I've lended money to a friend but he's taking to long to give it back...

11 years ago

Look, in any financial situation with friends or family, you have to ask yourself which is more important: the money or the person.

Whenever you lend money to friends and family, it's best to consider it a gift. If you get it back, it's just gravy. This helps on two fronts: you won't get upset when you don't get paid and you'll reconsider just how much you're willing to "lend."

That being said, if you need the cash back, tell him. Accept installments if he's short.

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Claude Whitacre

11 years ago

Like Dan said, when you give money to a friend, think of it as a gift...because you likely won't get it back.

If you want repaid, get the money now.

I never loan large sums of money to friends or relatives. Here's why;

If they don't pay you back, and you bring it up...you become a pest (in their eyes). They feel guilty, and try to avoid you...or worse, try to borrow more.

Or they pay you back, and it's difficult for them, now they associate the difficulty with you. Now you're the bad guy.

I've never loaned money to a friend or relative (large sums) where I got paid back without bad feelings. It's truly a no-win situation.

So get your money now, and his other friend can be abused.

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lowriderzzz

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre

Like Dan said, when you give money to a friend, think of it as a gift...because you likely won't get it back.

If you want repaid, get the money now.

I never loan large sums of money to friends or relatives. Here's why;

If they don't pay you back, and you bring it up...you become a pest (in their eyes). They feel guilty, and try to avoid you...or worse, try to borrow more.

Or they pay you back, and it's difficult for them, now they associate the difficulty with you. Now you're the bad guy.

I've never loaned money to a friend or relative (large sums) where I got paid back without bad feelings. It's truly a no-win situation.

So get your money now, and his other friend can be abused.

And what do you exactly say when they ask you with "sad eyes" to lend them money.

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Dan Riffle

11 years ago

Originally Posted by lowriderzzz

And what do you exactly say when they ask you with "sad eyes" to lend them money.

"Man, I really would if I could, but I'm a bit short myself. I've got enough to buy you lunch, though. Where do you wanna go?"

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lowriderzzz

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Dan Riffle

"Man, I really would if I could, but I'm a bit short myself. I've got enough to buy you lunch, though. Where do you wanna go?"

That would not be possible since i got back from job abroad (on a ship) and he knows that i have my salary in me.

I also planned to donate half of it. I don't know if that changes the game. Do you think its a good idea to tell him this.

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seasoned

11 years ago

Originally Posted by lowriderzzz

That would not be possible since i got back from job abroad (on a ship) and he knows that i have my salary in me.

I also planned to donate half of it. I don't know if that changes the game. Do you think its a good idea to tell him this.

Actually, he doesn't know ANYTHING of the sort!!!!!!!! First of all, the money could have been paid in advance, or in the rears, or it could be electronic!!!!!!!!

Second, lets say you were paid $1 BILLION dollars! How much would you have? Would you have ANYTHING? The answer is you never know. Maybe you have debts of 3 billion, and the $1 billion brings you to a total of NEGATIVE $2 BILLION! You could be paid more than his ENTIRE GOVERNMENT and STILL have less than he has!

Steve

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Claude Whitacre

11 years ago

Originally Posted by lowriderzzz

And what do you exactly say when they ask you with "sad eyes" to lend them money.

I say "I'm sorry, I don't lend money."

And then I may give them a little money. But I never let them convince me that it's a loan that will be paid back.

And after you flatly turn down a couple friends, they stop asking.

And you know what happens? Nothing. Their life goes on, and your life goes on.

But there is another side to this. I also never borrow money.
And after you turn a friend down? A few months later he'll be telling you about the other friend (that loaned him money) that won't stop hounding him for the money he owes. And they are no longer friends.

Sad eyes? Sad eyes means...."I'm not willing to work my way out of this problem on my own..I want to to take care of me, because it's easier than being responsible."

I know that's hard talk. But it comes from decades of experience....and never getting paid back money I "loaned" friends or relatives. And now they won't talk to me because I dared ask for it back.

It's a no-win situation.

And I never say I don't have the money, because it doesn't matter how much money I have. I don't loan it out. I may just give money to a friend but loaning it? Nope.

You'll find out.

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lowriderzzz

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre

But there is another side to this. I also never borrow money.

Well but what if you need a favor some day. We all need help from time to time and this is what friends are about.

If we don't do favors each other we will have no friends. Only superficial people that we happen to know.

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Claude Whitacre

11 years ago

Originally Posted by lowriderzzz

Well but what if you need a favor some day. We all need help from time to time and this is what friends are about.

If we don't do favors each other we will have no friends. Only superficial people that we happen to know.

I do plenty of favors for friends. And they do plenty of favors for me.

But I don't depend on them for money. I'm an adult. And managing your money is part of being an adult.

And (are you ready to get pissed?)

