new car later, and wanted me to cosign, I would say "Sorry, you lost my trust! A cosigner is stating they trust the signer to pay it back. If the signer doesn't pay, it hurts the cosigner's credit, and the cosigner must pay. So I can't sign. Work a few jobs, save up, buy a used car and insurance, and you won't need a cosigner!"
    My father cosigned for me, but I wasn't even LATE on even ONE payment.

    I have a daughter whom is 8 years old, and boy, if she ever pulled this on me, I guess this is a great lesson now so I know what too prepare for. I'm financial stable am I am not going to buy my daughter a car designer anything, she will have to get a job to pay for it. Just like my parents did . I know you parents are out their that receive skills and discipline from parents whom taught them how to be a respectable person. We need more of you out their teaching our youth.
    There are just too many people that have kids almost like pets, and figure they shouldn't teach their kids ANYTHING. I have noticed that, at least while I was growing up, kids often acquired the talents and interests of the parents or people they stayed with. I had one friend, for example, that actually ended up dealing with rocket science! He ended up working for JPL. I wasn't surprised. He LOVED such things. His FATHER did ALSO. And what of people like Ben carson? HE had a lot against him, but HIS MOTHER CARED! She FORCED HIM, and ENCOURAGED HIM to study, etc... So YEAH, the parents are the first teachers really.

    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
    Some more things to think about.

    Inasmuch as you are not the father of the girl, you have no real standing.
    Both with the girl and her mother. Most likely.

    When the girl turns 18, is she going to college? Is she going to try to live on her own?
    Do you want to be in that picture?

    Dan
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  • Profile picture of the author seasoned
    BTW imagine what that girl expects from everyone, including government. The mother would probably expect that from YOU!

    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author allegandro
    From my first relation I have 2 kids. 20 and 17 years old.

    I never had to hit, abuse or be very angry at them.

    If I say jump, they asked how high.
    At the same time, they could have fun with me, make jokes and do whatever they liked.
    But they always new, what they may and may not do, without being a robot.

    How did I do it?

    Simple, being very clear, making clear rules, never make a fake promise (Many parents do this) and being consistent in your decisions. I shared my emotions good and bad, learned them what means respect and I was open for new idea’s.

    Finally, if you have to hit your child, or as some say physically correct your child, then you need help. And you need it fast. Don’t be ashamed to search for help. Do it before it is to late….
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    • Profile picture of the author seasoned
      Originally Posted by allegandro View Post

      From my first relation I have 2 kids. 20 and 17 years old.

      I never had to hit, abuse or be very angry at them.

      If I say jump, they asked how high.
      At the same time, they could have fun with me, make jokes and do whatever they liked.
      But they always new, what they may and may not do, without being a robot.

      How did I do it?

      Simple, being very clear, making clear rules, never make a fake promise (Many parents do this) and being consistent in your decisions. I shared my emotions good and bad, learned them what means respect and I was open for new idea's.

      Finally, if you have to hit your child, or as some say physically correct your child, then you need help. And you need it fast. Don't be ashamed to search for help. Do it before it is to late....
      IF ONLY it were that easy! I didn't have to be slapped, etc... EITHER. But I have seen how even some VERY young kids are.

      As for HELP? YIKES!!!!!!!!!! YOU VIOLATED ONE OF YOUR RULES!!!!!!!!!! "never make a fake promise"!!!!!!! FOR some reason, a "teacher" about 40 years ago had the class do a little project. I had ONE piece of foil. I started to tear it in two, and she stopped me and said I only needed ONE piece. She came to "HELP" and started by ripping the foil in two and I said "YOU SAID I ONLY NEEDED ONE PIECE.". OH, the LOOK she gave me! I have seen SOOOOO many similar things.

      I was in a class once and I didn't understand something, so I asked for clarification. He tried to ridicule me, and asked if anyone else had trouble. Everyone said NOPE! Well, I worked through my problem, and laughed at all the questions others started asking. WHY? Because I knew the answers! WHY? Because the questions showed they did NOT know the answer to my question.

      So DON'T assume you can help, or the other person is missing some information. Do you have ***********ANY********** idea how variable and how much of a problem this is? Some problems that have existed for MILLENIA because people failed in this area:

      1. Theft
      2. Arguments
      3. Lies
      4. Inflation
      5. Deaths
      6. Wars
      7. Taxes
      8. Poverty
      9. Starvation
      10. Disease.

