I need REAL urgent advice.

[ineedyourhelp]

This might be a long thread just to let you know.

Hi everyone how are you doing?

I'm using a different login to be anonymous.

I chose this forum because this problem has taken me away from IM (for a few years now actually) and as an IM forum I think I can find real genuine advice.

I have been married for a year and a half now (I am 27 now) and hate every second of it. The person I married is not the person I thought I would spend my life with, she's not the person I fell inlove with.

She was an extremely sweet person and besides the rare arguement everyone was good. I am going to divide the "problems" into sections.

1) She was overweight by about 60-70 pounds.


When I met her, she was overweight BUT I got numerous promises that this problem would be resolved "soon". She was making an effort in the beginning (before I even met her), then everything stopped.

I (stupid me) thought it was just wedding preperations and stuff like that so its only a phase and then she would continue once everything is over and we are settled. Now a year and a half later she is 100pounds overweight and keeps gaining weight.

She refuses to listen, she is addicted to: french fries, chocolate, and chips and ONLY eats these before she sleeps. I have paid more $10,000 on her from gym memberships (not ANY gym, a 5* one minimum) plus diets, nutritionists, and machines that supposedly make u lose weight.

2) The dominating personality

Before we got married she (i think like any typical woman to a certain extent) always prefered things HER way. Things like the wedding date and decor food etc...which was fine with me when it came to these things.

Although I DO NOT let her dominate (my personality is NOT weak at all), this causes numerous fights because when things do not go HER way that means its the WRONG way according to her. What I'm saying is, there is NO compromise at all.

She acts like a dictator and has this notion that everyone is working for her.

3) The disrespect

All my life I have respected everyone, its common sense, my religon imposes it, and its how I've been brought up. I have never had a major issue with anyone (except the stupid teenage stuff which is normal I think) all my life, but her its a different story. I know that with marriage these things happen but compared with my EXes, this is wayyyyyyyyyy too much.

She swears a lot (I do too AFTER she starts, again NEVER had this problem with ANYONE before), de-mans me often, and always puts me down (between me and her, NEVER infront of anyone).

Even with "guy" stuff (such as assembly of furniture and using tools) she has to de-man me.


4) 0 Action

Since the incremental weight gain, I do NOT feel like I want to do anything with her. I wont go into the details here but I'm sure you understand what I mean.

5) Changing of what was promised

OK BEFORE we got married the plan was to live somewhere with less pay and lower living standards. Now I decided to move to another better place with MORE money and MUCH higher living standards.

This proccess took about 2 months of me NOT working (still getting an income though) and she calls this my lie.

Now before I told her 5 years no kids, I'm not the KID person and I'm not ready to have kids AND I need to be sure about her before we get kids. I will not get a child and ruin his/her life if I'm not sure about the mother. Even while being sure, there's a risk of a split-up.

She wants kids now, she used to tell me how she hated kids, but now she suddenly wants them.

This is one of many examples and I dont wanna bore u.

6) No Social life

BEFORE i met her, I wasn't the life of a party but I had numerous close friends, friends, contacts etc... My phone never stopped ringing. This has completely stopped. I told her before that my social life is one of my best assets and she was sooooooo social.

Now she hates to meet anyone new, i cannot meet or go out with MY friends alone because this would be betrayal (we talked bout this in full detail before we got married). I do NOT wanna take her out with the guys and I am embaressed due to her OVER OVER weight.


Ok these are a few facts of my life right now.

I have told her a few times I am NOT happy in this marriage, she is kidding herself and pretending that its a phase im gonig through (ive been unhappy for a long while).

Now for me, I can divorce her instantly (I would have to pay a dowry but I'm more than happy to) and thats that, she would go back to her parents and boom, all undone (except for the gossip etc...).

I have talked to a few close friends about this but not as much detail as I've given here.

I have been advised to go to a marriage counsellor. Now I would gladly go IF and ONLY IF I felt in my heart there was a chance that I could actually be happy with her.



- I do NOT love her anymore (she feels it but pretends its hasn't happened).