You can borrow money from a bank. Use your credit cards. Save money, and use your savings....you know...like a responsible adult.

You want to donate half your money to charity? You want to give it to friends with sad eyes? That's up to you. But if you need money later? Just remember...that you had it...and gave it away.

Originally Posted by lowriderzzz

If we don't do favors each other we will have no friends.

If you mean loaning each other money...that's not friendship. That's co-dependency. It would never occur to me to ever ask a friend for money. And I've been truly broke before (not for a few decades). Asking a friend for money is taking advantage of that person. It isn't superficial. It means I value that person too much to impose on them.

If you have to loan money for someone to be your friend...they aren't your friend.

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lowriderzzz 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre

You want to donate half your money to charity?

well I'm not sure about the rest but about charity I definitely belief that giving back is major part of success and entrepreneurship. But that's another topic.

I just needed to talk with someone about this since its driving me nuts. I know there are more money to be made than $2600 but I just have the sunken feeling that I'm getting "slipped" and by a friend on top of that.

But thank you anyway.

I wanted to know is it mature enough to straight forward tell him that I already want it back. Or should I find me some excuse that I need it for something.
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- Claude Whitacre 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by lowriderzzz
  
  I wanted to know is it mature enough to straight forward tell him that I already want it back. Or should I find me some excuse that I need it for something.
  
  Making up an excuse to a friend? Just tell him you need him to honor what he told you.
  
  You aren't asking him for a favor.
  
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marketingva

11 years ago

You are enabling your friend to take advantage of you and this encourages him to take advantage of other people. If he said he would pay you back in a certain amount of time then hold him to it. Next time someone, who knows you have money, asks you with "sad eyes" for money tell them no. Explain that you want to support them in being self sufficient.

It doesn't matter what happened to your friend. His job in life is to solve his own problems without relying on other people. If you don't make him pay you back then you are failing him. Not the other way around.

Next time you feel the need to help someone close to you ask them for a bill that needs to be paid and pay it yourself. Don't put money into their hands because most people will not pay that bill... they will go on vacation with it.

Bonnie

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lowriderzzz 11 years ago

Originally Posted by marketingva

Don't put money into their hands because most people will not pay that bill... they will go on vacation with it.

Bonnie

He ill not go on vacation with it. He needed the money because he had to some other people (not very close to him) . And i know he did so because we went to bank together.

The whole issue is because he got his arm broken and this got him set back for a long time.

But I'm not pleased with the behavior that he said he will give it back in certain time and also he is not calling me to inform me that he will prolong. I'm OK with that but I don't want always to "remind" him.
Or am I acting too childish on this (by wanting he to keep me in touch for what is happening) ?

I don't know what is the right thing to do as a grown individual. I know "bad" things happen to everyone and some day I might need help , maybe not from him. Although I always try to solve my problems by my self initially.
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bizgrower

11 years ago

Hard lesson to learn about loaning money to friends or family,
but I've found the responses you've received to be 100% accurate.

In this case it sounds like the friendship may be slipping away,
so it would not hurt to ask him what his plans are for paying
you back so you can make your own plans...

Also, perhaps it would be wise to not let certain friends know
how much money you have and what your plans are for your money.

The best reply to a loan request I've ever heard is "I'm sorry,
I don't rent money to anyone."

Another great line I've heard about charity is to not let it cross
your threshold. Literal and figurative meanings apply.

Dan

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Jack Gordon

11 years ago

I once owned a collection agency. You want to see the worst side of people when it comes to money? Try that business for a while. It is a true eye-opener.

You have gotten the best advice you will get in this thread. Loaning money to friends and family is generally a loser.

I believe you are thinking about this backwards though. You held up your end of the bargain. You loaned him the money. Your friend is the one who has jeopardized your friendship by letting you down and failing to communicate about it.

I would sit him down, and clearly and without emotion, ask him how (and when) he plans to repay you. That's it. Don't make a big deal out of it, don't add drama or try to embarrass him.

He came to you with a business proposal, and you accepted it without insisting on a contract. You have little legal recourse, even if you were inclined to go that route.

Once you have communicated your clear desire to be repaid, let him rise to the occasion. If he does, good for both of you. If he doesn't, how can you trust and respect him again? It most certainly will (and should) affect the friendship, but not by your doing.

Worst case, you are out $2600 and a friend. You'll recover, a little smarter for the experience.

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yukon

Banned 11 years ago

Can I borrow $5?

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war123

11 years ago

Hai all i am new to this forum and i got it from Google.com..
If he is your close friend you need not worry..but try to get it back as soon as possible..

Thanks

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seasoned

11 years ago

Originally Posted by lowriderzzz

About a month ago I lended $2600 to one friend with the initial arrangement he will give it back in a week. Of course I knew it will take longer, but its been already almost a month.

