Please Critique My Letter!

28 replies
So I met with an owner of a furniture store yesterday who doesn't have a website. I created a website after buying his business .com and it's already ranked #1 for the business name. I couldn't get a wifi connection in his store and they don't have a computer there, so he couldn't actually SEE the site then, but I did give him the domain and also told him that he could just Google his business name and the site is #1. (That got his attention.)

So here's my follow up letter that includes my proposal. I need a couple of quick critiques as I'd like this letter to go out in today's mail, in about an hour.

Dear Brian,
Hope you're doing well. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to talk with me yesterday about your website development and promotion for http://xxxxx.
Here are a couple of statistics I thought you might find interesting:
  • 80% of buyers look to the internet first before ever setting food outside their homes to go shopping
  • The average person spends 4% of their time reading print advertising, while that same person spends approximately 33% of their waking hours online for recreational use

And here are a few business benefits to using my service:

  • It is completely hands-off for you. While you have the final say in anything that I do for your business, I handle the responsibility of implementation.
  • With my expertise, I feel confident that I can achieve a first-page ranking with http://xxxxxxxxxxxxx for at least four different keywords (phrases that buyers are typing into Google to find businesses like yours) that receive approximately 1200 monthly searches combined.
  • With print advertising, you must hope that a few people looking at your ad are interested in buying furniture. With the targeted internet advertising I am offering you, your website will be in front of the very people who are looking for your products - people living in and around xxxxxxx who are looking to purchase furniture.

My normal base rate for a website with initial Search Engine Optimization is $997. Monthly maintenance and promotion for each keyword phrase to get it ranking, and keep it ranking in the major search engines, is $200 per keyword phrase per month. For a geographic business listing and optimization in Google, I charge $497 (this includes photos and video that I will secure - again, no work on your part at all).


What I am proposing to you is a barter of my services for your furniture. The advantage to you is that while I am bartering looking at the retail price of your furniture, you are bartering with the wholesale value of your furniture.

What I envision for xxxxxxx is development of the website that I have created and optimized, which is already ranking in the #1 position for your business name. I've researched four keywords to target for xxxxxxxxxxxx, which I will promote for a term of three months, at which time, services can be renewed if you wish. The value of this package in total is $3397. What I propose is a barter for goods in the retail amount of $3000, and I will also completely optimize your geographic business listing absolutely free of charge.
Okay, so any GLARING errors?
#critique #letter
  • Profile picture of the author MichaelHiles
    Need a specific call to action... or "next step" expectation (I'll follow up in a couple of days...)

    But other than that, you focused on benefits. Good.

    If you could print and copy the page where you sourced your stats and circle them or highlight them, that would also stand out.

    Good letter though.

    Happy birthday BTW.
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  • Profile picture of the author Lisa Gergets
    Birthday? It's not my birthday, LOL!
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    • Profile picture of the author MichaelHiles
      Originally Posted by Lisa Gergets View Post

      Birthday? It's not my birthday, LOL!
      Nevermind... I thought I had seen it on Facebook and realized it was Sal... who has been absent from WF for a very long time.

      Yours is in Feb... haha...
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    • Profile picture of the author willz605
      I find your letter too wordy....I would try to make it 2 paragraphs at best...
      I don't find the sense of urgency in the letter either....

      I will say though that I've never used a barter letter....so I cannot say whether it will work or not.....
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  • Profile picture of the author adriver38
    Im not the worlds best copywriter and always have my bf double check my letters and website text before it goes out, but I think this sounds great. You are showing the value of your service and you already own the business domain. Good for you! Keep in mind he has the furniture marked up so I would mark up the value of your services a bit too, if you haven't already Did he seem interested in the offer when you spoke to him yesterday? Keep us updated!!
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  • Profile picture of the author Lisa Gergets
    Again, thank you for your time, Brian, and I hope to have xxxx as a client very soon! I’ll give you a call in a few days as promised, and we can talk more at that point.

    Okay, added that to the close.
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  • Profile picture of the author stevestan
    Hey there. Good letter, I don't know if your customer is internet literate, but I would break down the the keyword info for him likethis. 'the keyword "antique" is searched for locally 22.674 times a month on google,' that will really help him to understand how big his/her target market is.
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  • Profile picture of the author redlegrich
    Well, my comment would be why are you giving him a 50% discount on your services? With a #1 Google ranking he should see an increase in traffic and sales. At I would guess a 100% markup on his wholesale cost he is getting about $3,400 of service for $1,500. Plus, he gets an increase in business! And, to make matters more lopsided you offer $3,397 of business for $3,000 of furniture, giving away another $400.

    If you don't value your service then I can assure you no one else will.

    If you offer $3,397 of value to him then by golly get $3,397 back in either cold hard cash or his invoice cost of the furniture.
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    • Profile picture of the author Lisa Gergets
      Originally Posted by redlegrich View Post

      Well, my comment would be why are you giving him a 50% discount on your services? With a #1 Google ranking he should see an increase in traffic and sales. At I would guess a 100% markup on his wholesale cost he is getting about $3,400 of service for $1,500. Plus, he gets an increase in business! And, to make matters more lopsided you offer $3,397 of business for $3,000 of furniture, giving away another $400.

