SMOKING DILEMMA

Trying to stop her will get you nowhere. Just my opinion.
Maybe you should ask her the reasons? Try to understand first.

yes i also agree this is very bad thing ,and when you addicted this habit then you can't focus on health!

If your relationship is strained already,you are going to drive her further apart by harping on her smoking. Especially at that age when most young adults are trying to assert their independence. I myself am an ex smoker and have a hard time understanding why people do it other than its an addiction,but in reality she could be doing worse things to herself. If its only a few hours a week, let it go.

smoking kills slowly...

Tell her you love and care for her, that you don't want to be preachy, but you don't want her harming her health. Leave it at that, then politely ask that she not smoke around you.

If you have a no smoking rule for your home and car, then she should be able to respect that as any other smoker would. On the other hand, if you allow smoking in your home and car, then you either need to change the rule for everyone or allow her to do it in those places.

I used to be a smoker and my parents had rules about smoking in the house (both were smokers). If we got caught before we were 16, we would get grounded. Between 16 and 18 we couldn't smoke in the house. Once we were 18, there were no restrictions on it. At dad's house, we could smoke without restrictions, and I don't recall there being any age limit on it.

Did we used to think having a smoker ground us for smoking was hypocritical? Absolutely! It was our chief argument. But guess what? They were our parents and that was good enough for them...and I'm glad they did what they did.

All the best,
Michael

If you intend that to be a "determined effort", then forget about her smoking, at least for now, because concern about/discussion of that issue is clearly more likely to reduce the chances of achieving your primary objective than to increase them.

You're justified, obviously, yes (to the extent that you even need any "justification" at all). But that doesn't make it your wisest course of action. And it isn't. Not if you intend to make a determined effort to re-connect so that you're meeting up once a week when you can.

You cannot ask a smoker to 'respect' your wishes as long as they in 'your company'. You know what they will do? They will stop being in your company.

As a smoker my advice would be to not nag her about it, and let her be. Especially since you're trying to reconnect with her, you don't want her to associate you with not being able to smoke when she's with you, because then like I said, she'll just refrain from being with you even more.

Now, when she is in your house, she has to respect that. She has to smoke outside. Same goes for your car. That you have 100% legitimate authority on. But as long as you guys are outside, and she's not blowing smoke in your face, I don't think you should say anything to her.

I hate to admit it, but I'm still a smoker. I've had quite a fractured relationship with my mum over the last decade or two to say the least, but we're on something resembling an even keel these days and I visit her every six weeks or so now. However, family tensions are never far from the surface and the prospect of visiting her non-smoking household without being able to pop outside for a cigarette in response to it all and instead frazzling my nerves to the point where I'm likely to give her a home truth that's going to be difficult to take back would probably do a lot to put me off going at all.

In addition to taking the edge off things, smoking a cigarette does actually relax me (sad, I know) and some of the best and most unguarded (not to mention unbarbed!) conversations I've had with my mum have been when I've been out in the garden having a cig and chatting to her through the open back door while she busies herself in the kitchen. I think she engineers these situations now - she was certainly never as domesticated when I was younger and growing up with her!

I thought I'd offer the above as a point of view that might be similar to your daughter's, but I'm a parent too (oldest daughter will be eighteen this week) and all my kids have been threatened with Dire Consequences if they're ever daft enough to take up smoking, so I do know where you're coming from.

I would try to take your daughter as she is for now, complete with smoking habit, but I don't see anything wrong with insisting she takes it outside. She might even be grateful for this - in my experience I think those ten-minute escapes have the capacity to prevent a lot of verbal 'clutch your parent warmly by the throat' moments

Good luck to both of you

I'm a smoker myself ..Yes, it's a bad habit, and yes, I know it's probably killing me (but which of us is coming out of this game alive anyway?)

Personally, I believe you need to step back and let your Daughter be who she is, and allow her to live her life whatever she see's fit .. I know it's easier said than done however, she is an adult now, and just as we had to "live and learn" so must she ..

Which bothers you worse? Your Daughters smoking or the thought of nagging her right out of wanting to see you?

Nagging is selfish .. Niether she, nor anyone else in your World needs to live up to and / or meet your expectations / comply to your demands ..

Love her, enjoy her, and thank God for the relationship you've been given back

Life is far to short to sweat the small stuff

I am a carbon monoxide addict (smoker).* (give me a patch for that please)?

Both my mother and my son object to my smoking around them - I always respect their wishes and go outside to smoke - even in freezing and rain. However what happens with that is I stay outside for the majority of the visit.

However neither one nags me about the fact that I smoke - and that is the point here - you are just going to alienate your daughter as has been said above, if you think this is more important than having a nice, pleasant visit (relationship) with her.

This is something I realized when my son became an adult (18) - I am not the policeman anymore - I can choose to be a his friend or I can continue to nag him pointlessly and drive him away (because he will do whatever he wants either way).

Just as she needs to respect your wishes as far as if you say don't smoke in your house, you need to respect her right to do whatever she wants to - including kill her self smoking. It isn't pretty but that is the way it is.

*I have proven that at least for me it is not nicotine addiction or any other chemical besides carbon monoxide that is the difference between additive free cigs, electronic cig, patches, pills etc - give me all the nicotine you got and I am still going to want a cigarette - the only thing different is the carbon monoxide.

Pardon me I have to go out in the pouring rain to buy some coffin nails now...