HEY lowriderzzz buddy! Can I borrow $2600? I'll pay you back when the USD hits 3 BGN!

Steve

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mozwebdev 11 years ago

Originally Posted by seasoned

HEY lowriderzzz buddy! Can I borrow $2600? I'll pay you back when the USD hits 3 BGN!

Steve

lol, nice one
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lowriderzzz 11 years ago

Originally Posted by seasoned

HEY lowriderzzz buddy! Can I borrow $2600? I'll pay you back when the USD hits 3 BGN!

Steve

Hopefully not. USD keeps ~1.45 - 1.49 BGN almost for 2 years so far. But I get your point. Thanks
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- seasoned 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by lowriderzzz
  
  Hopefully not. USD keeps ~1.45 - 1.49 BGN almost for 2 years so far. But I get your point. Thanks
  
  Well, the dollar has really been hurt. If we got back the manufacturing, which was sold to other countries, and we were the base currency, whch we are on the way to losing, and our government realized that money is more than just a signature that could be copied trillions of times, and we didn't have the debt acquired in the last 10 years, we likely WOULD be at or over 3 BGN!
  
  In 1990, the US had over a 1:158 exchange rate with japan! NOW? LESS than 100!
  In 1997, the US had WOW! Over a 1:1930 exchange rate with the BGN! Apparently it HAD only been about 1:69. It literally skyrocketed off the chart, so I will have to readjust a few times! OK, in 2001, it shot up to over 2.28. It apparently topped out in 2008 around 1.2395. It has been on a downward trend since 2008 and is now at 1.4490
  
  Of course, they are doing things to shore up the dollar, etc... It is almost like buying gold to increase the price/demand. EVENTUALLY, you end up in a position where you HAVE to buy more, but can't, and the price starts collapsing and you end up being the hardest hit. So WHEN will this happen? Likely any moment between now and about 2020. It is already showing signs of weakening though. But YEA, if that happens, the BGN is likely to go UP a lot. The prices I was using are to the dollar($1 buys so many BGNs) , so UP would mean DOWN!
  
  BTW WOW! Maybe milken affected YOU guys too! It looks like banks bought junk bonds and started failing left and right, and caused a banking crises that caused your currency to become near worthless, between 2/1997 and 5/2000!
  
  SEE FOLKS! Hyperinflation that was relatively recent and in EUROPE! IMAGINE having to pay 1000 times as much for something from the US, or even other places in europe!
  
  Steve
  
  Thanks
  
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thunderbird

11 years ago

I repeatedly kept a friend and his 8 kids (really, that many) off the street with money I "lent" and promises that it would be paid back. Never got any of it back, lol.

Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre

Like Dan said, when you give money to a friend, think of it as a gift...because you likely won't get it back. <snip>

That is very similar what my grandfather told me many years ago. He also advised that we can get better results and less heartbreak in controlling how we react to things than trying to make others meet our expectations of them.

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MagicD

11 years ago

I never lend large amounts to friends, let this be a lesson learnt. You have two ways to go, the nice way or not so nice way:
1. (nice way) Go and see him again, either arrange full payment or monthly installments, which ever fits both.
2: (not so nice way) write him aletter, date it and post it to him with your following instructions. Give the person a deadline to reply or make payment IN TO YOUR BANK. If this persons declines, take this person to small claims court. I said it wouldnt be nice.

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garyv

11 years ago

I agree with the advice given already. I never loan money out to anyone - whether they are a friend or not. I do however give money away if I can afford it. I never give out more than I'll regret later. If a friend comes to me asking for money and I can pay it without it bothering me, then I'll pay. But it's always a gift.

However most of the time I'll notice when one of my friends is hitting a rough patch and I'll get money to them anonymously. And they've done the same with me.

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ozzie2012

11 years ago

If you need the money urgently, then you should ask for it now. But be aware that it could damage your friendship somewhat. Alternatively, if you don't need the money urgently, maybe you could give your friend a bit more time to pay it back. It's a tough one.

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natebunger

11 years ago

I'm not also the type of person who lends huge amounts to others even if they are friends because in the end, you won't be as bad as refusing to lend money compared to asking to get paid. I've noticed that in many people. They feel bad more if you ask for the money they owe you compared to refusing them in the first place.

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lowriderzzz

11 years ago

Originally Posted by natebunger

I'm not also the type of person who lends huge amounts to others even if they are friends because in the end, you won't be as bad as refusing to lend money compared to asking to get paid. I've noticed that in many people. They feel bad more if you ask for the money they owe you compared to refusing them in the first place.

Nice point. Same here.

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TDecker

11 years ago

The best thing you can do in my mind is to openly discuss this issue with your friend. I know talking about money with friends makes many people feel very uncomfortable but this should help you. He might be ashamed for not being able to pay back because of his surgeries and might be relieved if you would finally clear this issue.

