Need serious advice, my mum wants to destroy my marriage

by topher 13 replies
Married with four kids. My mum told me when I was 20

years(1974) that my real dad was different from those of my sibblings. She said that her

present husband, wasn't my dad. It was not a good story.The story did not devastate me so much then because I just found my present husband few months before.

My sister came to live with us in 1997, spent seven years and left us in 2005. We went

through hell while she was with us. Lying, colliding us with neighbours, stubbornness and

flirting. We did all within us so that she could preserve herself, but she broke out of

control in 2004, when she started flirting. We sent her away in 2005 to the parents in

another town. Before she left, she gave us a note where she confessed a long list of the

people she flirted with and the number of times each.

She got pregnant in August of 2006, precisely eight months after leaving us. My mum called

and informed us. We informed her to tell her husband so that they can find who pregnated

her. She was 24 years then.The dad threatened her. She brought a boy who she said was

responsible. The dad made her to marry him. When she gave birth, they parents of the boy,

knowing her background, decided that their son should go for a DNA test. The test proved

that he was not responsible for the child. Hence she was divorced.

Back at her parents' house, she decided to start saying nasty things about us. She said we

were so strict, that was why she spoilt. My husbands' enemies heard it. They deceived my mum and told her to join up with my sister and spread that it was my husband who pregnated her.

The so-called person who decieved them is close to my mum.He called meetings of different

people to spread the story to. When the story got to us, we asked them to come for a DNA

test. For a year and 8 months now, they havn't showed up.

Now my younger brother(31 years)came to this town we are in, and is showing people the

picture of the child and telling the same story. They have since convinced my so-called dad,

who is also spreading the story. Recently, he sent a text message to a family friend,who

forwarded the text to us, detailing his name and who he is and those terrible things they

claim my husband did. The man who started all this died in a terrible accident on May 18th

this year.My mum told people that she wants to destroy our marriage with this. We want to

take a legal action. how do we go about it? How do we stop this problem? how do we stop this

scandal? Thanks in advance.
#off topic forum #legal action
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    I would send them a 'cease and desist' letter and mention the words 'libel and slander'. They can be sued for either one.

    If you really want to put the fear in them to make them shut up, you can take out what is known as 'an order of protection' or a 'restraining order'

    I would then forbid them to come within 100 feet of my house, call me or speak my name. Warn them if you hear of them saying anything else about your husband that you will take legal action.

    Sounds rough for family members, but then they are not exactly a loving family and I would kick them to the curb so fast their heads would swim. I would never speak to them again or think about them until they apologize.

    Just be sure you don't let it interfere with your marriage and that you and your husband are on the same page - You need to convey that you are married to him and not your horrible family.

    I am sorry for you and I know what it is like to be from a family that doesn't have any love.
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  • Profile picture of the author Greg124
    I would advise you to speak to a lawyer as soon as possible. He or she will be able to advise you of options, and take action as necessary. Whether that action be some form of restraining order, or possible legal action, it's something you and your husband should discuss in a lawyer's office.

    I hope you resolve this situation in your favor soon, and I am sorry that you have family members who behave in such a manner.

    Best wishes
    Greg.
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  • Profile picture of the author acreativetouch
    I would listen to the wisdom of the other warriors....and if possible......move as far away from your family as possible. In order for you to raise your family in a stable home, you have to be in a stable environment.

    dorothy
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    Dorothy Carlson
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  • Profile picture of the author Karen Blundell
    I'm so sorry. That is so terrible when it's family who is betraying you. Patrician's advice is sound. Get a restraining order asap. And write them out of your life. You need to get away from such destructive behaviour.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      Where do you live?

      I ask because the idea that a 24 yr old is forced to marry because of pregnancy just isn't reality in many countries.

      What a convoluted mess. Hard to imagine a sister who has been so irresponsible and untruthful in the past being believed by anyone.

      I think you should check the law where you live to see if you can force a DNA test through the court. You say the child's DNA test has been done - so only your husband needs to do it and perhaps the court can force your sister or a lab to provide the results of the child's test. It all depends on the law where you live.

      Whether this is done or not (why would you wait 8 months?) - why would you have anything to do in the future with a family who acts like that?

      kay
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  • Profile picture of the author derekwong28
    I am very sorry to hear about this. It seems that you are dealing with very disturbed or even insane individuals who probably need psychiartic help. As a few people may remember, I had a lot of similarly crazy family problems last year that I ended up seeking psychiatric and psychological help myself.

    If you are dealing with highly disturbed people, I doubt even a DNA test will sort it out as they are completely obsessed with messing up your life. The only real solution is to avoid contact as much as possible.

    By all means see a lawyer but I must point out that it is quite possible that you could make things worse. For example, once legal action is taken, your case could then be in the public domain and it could be reported by your local newspapers. Also as I understand it, it is extremely difficult to prove libel or slander unless there is written evidence. It may just provoke your sister into making more outrageous allegations such as filing a complaint to the police that your husband had raped her.

    Therefore I would suggest you seek as many advice from as many professional people as possible, including your local pastor if you have one. If there is a sibling who you could talk to and bring to your side, it would help. Unfortunately as in my case, it seems that you are in a situation that there are very few things you could do to make things better but many you could do to make it worse. But once again, I urge that you avoid contact as much as possible.