      Need I go on? And ****YOU**** think you have the solution? GREAT! REVEAL IT!

      Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author Richard Van
      Originally Posted by allegandro View Post

      I never had to hit, abuse or be very angry at them.
      I'm going to say something here I know is true. In fact I'd bet any amount of money on it. Any at all. I'd even bet my own Mother on this one.

      You my friend had good kids. If you'd had me as your child, you would have needed nerves unknown to humankind not to hit me and if you managed not to show anger up until I was 18, I'd say it was you that needed help. You would need help anyway as you'd have had a total breakdown by now.

      Not all children are the same nor do they all react the same.

      Originally Posted by allegandro View Post

      I never had to hit, abuse or be very angry at them.
      I shared my emotions good and bad
      You've lost me there....
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      • Profile picture of the author AnniePot
        A while back I was in a long checkout line in my local grocery store. There was a lady several places behind me with a couple of young children; both were whining and irritable and one was demanding to be given a candy bar from the display alongside them. Rapidly he grew louder and more irritating.

        Eventually, his mother took him firmly by the shoulders, crouched down with her face in front of his and told him: "Stop right now or you will go straight to bed when we get home."

        I was checked out and was pushing my cart from the store when a police car pulled up outside. A staff member had called them, reporting the poor woman.

        I tried to intervene on her behalf and was directed to mind my own business.
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        • Profile picture of the author Richard Van
          Originally Posted by AnniePot View Post

          A while back I was in a long checkout line in my local grocery store. There was a lady several places behind me with a couple of young children; both were whining and irritable and one was demanding to be given a candy bar from the display alongside them. Rapidly he grew louder and more irritating.

          Eventually, his mother took him firmly by the shoulders, crouched down with her face in front of his and told him: "Stop right now or you will go straight to bed when we get home."

          I was checked out and was pushing my cart from the store when a police car pulled up outside. A staff member had called them, reporting the poor woman.

          I tried to intervene on her behalf and was directed to mind my own business.
          This is what I mean.

          You can touch your child, threaten them with, wait for it, bed and get nicked for it.

          That is an utter disgrace and precisely why kids have no respect for anyone.

          I wouldn't mind but I bet if you'd been mugged the police would take longer to show up.
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          • Profile picture of the author AnniePot
            Originally Posted by Richard Van View Post

            I wouldn't mind but I bet if you'd been mugged the police would take longer to show up.
            Agreed! I could not believe how quickly they arrived. It was within minutes.
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            • Profile picture of the author seasoned
              Originally Posted by AnniePot View Post

              Agreed! I could not believe how quickly they arrived. It was within minutes.
              And THINK about it! WHAT are they going to do? DEMAND that he NEVER have to go to bed? OK, you remove all the threats, WHAT will you do? I mean all you can do is get him the candy he craves. Are you going to FORCE her to pay for it?

              I think she handled that WELL! Basically, if he didn't shut up, he would go the night with nothing more! NO SHOWS! NO TREATS! NO GAMES! NO FAMILY TIME! If it were before dinner, NO DINNER.

              SERIOUSLY, I hope all that unjustly punish things such as reasonable discipline are the ONLY ones adversely affected, and hoisted by their own petard!

              Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin Lethby
    It's the same in the UK as well.

    I remember when I was at school and wore short trousers and there was a teacher who would hit some boys on the legs with a wooden ruler.

    Wouldn't get away with it nowadays. Kids know they are protected from that kind of thing. Personally, I was smacked and smacked hard when I was young. I didn't like it, but I knew when I did something wrong.

    In recent times we've had stories of someone phoning the police when they see a mother smacking a young child and the child is then at risk of being put into care. There are too many do-gooders around who like to interfere.
    Also, kids today are much bigger and stronger than we ever were and they are cocky and full of aggression too. Teachers and parents have a much harder time these days.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dec Mc
    It is all down to RESPECT, we have got to teach our children to respect others AND very importantly to respect themselves !!
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    • Profile picture of the author ser23
      I dated a female lieutenant in the police force. She told me they got calls on a daily basis of " child abuse" most of the time it was teens that would call the cops on the parents because they didn't feel mom and dad had authority too hit them... She told me if it wasn't child abuse they would always side with the parents.