- I feel she's lied to me about numerous things (she probably feels the same way).

- She tells me she loves/misses me and sometimes a few seconds later she's either shouting at or disrespecting me.

- We do NOT do it regularly AT ALL (I have no desire to)

- My life as a bachelor was a million times better.

- I had more money and much more freedom to speak my mind.

- She does not wanna change her looks (let alone the weight issue) according to what I like.

- She keeps complaining I never take her out or do anything romantic (I do NOT want to honestly)

- She keeps bringing up my "past" as if I'm an adulterer


I need to end it, I cannot imagine my life like this, and if there were kids, she would be even worse and the end result would be a divorce anyways and the kids would end up away from me.

I need advice on HOW to end it (keep in mind that unfortunely family IS sort of involved) in the most diplomatic way.

In our culture, a divorced woman isn't something good, its stupid but true.

I have a lot more to say but I think i've said enough. Even if noone responds at least I let a few more things out.

Thank you for listening,

ineedyourhelp

[Kurt]

Just like band-aid, you pull it off as fast as possible to minimize the pain...If you are 100% certain you want to end it, do it now. No excuses.

[LynnM]

I'm coming at this from a different viewpoint - but she sounds deeply unhappy. You've told her you hate being married, you don't want to touch her because of her size - how do you think that makes her feel? Paying for gym memberships because you want her to make the effort won't help her self-esteem at all. Does she think that having a child will make things better between you? That's a common thought.

Sorry this doesn't answer your original question, I do hope for both your sakes you manage to find a resolution.

[seasoned]

Kurt is right, END IT QUICK!

You shouldn't have accepted her promise like that. Most people DON'T change for the better or are SLOW to do so.

And the way people change, or appear to do so, is LEGEND!

I hope you got a prenup! Your statements are not likely to look good in court, and aren't likely to really affect things.

And YEAH, the wedding is basically supposed to be HER day, at least in the US. That means they often want to play a MAJOR part in planning it.

Steve

[seasoned]

Originally Posted by LynnM

I'm coming at this from a different viewpoint - but she sounds deeply unhappy. You've told her you hate being married, you don't want to touch her because of her size - how do you think that makes her feel? Paying for gym memberships because you want her to make the effort won't help her self-esteem at all. Does she think that having a child will make things better between you? That's a common thought.

Sorry this doesn't answer your original question, I do hope for both your sakes you manage to find a resolution.

But do you see the hypocrisy in that? SHE KNEW, going in, how he felt! And she is OBVIOUSLY the kind of woman that wants her husband to care for her, anticipate her needs, etc... ****BUT**** also wants it done HER way and by HER command.

BTW INYH,

I noticed something else, that you said about the weightloss programs. They ALL suffer from ONE MAJOR FLAW! A SLIGHT deviation can totally wipe it out. If protein is too low, you can lose muscle, and calorie requirements drop. If you take most sugars, more carbohydrates can convert to fat. If you take more carbs, more carbs can be converted to fat. If you don't exercise enough, calorie requirements drop. ALL THAT can happen with ONE candybar! So simply putting her on a diet without her FULL participation, is not likely to work.

Steve

[KimW]

This was a marriage that shouldn't have happened by either party.

On occasion I do readings and the one thing myself and others that do them stay away from is medical and legal advice, but in this instance I think it's fair to say you should go your own ways.

[Kay King]

When you marry someone expecting them to change - you will always be disappointed. Weight is only pounds - you can't force someone into your idea of what they should look like.

Of course she doesn't want a social life - no fun to go out with someone who is embarrassed to be with you. I expect she is as unhappy as you are and sees no way out - it's sad if your society only allows a divorced woman to return to parents.

I'm sure the blame is on both sides - have no idea why you would lay out your personal details on a public forum. A marriage should be the most private relationship in your life - discussing it with others is a violation of trust to me.

She seems domineering and unhappy. You seem restless and shallow - your descriptions are only about how she looks and what she does.

kay

[Kay King]

Steve -

My Grandmother once told me when you truly love someone you love their faults as well - you don't love well if you must say "in spite of".

