Can You Grade My Sales Letter?

26 replies
Would you have any sales letter tips? I've sent out about 100 sales letters to plastic surgeons with no response yet. I looked at the letter and realized that it was too complicated.

Would do you think the following revision?

(salutation)

(introduction showing your experience, expertise)


I would like to know if you'd be interested in obtaining free leads for your (type of services your prospect sells).


Why
free?

I understand that in order to market myself as a lead generation specialist I have to provide incredible value,
free of charge, to prospects before they consider investing in my services.

I have recently done so with a local business in Cleveland, giving them $100,000 worth of leads in a 12 month period, $10,000 of which converted.


I understand that you have probably received unsolicited phone calls or emails regarding marketing services. My services, however, are free of charge for the first 5 leads (in the form of phone calls or emails to you). There is no obligation, no contract. After that, you decide whether it is worth it to continue using my services for a cost, based on how many of those 5 leads converted to paying clients.


Please call me at
(XXX-XXX-XXXX) or email me at blank@gmail.com if you want to learn more about obtaining free scheduled appointments for your services.

#grade #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Eddie Spangler
    F-
    If thats the revision Id hate to see the original. If I got this letter I would laugh thinking someone was trying to play a joke on me before trashing/deleting it.

    Sorry cant be constructive on this one because there is nothing to work with. Anyone helping you would have to write the entire letter from scratch for you because I honestly dont believe a few tips are going to help you out.

    Spend some time in the copywriting forum and learn a thing or 2, then try again.
    Also google Dan Kennedy or Gary Halbert to pick up more pointers.
    Signature
    Promise Big.
    Deliver Bigger.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mr.Brandon
      As someone who has purchased leads before, my red flag would go off at the word free. A free lead has always been someone who was a tire kicker and just a complete waste of time. Business owners would rather see an example of $10,000 worth of quality leads converted to $100,000 worth of new business. Instead of out of a $100,000 worth of free leads only $10,000 worth converted to new business.
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  • Profile picture of the author easygoingdude
    Believe it or not, I emailed this letter to about 20 plastic surgeons and got 1 solid response. I'm looking to do direct mail this time around and believe this can yield some results.

    Just because it doesn't fit into your mold of what's good, doesn't mean it can't convert. Thanks for....um...nothing.

    Originally Posted by Eddie Spangler View Post

    F-
    If thats the revision Id hate to see the original. If I got this letter I would laugh thinking someone was trying to play a joke on me before trashing/deleting it.

    Sorry cant be constructive on this one because there is nothing to work with. Anyone helping you would have to write the entire letter from scratch for you because I honestly dont believe a few tips are going to help you out.

    Spend some time in the copywriting forum and learn a thing or 2, then try again.
    Also google Dan Kennedy or Gary Halbert to pick up more pointers.
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    • Profile picture of the author David Miller
      Originally Posted by easygoingdude View Post

      Believe it or not, I emailed this letter to about 20 plastic surgeons and got 1 solid response. I'm looking to do direct mail this time around and believe this can yield some results.

      Just because it doesn't fit into your mold of what's good, doesn't mean it can't convert. Thanks for....um...nothing.
      Why would someone ask for a review of a letter if:

      1. You've already used it and are aware of the results and should be able to come to some conclusion about its effectiveness.

      2. You dispute any criticism and insult the person who has given his time and experience to do what you requested.

      Please have the courtesy to simply say "thank you" and move on. You seem like some of the others on here who ask for an opinion or help only so you can receive accolades for your thoughts.

      When the time comes that you are sincerely interested in some feedback, you'll find that you've come to the well one too many times.
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      The big lesson in life, baby, is never be scared of anyone or anything.
      -- FRANK SINATRA, quoted in The Way You Wear Your Hat
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      • Profile picture of the author Eddie Spangler
        Originally Posted by David Miller View Post


        When the time comes that you are sincerely interested in some feedback, you'll find that you've come to the well one too many times.
        Here is the title of a fable im writing-"The hungry marketer who cried help!"
        Signature
        Promise Big.
        Deliver Bigger.
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  • Profile picture of the author ryanmckinney
    Originally Posted by easygoingdude View Post

    I've sent out about 100 sales letters to plastic surgeons with no response yet

    Now it's 1 solid lead?

    I do not write copy by no means, but I would change a lot on that letter. I would first make it more personal, I wouldn't say "free" or "leads", I would use words like "paying" and "patients" (assuming that is what plastic surgeons call their clients).

    I would probably also let them know I sent the same letter to the competitor and name them as well.

    As the previous poster said, there is nothing to really start with there. You need to learn how to write the copy better.

