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Any other foster parents on the forum?

by AFI
9 replies
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We're just about to get licensed to be foster parents and I'm nervous!! Are there any other foster parents on the forum that can give me advice? I'm just as scared as the little kid who will be coming into our house. What do I tell him/her if they say "I miss mommy"?
  • Profile picture of the author Andie
    Originally Posted by AFI View Post

    We're just about to get licensed to be foster parents and I'm nervous!! Are there any other foster parents on the forum that can give me advice? I'm just as scared as the little kid who will be coming into our house. What do I tell him/her if they say "I miss mommy"?
    Hey Congrats, Jennifer! Thanks for stepping up to help the kids....will it just be one, for how long?
    Don't be scared, I'm sure you will do fine. Hopefully you get info to help answer some of the child's questions. If they say they 'miss mommy'....all you need to do is say, I know you do. Acknowledge what they are feeling and always be honest towards them.

    Good luck
    Andie
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  • Profile picture of the author Ryan Johnson
    My parents were involved with the foster care program, and they ended up adopting two boys, but it can be stressful for everyone if it's not the right situation. There were several kids that did not stay long at our place very long.

    I don't want to sound really negative about the program, but you do have to be careful and protect yourself. There are bad foster parents and homes, and there are bad kids in the program. The system is full of abusive foster parents and kids that know how to take advantage of people. They learn how to survive, and it's hard to change that.

    You have to be in charge at all times and know the risks that each child comes with. Make it easy on yourself, and don't take in anyone with a history of violence or with a history of running away. Don't expect them to love you back either just because you're putting a roof over their head.

    My parents started out with teenagers, and every new child that passed through got younger and younger. My adopted brothers were 4 months old when they showed up at our place.
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    • Profile picture of the author Silas Hart
      I did respite care for a while, which is like a sitter for foster parents. I remember a 6 year old threatening to kill himself and demand we get him things or else he was going to report us for "stuff" because he knew how the system works, and he explained it in depth. We were only supposed to have 4 kids, max, but it wasn't uncommon to have 7, or even 12 at times. Some of the foster parents had 6 kids full time, and it was all for money and nothing more. I'd say probably 75% of foster parents are mentally abusive too. Sounds like a high number, but could likely be higher. So many kids with so many problems pass through the system that the parents are just numb to it all. Lady here told one of her kids to stand outside in his underwear and that the coyotes were going to come and eat him. The system absolutely does not care about the children either, they are even more numb. The system only cares about you because you make their life just a tad less stressful, but they won't hesitate to screw you over. You need the money for expenses and bills, and sometimes they won't pay you for months after they are supposed to.

      A lot of them are just shells of children by 10, and really nothing more.

      Pretty much all non-black babies are adopted before they are even born, so it's not likely you will ever see many which is what most foster moms think about when they start the program. Kids go to families with the most money, not who you think may be the better parents. If a kid is in process of adoption to a really good loving caring parents for a couple weeks, a rich couple can come in and clear the red tape in literally a day or two. It's a sad sad system.

      This is why I support something that rhymes with "schma-smortion." I did not before hand.
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      • Profile picture of the author AFI
        Originally Posted by FaJeeb View Post

        I did respite care for a while, which is like a sitter for foster parents. I remember a 6 year old threatening to kill himself and demand we get him things or else he was going to report us for "stuff" because he knew how the system works, and he explained it in depth. We were only supposed to have 4 kids, max, but it wasn't uncommon to have 7, or even 12 at times. Some of the foster parents had 6 kids full time, and it was all for money and nothing more. I'd say probably 75% of foster parents are mentally abusive too. Sounds like a high number, but could likely be higher. So many kids with so many problems pass through the system that the parents are just numb to it all. Lady here told one of her kids to stand outside in his underwear and that the coyotes were going to come and eat him. The system absolutely does not care about the children either, they are even more numb. The system only cares about you because you make their life just a tad less stressful, but they won't hesitate to screw you over. You need the money for expenses and bills, and sometimes they won't pay you for months after they are supposed to.

        A lot of them are just shells of children by 10, and really nothing more.

        Pretty much all non-black babies are adopted before they are even born, so it's not likely you will ever see many which is what most foster moms think about when they start the program. Kids go to families with the most money, not who you think may be the better parents. If a kid is in process of adoption to a really good loving caring parents for a couple weeks, a rich couple can come in and clear the red tape in literally a day or two. It's a sad sad system.