No, he doesn't. No, it isn't. You don't stop being a parent just because your child turned 18. You don't have to be a nag, you should still love your children unconditionally, but you sure as heck have the right--nay! the duty--to tell them how you feel about it.

Other than that, I agree that your approach to smoking is the best. It's the same approach I used as a smoker. If there was a no smoking rule at a house or business, I would respect it, and smoke outside. I didn't care. If I was having a nic fit, it was going to be taken care of.

All the best,
Michael

Michael - really - I am entitled to believe what I believe and I am telling you from experience. I have been a parent a lot longer than you have. (and I had a fascist for a parent who has driven every one of her kids away - and so I know both sides).

It's ok if you don't agree. That's your right.

I have no right to impose my beliefs on anyone else. I have no 'duty' as a parent other than to love my son unconditionally which I do -

I love my son and I choose to have him in my life whenever he can squeeze me in to his.

If I disagree with his choices that is my problem. I am not going to make it a problem where he will not want to be around me because I am causing a conflict (or giving him a 'headache' with my smoke).

LOL. I couldn't say without giving away my age. Just take my word for it, ok, I don't lie.

Just as your experience is different from mine - both as the child with different parents and being the parent, our opinions will also differ.

From where I sit, with my kid, I will tell you that even gentle suggestions are not met kindly. I am the same way with my mother after continually being criticized and told that what I think is invalid.

That may be why I am so defensive - not if someone disagrees or has a different opinion, but well you know it is not what you say but how you say it. To just say that what I think is invalid seems rude and combative.

After a while of saying things the wrong way, it doesn't matter what you say anymore or how tactful you try to be as you mature.

The last time I dared on the health platform was I said 'are you getting any exercise these days?' (noticed a beer belly) very dangerous when you are not fat anywhere else - I have read this over and over. All I can say is he wouldn't speak to me for months because what he heard was that I think he is fat.

Even something fatal like AIDS - doesn't think it is right to discuss sex with his mommy. Subject closed.

LOL.

Sure, we both may have different parenting styles, but how LONG each of us have been parents has nothing to do with it.

There are some excellent parents that have only been parents for a short time, and there are lousy parents who have been parents for many, many years and vice-versa.

So, how long you or I have been parents has nothing to do with this discussion. My kids seem to think I'm the best dad ever, and I'm grateful for that.

Either way, I think it's cool we can each offer different advice. And what works for you may not work for me.

All the best,
Michael

p.s. My oldest is 23.

yes smoking kills slowly....this is soo true...

If you've smoked only thirty cigarettes during your life and you have excellent oral hygiene, it is not likely to really be able to see. Your dental Hygenist that effectively cleanses teeth has a decent chance to know. When you smoke tar deposits occure in parts of your teeth that are not readily accessible.

make her eat 10 cigarettes. she won't even smell the smoke after that

Well this certainly seems to have sparked an interesting discussion with many points of view being expressed.

For me it's very simple....I love my daughter and as a father I want to protect her from harm as much as I can.

I see her smoking...and by the way she smokes A LOT, and it concerns me so for me it's just natural to voice my concerns.

Sure I may nag and she may resent me for it but I never want to be seen by her to be condoning what she is doing - in the end that's what we as parents all have to face at some point whether it be our children smoking or their choice of partner that we disapprove of or whatever the situation may be.

What I do, I do out of love for her and no perhaps it isn't the wisest course of action but I feel compelled as a father to voice my concerns.

As Michael Oska rightly says, your kids will always be your kids no matter what age they are and you never let go of that caring instinct.

I know my nagging won't change a thing so I think my best course of action is to just tell her how I feel and ask that she refrain from smoking in my company.

After all, it's only a couple of hours out of every week or so that we meet up so I don't think it's too much to ask. I know she will continue to smoke when we're apart and that's her choice but if I don't see it while we're together at least it won't inflame the situation.

Cigarette smoking is the most important preventable cause of premature death in the World. Cigarette smoking is so widespread and significant as a risk factor.

Smoking is really, really dangerous to our health. Even if we don't smoke but when we are surrounded by smokers still it's dangerous to us.
So try to ask your daughter why she likes smoking despite of its worst side effects to our health. Don't try to nag her but simply ask why but tell her that you don't like it yet it's ok to smoke but not just in front of you. I know it would take a while but she would eventually stop it if you keep on reminding that it is not good for our health. I don't smoke, so that's all I could say :-)

Don't smoke its not good to health. The main think is why your daughter likes it, better take her to doctor.

Loving a son without speaking to him about his inn habits is not loving him. Your letting him rot. try to strike a delicate balance between and nagging. It would work better.

Nowhere did I say you should CONTINUOUSLY harp on them. I simply said you don't have to keep your mouth shut just because they have turned 18.

I don't think anything I said was unreasonable.

Like I said, if you don't allow smoking in your home or car, then that applies to any children you have that happen to smoke. If you think something could harm your children, then as a parent, it's okay to let them know that you care(I didn't say "it's okay to bring it up every time you talk to them).

I will also go hang out with the smokers sometimes.

I do feel like a lot of my comments are being mischaracterized, but this is the OT, so it's par for the course.

All the best,
Michael

Epicurus, as you have mentioned that she and you have not been together so it would be very difficult for you to make her understand that how much you are concerned about her and how much you love her. Well all i know that smoking overall is very addictive and bad cos i have been smoking since i was in grade5 and now i realize that I'm in deep ****

some guys can breathe without smoking.