How is my Pitch ?

by Glad Maker 14 replies
Hi Guys,

Can you please give me a feed back on my pitch which i am about to send to my customers for our upcoming service.

"We can send you more customer then you get from your facebook, your social media, your email campaign, your online advertising and marketing campaign, your best performing indirect sales channel or any 3rd party website. Either we deliver you more customers or we do a refund!"

We are coming up with a new service where we ask the businesses and merchants that who delivers them the most customers and then we will beat that source and out perform it. If we are unable to, then we do a refund.

Well do let me know how is my pitch. And yes we can really do it .
Thanx A Lot.
#off topic forum #pitch
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  • Profile picture of the author David Jones42
    yes it's impressive one. well done and all the best.
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    Top mobile app, games, and web development company in India AIS Technolabs

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  • Profile picture of the author Glad Maker
    Thanx David, all the best to u too.
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  • Profile picture of the author hardraysnight
    try using microsoft word grammar check
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  • Profile picture of the author DWolfe
    It lacks credibilty and sounds like a desperate pitch. Being the cheapest usullay means 1 or 2, things poor service and or low quality. Just because you can say your service can beat any price or offer a refund. Does not build any real credibilty with a purchaser.

    Realize your competitors will say the same thing. However they promote the value of what they are selling besides low price. Think what value you are providing to compete. Are you offering more support ? better quality ? You have to figure this into your pitch to create some credibilry. Or go at another angle, answer the problem the customer may experience.
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  • Profile picture of the author yukon
    Originally Posted by Glad Maker View Post

    We can send you more customer...

    Great, so they get more of one customer.
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    Hi
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  • Profile picture of the author perryny
    This pitch...

    Originally Posted by Glad Maker View Post

    We are coming up with a new service where we ask the businesses and merchants that who delivers them the most customers and then we will beat that source and out perform it. If we are unable to, then we do a refund.
    ... is better than this pitch.

    Originally Posted by Glad Maker View Post

    "We can send you more customer then you get from your facebook, your social media, your email campaign, your online advertising and marketing campaign, your best performing indirect sales channel or any 3rd party website. Either we deliver you more customers or we do a refund!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Glad Maker
    Hey guys , Thanx for the valuable input.
    Let me open up a little more...
    This is a pitch for an upcoming deals and discount site.
    That won't charge any commissions on the sales, making businesses and merchants more money.
    We tell businesses and merchants that if they get 1000 customers from a famous daily deal site.
    We can send them more then 1000 customers. Make them more profit.
    If we are unable to do it. Then we refund their fee. simple...
    So in this context.... now tell me.. is it fine ? or not ?
    Thanx again
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    • Profile picture of the author Oziboomer
      Originally Posted by Glad Maker View Post

      Hey guys , Thanx for the valuable input.
      Let me open up a little more...
      This is a pitch for an upcoming deals and discount site.
      That won't charge any commissions on the sales, making businesses and merchants more money.
      We tell businesses and merchants that if they get 1000 customers from a famous daily deal site.
      We can send them more then 1000 customers. Make them more profit.
      If we are unable to do it. Then we refund their fee. simple...
      So in this context.... now tell me.. is it fine ? or not ?
      Thanx again
      If working in an English speaking market you need to sort out your "then" and "than" and eliminate the "that"

      Best regards,

      Ozi
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  • Profile picture of the author agmccall
    Are you actually sending customers or traffic, they are 2 different things. If you send tons of junk traffic that does not convert then you are not sending customers and will probably be refunding quite a few orders

    al
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    If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?~Scott Adams~
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  • Profile picture of the author MikeFriedman
    Even ignoring all the grammatical errors, the pitch is awful.

    It evokes zero emotional response. It does nothing to move me at all.
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  • Profile picture of the author Glad Maker
    get more customers, make more profit or get a refund.
    how is that one?
    thanx again
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    • Profile picture of the author Joyce Birmingham
      Maybe along the lines of "risk free" rather than "get a refund"?
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  • Profile picture of the author hardraysnight
    why not offer a free service and you pay by results, then people would be less pedantic

    something for nothing is priceless
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  • Profile picture of the author Glad Maker
    thank you joyce and every one
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