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I've Done Everything Humanly Possible, But Yet...

by Brotherly
25 replies
... i'm not getting the required leads and conversion.

Hello Friend(s),

I need tried, tested and warrior-like guidance and counsel.

I'm an Accountant by profession and mostly i deploy automated accounting solutions engaging accounting packages (Sage 50) preferably for small and medium size business entities in my country.

I send out proposal letters to schools, companies and some other institutions and also do a lot of postings on Facebook & LinkedIn (though, i'm yet to engage the paid services of the Social Media) to create awareness for the services i render.

I created a website (though, it is down now & undergoing repairs) to further add an online presence to what i do but yet, i don't get the required number of leads that i need per month to keep me going in business.

I've done a lot of tweaking & surgeries to my marketing scripts and it seems the more i become aggressive in marketing, the more my prospects act indifferently like, i don't think i need this accounting service.

The truth is, every serious business entity needs to have bookkeeping & accounting running to accurately establish monies generated, capital contribution & expenses incurred to give the shareholders a picture of the financial health of their enterprise.

Sincerely, i need help.

Is there something i'm not doing well that is eluding me?

I'll appreciate your kind counsel.

I'm all ears.
#humanly
  • Profile picture of the author pozas77
    Hi,

    I'm no accountant but the key is why would someone want bookkeeping and accountancy, and why your company.
    You could try a variety of things and I'm sure other more experienced marketers will chip in but as a start I recommend setting up your own Facebook Fan Page.
    Unlike a website no domain names to purchase or hosting to pay for.
    Also, whenever someone likes your page, Facebook automatically tells all their friends they have liked your page. Imagine how quickly you could get lots of free publicity.
    You may want to introduce some promotion to start off with to get the business coming through.
    Also, if you have useful content that you could share around accounting and what a regular business needs to do, you could post to ezinearticles and other article directories and get backlinks to your site or Facebook Fan Page.

    That's a couple of free ways to get traffic before you look at other things.

    Thanks

    Abdul
    Signature
    http://www.ARM-Marketing.com
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  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    Sending proposals to unqualified prospects is merely spinning your wheels.

    Making a website is nothing but a billboard in a desert.

    Accounting and bookkeeping services are commodities until the prospect believes you have or are something different--or they have had a bad experience with someone like you, and are actively looking for another vendor.

    You have not done "everything humanly possible". You've done a couple of marketing activities and apparently not executed them effectively. Don't be upset, it's a learning experience and not everything everyone does turns out the way we hope.

    Start having conversations with your target market. ASK THEM what they're looking for in an accountant/bookkeeper. What stands out for them when they're making a decision.

    Your reasons are not their reasons.

    What you think is important is not what they think is important.

    Go where they are and start talking with them.

    THEN you can build this information into your marketing.
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    • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
      Originally Posted by Jason Kanigan View Post

      Accounting and bookkeeping services are commodities until the prospect believes you have or are something different--or they have had a bad experience with someone like you, and are actively looking for another vendor.
      Jason is being super polite ^^^

      Me, well I don't believe that politeness drives the point home strong enough.

      Your presenting as a bean counter with perks.

      Bean counters are a dime a dozen.
      Everyone has a bad story or two to share about them.

      So ... what separates you from the pack?
      What makes you special?

      Answer that ... honestly ... and you will see where you have went wrong
      with what you have tried so far.

      Do you know what "fear driven market share" means?
      Look it up, it can be the backbone of your marketing/ sales process.

      It is powerful stuff.
      Signature

      Selling Ain't for Sissies!
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      • Profile picture of the author Greg guitar
        Originally Posted by kenmichaels View Post

        Jason is being super polite ^^^

        Me, well I don't believe that politeness drives the point home strong enough.

        Your presenting as a bean counter with perks.

        Bean counters are a dime a dozen.
        Everyone has a bad story or two to share about them.

        So ... what separates you from the pack?
        What makes you special?

        Answer that ... honestly ... and you will see where you have went wrong
        with what you have tried so far.

        Do you know what "fear driven market share" means?
        Look it up, it can be the backbone of your marketing/ sales process.

        It is powerful stuff.
        I don't know what "fear driven market share" means, but I liked your post, so I Googled the phrase (in quotes of course), and got back one result....you guessed it; this thread. Hehehe...um, would you mind sharing what it means?
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        • Profile picture of the author DABK
          OP, pay attention to what Jason wrote.

          It seems you work with schools. Which means you could specialize in schools. Which means you could further segment your target audience into Colleges, High Schools, Vocational Schools.

          Maybe they all have the same problems, but I'm sure a college would think it's problems are bigger, at the very least different from those of an elementary or vocational school.

          You should be perceived as an expert school accountant, if not an expert business school accountant.

          So, what problem do you solve? How do you do it differently? For whom? I know, the school. But, in real life, you're doing it for a human being at the school. Talk to that human being about how what you do is different / better for him/her than what your competitors do.

          And, find out what publications they read - Is there an association of business school principals, deans, administrators? Do they have a publication for their members?

          If yes, place an ad there that gets them to think their current accountant might be costing them money and give them the chance to call / email / go to your site for a booklet that explains everything and allows them to determine if, indeed, their current accounting / bookkeeping situation is costing them moeny.

          The booklet will, of course, show them real problems some accountants / bookkeepers cause (directly or indirectly, knowingly or not) and how dealing with you removes those problems.

          Of course, to get your booklet, they have to give you their contact info. And, now you send your sales letters. And the sales letters have to hammer the point that you are different and will remove whatever problem they raised their hand as having.