If the person you marry isn't perfect for you before marriage - better postpone that wedding. A good marriage should provide a safe place to fall - a place where what you are is good enough and valued. Without that you have no foundation.

[KimW]

Kay,
Usually I agree with you, but when you say this:
"A marriage should be the most private relationship in your life - discussing it with others is a violation of trust to me" I would have to disagree.

Certainly certain aspects of your marriage should stay between you and your spouse, but there are many times that outside advice could be a legitimate help, and warranted.
But this is just my opinion.

[Kay King]

You're right Kim - I was referring to posting here and to the reference of "discussing with friends".

There are places and people you might talk to - but the best conversation about problems is the one held with the other partner in the marriage.

When "talking about it" just means pointing out the faults of the other person, to me that is the ultimate disloyalty. I'm an excessively private person - perhaps becuase my mother is one who will reveal personal details to anyone she talks to and I always hated that.

[WD Mino]

Well as an ordained minister I have dealt with many situations with husbands and wives and their "issues" I am not going to sugar coat or tell you what you want to hear.
number 1 you are the leader it is up to you to make your wife feel loved, cherished respected, adored, and number 1 in your life.

it is not up to her to change her appearance personality or ways of life. your wife feels unloved passed over and insufficient natural human reaction is anger. Buying her gym memberships obviously indicates to me you are pushing her into something she is no comfortable doing;.

she is eating more things that are known as comfort food which should speak mountains to you as her husband. I don't side with you here I side with your wife. you married her -in sickness or health in poverty or wealth until Death do you part.
end of story.

I suggest you figure out a way to make your wife feel she is more then adequate for you and to you from what I can tell your not being a good husband at all period.

go take your wife out do something that she would enjoy relate to her love her respect her cherish her wives are not a dime a dozen and no woman will let a man rule her a wife or husband is a partner not a possession. sit her down tell her you have been a jerk and make it right man maybe she has a real self esteem problem and your fueling it I am not excusing the behaviour i am just putting the responsibility where it belongs on your shoulders so square up and get er done
-WD

[seasoned]

Originally Posted by Kay King

Steve -

My Grandmother once told me when you truly love someone you love their faults as well - you don't love well if you must say "in spite of".

If the person you marry isn't perfect for you before marriage - better postpone that wedding. A good marriage should provide a safe place to fall - a place where what you are is good enough and valued. Without that you have no foundation.

You and I basically said the same things, although he DID cover more than her appearance and she should never have promised, unless she REALLY wanted to do it. Personally, I think she is MORE at fault BUT, as I said, I don't think this should have happened.

Steve

[KimW]

Originally Posted by Kay King

You're right Kim - I was referring to posting here and to the reference of "discussing with friends".

There are places and people you might talk to - but the best conversation about problems is the one held with the other partner in the marriage.

When "talking about it" just means pointing out the faults of the other person, to me that is the ultimate disloyalty. I'm an excessively private person - perhaps becuase my mother is one who will reveal personal details to anyone she talks to and I always hated that.

Kay,
I understand that situation well. I'm extremely private while several of my loved ones will tell anybody everything. What they don't seem to grasp, even after being told, that their behavior causes lines of communications between myself and them to become closed.

[Kat Bartone]

Hi ineed,

I think you have a couple of things to deal with here. The first, or at least the most obvious, is how to remove yourself from a situation that you're not happy with. Extracting yourself has many levels, including legal, emotional, psychological, etc.

Before doing this, be sure it's what you want to do. Consider whether couples counseling might be of some benefit to you. And I mean consider deeply, not just in a knee-jerk way that is apt to be more dismissive than reflective.

But the most important issue, in my opinion, is this. Throughout your description, you spoke almost exclusively of how SHE is the problem. Just look back at your list of 'dividing the problems into sections'. It's all about HER.

Situations like this happen because of BOTH parties. You had expected her to change once you got married. Why? If she hadn't changed before that, what does getting married do to inspire her to wrestle with a truly deep-seated, undoubtedly complicated issue?

