Pre made fan pages anyone?

He said he creates a video "explaining how it can help their business", which would mean benefits, not features.

Sooo true!

I really think a key is to find businesses who are ACTIVELY using Facebook. A lot of businesses have a page and may even advertise it with the "Find us on Facebook..." jargon, but if they are actively putting posts up on a daily or semi-daily basis, I think they are much easier to sell to.

Here's a post I wrote..

http://www.warriorforum.com/offline-...-services.html

Especially if you are going to invest that kind of time on contacting them and presenting stuff to them, my opinion is I'd want to find the ones who do not need much convincing...if a business has a page but their last wall post was over 3 months, I move to the next.

First of all, this is a great realization. It seems like it points to a couple decisions you need to make, based on the recognition that the video is basically the same as a sales page, but made specifically for them, and delivered in video format.

Decision #1) Are you going to work on really honing and making the copy great, or do you just want to slightly improve it (in other words, not spend too much time or money), and get into the mode of mass production, so that instead of sending out 20 and seeing what happens, you send out, maybe 20 a day for a month. If you get enough pitches out there, they need not be stellar to get you the clients you need, although obviously you want them to be as good as possible without making a career of refining them.

#2) If you want to make it really great, are you going to become an expert at writing copy, or are you going to hire an expert? Similarly, are you going to work on your delivery (which was okay, but could be spruced up), or outsource the voice-over?

It seems by starting this thread, you're leaning toward learning what you can quickly, and making some improvements yourself, but I just wanted to bring up other options, in case you hadn't considered them.

Fortunately, all the resources you need are here, and I suggest looking beyond this thread for general advice on writing good copy. I think Darren Scott Monroe has a WSO on killer sales copy, and he's great at it. I'm sure there are a ton of others in the Warroom and WSO section.

My 2 cents on improvements:

Starting off with "My name is..., and we do..." is a sure way to get their resistance up, because they have heard a thousand pitches, and they all start that way. Instead, launch into talking about them and their page straight away, and mention your name casually after the first sentence, and try to blend what you do into the discussion of what they need, rather than as announcement. Don't put your name and what you do in the same sentence, even if it isn't the first sentence.

I would stick to benefits everyone understands, and not everyone gets "branding". Better to talk about how it can bring them leads and customers. Better yet if you support that by actual examples of other businesses that have increased their bottom line from their fanpage.

Toss "randomly picked". It just sounds too impersonal. Think of it like asking someone to dance with you. "Hi, I randomly picked you from across the room, may I have this dance?". If you work a complement into why you picked them without sounding too unbelievable, it would be great. That would mean a bit more research-perhaps look for firms that have positive reviews, and quote one, or something like that. If you don't want to go to the trouble, something like "I was looking at the facebook pages of several law firms, and I noticed...", just don't use the word "random".

"Increase your likes, which is something you definitely want to do", should be turned into a benefit. Don't just tell them they "want to do" it without telling them why, and always connect it to the bottom line-more clients and more profits, and preferably with examples: "like such and such firm did last year, when they increased their client base by 23% just from their facebook page."

You told them a couple times what they want to do, and should be doing, which makes it sound like you're adding to their work load. Just change your phrasing a little bit, especially "you should be doing"-never tell them they "should" do anything-sounds a bit parental, and doesn't make them feel excited. You want to go for excitement-not overwhelm-"should" is more likely to produce the latter.

"A lot more things you can do with Facebook"-also contributes to overwhelm. Keep it simple and specific, and emphasize how easy it will be to make changes that will put more money in their bank account. I would steer completely clear of suggesting that they need to, want, or should to do anything at all, other than be ready to accept your expert guidance.

I really like "this is like a mini web site inside Facebook"-I hope you'll keep that.

Rehearse a bit more to minimize the aaahhs and umms. Try to get a bit more excitement and a "smile" in your voice. It sounds goofy, but you've probably heard it before, and it works-try doing it in front of a mirror and making sure you're smiling the whole time-people can "hear the smile".

Hope that was helpful and you don't feel picked on-believe me there is nobody that sounds less smiley than me, if I don't make the effort when pitching someone.

If I was taking your approach, I'd probably just hire someone from Fiverr.

Keep up the good work-just a little tweaking and sending out a lot more of them could be just the ticket. You'll improve the quality and speed of the videos with practice, so even if you send 20 out with no response, no big deal, just make the next 20 faster and better. You might have a 5% response rate even with no improvements, but 20 just isn't enough for an accurate test-maybe you just had bad luck, and hit some businesses that aren't very receptive.