          Which means, your ads will be problem specific. I mean, you give people with problem A ask for a booklet about fixing problem A, people with problem B ask for booklet about fixing problem B, etc.
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  • Profile picture of the author TeamBringIt
    Originally Posted by Brotherly View Post

    ... i'm not getting the required leads and conversion.

    Hello Friend(s),

    I need tried, tested and warrior-like guidance and counsel.

    I'm an Accountant by profession and mostly i deploy automated accounting solutions engaging accounting packages (Sage 50) preferably for small and medium size business entities in my country.

    I send out proposal letters to schools, companies and some other institutions and also do a lot of postings on Facebook & LinkedIn (though, i'm yet to engage the paid services of the Social Media) to create awareness for the services i render.

    I created a website (though, it is down now & undergoing repairs) to further add an online presence to what i do but yet, i don't get the required number of leads that i need per month to keep me going in business.

    I've done a lot of tweaking & surgeries to my marketing scripts and it seems the more i become aggressive in marketing, the more my prospects act indifferently like, i don't think i need this accounting service.

    The truth is, every serious business entity needs to have bookkeeping & accounting running to accurately establish monies generated, capital contribution & expenses incurred to give the shareholders a picture of the financial health of their enterprise.

    Sincerely, i need help.

    Is there something i'm not doing well that is eluding me?

    I'll appreciate your kind counsel.

    I'm all ears.
    Are you sending, letters to people that are your target market? Even if, the letters were sent to them...Are your letters able to motivate these people, to take action?

    Those are 2 HUGE factors, that you need to consider.....

    *You could be sending letters, to people that have no interest, in what you have to offer.

    *You could be sending letters, to people that must have your service, but your letters do not give them any reason to choose you and your service. Your letters might not motivate/convince/persuade people to choose you over the competition.

    Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Aaron Doud
    Originally Posted by Brotherly View Post

    i deploy automated accounting solutions engaging accounting packages (Sage 50) preferably for small and medium size business entities in my country.
    First.... Huh? That might as well be technobabble.

    Second.... Are you marketing in a similar way?

    Because if you are the decision makers likely have no clue.

    I'm sure what you are doing will make their life easier. So make your marketing about how it is easier. You're not like all those other guys who make it hard for them. You're different.
    Signature
    Aaron Doud - Sales & Success
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    • Profile picture of the author JMJ
      This all the way. Step 1: Unique Selling Proposition and a clearly communicated message.

      Originally Posted by Aaron Doud View Post

      First.... Huh? That might as well be technobabble.

      Second.... Are you marketing in a similar way?

      Because if you are the decision makers likely have no clue.

      I'm sure what you are doing will make their life easier. So make your marketing about how it is easier. You're not like all those other guys who make it hard for them. You're different.
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  • Profile picture of the author iAmNameLess
    Hope you're not using that font in your marketing materials or website... gives me a headache.
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author savidge4
      Lets for a moment forget what it is you do ( An Accountant ) Lets look at what it is you are offering. You are NOT technically offering broad services you are specifically offering "Sage50" scripting to make yours and your clients financial lives easier.

      Since I am aware of the many offering available in the accounting arena, I know that Sage has some short comings. It doesn't run on OSX or Linux. I am going to bet that most people that have read this thread don't know that Sage IS Peachtree, the name switch happened in 2013.

      So now lets bring back in that YOU are an accountant. However you are Limiting yourself to an Accountant that uses Sage. You are telling people hey I can automate accounting solutions with SAGE. And the truth is you are probably advertising to people that are using Peachtree, and they have no idea what Sage is.

      You undertaking an uphill battle. Not only are you trying to sell your services, but you are trying to sell your services in regards to a piece of software that by name people may not know. So what you are advertising to these folks does not apply to them.

      You need to do 1 of 3 things.

      • Advertise that you are an accountant and specialize in automating the business management process'.
      • Advertise that you are an accountant the specializes in automating Peachtree NOW Sage.
      • Advertise you are an accountant that is looking for business' that have no systems in place.
      When you are in a situation such as yours ( Product name change ) you have to educate in your communications. You can easily spin allof this in to a positive by communicating that you not only use the Newest systems, but you can customize them to each business' needs ( Makes you cutting edge - Which doesn't happen much in the accounting world! )

      Hope that Helps!
      Signature
      Success is an ACT not an idea
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      • Profile picture of the author Brotherly
        Savidge4,

        Thank you very much.
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  • Profile picture of the author Matthew North
    Originally Posted by Brotherly View Post



    The truth is, every serious business entity needs to have bookkeeping & accounting running to accurately establish monies generated, capital contribution & expenses incurred to give the shareholders a picture of the financial health of their enterprise.
    lol

    Marketing is NOT your skill, so stop trying to be a marketer.

    Pay someone to do your website and SEO. Find a salesperson that can sell for you. Focus on what you are good at instead of pretending to know what you are doing!
    Signature

    you cant hold no groove if you ain't got no pocket.

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  • Profile picture of the author Brotherly
    Hello all,

    Thanks for your comment.

    I'll make the necessary adjustments required as pointed out by the Warriors in the house and i'll let you know once there's an improvement in my sales.

    I'm reading a book by Michael E. Gerber (E-Myth) Why Most Small Businesses Don't Work And What To DO About It.

    It is opening me up and it has been a blessing to me. Should you have any book in mind that can better my marketing, feel free to suggest it to me?