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lowriderzzz

11 years ago

Originally Posted by TDecker

The best thing you can do in my mind is to openly discuss this issue with your friend. I know talking about money with friends makes many people feel very uncomfortable but this should help you. He might be ashamed for not being able to pay back because of his surgeries and might be relieved if you would finally clear this issue.

Yes I'll to prove him its in his best interest too to pay me back. (So he can relay on me another time. )

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goodewealth

11 years ago

I had to chime in here......lowride......think of this....there was a time before you guys were friends......what did your friend do then? Suppose asked another friend who is no longer a friend because of a situation like what you are facing now. I can't do that anymore....this time it was only 2600 dollars well I sold some CD's (long time ago) for a friend 10k!!! I got my money back but only through death and her mother knew about what i had done. But, the moral of the story is.....it took 22 years to get my money back via someone else.....and honestly her mother did not have to do that. I just believe that we are all adults, true we all needs something from time to time but if we are responsible enough we are taught to try and prepare for the misc stuff in our lives. I have never asked for a loan from anyone....and that is the truth.....but I got through it all

(Money from people)

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Kay King

11 years ago

i'm not pushy on him since right now I don't need the money.

That statement doesn't fit with the other things you've posted. If you don't need the money - didn't expect the fast repayment he promised ....why are you worried about reminding him or demanding repayment?

Chances are this friend borrows from everyone he knows who will lend to him. You are playing both sides in this thread - you excuse your friend...

We all need help from time to time and this is what friends are about.

...and then complain he isn't paying you.

He knows he owes you and he will repay the loan or he won't. Demanding payment won't work if he doesn't have the money.

If you have to loan money to keep your friends - you need to find better friends.

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lowriderzzz

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Kay King

That statement doesn't fit with the other things you've posted. If you don't need the money - didn't expect the fast repayment he promised ....why are you worried about reminding him or demanding repayment?

Chances are this friend borrows from everyone he knows who will lend to him. You are playing both sides in this thread - you excuse your friend...

...and then complain he isn't paying you.

He knows he owes you and he will repay the loan or he won't. Demanding payment won't work if he doesn't have the money.

If you have to loan money to keep your friends - you need to find better friends.

I can't recognize what is most appropriate to do in the situation. I try to estimate pros and con regarding him.

He will take money from someone else to pay me I know that since he did so with me. He borrowed from me to pay someone else with the promise that in a week another friend of his is coming with his abroad salary and he had a deal with him to pay him long term.... The thing that time is passing by and he keeps me uninformed is ticking me out. If he initially said he will not be able to pay me in a month it would be better. But perhaps he was afraid I will turn him down.

And he told me. "I will give it back to you next week. Then my X friend s coming and I made a deal with him to pay him in a year"... but its already passed 3 weeks and last I know is : "he is waiting his other friend to give him the money..." Now i feel stupied to call him each week to "remind" him trying to find something else to talk about since I don't want to sound like a obsessed.

The last thing you said is very accurate indeed.

I never realized so for that sometimes in my attempt to do good I probably might have "hurt" both now.

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lowriderzzz

11 years ago

Originally Posted by goodewealth

I had to chime in here......lowride......think of this....there was a time before you guys were friends......what did your friend do then? Suppose asked another friend who is no longer a friend because of a situation like what you are facing now. I can't do that anymore....this time it was only 2600 dollars well I sold some CD's (long time ago) for a friend 10k!!! I got my money back but only through death and her mother knew about what i had done. But, the moral of the story is.....it took 22 years to get my money back via someone else.....and honestly her mother did not have to do that. I just believe that we are all adults, true we all needs something from time to time but if we are responsible enough we are taught to try and prepare for the misc stuff in our lives. I have never asked for a loan from anyone....and that is the truth.....but I got through it all

(Money from people)

I never asked for large amounts as well. It just doesn't feel like me.

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seasoned

11 years ago

I have often said, that friends are a paradox! A REAL friend would happily give you the shirt off his/her back(An american way of saying give you almost ANYTHING), but a REAL friend would never ask! Seriously, I said that LONG before this thread.

I have witnessed a LOT of fights between like my mother and an uncle I had. What did they fight about? PAYING the check for dinner or whatever! OK, you say, "What is the big deal?". The deal is that they INSISTED that they, and would even play tricks to try to, be the one to pay for whatever! You see, BOTH wanted to pay, and NEITHER wanted the other to. As I said before, a PARADOX!

At least you know that such a friend isn't just a "fair weather" friend, and will likely be there if you DO need them.

Steve

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lowriderzzz

11 years ago

Originally Posted by seasoned

I have often said, that friends are a paradox! A REAL friend would happily give you the shirt off his/her back(An american way of saying give you almost ANYTHING), but a REAL friend would never ask! Seriously, I said that LONG before this thread.

Steve

Very true.

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