    Just popping into the forum looking for free "copy" will just aggravate people who take pride in providing the service, and pay their mortgages with that service.

    If it is apparent to said experts that you at least tried to learn copy and were not just looking for free work, you may have more people willing to help out (people tend to help people who try).

    I have been successful with direct mail campaigns, but I really target the people a specific way, and my copy is nothing like that, but we both are looking for the same end result here.

    Ryan
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    • Profile picture of the author easygoingdude
      Originally Posted by ryanmckinney View Post

      Now it's 1 solid lead?

      I do not write copy by no means, but I would change a lot on that letter. I would first make it more personal, I wouldn't say "free" or "leads", I would use words like "paying" and "patients" (assuming that is what plastic surgeons call their clients).

      I would probably also let them know I sent the same letter to the competitor and name them as well.

      As the previous poster said, there is nothing to really start with there. You need to learn how to write the copy better.

      Just popping into the forum looking for free "copy" will just aggravate people who take pride in providing the service, and pay their mortgages with that service.

      If it is apparent to said experts that you at least tried to learn copy and were not just looking for free work, you may have more people willing to help out (people tend to help people who try).

      I have been successful with direct mail campaigns, but I really target the people a specific way, and my copy is nothing like that, but we both are looking for the same end result here.

      Ryan
      Sounds good Ryan. I meant that I got 1 lead from sending this letter via email. With direct email I tried something completely different with no response yet, which is why I want to maybe try this old one out. Also, what's in the parentheses is customized.
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      • Profile picture of the author ryanmckinney
        Originally Posted by easygoingdude View Post

        Sounds good Ryan. I meant that I got 1 lead from sending this letter via email. With direct email I tried something completely different with no response yet, which is why I want to maybe try this old one out. Also, what's in the parentheses is customized.

        Imagine how many more leads you could have with better copy? Dig around the copy writing forum and learn some things...

        Don't just go in there and asked to get critiqued right away or you will more than likely get flamed.

        Ryan
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  • Profile picture of the author Eddie Spangler
    Ha Ha

    If you cant take a critique then dont ask for it. And I actually did give you some good advice spend some time in the copywriting forum and learn a thing or 2, then try again.Also google Dan Kennedy or Gary Halbert to pick up more pointers but you seemed to have ignored those.

    You asked for a grade and I gave you one. You say you had success with the letter then go ahead and send it out and see what response you get ,so far according to your numbers 1 out of 120 have replied to you. How many dollars worth of leads did he buy?

    Send this letter out and then come back here and tell us how many people signed up and sell us a WSO so we can duplicate your success.

    I could use a tummy tuck myself but I would be afraid to work with any plastic surgeon that would respond to this letter as they would have to be super desperate for business. Of course that is my humble opinion.
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    Promise Big.
    Deliver Bigger.
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  • Profile picture of the author Stranger Danger
    As a business owner, this is my honest review:

    Keep it simple and to the point. Your letter seems too 'salesy' (I might not even read it all). I don't care about your experience and expertise. I only care about whether or not you can make me more money and what it will cost me. Tell me that you have 30+ people calling you each month that are looking for MY services and you want to transfer all of those calls to MY business.

    If I am interested, I will contact you. If I contact you, it would be better if you are flexible and you provide reasonable options. If your rates are too expensive, ask me why I think that...ask me what I think is reasonable. I might not see the value unless you explain it to me; for example, tell me something like this:
    "If I can get you just ONE client a year, the cost of my service is paid for - for the entire year!"
    And remember, I probably don't care about other free offerings (e.g. youtube video or the like)...all I care about is making money. Also, some terms just won't register with some people; for example (off the top of my head):
    • SEO
    • Lead generation specialist
    • Leads
    • Converted or conversions
    • Click thru rates and impressions etc.
    • Top page / #1 spot / SERP's
    • Google places
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  • Profile picture of the author racso316
    This is not meant to be offensive, but I'm just curious...

    You claim to be a lead generation specialist to your prospect, but seem to be failing at it on your own business?

    To answer your question, something that your sales letter is lacking is urgency and scarcity, a better irresistible offer, a guarantee and a stronger call to action. For starters.
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    • Profile picture of the author easygoingdude
      Originally Posted by racso316 View Post

      This is not meant to be offensive, but I'm just curious...

      You claim to be a lead generation specialist to your prospect, but seem to be failing at it on your own business?