      If you don't value your service then I can assure you no one else will.

      If you offer $3,397 of value to him then by golly get $3,397 back in either cold hard cash or his invoice cost of the furniture.
      Thanks for you comments...and that's entirely true. This is my very first effort at offline marketing, so that's probably to blame. Just walking into the business yesterday was a total WIN for me! So even if I don't get anything out of this transaction, I really still have!
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    • Profile picture of the author PaulintheSticks
      Originally Posted by redlegrich View Post

      Well, my comment would be why are you giving him a 50% discount on your services? With a #1 Google ranking he should see an increase in traffic and sales. At I would guess a 100% markup on his wholesale cost he is getting about $3,400 of service for $1,500.
      I don't agree with that statement. His cost of doing business is way higher than yours. You have to look at net margins, not gross. Plus its a win-win. You both profit. You need the furniture and you get your first client. I would not have discounted the price though.

      I would leave out the word "normal" in your base price in future letters as that might make someone think its negotiable. You probably just said that because you discounted his price.

      Also, you might want to reword the verbiage in the "I'm looking at bartering retail" sentence. Seemed kind of choppy and possibly a little confusing.

      Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author Lisa Gergets
    @adriver38 - he did seem interested, especially when I began talking to him about keywords, etc. and told him that the keywords I chose got between 1000-1200 exact monthly searches.

    @willz605 - this is a very non-savvy person in terms of internet marketing, so I felt the need to explain things in words that I felt he'd be able to understand.
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  • Profile picture of the author TracyNeedham
    Hi Lisa,

    No glaring errors, I notice someone already mentioned to add a call to action, so here's just a few other thoughts...

    -- I'd bold the "It is completely hands-off for you," both because it's important and also because it will visually look better since the other bullets have bold in them

    -- You may want to just do a little table summarizing the fees and total because I think he may be confused otherwise, especially if he's reading it quickly

    -- Knowing how so many offline businesses think, I'm worried he may think since he's #1 for his business name, he doesn't need to worry about the rest. So you may want to just add how many monthly searches there are for his business name so he can see how the 1,200 additional will really multiply his chances.

    -- Also, why are you bartering for less than your service value? Especially when you know he already has an advantage with the wholesale-retail thing. It could make him wonder if your services aren't normally priced that.

    I'd start by asking for the full amount and then if he wants to negotiate for some reason, you'll have something to work with.

    And just an idea for next time--if a business owner you're meeting with may not have wi-fi, maybe you can print off a screen shot of the Google page with their #1 ranking to take with you? I bet they get a kick out of having that to show their spouse and all.

    Hope this helps!

    Tracy
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    • Profile picture of the author Lisa Gergets
      Originally Posted by TracyNeedham View Post

      Hi Lisa,

      No glaring errors, I notice someone already mentioned to add a call to action, so here's just a few other thoughts...

      -- I'd bold the "It is completely hands-off for you," both because it's important and also because it will visually look better since the other bullets have bold in them

      -- You may want to just do a little table summarizing the fees and total because I think he may be confused otherwise, especially if he's reading it quickly

      -- Knowing how so many offline businesses think, I'm worried he may think since he's #1 for his business name, he doesn't need to worry about the rest. So you may want to just add how many monthly searches there are for his business name so he can see how the 1,200 additional will really multiply his chances.

      -- Also, why are you bartering for less than your service value? Especially when you know he already has an advantage with the wholesale-retail thing. It could make him wonder if your services aren't normally priced that.

      I'd start by asking for the full amount and then if he wants to negotiate for some reason, you'll have something to work with.

      And just an idea for next time--if a business owner you're meeting with may not have wi-fi, maybe you can print off a screen shot of the Google page with their #1 ranking to take with you? I bet they get a kick out of having that to show their spouse and all.

      Hope this helps!

      Tracy
      It really does help, Tracy! And yes, next time I'll definitely have a printout and maybe even a short marketing report to give them. I learned a heck of a lot with that one visit yesterday!
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  • Profile picture of the author redlegrich
    Lisa, totally understand about your initial win here. You are doing a great, long term service for this store and they should pay for that value and you, who did the work should as well.

    Good luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author Lisa Gergets
      Originally Posted by redlegrich View Post

      Lisa, totally understand about your initial win here. You are doing a great, long term service for this store and they should pay for that value and you, who did the work should as well.

      Good luck!
      Thanks!

      Letter just went out, so I'll keep everyone updated!
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  • Profile picture of the author Rus Sells
    Hi Lisa,

    First thing I noticed immediately was,

    80% of buyers look to the internet first before ever setting food outside their homes to go shopping
    Eliminate keyword completely and just use search words or search phrases. Cite an example to make it clear.

    Also you might consider giving him a vision.

    What we want to ultimately accomplish is branding your business name at the local level so that when any one thinks of buying a chair or love set they think of your business name. I want to make furniture and your business name synonymous with each other.


