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I've revised my sales letter, please critique it for me :)

by mscherrah
4 replies
Hello all,

A little while ago, I posted a sales letter I am going to send out, and I asked you to critique it for me. I made some changes to it, and would like to see your thoughts. Please be as brutal as you need to be.

Thanks!
Matt


Hello!

My name is Matt Scherrah, I am a partner/co-owner of One Sun Media Group, a video production company in Pittsburgh. I am writing you today, because while looking for XYZ Businesses, I found your Google Places site, and I noticed you do not have any videos on the listing!

Google Places is a very important tool for marketing yourself and your services. When people are looking for local results, Google Places is the best place to look for information, directions, services, and, most importantly, reviews and testimonials!

One of the best ways to use Google Places to your advantage is to provide searchers with the most information possible. Give them your hours, your address, phone number, and more. Another important feature that many people leave out of their Google Places listing is video.

Adding video to your Google Places listing makes your listing more viable to the person searching for you. They are able to see you, your business, service, etc. They get the feeling they can connect with you better than they can with those other "faceless" competitors.

A great way to add video to your Google Places listing while also providing people with information about you and your services is through video testimonials.

Video testimonials allow searchers to see first-hand what satisfied customers have to say about you and your business! Many times, these testimonials alone are what will bring more business to your doorstep!

If you would like to learn more about how video tutorials can help you bring more business through your doorstep, and help you become a more trusted business, please contact me.

Sincerely,

Matt Scherrah
Partner/Co-owner
One Sun Media Group
www.onesunmediagroup.com
#critique #letter #revised #sales
  • Profile picture of the author redlegrich
    A bit dry. No real call to action (please call me is not much of a CTA). Like everyone says, offer something like a report of how video helps businesses. Five to six pages with some good info, stats, and a few examples. Get their email address and send them the report.

    It might help to find a good copywriter to help out here. It's a real art and you'll get a solid ROI from your expense.
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  • Profile picture of the author jimbo13
    This may help you.

    On this forum is a copywriting section. Can you move the post to there or re-write it? because they are the guys you want to be having a look.

    I have seen other people write letters and post them there and some of the tweaks suggested totally change things from ok to wow!

    I bet if we were in the pub and I said what do you do? and you told me and then I said what is so good about that? you would be full of passion and enthusiasm making me say ok ok count me in. That is what the copywriters will likely tell you to do with your letter.

    Dan
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  • Profile picture of the author IMUniversity
    Give them a visual screenshot of what they are lacking.
    Also show them an example of what you would do AFTER.

    Hit them with the main fact that their google places page is UNOPTIMIZED. Don't sell the video service alone. Tell them they need to get listed. Get pictures. Google Places information description. Videos.

    Then talk them into getting listed on other local directories:
    Yelp
    Dex
    Yellow Pages Etc.

    And that you know how to optimize such to help them get search engine optimized and seen by others.

    You might need to scale up your extra / upsell services and hit the base fact. Look at it through the eyes of the client. In the end why would they want to use your service? Give them every reason why the NEED to. Not WANT to.
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  • Profile picture of the author danielkanuck
    Add a subject line right above "Hello" and write:

    "RE: Lowering your cost of doing business by acquiring customers online."

    I noticed that you didn't have a headline. Alot of business owners will only skim over your letter if they don't immediately know what it's about.
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