What not to say to your wife

by jacktackett

Posted: 15 years ago 17 replies

OFF TOPIC

I should be writing a stored procedure, but a quick divergence to tweeter found this from a fellow warrior Tracy Needham.

Quite funny - again to me.

Reminds me of a conversation I had with Paul Myers on copywriters and who they're different than other folks.

Same with programmers.

I'm a programmer so I'm different from copywriters - but I'm trying to learn.

E.G. If your wife asked "do these pants make me look fat"?

Copywriter would say something along the lines of a benefit like:
Nope-to me any pair of pants make you look beautiful.

Regular person:
Nope, of course not honey. <-these guys know better.

Soon to be deceased Programmer:
Nope, its the fat on your hiney that makes you look fat....

Enjoy:

YouTube - Tim Hawkins Things you don't say to...

Michael Oksa 15 years ago

I used to have several answers to...

"Do I look fat in this?"

5. Mooooooo!

4. Not any fatter than Peter Griffin or Dom DeLuise.

3. I can't tell, your chins cover up too much of what you're wearing.

2. I wouldn't say 'fat' as much as I would say 'morbidly obese'.

1. (Said with a heartfelt, calm and caring voice) Honey, you look fat in anything.

Fortunately, this was only a mental list of replies. I have never tried any of them in the real world. And though I think it would be amusing to see her response, my wife knows where I sleep.

All the best,
Michael
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- whateverpedia 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Michael Oksa
  
  my wife knows where I sleep.
  
  On the couch - permanently if she ever finds out.
  
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webpromotions 15 years ago

Originally Posted by jacktackett

E.G. If your wife asked "do these pants make me look fat"?

The correct answer would be a toss up between:

"Please move your butt, I can't see the TV".
or
"Who cares, go make me a sandwich"

(yes, divorced)
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- Michael Oksa 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Doug English
  
  The correct answer would be a toss up between:
  
  "Please move your butt, I can't see the TV".
  or
  "Who cares, go make me a sandwich"
  
  (yes, divorced)
  
  Thanks Doug,
  
  I now have 7 responses...just in case.
  
  ~M~
  
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Bev Clement 15 years ago

Michael, do we need to point her to this thread
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- Michael Oksa 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Bev Clement
  
  Michael, do we need to point her to this thread
  
  Hi Bev,
  
  While I like your wonderful suggestion, perhaps it would be best if we...um...maybe, well...see, the thing is that...um
  
  I'm not sure if she would appreciate it at the same level as longstanding Warriors such as ourselves.
  
  Yes, that's just a wordy way of saying, "please don't show her! I would like to be around long enough to participate in a few more threads."
  
  Serioulsy, though, really...don't show her.
  
  Okay, I actually called into a local radio show one morning when the DJ asked how men are supposed to answer that question. I gave my response 1 from my list. He thought it was funny, and, of course, I was kidding. Unbeknownst to me, my wife was at home and recognized my voice.
  
  Let's just say the couch is more comfortable for sitting, than it is for sleeping.
  
  All the best,
  Michael
  
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Bev Clement 15 years ago

Michael, thanks for the laugh. BTW how are you all doing?
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Michael Oksa 15 years ago

Thank you for asking, Bev. We are all doing quite well, almost back to full health - actually, getting better than we were before.

A lot of that has to do with the amazing generosity and support of the true Warriors on this forum.

All the best,
Michael
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locpic63

15 years ago

The worst thing I ever said to my wife is this. She asked me if I thought she was stupid. I replied "I don't think your stupid, I think you're ignorant, there is a difference."
Ironically she is now my ex-wife, go figure.
Here's to your continuing success
Locpic63

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HeySal

15 years ago

Originally Posted by locpic63

Yeah my ex and I went through that. He actually asked me if I thought he was stupid. I told him to hold still so I could water him. He didn't think it was funny. He didn't like it at the company picnic we went to when one of his manager's wives complained the sun was in her eyes so I told her to stand by my ex he was good at bending light waves. Some other dude actually explained it to him. Some people just have no sense of humor.

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Kurt

15 years ago

This problem is easy to solve. Never say "I do".

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Michael Oksa

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Kurt

This problem is easy to solve. Never say "I do".

Ah! But, alas, the cure is worse than the disease.

~M~

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myob

15 years ago

Having been married for over 32 years, I have found out through trial and error that it is best not to give my wife the chance to ask such compromising questions. Before she even asks the question you must say in all sincerity "You look absolutely stunning in those pants."

However, this requires precise timing and alertness. The optimum moment is right after the zipper is up and just as her mouth opens to vocalize the question; "Do these pants make me look fat?"

Do not say "You look absolutely stunning in those pants." when the zipper gets stuck. That is suicide. Careless timing could get a frying pan planted on the top of your head, or a number of other outcomes mentioned previously.

Remember; tact and timing are paramount. I am a survivor.

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HeySal

15 years ago

Originally Posted by myob

Having been married for over 32 years, I have found out through trial and error that it is best not to give my wife the chance to ask such compromising questions. Before she even asks the question you must say in all sincerity "You look absolutely stunning in those pants."

However, this requires precise timing and alertness. The optimum moment is right after the zipper is up and just as her mouth opens to vocalize the question; "Do these pants make me look fat?"

Do not say say "You look absolutely stunning in those pants." when the zipper gets stuck. That is suicide. Careless timing could get a frying pan planted on the top of your head, or a number of other outcomes mentioned previously.

Remember; tact and timing are paramount. I am a survivor.

32 years? Cripes I had no clue you were that old. No wonder people hear your wife telling you how young and handsome you look in your new suits.

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Sal
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myob 15 years ago

Originally Posted by HeySal

32 years? Cripes I had no clue you were that old. No wonder people hear your wife telling you how young and handsome you look in your new suits.

Yep, got married on June 17, 1977 at 4:03pm. I have never forgotten that date again nor missed giving my wife an anniversary present and an evening out since June 17, 1978. That first wedding anniversary was a day in hell, when she asked me if she looked fat in her new dress. I inattentively grunted "Yep" and then asked her why she was dressing up. If any one of those wedding gifts that she threw at me had been unwrapped, I would not be here.
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Killer Joe

15 years ago

Originally Posted by myob

Do not say say "You look absolutely stunning in those pants." when the zipper gets stuck. That is suicide. Careless timing could get a frying pan planted on the top of your head, or a number of other outcomes mentioned previously.

Priceless

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affmrktng 15 years ago

very funny. I think women should not even bother asking men those questions. Things would just roll smoother if neither one went there.
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What not to say to your wife

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