    Am i free to paste a specimen of the proposal letter i send out for your scrutiny?
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    • Profile picture of the author TeamBringIt
      Originally Posted by Brotherly View Post

      Hello all,

      Thanks for your comment.

      I'll make the necessary adjustments required as pointed out by the Warriors in the house and i'll let you know once there's an improvement in my sales.

      I'm reading a book by Michael E. Gerber (E-Myth) Why Most Small Businesses Don't Work And What To DO About It.

      It is opening me up and it has been a blessing to me. Should you have any book in mind that can better my marketing, feel free to suggest it to me?

      Am i free to paste a specimen of the proposal letter i send out for your scrutiny?
      I suggest, that you read books, that focus on sales, copywriting, lead generation and psychology/persuasive methods. Pick up, a few copywriting books and go through them. Start collecting letters, ads that motivate you and see what exactly moves you...by reading such letters and ads. Everyone, needs to have a swipe file.

      I would also (if, I was you) start crafting together a really GOOD (USP). Your business as mentioned by, other warriors is not so so unique. You need to stand out and give a reason why, the competition NEEDS to choose you over, another business that does the very same thing.

      You are not a total failure, don't think that. Just make some adjustments and go for, it again....

      Yes, paste your letter or whatever, you are sending and we can look and give our thoughts.
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      • Profile picture of the author Brotherly
        Originally Posted by TeamBringIt View Post

        I suggest, that you read books, that focus on sales, copywriting, lead generation and psychology/persuasive methods. Pick up, a few copywriting books and go through them. Start collecting letters, ads that motivate you and see what exactly moves you...by reading such letters and ads. Everyone, needs to have a swipe file.

        I would also (if, I was you) start crafting together a really GOOD (USP). Your business as mentioned by, other warriors is not so so unique. You need to stand out and give a reason why, the competition NEEDS to choose you over, another business that does the very same thing.

        You are not a total failure, don't think that. Just make some adjustments and go for, it again....

        Yes, paste your letter or whatever, you are sending and we can look and give our thoughts.
        Find below the specimen of the letter i send out to prospects. It is always on my letter headed paper.


        April 3, 2014

        The Proprietress
        GLORYLAND International College
        25, Adebola Ojomu Street
        Off Brown Road
        Aguda - Surulere
        Lagos


        Dear Sir,

        PROPOSAL FOR THE DEPLOYMENT OF AN AUTOMATED ACCOUNTING SOLUTION FOR THE COLLEGE

        We are delighted to formally introduce Kitemark Solutions, and write to offer our business services and solutions to Gloryland International College, Lagos.

        Kitemark Solutions services small and medium size business entities maximally in the underlisted below:

        1. Accountancy Services

        2. Integrated ICT Solutions

        OBJECTIVES

        Setup the accounting system and implement the accounting software. Install the accounting package and network it across available workstations in the office. Provision of post implementation support services. Provide expertise assistance as related to this system.

        SCOPE OF SERVICES

        1. Designing and setting up of accounting system for the school taking into consideration the specific nature of business transactions
        2. Install approved automated accounting package and networking available systems. Post implementation maintenance support
        3. Upgrade the accounting system from manual to automated system and transfer from one accounting package to another
        4. Train members of staff on transaction entrying , periodic report formatting and first aid maintenance
        5. Proffer ways expenses could be brought to an all time low without tampering with quality and output of the business


        BENEFITS

        The benefits attached to using this accounting package include:

        i. Accurate determination of funds invested by the owners to the school
        ii. Timely and accurate accounting information
        iii. Ease of data entry
        iv. Easy tracking of financial transactions of each student
        v. Establishment of students (debtors') position with amazing ease
        vi. Flexibility reporting of the financial information
        vii. Availability of past years records at the click of a button
        viii. Enhances security and backup
        ix. It reduces cost to the school
        x. Preventing & reducing the exposure to fraud, error and theft
        xi. It enhances the efficiency of process workflow
        xii. It improves accuracy & guarantees desired result

        OUR PRODUCTS

        1. (Sage 50) Peachtree Accounting package
        2. Students Academic Records Manager Software

        PRICING

        While our pricing is considerate of expected relationship we are looking forward to have with you, it shall include the following:

        The cost of the product and services

        1. Sage 50 (Peachtree) accounting package single user is N60,000.00

        2. Sage 50 (Peachtree) accounting package multiple users - Premium package (1 - 5 users) is N100,000.00

        3. Cost of a router switch device is N25, 000.00. This is optional as it can be provided by the office

        4. Training fee on the operability of the accounting package per personnel is N50,000.00

        5. Network configuration - First 3 systems is N30,000. Additional system attracts a charge of N10,000 for subsequent network configuration

        Kindly take note that items (1 - 3) can be provided by the office. Item (4 & 5) are however negotiable.

        MINIMUM HARDWARE REQUIREMENT

        1. Microsoft Windows XP (sp2) or Windows Vista, 2003 Server (sp1), 2009 Server
        2. Pentium 42.0 GHZ or equivalent
        3. Customer - 1024MB RAM (2GB Recommended)
        4. Server - 1024 MB RAM (2GB Recommended)
        5. Minimum of 1024 x 768 Screen Resolution
        6. Full Install: 900MB Available Disk Space
        7. An external back up storage facility e.g. Flash drive, external HDD
        8. Uninterrupted power supply unit for both server and workstation (An inverter or a stand-by generator would be ideal)

        (Kindly note that the higher the configuration the better)

        OUR CLIENTELE

        Stated below is a list of some of our clients we have relationship with:

        1. ADRAC Business School
        2. Kings Crown Business School
        3. Capital Oil
        4. Solutech Consulting
        5. Confucius Institute, University of Lagos
        6. D-VEES Daycare Centre
        7. Kay's School
        8. True Confections Bakery
        9. First Attempt Business Centre
        10. Angela Itambo Company

        We hope you would avail us the opportunity to be of service to your reputable Gloryland International College, Lagos as we desire to be part of your greater success stories.

