15 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
15 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

Critique my intro email? Is it good? bad? or pretty ugly?

by WillST
13 replies
Hi guys,

I'm ramping things up at the moment and purchased PLP to blast 150+ emails out per day. I'm not expecting a massive response but 0.5% would yield an additional 3-4 leads per week.

Anyway... what do you think about this email? Too short / too long / not a strong enough call to action / weak offer? I will be changing it slightly for each industry I target... Would love to hear your thoughts

______


Hi there,

I came across your website while searching for a cleaning company online. I was curious about whether you were looking to take on additional work over the following months, as we are looking to start a campaign to generate more enquiries through your website.

We do this by attracting people from Google who are searching for a carpet cleaner, commercial/domestic cleaning company, upholstery cleaner, etc, locally to where you operate.

We have worked with several different types of businesses in the past, and testimonials can be found on our Free Index page - XXXXXXXXX

Unfortunately we can only work with one type of cleaning company in each location (or one national brand), because if we work with two there will be a clear conflict of interest. If you're not interested, please advise and I can offer this opportunity to another company.

However, if you would like to discuss further, I would be happy to provide a free consultation to explain what we could achieve. If so, I can be reached at XXXXX.

Sincerely,

MY NAME

JOB TITLE
XXX.com
XXX - Direct number
XXX - Office Freephone

_________

What do you think?

Thanks guys!
#bad #critique #email #good #intro #pretty #ugly
  • Profile picture of the author John Pawlett
    What are the different subject lines that you are going to test?

    The first part of any mailing is getting it opened in the first place then move on to your copy.

    John
    Signature
    The Secret Awakening - Yes, YOU Can Have it All
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4990593].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author WillST
    Strangely enough, I don't add a subject line...

    I think it makes it look like its actually from someone as opposed to a mass mail that way? The 'from' is always my name as well, as opposed to my company name so it appears it is a personal email before it is opened and read...

    Or would you advise differently?
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4990605].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author sanhal
      Originally Posted by JSTEF View Post

      Strangely enough, I don't add a subject line...

      I think it makes it look like its actually from someone as opposed to a mass mail that way? The 'from' is always my name as well, as opposed to my company name so it appears it is a personal email before it is opened and read...

      Or would you advise differently?
      Personally, I rarely open emails without a subject line as they look suspicious to me.

      None of my personal friends would send me an email without a subject line.

      Just my 2 pence worth.

      Sandy
      Signature
      FREE Guide: 3 Day Clean Eating Challenge
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4990658].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author kingroom
        E-mails with no subject gets me as curious as ever.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7304658].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author krzysiek
    I'm not expert, but focus on the benefits. You've only briefly mentioned the benefit, the rest is all related information to your service. Tell them what they want to hear - they'll get more customers, more revenue.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4990736].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author bhuff85
    I'm no expert, but I would shorten things up and give it more punch. It appears "soft" to me - (i.e. "I was curious about whether you were looking to take on more work..."). I would also not even include the "if you're not interested" part. Just cut it out completely. In other words, don't even give them a chance to think about it. I would lead straight in with the "if you would like to discuss this further" line instead.

    Hope that helps man. Good luck with the e-mail, though. Can be a tough route for conversions.
    Signature
    Want to speed up your writing and save time?
    This book will show you how:
    --> Write Fast: 21 Powerful Ways to Cut Your Writing Time in Half! <--
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4991805].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author WillST
    Excellent, thanks bhuff85! Email marketing is one of a few strategies I'm implementing for lead generation. It only takes a few minutes to set up and emails are sent out automatically in the background.

    I've not braved cold calling just yet... But Im also setting up as many JVs as possible with web designers, and joined my local BNI... so we have a trickle of leads on a weekly basis, but I really do need to start turning the heat up... the leads I am getting seem to be dropping off the radar shortly after there interest has been piqued.

    Will make those suggested changes and see how they fair on Monday :-)
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4991834].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    I believe your second sentence, where you set out the problem that you hope they're experiencing and that you wish to solve, needs to be stronger, clearer, and stand out more. If I skim the message, as many disinterested readers will do with unsolicited communication, I would probably completely miss the reason for your email.

    Also, be careful about the anti-spam requirements. I think you need to state in there that this is an advertisement. This page has some quick anti-spam compliance points listed.
    Signature
    >> How To Grow Your Online Business [FREE Training Video, No Opt-In, from 10+ Year Vet]

    >> For Agency Founders: The Fast Shortcut To Selling SEO, Leadgen, Webdesign & Other Services
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4991952].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Seantrepreneur
    I would suggest testing a few different subject lines. I'm not a complete expert, but I know a subject line is something like a first impression. I would suggest taking advantage of that and making a good first impression. Test a few different ones and see what gives you the best open rate.

    Sean
    Signature
    -------->Started with $500 on Amazon and building it from there. Week #1 income report is live ($593.78 in revenue)<----------
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4992067].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author profitmaster7
    First, your line: "locally to where you operate" sounds clunky. Second, I've opened these in the past and always think I'm being sold ad space. Last, the part about only having one advertiser on your site makes it sound shady. Why not list several types of the same business and let the consumer decide?
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4992107].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author WillST
    Thanks guys so far, has anyone else got any advice? The more the merrier :-)
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[4992633].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author lakersfan32
    Which program are using for email blasts? You mentioned PLP
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7304646].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Josh T.
    I know this might seem like blasphemy, but try to craft an email that says NOTHING about marketing or Google. Those have become '4-letter words' to many business owners.

    Think of your goal for this email. You goal is to get someone into a conversation. I get emails like this all the time, and they look pretty generic, they say too much. Give me ONE thing that will grab my attention enough to garner a response.

    Try this:

    I came across your website while searching for a cleaning company online. I was curious about whether you were able to take on 3-4 more jobs in the next 4 weeks.

    Is there a good time we can get on the phone and visit about this?
    Signature
    Connect With Me On ===> LinkedIn
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7307708].message }}

Trending Topics