Another way to characterize even just that small aspect of the problem is that YOU thought you could change her, YOU had an oversimplified vision of how the problem would be solved, YOU made a number of errors in judgement, and YOU still married her.

If you are really going to be able to move forward with your own growth, I think it would be a very helpful exercise for you to rewrite your entire post (to yourself, not here publically) in a way that is more introspective, reflecting on what your part in this has been, what mistakes you've made, what expectations you've had that were unrealistic (and why).

Even without knowing her, or you, I believe pretty firmly that she just didn't turn into 'this person' when she married you. Indeed she IS the same person you married - and for some reason you did not allow yourself to see it.

THAT'S what you have to grapple with. Yourself. Your own soul. The decisions you make. The path you've chosen. And why.

I'm not suggesting that she is 'blameless', but it's not productive to assign blame. However, it is often convenient for us to 'blame the other' - at the expense of a massive opportunity for our own personal growth.

Hope this helps a little.

- Kat

[Paul Myers]

Get it over with. Worrying about how others will respond is foolish, as they don't have to live your life.

The best thing you can do is to avoid making anyone the villain. You knew what you were getting into, but you expected her to change to suit your idea of how things should be. That is not HER fault. It's yours. Any pain that comes from that is your own doing.

She is who she is and you are who you are. Sometimes, that doesn't work out. That doesn't make either of you somehow 'bad.' Nor does it make either of you a victim of anything but your own preferences.

You already seem to know there's no way of saving this that makes you both happy. If that's the case, wasting time trying to do things the way others think you should is just punishing yourselves. The 'others' will end up feeling the same no matter what you choose.

If you want to cut the after-shock to a minimum, get used to thinking about it in terms of, "It just didn't work. There's no-one to blame and no-one at fault." It's the best answer for your family, your friends, her and everyone else.

It has the distinct advantage of being absolutely true.


Paul

[Lett]

It will get only worse.

It's your job to decide what to do now.

[valerieSONORA]

Just get a divorce instead of writing a long thing about how you want a divorce.

And read what Kay said. Why on earth would you get married on the promise of change?? Begging for disappointment. And why would she go out with someone embarrassed of her, like Kay asked? Sounds like you make each other miserable, how did it get as far as marriage?

Just get it over with.

[jpwilliams]

If you have any desire to save the relationship, go to a Unleash the Power Within event. Enrollment Levels for UPW Live You both will change massively and make decisions from a place of strength instead of pain. You'll learn how to end it if you want to. At the very least, she will learn about a weight loss program that works. I lost 60 pounds so far, deviated plenty of times, and I'm still dropping.

And I will second what someone else said. No matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. In some way, you are rewarding all the behaviors in her that you don't like. Find out how, and change yourself. Ultimately, you are the only one you have control over, even though you can influence others.

Last thing I'll say ... Step up as a masculine man. Read a book called "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida. Learn to appreciate the masculine and feminine energies that make every relationship grow. When you talk about dominating and fights for control, this sounds to me like the masculine has shifted from you to her. You've got to take it back. But go read the book so you know fully what I'm saying. The masculine is about purpose, presence, and strength. Don't go mistaking it for some sort of James Caan arrogance. Read the book. Changed my relationship.

Final thing: You've got to take ACTION. Get yourself into the emotional state to do something different. Whatever you do, the result will probably not be what you planned, but it will be something. There is nothing worse for a human than to sit and analyze and never do. Take Action. PM me if you want to talk more.

[ineedyourhelp]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

When I decided to write this my aim was to get feedback from people who are non-biased in this situation. I knew I would get positive and negative responses.

To address the "privacy" issue, I would like to say that none of you know who I am, or where I am (half way across the world from most of you). In addition im using a VPN so noone truly can know where I am. What I said here was a lot more than what I told my close friends, in much less detail.

You people have heard my side and not hers. This would make you wonder if I am exagurating or not giving 100% of the facts, but I am telling it as it is.

Seasoned: Here we don't have the concept of prenups, I just give her her rights in the marriage contract and thats all. Divorce problems here are two things, custody of the children and the man not giving the woman her rights according to the marriage contract. Other than that, its pretty seamless.