      Again, with cell phones , social media, technology in generally, kids now days are missing out on how it is to be outside, do things on their own and have social skills. You guys think every child needs a cell phone? Ask yourself how did we survive without it? When reading homework assignments I see text aberrations in the work. I'm trying to teaching them you need to have a skill because eventuality McDonald's will be touch screen kiosks soon. ...

      It seems I've offend some on here, but along with the woman I'm dating with children, I do volunteer in Big Brother Big Sister program, and this is what I'm seeing first hand. This is not just one child, this is majority of them. If I change make one child success than I've done my job. Twerking, facebook updates, selfies, is more important than college ; home work to them . Not all of them are privilege with mommy and daddy giving them cars, and money, but it seems most parents are spoiling them.
      We all associated ourselves with people just like us. The same people whom are my peers are very successfully and It all started with parents disciplining them, making sure they had respect for the fellow human being. And yes, a smack here and their was involved. Now, I would never go to my parents and ask them why you hit me? I'd thank them because it made me the hard working person that I am today.
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      • Profile picture of the author professorrosado
        Discipline is TEACHING and NOT EVER PUNISHMENT.
        Definitions must be had before we go on and on trying to make sense of things - as it is also true with your children.

        Teenage years are TOO LATE to be TEACHING most things parents complain about in regards to their children. Usually, most issues related to the teenaged years reflect the absence of proper DISCIPLINE within the appropriate developmental ages.

        Teen years should be viewed as "TESTING" years in that both the parent and child need to test their developmental values against their social environment. Waiting for these years to then begin to deal with shortfalls are too stressful for both child and parent with the parent losing the battle most times due to the over-pressing social entanglements the child is left to cope with. (Hence "this is my life" responses!)

        Teen years are meant to prepare the child for adult life and decision-making and, for the parent, it is the time to allow your child leeway in exercising their decision-making wings - always with your patient observation and preparedness to swoop in to save the day after they realize their error which should never be so severe if proper discipline was offered during their preteen years.

        The OP's situation is best handled by taking a consultative posture with the teen, never an over-burdening parent or "step-parent" role. Your stance should be to allow the teen to decide within certain constraints (family contract). The family contract in it's basic understanding is the minimal requirements of "staying" in this home. Through consistent weekly family meetings, the structure of the family culture can be modeled and socialized to each child. The child understands the boundaries - also, the rewards and consequences to their actions.

        Positioning yourself always as the "go to person" for resolution of any issue and presentation of any complaints or concerns will relieve you of the stress that most parents load upon themselves or allow their children to use against them. See them as adults in training - treat them as such. Do not facilitate irresponsible behavior - make them responsible. Responsibility is what turns most of us into adults - if they want to be treated as adults, then let them act as adults and do not treat them like your little baby. Here lies the biggest cause of your teen/parent frustrations.
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      • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
        Banned
        Originally Posted by ser23 View Post

        You guys think every child needs a cell phone? Ask yourself how did we survive without it?
        By having unnecessarily worried parents, some of whose problems have now been partially resolved by modern technology? Do you think that kids having cell phones might even be connected with the recent fall (in most Western countries) of child abductions, too? The people who study these things for a living seem to think so. To be honest, I'm wondering whether a conversation with my parents might bring you into the 21st (or at least the late 20th) Century?


        .
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  • Profile picture of the author Smhype
    I think you just have to stop overthinking it. Lots of kids go a bit crazy in their teens, they mostly grow out of it. Aslong as she isn't doing drugs or out on the streets at night then you're doing a good job.

    _______________
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    • Profile picture of the author seasoned
      Originally Posted by Smhype View Post

      I think you just have to stop overthinking it. Lots of kids go a bit crazy in their teens, they mostly grow out of it.
      WHO CARES if maybe 30% "grow out of it". HECK, let's say it were 60%. It ISN'T, but let's say it were. STILL, NOT ENOUGH. So what is your point?

      Aslong as she isn't doing drugs or out on the streets at night then you're doing a good job.
      WOW! That is like saying that if you are teaching a class on driving cars that as long as they know where to put the gas, you have done a good job! In fact, I may be exagerating. Maybe it is something as simple as knowing where the door handle is, or what a car might look like, that would match your statement.

      Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
      Originally Posted by Smhype View Post

      I think you just have to stop overthinking it. Lots of kids go a bit crazy in their teens, they mostly grow out of it. Aslong as she isn't doing drugs or out on the streets at night then you're doing a good job.