    Take Care

    Derek
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  • Profile picture of the author topher
    Your pieces of advice are down to earth and encouraging. I am happy that there are people who can see through my situation and read a lot of meaning to it. I have printed this page for my husband to see the pieces of advice given and we will see how to go about the suggestions made. Thanks a lot for your loving advice. Atleast some cares for me.
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    You will notice I did not mention contacting a lawyer. For one thing it is too expensive to talk to them and for another it is hugely expensive to bring a lawsuit. Hopefully it will not be necessary. (restraining orders are free, however)

    It's called an IMPLIED threat. Often times just the realization that it is POSSIBLE for you to take legal action against someone, will make them go away. I can tell you this is true from both sides of the fence.

    I am threatened almost daily in my capacity and I have found that no amount of 'lolly coddling' will calm these people down. Bullies only pick on victims. Never other bullies.

    Never PITBULLS: So, when I remind them that they better be able to back up what they say with evidence, and that I have documentation both of their allegations and my response, and am innocent, THEY DRY UP AND BLOW AWAY IMMEDIATELY. I bully them right back.

    That's all I am saying - these monsters will push and manipulate and I have no doubt they are sadistically enjoying the pain they are causing. As soon as they wake up and smell the coffee, 9 times out of 10 they will stop.

    I read all about Derek's issues in the past and on one hand I was touched by his sensitivity in the matter, but at the same time I am glad that with a very similar background and scenario, I became obstinant and combative. While this has hurt me in other areas of my life, I will tell you one thing and that is that people DO NOT GET TO push me around for long.

    I hate confrontation and will never initiate a fight. However, I will also not back down when attacked. Respect and love are earned and there is nothing that says because someone had a baby or is related to you, that this makes them immune or entitles them to be abusive.

    "To thine ownself be true".
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    • Profile picture of the author artwebster
      Hi, Topher,

      Legal action is not for you. You have no evidence to present apart from a text message that could have been sent by anybody who had access to the phone.

      Threats are not for you. Threaten your old family and they will glow with delight that they have got another reaction from you - and they have every reason in the world to know that your threats are hollow.

      You have been a willing victim of your old family for many years and it is too late now to change. Anybody who would willingly tolerate their life being made a misery by an unwelcome and unappreciative guest for SEVEN years is past the point of no return.

      You chose a new path when you married your husband but, for some reason, you ignored your choice and hopped back onto the old path of being the victim of your old family and dragged your husband along with you.

      Your old family certainly enjoys being the bully and - in all seriousness - you have to decide if you really enjoy being the victiim. Many people do like to bemoan their lot in life and, rather than change it, wallow in it and do all that they can, either deliberately or accidentally, to ensure that they have more and more to moan about every day.

      Your answer to most of the tales being told is a simple DNA test to prove that your husband is not the father of your sister's child and then to publish the proof in the local newspaper as a public interest story. This should have been done the very first time his paternity was suggested. It is your right to demand such a test if your name and that of your husband are being slurred. It is also the right of the child so that it does not grow up with an incorrect idea of who its father is.

      By remaining silent on this issue, your husband may well find that he becomes responsible for the child and expenses related to it simply because the authorities, if approached, will generally accept as truth any information than has been in the public domain, and generally accepted, for years.

      Time to make a stand, Topher.

      You and your husband against a brutish family

      or

      You against you brutish family AND your husband (for surely, his patience must be wearing thin).
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      • Profile picture of the author topher
        My husband loved those suggestions. From your replies, i've come to understand that you people have grasped the kind of people they are, generally ungrateful, stubborn, bullies and shameless. I agree with you all, its time to do something serious, and that we will do. We were initially thinking that lawsuits will be expensive, and it will go public, which we never wanted. Once again, the suggestions are eye opening. I can now see possibilities of what to do. One was to get a CPS that will tape record their voice while they are saying such dirty things, as another evidence; then get the test done; then a restraining order and so on. More suggestions are still welcome. To those who replied, thanks a lot.
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        • Profile picture of the author Kay King
          A simpler plan ---- totally, absolutely ignore them. Don't talk about them - don't talk to them, don't argue with them, don't take calls from them,don't even try to defend yourself against their stupid comments.

          Don't acknowledge these people exist! They can't damage your "world" if you don't let them into it.

          Let the way you live and the way you ARE speak for itself to those who know you and you won't need any defense. Those who don't know you - don't matter.

          kay
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    Just a note Topher, I don't know where you live but in the US you can get in trouble for recording a conversation without someone's knowledge. (not to mention the evidence would be thrown out of court)

    I have this straight out of the mouth of an FBI agent. He offerred to put a 'tap' (law enforcement recorder) on my phone if I was threatened with physical harm only - but warned me not to put a recording on my phone myself.

    (if you have a notice saying the call is recorded and/or an audio tone then that is different, however that will tend to make people watch what they say so it defeats the purpose):rolleyes:
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  • Profile picture of the author Christie Love
    Wow, this sounds like a "made for movie" drama story. I would definitely seek the help of an attorney. They will be able to answer your questions. Next, I would move as far as I can away from my family, change my phone number and live happily with my family. Let those turkeys live with each other, while you move on and don't turn back.
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