        While we look forward to having a mutually rewarding and enduring relationship with your goodself, we assure you of our best services at all times.

        Yours faithfully,
        For: Kitemark Solutions





        Dele Isaiah
        Business Engine Optimizer

        For further enquiries, kindly contact us on +234 (0)8023189838, 08187390075 (Isaiah), +234 (0)8034958231 (Taiwo) or email info.kitemark@gmail.com, ceo@kitemarksolutions.com. Website: www.kitemarkSolutions.com
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        • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
          Originally Posted by Brotherly View Post

          Find below the specimen of the letter i send out to prospects. It is always on my letter headed paper.


          April 3, 2014

          The Proprietress
          GLORYLAND International College
          25, Adebola Ojomu Street
          Off Brown Road
          Aguda - Surulere
          Lagos


          Dear Sir,

          PROPOSAL FOR THE DEPLOYMENT OF AN AUTOMATED ACCOUNTING SOLUTION FOR THE COLLEGE

          We are delighted to formally introduce Kitemark Solutions, and write to offer our business services and solutions to Gloryland International College, Lagos.

          Kitemark Solutions services small and medium size business entities maximally in the underlisted below:

          1. Accountancy Services

          2. Integrated ICT Solutions

          OBJECTIVES

          Setup the accounting system and implement the accounting software. Install the accounting package and network it across available workstations in the office. Provision of post implementation support services. Provide expertise assistance as related to this system.

          SCOPE OF SERVICES

          1. Designing and setting up of accounting system for the school taking into consideration the specific nature of business transactions
          2. Install approved automated accounting package and networking available systems. Post implementation maintenance support
          3. Upgrade the accounting system from manual to automated system and transfer from one accounting package to another
          4. Train members of staff on transaction entrying , periodic report formatting and first aid maintenance
          5. Proffer ways expenses could be brought to an all time low without tampering with quality and output of the business


          BENEFITS

          The benefits attached to using this accounting package include:

          i. Accurate determination of funds invested by the owners to the school
          ii. Timely and accurate accounting information
          iii. Ease of data entry
          iv. Easy tracking of financial transactions of each student
          v. Establishment of students (debtors’) position with amazing ease
          vi. Flexibility reporting of the financial information
          vii. Availability of past years records at the click of a button
          viii. Enhances security and backup
          ix. It reduces cost to the school
          x. Preventing & reducing the exposure to fraud, error and theft
          xi. It enhances the efficiency of process workflow
          xii. It improves accuracy & guarantees desired result

          OUR PRODUCTS

          1. (Sage 50) Peachtree Accounting package
          2. Students Academic Records Manager Software

          PRICING

          While our pricing is considerate of expected relationship we are looking forward to have with you, it shall include the following:

          The cost of the product and services

          1. Sage 50 (Peachtree) accounting package single user is N60,000.00

          2. Sage 50 (Peachtree) accounting package multiple users – Premium package (1 – 5 users) is N100,000.00

          3. Cost of a router switch device is N25, 000.00. This is optional as it can be provided by the office

          4. Training fee on the operability of the accounting package per personnel is N50,000.00

          5. Network configuration – First 3 systems is N30,000. Additional system attracts a charge of N10,000 for subsequent network configuration

          Kindly take note that items (1 – 3) can be provided by the office. Item (4 & 5) are however negotiable.

          MINIMUM HARDWARE REQUIREMENT

          1. Microsoft Windows XP (sp2) or Windows Vista, 2003 Server (sp1), 2009 Server
          2. Pentium 42.0 GHZ or equivalent
          3. Customer – 1024MB RAM (2GB Recommended)
          4. Server – 1024 MB RAM (2GB Recommended)
          5. Minimum of 1024 x 768 Screen Resolution
          6. Full Install: 900MB Available Disk Space
          7. An external back up storage facility e.g. Flash drive, external HDD
          8. Uninterrupted power supply unit for both server and workstation (An inverter or a stand-by generator would be ideal)

          (Kindly note that the higher the configuration the better)

          OUR CLIENTELE

          Stated below is a list of some of our clients we have relationship with:

          1. ADRAC Business School
          2. Kings Crown Business School
          3. Capital Oil
          4. Solutech Consulting
          5. Confucius Institute, University of Lagos
          6. D-VEES Daycare Centre
          7. Kay’s School
          8. True Confections Bakery
          9. First Attempt Business Centre
          10. Angela Itambo Company

          We hope you would avail us the opportunity to be of service to your reputable Gloryland International College, Lagos as we desire to be part of your greater success stories.

          While we look forward to having a mutually rewarding and enduring relationship with your goodself, we assure you of our best services at all times.

          Yours faithfully,
          For: Kitemark Solutions





          Dele Isaiah
          Business Engine Optimizer

          For further enquiries, kindly contact us on +234 (0)8023189838, 08187390075 (Isaiah), +234 (0)8034958231 (Taiwo) or email info.kitemark@gmail.com, ceo@kitemarksolutions.com. Website: www.kitemarkSolutions.com
          This is so bad I don't know where to begin.