      _______________
      imo, your not supposed to be waiting for your kids to grow out of anything ...

      Your supposed to be teaching them how to grow into things, like responsibility,
      independence, adulthood etc.
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      • Profile picture of the author Kay King
        Aslong as she isn't doing drugs or out on the streets at night then you're doing a good job.
        Set your goals low enough and your kid will meet them?
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        • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
          Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

          Set your goals low enough and your kid will meet them?
          That seems to be public policy these days.


          >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          My nephew was a biter. I don't recall if my sister had to bite him back, but she did have luck with
          some star rewards system. I think she would have bit him if need be, too.

          Speaking of turnabout being fair play though, I think it went viral on YouTube where this father
          dressed as similarly trashy as the daughter was dressing. It made the point on her.
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          • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
            Originally Posted by bizgrower View Post

            That seems to be public policy these days.


            >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

            My nephew was a biter. I don't recall if my sister had to bite him back, but she did have luck with some star rewards system.
            We use the reward system for certain things - in most cases it works.
            As far as my kid goes, so far so good. He is smart, sweet, has good manners,
            even tempered (even when he is being stubborn) , follows the rules.
            He is the exact opposite of the monster that I was growing up.

            I am making the assumption all that will change when he grows his first pube.

            For now though, as a parent I hit the jackpot.
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  • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
    Not all physical punishment is bad.

    My kid went through a biting phase. One of the kids at school bit him and then
    he in turn started biting when he got mad.

    Putting him on time out, taking away his favorite toy for the day and
    removing after school snacks did not work.

    I told him the next time he bites some one I was going to bite him.
    Of course telling him I was going to - did not stop him.

    The next time he bit he mother, i grabbed his hand and very slowly,
    very deliberately - while looking him in the eye - bit his hand,
    and did not let go for 30 seconds or so.

    Guess what ... he never bit anyone again.

    Child abuse? I bet some will think so.
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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Originally Posted by kenmichaels View Post

      Not all physical punishment is bad.

      My kid went through a biting phase. One of the kids at school bit him and then
      he in turn started biting when he got mad.

      Putting him on time out, taking away his favorite toy for the day and
      removing after school snacks did not work.

      I told him the next time he bites some one I was going to bite him.
      Of course telling him I was going to - did not stop him.

      The next time he bit he mother, i grabbed his hand and very slowly,
      very deliberately - while looking him in the eye - bit his hand,
      and did not let go for 30 seconds or so.

      Guess what ... he never bit anyone again.

      Child abuse? I bet some will think so.
      Ken, that's exactly how my mom dealt with those types of incidents.

      They worked! I, being the second born, got to watch all of this happen with my older sister and I was a quick study, lol!


      Terra
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  • Profile picture of the author Rod Cortez
    My father was a hard man. He used the belt a lot on me. Occasionally he would strike me with his fist. It took years of therapy to overcome many of the emotional and psychological traumas that man put upon me. I'm all for tough discipline, but hitting me the way he did wasn't discipline, it was child abuse. Though the physical hitting was bad enough, I suffered more from the things that came out of his mouth, much of it I could never repeat here.

    Some people justify it because they're from the "old school" and that's just the way it was when they grew up. Just because something was done in the past doesn't necessarily make it right. I'd like to believe that as a species, our knowledge and wisdom base has grown enough to where hitting a child is no longer necessary since we do have techniques that are far more effective.

    Now having written that, I do believe in firm and stern discipline. What I don't believe in is having to use physical force like a wooden spoon or a belt to make your point. To me that's lazy parenting. The first 6 years of a child's life is the most formative and that's the time when one has to teach their child proper manners, respect, and how to behave.

    So what does one do when they happen to get a child who is out of control no matter what you do? That's when you have to call in the professionals. Personally, from my own studies about parenting and child psychology, this is a complex issue. There really isn't one-size-fits-all approach and even the experts argue among themselves.

    When it comes to teenagers, it's a whole different ball game. In extreme cases I've seen rowdy, unruly teenagers get sent to these tough boot camps, but the jury is still out if those really work or not.

    Going back to children, though, you can discipline them without having to touch them. Sadly, many parents don't have the tools or the knowledge to do this so they resort to what they learned from their parents; and oftentimes, it's hitting the children or yelling at them.

    RoD
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