    The rest of the letter is good and as Michael mentioned, you need a call to action as well.

    Hope this helps.

    Russ
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  • Profile picture of the author Lisa Gergets
    Well, this letter should have been delivered today, so I'm going to call the business tomorrow afternoon and talk to the guy I talked to on Tuesday.

    Wish me success!
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  • Profile picture of the author Lisa Gergets
    Just thought you guys would find this funny...

    My husband has been playing "client" and coming at me with every reason not to need to want the service I'm offering, for like the last hour or two. LOL Fun stuff!
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    • Profile picture of the author Rus Sells
      Lisa, role playing is a very good way at learning to handle objections. Keep it up!

      Originally Posted by Lisa Gergets View Post

      Just thought you guys would find this funny...

      My husband has been playing "client" and coming at me with every reason not to need to want the service I'm offering, for like the last hour or two. LOL Fun stuff!
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  • Profile picture of the author Lisa Gergets
    Well, the furniture store was a bust. No matter what I said, their response was "We've got a guy that can do that." LOL

    So, onward and upward!
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    • Profile picture of the author Rus Sells
      Lisa,

      If you want some help overcoming objections let me know.

      Originally Posted by Lisa Gergets View Post

      Well, the furniture store was a bust. No matter what I said, their response was "We've got a guy that can do that." LOL

      So, onward and upward!
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      • Profile picture of the author Vincenzo Oliva
        You have to be a little more "ballsy" in your approach. Generic stats might work in a powerpoint presentations but NOT a direct approach letter. It's about a BIG promise you intend on delivering. Something "their guy" can't possible deliver. You might need to work pro bono until you can reference big results and testimonials, that's key.

        I also hate using SEO lingo with a customer who most likely thinks your speaking a foreign language with "keyword maintenance," "geographical business listings," "optimization"...etc.

        I like to speak in the language they DO understand, MORE qualified LEADS, MORE sales, MORE Profits! :-)
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    • Profile picture of the author DiamondPed
      Hi Lisa,

      Pity your letter didn't work out with this guy, but put it down to a GREAT learning experience & kudos for "getting out there" as well!

      Originally Posted by Lisa Gergets View Post

      .. their response was "We've got a guy that can do that."
      Re comment above: Why is "their guy" not doing it for them now :confused:

      Get onto the next nearest furniture store & try it again & keep going 'til you get someone to take up your offer!


      Onwards & Upwards,

      PeterC
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      • Profile picture of the author Jill Carpenter
        Originally Posted by Lisa Gergets View Post

        Well, the furniture store was a bust. No matter what I said, their response was "We've got a guy that can do that." LOL

        So, onward and upward!
        Go to their competitor, and offer the same deal - and tell them who they are up against.
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  • Profile picture of the author BlogTyrant
    Lisa I've been doing this for a very long time and I have always found a phone call to be so much more solid at this stage. Do you have a good relationship with him? If so I'd go and see him.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rus Sells
    Originally Posted by Lisa Gergets
    Well, the furniture store was a bust. No matter what I said, their response was "We've got a guy that can do that." LOL

    So, onward and upward!
    Oh! I get it now! Get what? Says the business owner.

    That if you want your site on the 10th page of Google I need to hire some, "guy".

    Let me give you a different perspective to look at it.

    When you wreck your car your insurance company is supposed to pay for all repairs minus the your deductible, right?

    Business owner, right.

    Well, unless you insist on the quality of the body shop your insurance company is going to tell you to take it to the shop they know charges the least amount of money. We all know they try to get out of paying or at least pay as little as possible, right?

    Business owner, right.

    In reality your paying to take your car to whatever body shop you choose so why on earth would you pick the shop that charges the least amount of money?

    Well you wouldn't right?

    Business owner, right.

    This is exactly what your doing by having "some guy" take care of "that" for you.
    Surely you don't want some guy who says they can "insert whatever service your selling here" and he's doing a crappy job at it.

    I mean you wouldn't accept your car in any lessor condition after the body shop fixed it then it was before your accident right?

    Just because you have some guy handling it does not mean he's doing it right. Actually truth be told and no offense to you, but I would not be calling you today if he was doing his job correctly.

    Ok so guess what happens next?

    That guy gets fired and now your being seriously considered as his replacement.
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    • Profile picture of the author Bronwyn and Keith
      Hi Lisa

      Most things have been covered here but we found one that "we" think is important.

      Rather than saying

      80% of buyers look to the internet first before ever setting foot outside their homes to go shopping

      Say

      More than 80% of buyers look to the internet first before ever setting foot outside their homes to go shopping


      It gets them thinking right off the bat.

      Regards

      Bronwyn and Keith
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  • Profile picture of the author Gale10
    This is a really useful thread, thanks so much Lisa.
    All the best on your next attempt at bartering! I am currently trying to get a highly qualified hairdresser to agree to barter for her skills, in return for site maintenance.

    Best wishes,

    Ruth
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