An Audience With The Devil

I know better ways but it's just the distance. The goddam distance.

Some new, some adapted, and all expressed in my own inimitable style. Enjoy, laugh a little, and hopefully gain some inspiration . . .



SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly the plane developed engine trouble and, in spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. The pilot grabbed a parachute and yelled to the passengers that they better jump, and he himself bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said, “I’m a doctor and I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out. The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry Father. There's a parachute for each of us. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my back pack.”

The moral of the story:
Thinking you're smart and being smart are two different things.



HELPING OTHERS

A small boy who belonged to a poor family was out one day gathering wood in the forest. He saw an old man who was very hungry. He wanted to give him some food but he didn't have any food of his own so he continued on his way. Further along he saw a deer who was very thirsty. He wanted to give him some water but he didn't have water of his own so he continued on his way. Then he saw a man who wanted to make a camp but didn't have an axe to collect wood. The little boy asked his problem and then gave some of the wood he had collected to him. In return, the man gave him some food and water.

The little boy immediately went back to the old man who was hungry and gave him some food, and then went to find the deer who was thirsty to give him some water. The old man and the deer were very pleased, and the little boy went happily went on his way.

However, on his way home the little boy fell down a steep hill. He was in pain but he couldn’t move and no-one was there to help him. After a while the old man who he had helped before saw him, and quickly came and pulled him up the hill. He had many wounds on his legs, and the deer whom the little boy had given water to saw his wounds and quickly went to the forest and brought some herbs. After some time his wounds were covered, and all were very happy that they were able to help each other.

The moral of the story:
Show kindness to others as you may need it returned sometime.



THREE BIRDS ON A WIRE

A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a maths problem. After choosing a particular student, she recited the following story: "Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire. A man with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?". The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no. Let's try again, maybe you didn't hear me correctly," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man with a gun shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"

"None," the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the man shot one bird, the noise from the gun scared the other two away." "Well," she says, "that's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

"Thanks," said the boy, "now let me ask you a question."

"Okay," she said guardedly.

"There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "which one is it, the one licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it? Which one is married?"

"Well, uh," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"

"Naw," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

The moral of the story:
Don't jump to conclusions in life. Sometimes the obvious isn't always the answer.



THE OLD LADY AND THE BANK PRESIDENT

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money." The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He's a very busy man." "But I am here to make a very large cash deposit," added the old woman.

The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, "You're in luck this morning, he will see you," and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk the bank president stood up and asked, "How can I help you?" She replied, "I would like to open a savings account," and placed
the bag of money on his desk.

"How much would you like to deposit?" he asked curiously. "$180,000, if you please," she replied, and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?"

The old lady coyly replied, "I make bets."

Surprised, the president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "What?!" cried the man, "you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing.

"Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square." The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. "You've got yourself a bet!" and shook her hand. The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am, as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, "$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it's okay." He then said, "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

As the old woman started to feel the banker's testicles, he noticed
that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

The old lady replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am. today, I'd have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands."

The moral of the story:
Nothing in life is a dead cert.



GET OFF YOUR ASS

One day a man was going to market with his son and his ass, and they met a couple on the way. "Why walk when you have an ass to ride?" called out the husband, "let the boy sit on the ass."

"I would like that," said the boy, "help me up father." So the father helped his son on to the ass.

Soon they met another couple. "How shameful of you!" cried the woman, "let your father ride, won't he be tired?" So the boy got down, the father rode the ass, and they carried on.

"Poor boy", said the next person they met, "why should the lazy father ride while his son is walking". So the boy got onto the ass too and they continued their journey.

As they went on they met some travellers. "How cruel of them, both sat on that poor ass. They are going to kill him" cried one of the travellers.

Hearing this, the father and the son got down. Now they decided to carry the ass on their shoulders. As they did so, the travellers broke into laughter.

The laughter frightened the ass. It broke free and galloped away.

The moral of the story:
You can't please everyone all of the time.



THE TROUBLE TREE

A carpenter I once hired to help me restore my old farmhouse had just finished a difficult and hard first day on the job. A flat tyre on his truck made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw packed in, and now his ancient pick-up truck refused to start. While I drove him home he sat in stony, thoughtful silence.

On arriving, the carpenter invited me in to meet his family. As we walked towards the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door to his home, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

After a cup of tea, he walked me to my car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one things for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again. Funny thing is when I come out in the morning to pick them up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.'

The moral of the story:
Everyone has worries in life. It's those who know how to manage them that have less stress.



FALSE HUMAN BELIEF

A man was passing the elephants waiting to be taken into arena at the circus. He suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at any time, break away from their bonds, but for some reason they did not. He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. “Well,” the trainer said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them, and at that age it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.”

The man was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they never tried. Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before?

The moral of the story:
Failure is a part of learning. You should never give up the struggle in life. You Fail not because you are destined to fail, but because there are lessons which you need to learn as you move on with your life.



And finally, on a serious note, for those who feel life owe's them a living here's a few thought-provokers. If you take anything away from these, or any of the others, then my time spent composing this thread will have been well worthwhile.



WHO'S POOR

A rich man took his son to a remote village to show him how poor people can be. They spent the afternoon and evening there and when they left the father said to his son, "Did you see how poor they were son? Do you realise how lucky we are? What did you learn?".

The son replied, "We see animals in a zoo but they see creatures all around them. We have a pool but they have rivers. We have electricity but they have stars. We buy food but they grow theirs. We have walls to protect us but they have friends. We have polluted cities but they have fresh air. Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are".

The moral of the story:
It's not money that makes us rich. It's about simplicity and finding happiness in what's around you.



A MILLION DOLLARS MEANS NOTHING

By effort, trade and lending, a miser had accumulated a million dollars, and had land, buildings, and savings. He then decided he would spend a year of enjoyment, living comfortably, and spending a bit. But just as soon as he had stopped amassing money, the Angel of Death came and took his life away.

The old miser tried with every argument he could muster to persuade the Angel of Death to relent, even offering one-third of his possessions for three days more, but the Angel of Death was adamant his time was up. Then the man offered half his possessions for two days more on earth, but again the answer was no. Finally, the man offered all his wealth, the entire million dollars, for one solitary more day. But the answer was still no.

The miser then said, "Please then, just give me enough time to write one thing down". This time the Angel of Death granted him this one concession, and the miser wrote with his own blood . . .

'Man, make use of your life. I could not buy one hour for a million dollars. Make sure you realise the value of your time.'

The moral of the story:
All the money in the world won't buy you time. It waits for no man. Use it wisely.




.