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First time writing copy. Need some help.

by openskiesmn
9 replies
Hello all. I've been lurking on Warrior Forum for quite some time, but finally decided to step out and ask for some help. I am new to writing copy. The piece below is for a direct mail, "offline" piece.

We're dealing with leads, some of whom are jaded and skeptical.

Any feedback would be really appreciated. I tried to follow the checklist, but I'm sure I missed a few items. I would like to know how I could make this marketing piece better.

--

Dear Kevin,

My name is BOB SMITH and I would like to buy your home. I don't want to "list" your home. I am not a realtor and I'm not associated with any real estate firm. I'm an investor who works exclusively in the Twin Cities metro area. Just to be up front, I'm not asking for any of your money.

I lost my home to foreclosure back in 2008. This was back when the housing market had just started to collapse. It was a terrifying and painful experience. I still remember packing up my family's belongs and loading them into a moving truck in freezing rain. We didn't have anyone to explain what was happening. No one told us that we still had options.

If you're anything like me, you may know how it feels to...
  • Get a call from an unknown number and worry it might be a creditor.
  • Worry about so-called "foreclosure experts" trying to take advantage of you.
  • Look for another place to live, hoping a bad credit report won't be a problem.
Let me share with you what will happen over the next twelve months if you take no action.
  • In the next few weeks, the bank may file a court order to speed up the eviction process.
  • In six months, the county sheriff's office will carry out the eviction and change your locks.
  • In nine months, just when you think that the worst has passed, the foreclosure will hit your credit report and remain there for seven years.
This was my experience. It wasn't until several years later I learned that I still had options. It was too late for me, but I'd like to share these options with you.

ACME CORP is a real estate investment group. We are a locally-owned, family-run small business serving the CITY metro area. Our team has over thirty years of experience buying and selling investment properties. Integrity is our highest value.

We purchase properties throughout the CITY metro area using cash or private funds.
No repairs are necessary. We buy as-is and at zero cost to you.

Home sold at auction? That is not a problem to us. We can usually work out a win-win solution that puts money in your pocket and saves your credit.

We would like the opportunity to explain your options in a risk-free, zero-pressure environment. At that point, if you're interested in moving forward, we can provide you with a no-obligation, risk-free offer in as little as 24 hours. This comes at no cost to you. We will never ask you for money.

Let me tell you what you deserve...
  • You deserve the power to improve your situation.
  • You deserve an opportunity to save your credit.
  • You deserve to work with a team who has over 30 years of experience and values integrity.
  • You deserve to find a win-win solution that puts cash in your pocket.
We have done this for numerous clients and we'd like to work out a win-win solution for you. Call us at (555) 555-5555to receive more information. You have absolutely nothing to lose.

Sincerely,

BOB SMITH
Director of Acquisitions and Customer Delight
ACME CORP

P.S. If you want to sell your house in the quickest, easiest and most convenient way possible, you simply must give us a call - RIGHT NOW!
#copy #time #writing
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Still will seem a risk talking to a investment company.

    A lower barrier to take the first little step is to
    create a guide which seems impartial that educates
    them about the options they have available.

    At the end of it, you can give your little commercial.

    They can listen to a free 24 hour recorded telephone message
    that explains more about the guide and how they can get it.

    You can give offline and online options to get it.

    Of course, now you have collected their contact details to
    follow up with them.

    Think multiple steps, which each one's only job is to take
    the next step.

    It's getting harder to get people to take big steps, like selling their home,
    therefore the need to take a longer view which
    gives help through education first.

    Best,
    Doctor E. Vile
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    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      Still will seem a risk talking to a investment company.

      A lower barrier to take the first little step is to
      create a guide which seems impartial that educates
      them about the options they have available.

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
      Innocuous, inoffensive, often insipid. Highly effective.

      Doc V. has thrown a strike, fastball right down the middle.

      The little guide (booklet, Hotsheet, cheatsheet, manual, folio, template, etc.) is a tried, tested and proven WINNER, albeit, a lost art by many marketers.

      Give em something to think about, get their attention, whet their appetite, THEN, they come to you...something akin to "magnetic" like marketing.

      Thanks Doc.

      gjabiz
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      • Profile picture of the author openskiesmn
        gjabiz,

        We just sent our full color brochure to print today. Thank you so much for your advice. Really hoping this will set us apart from our competitors.
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        • Profile picture of the author Biz Max
          Why is Bob Smith capitalized? That lost it before I got
          into the copy. You put glue on the 'slippery slide'.

          The rest of the letter doesn't matter. Talk about you
          after you grab their attention. Don't emphasize your
          name above everything that matters.

          Just some thoughts
          Signature
          Small Business Marketing & Branding Specialist
          http://BrandWhisperer.net
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          • Profile picture of the author openskiesmn
            Everything in CAPS was text that I replaced for privacy. The normal copy does not have those fields in CAPS.
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            • Profile picture of the author DABK
              People who get a guide about options when facing foreclosure, if they're facing foreclosure, are going to automatically think raise their defenses.

              The same for people who get an offer to the guide or the guide mailed/dropped on their doors.

              You'd be better off placing ads where these people might find them, offering a free guide.

              The idea is to make it seem that they found you, that it was their idea to get a guide.

              And, of course, the guide should be good, true, impartial.

              Where I am, there are real estate agents who post ads on food store shopping carts, newspapers, radio, other businesses (get someone's accountant to recommend your guide to them, for instance).

              I want to emphasize: you get better reception in this case if they think they found you than if they think you're after them.
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  • Profile picture of the author openskiesmn
    Thanks for your detailed responses. Based on your feedback, I'm going to change my approach and send a brochure and small intro letter to our leads first. I think this will establish some credibility and differentiate us from competitors saying, "We buy houses."

    I'd like to ask one follow-up question. Could I use a reduced version of the letter above WITH the brochure? If not, what should my stance be in the intro letter? It seems like most of my problem/solution content would be in the brochure.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by openskiesmn View Post

      Thanks for your detailed responses. Based on your feedback, I'm going to change my approach and send a brochure and small intro letter to our leads first. I think this will establish some credibility and differentiate us from competitors saying, "We buy houses."

      I'd like to ask one follow-up question. Could I use a reduced version of the letter above WITH the brochure? If not, what should my stance be in the intro letter? It seems like most of my problem/solution content would be in the brochure.
      Just to be clear, the first contact offers valuable information
      on making the right choices with their home.
      They only get it when requested.

      I don't see the need for a shorter version when
      you send out your guide. There can be a brief overview
      of your business at the beginning and letting the reader know
      you offer personalized help and the details of it are at the end.
      All within the guide.

      You want to drive them into the guide which is made
      so compelling by the end of it they want to contact you,
      pre-sold.

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
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  • Profile picture of the author openskiesmn
    Doc. Vile,

    So to be clear on your recommendation:

    Mailing 1:
    Sales letter like the one I originally posted. Offering free brochure on their options if they request it via phone, web, etc.

    Mailing 2:
    Basically the free guide itself with a short overview, not a sales letter.

    Subsequent mailings/contact can be made afterwards.

    Excuse the rookie question. I'm very grateful for your feedback!
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