        This is why I support something that rhymes with "schma-smortion." I did not before hand.
        Wow. This is the kind of stuff I am completely terrified of. Did you go through the government or through a private company?
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        • Profile picture of the author Silas Hart
          Originally Posted by AFI View Post

          Wow. This is the kind of stuff I am completely terrified of. Did you go through the government or through a private company?
          Government
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      • Profile picture of the author seasoned
        Originally Posted by FaJeeb View Post

        Pretty much all non-black babies are adopted before they are even born, so it's not likely you will ever see many which is what most foster moms think about when they start the program. Kids go to families with the most money, not who you think may be the better parents.
        Don't bet on it! I remember a program I saw once, for OTHER reasons, I almost want to say it was art linkletter, but I might be wrong. Anyway, he ended up having a section where they presented kids up for adoption. MOST were WHITE! And what stat did HE say!?!?!?

        Most ****BABIES**** are adopted, and others often just go through the whole system.

        For various reasons, people just want BABIES! They are more likely to integrate into the family, less likely to ask questions, the parents can feel more like parents, have a full set of pictures, etc... FRANKLY, I think I would prefer a teenager but, then again, that can be like breaking an alpha stallion. And teenagers can be VERY stuck in their ways.

        And MOST kids adopted are adopted AFTER they are born. The only way it would be before is if you have a surrogate or go through a private party to adopt one from a nice female.

        In fact, an agency in the US is trying to say they don't CARE if you are smart and capable. They'll accept you. In most cases THOSE examples are white also. GRANTED, ANYONE could play THOSE parts, but the others I told you are real. Being white doesn't ensure someone will want you. HECK, their own mothers gave them up.

        Steve
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        • Profile picture of the author glchandler
          A lot of them are just shells of children by 10, and really nothing more.
          This is the problem that will never go away as long as the system keeps producing generation/generation/generation of folks in the same social status. I would delve into this deeper but wish to stay out of the politics of it.

          My wife cared for foster children for years (to the point of adoption of one boy she got at birth) during her previous marriage. She "inherited" that desire from her parents who always had children there.

          My parents also fostered children (after their retirement!) for years, again to the point of adopting a brother/sister pair they got at birth---these guys were about a year apart in age.

          My wife and I fostered for years also. We worked through a private company in a small rural area---the entire county had a population of around 15,000. For awhile we were the "emergency" care for those youngsters pulled out of drug raids, domestic disturbances, etc.

          There were times that we were the supervisors of the parents weekly visits. I even took three different boys to the county jail to visit their parents twice a week----not a pleasant task. I could go on.....

          However, if you are in it for the money then you are wrong. If you are in it for a presence you can put in a child's life showing they can be loved and cared for without the windows being nailed shut to keep druggies from robbing their dealing parents-----THEN you are on the right track.

          We found that telling the rules right up front...and then showing a true caring attitude makes a big difference. We had more than one child did not want to return to their parents!

          And if they are wise to the system and tell you how much power they have over you tell them...
          "That is true, you can turn me in, you don't have to accept the rules...BUT I have the power to have your removed from this home. Do you really want that?"

          Learn the aspects of the life they have recently left and you will get a very good insight on how to nurture them back to humanity!
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          • Profile picture of the author TimPhelan
            Congratulations on getting your license Jennifer! Don't get scared. I was a foster parent for three kids and I eventually adopted all three. :-)

            Yes, I guarantee you it will not be easy. However, there's a very good chance it will be one of the most rewarding things you have ever done.

            Regarding your future foster child, the way my ex and I did it, we were able to see photos and info about kids we could then choose from. Then you meet them. Then you decide whether you want to have them as foster kids. I realize it probably isn't the same for everyone though, but in any case you should have the ultimate say in things.

            You are providing a great service. There are so many kids who need help and they need more good people like you.

            * Beware of one thing though, you may fall in love with your child(ren).
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            • Profile picture of the author Freeman A
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              • Profile picture of the author AmyDavis
                What an awesome thing to do. Everybody else in this thread has given you great advice. All I can say, be prepared, be afraid and do it anyway.

                No matter how much you prepare and think of all the scenarios, you will face something you never thought about. And you will overcome it because your heart is in the right place and you are doing a great service.

                I wish you well.
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