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How do you make Holy Water?

by MissTerraK
29 replies
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I had this spritely little old man ask me a question today at the store.

He asked me "How do you make Holy Water?"

I didn't know how to answer, so I told him the only way I knew how to put holes in water was in the winter when guys used an auger to make ice fishing holes.

He replied, "No, No, No! You know how you make Holy Water? You boil the Hell out of it!"


Hahahaha!


Terra
  • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
    Thanks!

    I don't know any holy water jokes that I could say here on the forum. So, I'll leave this goofy one for you.

    It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

    Patrick
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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Originally Posted by Enfusia View Post

      Thanks!

      I don't know any holy water jokes that I could say here on the forum. So, I'll leave this goofy one for you.

      It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

      Patrick
      Ha!

      That's funny too.


      Terra
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      • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
        Here's a couple of goofy ones for ya...

        Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

        And...

        A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


        Terra
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        • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
          Ok, here are a couple I like.

          There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.


          Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!


          I started a band and ended up calling it 999 Megabytes. Because, we haven't gotten a gig yet.

          Patrick
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          • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
            And a few more just for the heck of it.


            1 kilogram of figs falling 1 meter per second squared: 1 Fig Newton

            Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

            Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

            A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

            If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

            When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

            Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
            A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.


            Well, what do you all got?


            Terra
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        • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
          Originally Posted by MissTerraK View Post

          Here's a couple of goofy ones for ya...

          Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

          And...

          A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


          Terra
          I won't hold my breath, but I hope I can use that line about the chess players someday.
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          "If you think you're the smartest person in the room, then you're probably in the wrong room."

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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    Elephant walks into a bar.
    Barman says, "why the long face?"
    Elephant replies, "cos I jus' ran a horse down in my car, so quit bein' a wise guy an' pour me a frickin' beer."
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    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      I know this one (Rhyme) off by heart for some reason. And it explains something.

      The Dogs...

      The dogs once had a meeting, they came from near and far
      Some travelled up by aeroplane and some by motor car.

      But, before inside the village hall, they were allowed to look.
      Each had to take his asshole off and hang it on a hook.

      Into the village hall they marched, mother, son and sire
      But hardly were they settled down, when someone shouted "Fire"

      Out they rushed, all in a heap, not bothering to look
      Each grabbed the nearest asshole, from off the nearest hook.

      Onto the village green they ran and scattered far and wide.
      Each with the nasty feeling that they had the wrong backside.

      And that is why to this very day, a dog will leave a home
      To go and smell another's bum, in the hope to find his own.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    If a fly didn't have wings, would it be called a walk?
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    When I rear ended a car a midget got out, looked at his bumper and came to me and said "I'm not happy". So I asked, "Which one are you?" That's when the fight started.

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
    The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
    And that's when the fight started…
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Okay, some more...

      Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

      When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

      And...

      Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


      Terra
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      • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
        Ok, on that note. Here's a few that I made up a few years back.

        What do you call it when your sister wrecks her bike into a tree in the forest?

        Endo Me Tree Oh Sis.


        What do you call a Japanese female attorney?
        Sue She

        What do you call a bag full of bibles?
        Sack Ah Religious


        Patrck
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Why don't you find asprin in the tropics.

          Cos the Parrots-eat-em-all

          Dreadful
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          • Profile picture of the author HeySal
            Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

            Why don't you find asprin in the tropics.

            Cos the Parrots-eat-em-all

            Dreadful
            Glad you said "dreadful" 'cause I didn't get it.

            Mike - Walnuts, of course.

            What did the robot say to the gas pump? "Get your damned finger out of your ear and listen to me."
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            Sal
            When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
            Beyond the Path

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            • Profile picture of the author BIG Mike
              Banned
              [DELETED]
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              • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
                Originally Posted by BIG Mike View Post

                And what do you have when you have nuts on your chest?
                A scene from one of Claude's porn movies.
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                So that blind people can hate them as well.
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            • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
              Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

              Glad you said "dreadful" 'cause I didn't get it.

              Mike - Walnuts, of course.

              What did the robot say to the gas pump? "Get your damned finger out of your ear and listen to me."
              Parrots-eat-em-all:
              Paracetamol
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              Feel The Power Of The Mark Side

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  • Profile picture of the author webmarketer
    Does the pope's bath water count?
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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Originally Posted by webmarketer View Post

      Does the pope's bath water count?
      No, it does not. Water doesn't have a brain or mouth, so it cannot count.



      Terra
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      • Profile picture of the author webmarketer
        Lol. Touché. Silly me.


        Originally Posted by MissTerraK View Post

        No, it does not. Water doesn't have a brain or mouth, so it cannot count.



        Terra
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        • Profile picture of the author Kurt
          Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

          If Claude was an aquatic animal, what would he be?


          A bellyfish.
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          If Kurt were a fish, what kind would he be?

          A very nice kind fish.
          Just FYI, smellyfish would also have been correct when describing what type of aquatic animal you are.
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          • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
            Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

            Just FYI, smellyfish would also have been correct when describing what type of aquatic animal you are.
            And for you, I was thinking a beautiful fish, that helped other...less fortunate fish.

            By the way, I found the formula for making Holy Water;

            1) Fill a bucket with water
            2) Call it Holy Water.
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            What if they're not stars? What if they are holes poked in the top of a container so we can breath?
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            • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
              Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

              And for you, I was thinking a beautiful fish, that helped other...less fortunate fish.

              By the way, I found the formula for making Holy Water;

              1) Fill a bucket with water
              2) Call it Holy Water.
              There's a Holy in my bucket dear Whitacre, dear Whitacre..
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              • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
                According to the vet's diagnosis, my pet bear's diarrhea problem is finally starting to clear up - but he's not out of the woods yet.

                .
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                • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                  Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

                  According to the vet's diagnosis, my pet bear's diarrhea problem is finally starting to clear up - but he's not out of the woods yet.

                  .
                  I think I can speak for the entire Forum. We hate you.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    If Claude was an aquatic animal, what would he be?


    A bellyfish.
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      If Claude was an aquatic animal, what would he be?


      A bellyfish.
      If Kurt were a fish, what kind would he be?

      A very nice kind fish.
      Signature
      One Call Closing book https://www.amazon.com/One-Call-Clos...=1527788418&sr

      What if they're not stars? What if they are holes poked in the top of a container so we can breath?
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  • Profile picture of the author johnsmithsruuk
    You have to make Heavenly Salt before you can make Blessed Water, so bless the salt first. Also, for the record, the salt is for the most part utilized as an additive. Because it's blessed doesn't mean it'll keep until the end of time! Here's the beatitude of the salt:
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    • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
      Originally Posted by johnsmithsruuk View Post

      You have to make Heavenly Salt before you can make Blessed Water, so bless the salt first. Also, for the record, the salt is for the most part utilized as an additive. Because it's blessed doesn't mean it'll keep until the end of time! Here's the beatitude of the salt:
      Half past nine.
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      Why do garden gnomes smell so bad?
      So that blind people can hate them as well.
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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Originally Posted by johnsmithsruuk View Post

      You have to make Heavenly Salt before you can make Blessed Water, so bless the salt first. Also, for the record, the salt is for the most part utilized as an additive. Because it's blessed doesn't mean it'll keep until the end of time! Here's the beatitude of the salt:
      Well, then if lawyers are disbarred, and clergymen defrocked, does it not follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged , models deposed, dry-cleaners depressed, bed makers debunked, baseball players debased, landscapers deflowered, software engineers detested, underwear manufacturers debriefed, or musical composers decomposed?


      Terra
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