          Did you read anything people said above and take it to heart? I realize someone asked you to paste this in, but by this point you should be well aware the letter doesn't work at all. The kid gloves are therefore off.

          Here is my reaction as a prospect.

          Your beginning: Never heard of you. Don't care. Nothing to differentiate you at all.

          Objectives: you're telling me in an engineering tone what doohickeys need to be replaced, when you've never even spoken with me? How on earth would you have any idea what, if anything, needs to be fixed? Stop trying to force your solution on others.

          Scope: Same as above. How can you prescribe before you diagnose? You'd be guilty of malpractice if you were a doctor.

          Benefits: I might be interested in this section, but they are so vague it all slides off the page. You also have something that pasted in as greek characters; I hope it doesn't appear so elsewhere.

          Minimum Hardware Requirements: we are NOWHERE near talking about this. I still have no idea who you are. We have no relationship whatsoever. Stop forcing your crap on me.

          Our Clientele: nice, but unless I know these organizations personally it's not going to have much impact yet.

          Now let me step out of the prospect/reader mode and into marketer mode.

          You are trying to do waaaaay too much far too soon with this letter.

          Its objective should be to find out: Do you have a problem in the accounting/bookeeping area? Are you willing to talk about it with me?

          And to communicate: I specialize in this field. Here's what makes me different. Would you like to discuss your situation so I can see how I could help?

          You have to get out of this engineering-type language. This letter is written in exactly the same tone as those "Nigeria" scam letters.

          How do the administrators of these schools--your clients--talk? Copy that.

          If you think this review was tough, try posting your letter for review in the Copywriting subforum.
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          • Profile picture of the author Ian Jackson
            This is a classic example of old-style "push" marketing. It is SALES, not marketing.

            You need to do market research first, to find out whether or not there is a viable market need for your knowledge...

            What do people in your niche want, crave, desire? With what do they need help to move them from where they are now, to where they need to be?

            You need to reverse engineer the process, and find out what's needed. Then you need to build a trusting relationship with potential readers, who hopefully become subscribers, who hopefully become prospects.

            Only then can you realistically hope to get anyone to invest in your deeper knowledge.

            You need to feed market desire, not try and feed your desire to the market.

            hth
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          • Profile picture of the author Brotherly
            Originally Posted by Jason Kanigan View Post

            This is so bad I don't know where to begin.

            Did you read anything people said above and take it to heart? I realize someone asked you to paste this in, but by this point you should be well aware the letter doesn't work at all. The kid gloves are therefore off.

            Here is my reaction as a prospect.

            Your beginning: Never heard of you. Don't care. Nothing to differentiate you at all.

            Objectives: you're telling me in an engineering tone what doohickeys need to be replaced, when you've never even spoken with me? How on earth would you have any idea what, if anything, needs to be fixed? Stop trying to force your solution on others.

            Scope: Same as above. How can you prescribe before you diagnose? You'd be guilty of malpractice if you were a doctor.

            Benefits: I might be interested in this section, but they are so vague it all slides off the page. You also have something that pasted in as greek characters; I hope it doesn't appear so elsewhere.

            Minimum Hardware Requirements: we are NOWHERE near talking about this. I still have no idea who you are. We have no relationship whatsoever. Stop forcing your crap on me.

            Our Clientele: nice, but unless I know these organizations personally it's not going to have much impact yet.

            Now let me step out of the prospect/reader mode and into marketer mode.

            You are trying to do waaaaay too much far too soon with this letter.

            Its objective should be to find out: Do you have a problem in the accounting/bookeeping area? Are you willing to talk about it with me?

            And to communicate: I specialize in this field. Here's what makes me different. Would you like to discuss your situation so I can see how I could help?

            You have to get out of this engineering-type language. This letter is written in exactly the same tone as those "Nigeria" scam letters.

            How do the administrators of these schools--your clients--talk? Copy that.

            If you think this review was tough, try posting your letter for review in the Copywriting subforum.
            Jason,

            I've taken a proactive step towards rejuvenating my marketing script by engaging someone (Copywriter) and the first hurdle has been crossed.

            He emphatically told me it is too long and didn't serve the intended purpose. Once, he's done, i'll paste it for further scrutiny.

            Jason, i appreciate & respect your time. More unction and grace to you. And, for all the corrections and advice by other Warriors, i say a big thank you.

            As promised, i'll keep you posted on the goings-on in my business.

            On my way to the top.

            Regards.
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            • Profile picture of the author savidge4
              Brotherly,

              Lets for a moment look at your letter. It is about as human as your signature would indicate; "Business Engine Optimizer" If this is a sales letter... where is the sales? is this it?"We hope you would avail us the opportunity to be of service to your reputable Gloryland International College, Lagos as we desire to be part of your greater success stories.
              "

              I would remove a lot, and start personal. Hello my name is Dele Isaiah and I am a/the ( insert title ) with Kitemark Solutions. we have been serving small to medium business with their automated accounting needs since (year).

              you specialize in this ". (Sage 50) Peachtree Accounting package ,
              Students Academic Records Manager Software

              Our Scope of service is this: --- Relate this to what you specialize in, introduce the idea of setting up, but integrate optimizing what they already have.

              Turn your objectives into a closing statement.


              Signature
              Signature
              Success is an ACT not an idea
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        • Profile picture of the author TeamBringIt
          Originally Posted by Brotherly View Post

          Find below the specimen of the letter i send out to prospects. It is always on my letter headed paper.