LynnM: What I told her was recent and NOT from the beginning. The gym memberships were always her ideas and she'd go for 2-3 times then go back to eating her favorite foods. What I told her was a result of HER actions alone, I tried and I tried and I tried. She would tell me always its none of my business what she eats and what she does, so what else could I do?

KimW: You're absolutely right, but I believe Love is blind, totally. You live and you learn from your mistakes right? In many ways I am at fault as much as she is (and in some ways even more) but I am trying my best to be as diplomatic and caring as possible.

Kay King: I am on a public forum but as I mentioned above NOONE knows who I am, I even created another login and am using a VPN. Looks aren't all that matter but they are important to a certain extent. Looks aren't everything but they are SOMETHING. I DID accept her even though she promised an improvement on looks because her personality was sweet, caring, loving, etc. Then that went away...so I'm left with FAT only.

Her faults are TOO MUCH and the disrespect (I didn't even mention the violent behavior) are not something I, or any human, would like to learn to love.

WD Mino: I respect your opinion and in a typical situation you're 100% right. When someone isn't giving you the respect you LEAST deserve and you're not happy with, what do you expect. I have my life and my dignity, and so does she. I have tried exactly what you said and the result was exactly the same. She wont change her habits, even in the best of situations. She comes up with excuses about everything.

Kat Bartone: I'm not BLAMING her totally, I am to blame for many things as well. Noone is perfect but compared to other marriages and their problems etc.. this IS abnormal.

jpwilliams: I have no desire to save this marriage honestly. As painful as it will be for us, its better to feel a lot of pain now and get it over with than to feel pain all the time for a long while.



I am not writing here to see whether this is a good idea or not. I'm writing here to organise my thoughts and get feedback on my situation from complete strangers. I need the best way to end this, the least painful way for her as possible.

Thank you for listening.

[Michael Motley]

Break it off. The longer you wait, the more miserable both of you will be and the more time you will waste.

[Radix]

It's probably impossible for any of us to tell you "how" as you seem to be in a different culture/country than many of us.

Quick is best from everything I've read. I don't agree with all of your points, but there's no excuse for bad manners or being disrespectful. If that part of your portrayal is accurate, with a clear conscience you need to contact the proper legal entities to get the ball rolling. Inform her parents of your decision and why. Sounds like you've already told your wife, but you may want to mention what you're doing.

Life's too short to be strapped to someone you hate.

But you better learn something from this.

[seasoned]

I was under the impression that, in most cases, cultures with dowries and the parents being involved like this, that the man's desires carried more weight. Then again, maybe that has changed THERE also.

Maybe she was pressured to accept, and saw you as a way to stop the situation. If so, she is no better than a "gold digger" HERE, in the US, and may well be HOPING that you will ask her to leave! If I am right, she can NOT bring it up to you, her goal would be to kind of FORCE YOU to bring it up. THEN she can claim "I TRIED!"! I still say DROP HER!

Want to watch a nice comedy that will REALLY twist your mind, show you how some think, and how tricky some can be? Watch a movie called "love stinks"! Love Stinks (1999) I've known people like that! BTW the woman destroys the mans life. She destroys EVERYTHING! Friends, home, job, income, credit, security, EVERYTHING! Eventually, he gets it all back.

Steve

[Kay King]

Looks aren't all that matter but they are important to a certain extent. Looks aren't everything but they are SOMETHING. I DID accept her even though she promised an improvement on looks because her personality was sweet, caring, loving, etc. Then that went away...so I'm left with FAT only.

That's a good point. Looks are something - I agree. We are attracted to certain type of features and body types.

If someone who was sweet, caring and loving changes the personality - there may be some physical or emotional problem she is suffering from. Or perhaps she is just as unhappy as you are. You only have one life and spending it with someone in an unhappy relationship is a waste of time for both of you.

Good luck to you.

kay

[falcons]

why did you marry her in the first place? we should all remember that marriage is a vow and not just to celebrate whatever holiday you want. Love your wife as you love yourself.