My Son's Contradictory Behavior

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When my son, 3, is on the park playground, other recreational settings, or even the shopping mal he enthusiastically joins other kids at play, often initiating it himself, and even wins over more surly kids. At pre-school he just wants to play with toys or with an indoor sandbox full of gizmos that spin when sand is poured into them, and rarely joins with other kids at play and almost never participates at circle time that involves reading stories, singing songs, and dancing. He loves reading books and music and dancing at home, and even enthusiastically danced with other kids to music at a kids music concert.

One thing I've noticed is other parents and even strangers seem delighted with my son, but educators all seem to react negatively to him, right from the get-go. Not sure what to make of it. I sure don't want him to get into the dangerous crosshairs of the system as he gets older.
  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    often initiating it himself,
    Your son is obviously a bright and personable kid - you can tell that from previous posts. He's also cute as all getout.

    educators all seem to react negatively to him, right from the get-go
    If all educators say the same thing - there may be something you need to work on with him. For a three year old to have no respect for authority figures and no interest in group activities is unusual.

    When he makes a new friend or initiates interaction - the focus is on him and his personality and friendliness. In a classroom he is one of many kids and all are treated equally. He may not approve of that situation as he is not the center of attention there.

    Have you talked to educators to see what their specific complaints are about his behavior? Nothing wrong with playing with toys instead of other kids - but the refusal to participate in group activities shows a disdain for authority that would concern me.

    Many children behave differently at home than they do when in public or school. I've seen so many kids who were terrors at home - and polite angels in school or in public. Also have known several who were good as gold at home and saved tantrums and bad behavior for public places.

    It's good that you see a disconnect in how your son is viewed by others. He's young and helping him solve small problems now will save him grief as he grows older. Then again - he's three.

    kay
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  • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
    I don't know yet if it's a consistent pattern. I hope not. I'm finding that young and enthusiastic educators -- interns -- adjust to him better than the older more experienced ones, and win him over. I don't know if it is because they're younger and more eager to teach well or if they're being introduced to more enlightened education strategies. He responds least well to educators who seem jaded and are basically running through the motions with little real enthusiasm (to the point that even I pick up on it), but that doesn't seem to negatively affect other kids.
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  • Profile picture of the author derekwong28
    Three years is very young and it is very possible that his behavior could suddenly change later on. I would be surprised if you son is discriminated against at this age by educators because of his behavior. I think it is worthwhile for you to have a detailed discussion with the educators. Also, this is an issue you should raise at his childhood assessment clinic. My understanding is that pres-school are educators highly trained in Canada, especially to look for for problems in children that may cause problems later in life. Some of these conditions such as ADHD can only be diagnosed with data provided by both the parents and the school.

    My younger daughter has always been a terror at home but behave better at school or in the public. But still, she often stood out as the worse behaving girl at many playgroups, functions, and courses. We have received a large number of complaints about her over the years. She has many behavior that is consistent with ADHD and was finally referred by her school last year. After a number of tests, she was diagnosed as having Asperger's with symptoms of ADHD rather than ADHD itself.

    Both the school and us were surprised about diagnosis of Asperger's. We were surprised because we had been on the lookout for it ever since her elder sister was diagnosed with autism. In fact, the school psychologist just could not believe it. One reason was that our daughter is very sociable and make friends easily. However, these friendships could be very transient and she could break them off over a very small matter. But since then, she had been reviewed by another psychologist and psychologist and they are sure that she has Asperger's rather than ADHD.
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    • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
      Originally Posted by derekwong28 View Post

      Three years is very young and it is very possible that his behavior could suddenly change later on. I would be surprised if you son is discriminated against at this age by educators because of his behavior. I think it is worthwhile for you to have a detailed discussion with the educators. Also, this is an issue you should raise at his childhood assessment clinic. My understanding is that pres-school are educators highly trained in Canada, especially to look for for problems in children that may cause problems later in life. Some of these conditions such as ADHD can only be diagnosed with data provided by both the parents and the school.

      My younger daughter has always been a terror at home but behave better at school or in the public. But still, she often stood out as the worse behaving girl at many playgroups, functions, and courses. We have received a large number of complaints about her over the years. She has many behavior that is consistent with ADHD and was finally referred by her school last year. After a number of tests, she was diagnosed as having Asperger's with symptoms of ADHD rather than ADHD itself.

      Both the school and us were surprised about diagnosis of Asperger's. We were surprised because we had been on the lookout for it ever since her elder sister was diagnosed with autism. In fact, the school psychologist just could not believe it. One reason was that our daughter is very sociable and make friends easily. However, these friendships could be very transient and she could break them off over a very small matter. But since then, she had been reviewed by another psychologist and psychologist and they are sure that she has Asperger's rather than ADHD.
      3 years old is very young. I was wondering if I was perhaps being a bit paranoid, but my wife picked up on it as well. It is kind of weird. I actually even got a lecture from a teacher about how he has to learn to conform. He's not aggressive, just likes to do his own thing in that school setting and doesn't get into the circle-time stuff (partly because he hates to hear people singing out of tune). I don't find Canada or Canadians to be particularly enlightened. I guess Canada is more accepting of differences in people in their beliefs and orientations than a lot of societies, but that's about it.
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  • Profile picture of the author MikeAmbrosio
    Without knowing your son, it could simply be a case where being on a playground, he sees it as just that - play. Conversely, school is someplace he doesn't want to be - it's not "play" even though they get to play. It's more structured and has other adults around.

    My son - who's 9 now - does great in school, but always had trouble making friends in other situations, such as sports. He spent 2 years in the same karate class and even after all that time he barely talked to the other kids (except the ones he already knew from his regular school).

    Whatever it is, odds are the behavior will change before too long. Then change again. For sure, monitor it - but don't worry too much yet.
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  • Profile picture of the author LeeLee
    I am going to assume that you asked him?

    My theory, he likes the novelty of new people. Same old same old bores him.
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  • Profile picture of the author ReferralCandy
    Random and perhaps not very useful, but it sounds to me like he's going to grow up to be awesome. Encourage the reading and other fun learning stuff. Schools are going to turn out to be pretty obsolete by the time he's an adult, and it'll be everything he does outside of it that matters.

    Just sharing my really uninformed, ignorant point of view.

    -v
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    • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
      Originally Posted by ReferralCandy View Post

      Random and perhaps not very useful, but it sounds to me like he's going to grow up to be awesome. Encourage the reading and other fun learning stuff. Schools are going to turn out to be pretty obsolete by the time he's an adult, and it'll be everything he does outside of it that matters.

      Just sharing my really uninformed, ignorant point of view.

      -v
      I guess that makes two of us, lol. It's much like my point of view.

      Originally Posted by LeeLee View Post

      I am going to assume that you asked him?

      My theory, he likes the novelty of new people. Same old same old bores him.
      You may be onto something there. He does like reading lots of books, learning new songs, trying different foods, sniffing different kinds of spices, finding new ways to play with his favorite toys -- blocks and Lego, meeting new kids, but he's also always pleased to meet children who he knows (outside of the school setting).
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  • Profile picture of the author HorseStall
    Look into a montessori program they encourage kids to learn through play.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Sounds to me like your 3 year old can sense the vibes of the younger teachers and likes them vs. the older teachers cynical vibes. Very smart kid in my opinion and knows his own mind.

    Let him develop and get a little older before "rushing him to be like everybody else".

    Ken



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