          April 3, 2014

          The Proprietress
          GLORYLAND International College
          25, Adebola Ojomu Street
          Off Brown Road
          Aguda - Surulere
          Lagos


          Dear Sir,

          PROPOSAL FOR THE DEPLOYMENT OF AN AUTOMATED ACCOUNTING SOLUTION FOR THE COLLEGE

          We are delighted to formally introduce Kitemark Solutions, and write to offer our business services and solutions to Gloryland International College, Lagos.

          Kitemark Solutions services small and medium size business entities maximally in the underlisted below:

          1. Accountancy Services

          2. Integrated ICT Solutions

          OBJECTIVES

          Setup the accounting system and implement the accounting software. Install the accounting package and network it across available workstations in the office. Provision of post implementation support services. Provide expertise assistance as related to this system.

          SCOPE OF SERVICES

          1. Designing and setting up of accounting system for the school taking into consideration the specific nature of business transactions
          2. Install approved automated accounting package and networking available systems. Post implementation maintenance support
          3. Upgrade the accounting system from manual to automated system and transfer from one accounting package to another
          4. Train members of staff on transaction entrying , periodic report formatting and first aid maintenance
          5. Proffer ways expenses could be brought to an all time low without tampering with quality and output of the business


          BENEFITS

          The benefits attached to using this accounting package include:

          i. Accurate determination of funds invested by the owners to the school
          ii. Timely and accurate accounting information
          iii. Ease of data entry
          iv. Easy tracking of financial transactions of each student
          v. Establishment of students (debtors') position with amazing ease
          vi. Flexibility reporting of the financial information
          vii. Availability of past years records at the click of a button
          viii. Enhances security and backup
          ix. It reduces cost to the school
          x. Preventing & reducing the exposure to fraud, error and theft
          xi. It enhances the efficiency of process workflow
          xii. It improves accuracy & guarantees desired result

          OUR PRODUCTS

          1. (Sage 50) Peachtree Accounting package
          2. Students Academic Records Manager Software

          PRICING

          While our pricing is considerate of expected relationship we are looking forward to have with you, it shall include the following:

          The cost of the product and services

          1. Sage 50 (Peachtree) accounting package single user is N60,000.00

          2. Sage 50 (Peachtree) accounting package multiple users - Premium package (1 - 5 users) is N100,000.00

          3. Cost of a router switch device is N25, 000.00. This is optional as it can be provided by the office

          4. Training fee on the operability of the accounting package per personnel is N50,000.00

          5. Network configuration - First 3 systems is N30,000. Additional system attracts a charge of N10,000 for subsequent network configuration

          Kindly take note that items (1 - 3) can be provided by the office. Item (4 & 5) are however negotiable.

          MINIMUM HARDWARE REQUIREMENT

          1. Microsoft Windows XP (sp2) or Windows Vista, 2003 Server (sp1), 2009 Server
          2. Pentium 42.0 GHZ or equivalent
          3. Customer - 1024MB RAM (2GB Recommended)
          4. Server - 1024 MB RAM (2GB Recommended)
          5. Minimum of 1024 x 768 Screen Resolution
          6. Full Install: 900MB Available Disk Space
          7. An external back up storage facility e.g. Flash drive, external HDD
          8. Uninterrupted power supply unit for both server and workstation (An inverter or a stand-by generator would be ideal)

          (Kindly note that the higher the configuration the better)

          OUR CLIENTELE

          Stated below is a list of some of our clients we have relationship with:

          1. ADRAC Business School
          2. Kings Crown Business School
          3. Capital Oil
          4. Solutech Consulting
          5. Confucius Institute, University of Lagos
          6. D-VEES Daycare Centre
          7. Kay's School
          8. True Confections Bakery
          9. First Attempt Business Centre
          10. Angela Itambo Company

          We hope you would avail us the opportunity to be of service to your reputable Gloryland International College, Lagos as we desire to be part of your greater success stories.

          While we look forward to having a mutually rewarding and enduring relationship with your goodself, we assure you of our best services at all times.

          Yours faithfully,
          For: Kitemark Solutions





          Dele Isaiah
          Business Engine Optimizer

          For further enquiries, kindly contact us on +234 (0)8023189838, 08187390075 (Isaiah), +234 (0)8034958231 (Taiwo) or email info.kitemark@gmail.com, ceo@kitemarksolutions.com. Website: www.kitemarkSolutions.com
          I suggest, that you study some direct mail letters, to get an idea. This letter, kinda looks like a resume. Again, you have tried and that is important. No one will read this type of letter, even if they do...it will not convince them.

          Spend some time, in the copywriting sub-forum and look at the threads. See what is going on, in there and it can help you out.

          I do not, know the problems, your market faces...your letters need to tackle those issues. You tackle those issues and provide a solution, that solves those issues. Do you, even know what the biggest issues are? Studying, past/successful direct mail letters, is really going to help you out.

          FIRST, figure out what exactly, that market needs. Figure out what YOU can provide, that the competition is not providing. After you do that, then give it, a go...at crafting a good direct mail salesletter.

          You took, the first step and be proud of that
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  • Profile picture of the author Aaron Doud
    Best advice I have? Toss that and start over.

    I'm not even sure an engineering would read that. I know for sure the average person you are targeting will not.

    Maybe don't toss it. Keep it for people who want things "in writing" when it comes to specifics. But no way should that be used to get prospects.

    Hopefully someone here can help you. Maybe even consider hiring someone since I think the learning curve may be too steep for you right now. You'd spend to much time learning vs. earning.
    Signature
    Aaron Doud - Sales & Success
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  • Profile picture of the author Brotherly
    Hello Warriors,

    i promised i was going to keep updating the forum as with the goings-on in my business and the steps i'm taking to make things better.

