The Night I Saw A 3-Foot-High Spray Of Shit On A Wall...

Don't know why but I was just thinking about the time I was a proprietor of a pub (a bar, for the Yanks) some years ago...

One particular night, I was in the office upstairs, just after closing time, poised in a Fagan-like crouch, counting my ill-gotten gains for the night, when one of the staff, who was cleaning up, appeared at the door, with a rather bemused-look on her face, and asked me to have a look at "something".

I went downstairs with her and into the gents toilets (eh, called "Restrooms", I think, in Yankyland) and she pointed at one of the cubicles.

I looked in and, well... there are some things you just don't forget, and this will be one of them:

Up one of the side walls was a splattering - nay, a "fine spray" - of near-black (too much Guinness?) human faeces!

A cursory analysis of the spray pattern (like a thin inverted triangle) indicated that the only possible way (at least the only possible way I could think of) it came to be where it now congealed was that somebody - I hope to God I don't know the offender - with some kind of explosive diarrhoea actually lay on their back on the ground (presumably with their trousers and under-garments removed)... got in close to the wall, perhaps sliding their feet up along it until they may have been resting their shoulders on the ground and moving themselves slightly away from the wall with bended knees and opened fire.

The thing is, if that's what happened, there MUST have been splash-back.

So... if anyone from Ireland is reading this and remembers a time when their husband or partner returned from a night out with a brown-spotty face, well... now you know...

I just hope you didn't kiss them that night.