You know you drink too much when

Here's one that Robin Williams said in one of his stand up routines."I quit drinking because I got tired of waking up naked on the hood of my car with my keys shoved up my as... Yesterday my neighbor saw me and asked if he could help me. I told him no thanks,I think it's just flooded"!

Whats funny is that the road the caught him on is out in the middle of nowhere. So this guy was buck naked at almost 4am in the morning, in the middle of central florida in the boonies, and all he can remember is that he was at hooters earlier.

so where was he putting his bike keys?

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

i still think the funniest drunk story is one on an old 33-rpm record when i was a little kid. the comedian was shelly berman and probably no one remembers him but he was really funny.

well actually it is a hangover story but he says:

"my tongue is asleep and my teeth itch".