    Below is the introduction letter i re-wrote yesterday night and fine tuned this afternoon.

    Please feel free to point out my mistakes. Borrowing the words of Jason Kanigan, " the kid gloves are off".


    April 3, 2014

    The Proprietress
    GLORYLAND International College
    25, Adebola Ojomu Street
    Off Brown Road
    Aguda - Surulere
    Lagos


    Dear Sir,

    PROPOSAL TO AUTOMATE YOUR BUSINESS ACCOUNTING PROCESS

    We are delighted to formally introduce Kitemark Solutions to you, and desire to extend our business solutions and services to Gloryland International College, Lagos.

    Kitemark Solutions is run by goal oriented & expert school business accountants. We engage in this service to enable our clients focus more on their main activities and achieve their desired goals.

    We are able to restructure and put in place a measurable business accounting and management process for our prospective clients from ground up at affordable cost that won’t hurt the finances of the business.

    By so doing, it will help the business in having financial clarity, insight, strategic financial planning, developing concise financial reports, itemizing inventory and expenses, and reducing time by clearly managing and organizing all financial assets of your business.
    Furthermore, it will enhance effective management of resources. You’ll be able to manage vendors that need to be paid, budgets, customer invoices, payroll, and recording bank deposits.
    We have acquired extensive expertise in automating accounting and business management process for businesses that do not have a quantifiable system in place.

    Kitemark’s focus is on the added value and benefits accruable to our prospects and clients. One of the ways we achieve this is by undertaking a NEEDS ANALYSIS of our prospects business and then deploy meaningful solution to cater for the gap.

    Our keen knowledge of the education industry has helped us develop solutions that answer the needs of today’s clients.

    This solution allows you to:
    ü Increase productivity
    ü Reduce operating cost
    ü Increase customer satisfaction


    Stated below is a list of some of our clients we have relationship with:

    1. ADRAC Business School
    2. Kings Crown Business School
    3. Capital Oil
    4. Solutech Consulting
    5. Confucius Institute, University of Lagos
    6. D-VEES Daycare Centre
    7. Kay’s School
    8. True Confections Bakery
    9. First Attempt Business Centre
    10. Angela Itambo Company

    We hope you would avail us the opportunity to be of service to your reputable Gloryland International College, Lagos as we desire to be part of your greater success stories.

    While we look forward to having a mutually rewarding and enduring relationship with your goodself, we assure you of our best services at all times.

    Please do not hesitate to contact us on 08023189838, 08187390075 (Chidera), 08034958231 (Taiwo) or email info.kitemark@gmail.com, ceo@kitemarksolutions.com.


    Yours faithfully,
    For: Kitemark Solutions





    Dele Isaiah

    Business Engine Optimizer


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    • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
      Originally Posted by Brotherly View Post

      Hello Warriors,

      i promised i was going to keep updating the forum as with the goings-on in my business and the steps i'm taking to make things better.

      Below is the introduction letter i re-wrote yesterday night and fine tuned this afternoon.

      Please feel free to point out my mistakes. Borrowing the words of Jason Kanigan, " the kid gloves are off".


      April 3, 2014

      The Proprietress
      GLORYLAND International College
      25, Adebola Ojomu Street
      Off Brown Road
      Aguda - Surulere
      Lagos


      Dear Sir,

      PROPOSAL TO AUTOMATE YOUR BUSINESS ACCOUNTING PROCESS

      We are delighted to formally introduce Kitemark Solutions to you, and desire to extend our business solutions and services to Gloryland International College, Lagos.

      Kitemark Solutions is run by goal oriented & expert school business accountants. We engage in this service to enable our clients focus more on their main activities and achieve their desired goals.

      We are able to restructure and put in place a measurable business accounting and management process for our prospective clients from ground up at affordable cost that won't hurt the finances of the business.

      By so doing, it will help the business in having financial clarity, insight, strategic financial planning, developing concise financial reports, itemizing inventory and expenses, and reducing time by clearly managing and organizing all financial assets of your business.
      Furthermore, it will enhance effective management of resources. You'll be able to manage vendors that need to be paid, budgets, customer invoices, payroll, and recording bank deposits.
      We have acquired extensive expertise in automating accounting and business management process for businesses that do not have a quantifiable system in place.

      Kitemark's focus is on the added value and benefits accruable to our prospects and clients. One of the ways we achieve this is by undertaking a NEEDS ANALYSIS of our prospects business and then deploy meaningful solution to cater for the gap.

      Our keen knowledge of the education industry has helped us develop solutions that answer the needs of today's clients.

      This solution allows you to:
      ü Increase productivity
      ü Reduce operating cost
      ü Increase customer satisfaction


      Stated below is a list of some of our clients we have relationship with:

      1. ADRAC Business School
      2. Kings Crown Business School
      3. Capital Oil
      4. Solutech Consulting
      5. Confucius Institute, University of Lagos
      6. D-VEES Daycare Centre
      7. Kay's School
      8. True Confections Bakery
      9. First Attempt Business Centre
      10. Angela Itambo Company

      We hope you would avail us the opportunity to be of service to your reputable Gloryland International College, Lagos as we desire to be part of your greater success stories.

      While we look forward to having a mutually rewarding and enduring relationship with your goodself, we assure you of our best services at all times.

      Please do not hesitate to contact us on 08023189838, 08187390075 (Chidera), 08034958231 (Taiwo) or email info.kitemark@gmail.com, ceo@kitemarksolutions.com.


      Yours faithfully,
      For: Kitemark Solutions





      Dele Isaiah

      Business Engine Optimizer
      Uhhh...

      ...

      Get a copywriter to do this for you.

      You have kept the same dry, formal, longwinded style here...

      ...and the awful jargon...

      ...and the non-call to action...

      ...and I don't know why. Do people really talk this way?

      Perhaps--I could be wrong--you want to be viewed as an upstanding, formal expert type? Forget about that. Sound like your prospects. Talk like you're speaking to another human being, not a Formal-O-Matic machine.
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    • Profile picture of the author savidge4
      Brotherly,

      you need to break it down even further. Something like:

      Kitemark Solutions can help your business on a path of financial clarity. by showing insight, strategic financial planning, developing concise financial reports, itemizing inventory and expenses, and reducing time by clearly managing and organizing all financial assets of your business.

      Furthermore, it will enhance effective management of resources. You'll be able to manage vendors that need to be paid, budgets, customer invoices, payroll, and recording bank deposits.

      We have acquired extensive expertise in automating accounting and business management process for businesses that do not have a quantifiable system in place.

      Kitemark's focus is on the added value and benefits accruable to our prospects and clients. One of the ways we achieve this is by undertaking a NEEDS ANALYSIS of our prospects business and then deploy meaningful solution to cater for the gap.

      Our keen knowledge of the education industry has helped us develop solutions that answer the needs of today's clients.

      This solution allows you to:
      ü Increase productivity
      ü Reduce operating cost
      ü Increase customer satisfaction

      Don't waste any more time with your accounting, contact us today to schedule your "Needs Analysis".

      08023189838, 08187390075 (Chidera), 08034958231 (Taiwo)
      or email info.kitemark@gmail.com, ceo@kitemarksolutions.com.


      Yours faithfully,

      Dele Isaiah
      Kitemark Solutions

      Short, to the point tells them what YOU do, and what you want THEM to do. Granted it can be worded lot better, but it might get you in the right direction!

      Hope that Helps!




      Originally Posted by Brotherly View Post

      Hello Warriors,

      i promised i was going to keep updating the forum as with the goings-on in my business and the steps i'm taking to make things better.

      Below is the introduction letter i re-wrote yesterday night and fine tuned this afternoon.

      Please feel free to point out my mistakes. Borrowing the words of Jason Kanigan, " the kid gloves are off".


      April 3, 2014

      The Proprietress
      GLORYLAND International College
      25, Adebola Ojomu Street
      Off Brown Road
      Aguda - Surulere
      Lagos


      Dear Sir,

      PROPOSAL TO AUTOMATE YOUR BUSINESS ACCOUNTING PROCESS

      We are delighted to formally introduce Kitemark Solutions to you, and desire to extend our business solutions and services to Gloryland International College, Lagos.

      Kitemark Solutions is run by goal oriented & expert school business accountants. We engage in this service to enable our clients focus more on their main activities and achieve their desired goals.

      We are able to restructure and put in place a measurable business accounting and management process for our prospective clients from ground up at affordable cost that won't hurt the finances of the business.

      By so doing, it will help the business in having financial clarity, insight, strategic financial planning, developing concise financial reports, itemizing inventory and expenses, and reducing time by clearly managing and organizing all financial assets of your business.
      Furthermore, it will enhance effective management of resources. You'll be able to manage vendors that need to be paid, budgets, customer invoices, payroll, and recording bank deposits.
      We have acquired extensive expertise in automating accounting and business management process for businesses that do not have a quantifiable system in place.

      Kitemark's focus is on the added value and benefits accruable to our prospects and clients. One of the ways we achieve this is by undertaking a NEEDS ANALYSIS of our prospects business and then deploy meaningful solution to cater for the gap.

      Our keen knowledge of the education industry has helped us develop solutions that answer the needs of today's clients.

      This solution allows you to:
      ü Increase productivity
      ü Reduce operating cost
      ü Increase customer satisfaction


      Stated below is a list of some of our clients we have relationship with:

      1. ADRAC Business School
      2. Kings Crown Business School
      3. Capital Oil
      4. Solutech Consulting
      5. Confucius Institute, University of Lagos
      6. D-VEES Daycare Centre
      7. Kay's School
      8. True Confections Bakery
      9. First Attempt Business Centre
      10. Angela Itambo Company

      We hope you would avail us the opportunity to be of service to your reputable Gloryland International College, Lagos as we desire to be part of your greater success stories.

      While we look forward to having a mutually rewarding and enduring relationship with your goodself, we assure you of our best services at all times.

      Please do not hesitate to contact us on 08023189838, 08187390075 (Chidera), 08034958231 (Taiwo) or email info.kitemark@gmail.com, ceo@kitemarksolutions.com.


      Yours faithfully,
      For: Kitemark Solutions





      Dele Isaiah

      Business Engine Optimizer
      Signature
      Success is an ACT not an idea
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  • Profile picture of the author ConnectVT
    First of all, you are doing absolutely fine and great job. All the things you are performing to generate leads are worth it. Now here is one thing I didn't find in your query. Are you meeting the companies and offices in personal. When nothing works, human interaction works. Its all about communication. Create a wonderful presentation about your product and put some clients on it to which you have delivered your product. Add some value points in the presentation like what will be benefits and ROI for the client. Trust me if you will generate one such lead by meeting in personal, then you ask for feedback after few days or month. If the client is happy, he will recommend it to other such people.
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    ConnectVT
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