      To answer your question, something that your sales letter is lacking is urgency and scarcity, a better irresistible offer, a guarantee and a stronger call to action. For starters.
      That's because I get leads from lead generation websites that I SEO optimize. Direct mail is not my thing. Thank you for your tips.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bjarne Viken
    I think you could add more proof to your sales letter and your approach for getting leads:

    Use your sales letter to offer a free 60 minutes consultation on generating more leads for their business. Then in the letter include an offer for a free CD/DVD on "How to double your leads in one month". If you could present at a university and record it, it would be ideal, however you could also just record your thoughts as an audio file and summarize the main points in a written report. Put it in a nice folder with your contact details and another free offer, for instance on converting leads.

    If you can, see if you can make your information material as comprehensive and high quality as possible. That should not only overwhelm the recipient, but also lead to a higher conversion to you.

    Then during the conversation/consultation see if you can develop/offer a service/product in increasing their conversion as well.

    Finally, I don't know the details of your business but see if there is a way for you to track sales in your business model. Because if there is, and you are confident in what you do, then you could experiment with being paid on results, which reduces the risk for the buyers and shows extreme confidence.
    Signature

    Bjarne Viken
    Conversion Strategist

    Skype: bjarne.viken | bjarne@scaleup.com.au | LinkedIn: http://au.linkedin.com/in/bjarneviken | http://www.scaleup.com.au | Free consultation: http://calendly.com/bjarne-viken

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  • Profile picture of the author Stranger Danger
    The OP is clearly not interested in receiving good, honest help - let alone, giving thanks for that help. He appears to be more concerned about the critical remarks that are being generated by this thread. Some might say that an inability to accept constructive criticism while taking everything personally is not good business practice.

    Some might say.
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    • Profile picture of the author easygoingdude
      Originally Posted by Stranger Danger View Post

      The OP is clearly not interested in receiving good, honest help - let alone, giving thanks for that help. He appears to be more concerned about the critical remarks that are being generated by this thread. Some might say that an inability to accept constructive criticism while taking everything personally is not good business practice.

      Some might say.
      I want critiques. But not when someone like Eddie says that everything is baloney (its not because it has worked, albeit to a very limited extent).
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  • Profile picture of the author Eddie Spangler
    I actually never called your letter baloney. That would be putting it too mildly.

    It is a heaping pile of cow manure at best.

    So you only want critiques that dont hurt your feelings or ones that cater to your fragile ego. Listen the fact is that your copywriting is so bad that you are not even in a position to accept the tips being given to you, you dont get ANYTHING about writing a salesletter. You really need to start from scratch and learn thats all Im saying or better yet pay someone with experience to do it for you.

    You are being delusional and admit that it has worked to a very limited extent. 1 person out of 120 who wanted FREE leads. Even a blind squirrel can find a nut every now and then.
    You dont realize that no one can take you for a serious professional when your communication skills are so poor. For all I know you are a supreme seo guy who gets killer leads BUT your audience will never know it because they wont respond to you.

    You are thinking Im attacking you personally and Im really not, Im trying to help you by telling you the truth. You may not get it anytime soon but IF you are lucky one day you will remember this thread and say to yourself "so thats what guy on Warrior Forum was trying to say.."
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    • Profile picture of the author David Miller
      When you ask for a "grade" than you have to be prepared for anything from "A - F" or don't bother to ask.

      Your letter does deserve an F in every respect. From a perspective of structure, it's poorly composed and doesn't follow a clear train of thought. It shows a lack of understanding of what would motivate a prospect to contact you for more information.

      Eddie Spangler is correct when he says that this letter should be tossed and completely redrafted.

      It takes some time to learn how to compose a quality sales letter and you should consider having a professional do it for you.

      But, as I read your response to the posts in this thread it is clear to me that you simply want a few "atta boys" and a some additions to your post count.

      Take something out of this and realize that we have told you what 119 other people haven't bothered to do. Your letter is BAD.
      Signature
      The big lesson in life, baby, is never be scared of anyone or anything.
      -- FRANK SINATRA, quoted in The Way You Wear Your Hat
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  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    This letter is far too low key and vapid. It never grabs my attention or tells me why I should keep reading.

    No headline, subheadlines to generate interest and keep the main points moving...

    And the attempt to overcome a perceived need to excuse the word "Free" dominating the discussion.

    After a quick glance at this, I'm afraid it would be round-filed.
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    I highly recommend you read Bob Bly's The Encyclopedia of Business Letters, Faxes and Emails. You can find it at amazon.com. He has some excellent lead generation letters that you can model.
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    A little teaser on the envelope:

    Orange County Plastic Surgeon Works Only 3 Days a Week
    Hauls in 7 Figures a Year
    And is Booked Solid for the Next Two Years.

    Dear Dr. Knife,

    Dr. Fredrick Johnson, an Orange County California plastic surgeon was so stressed out, he almost gave up his practice.

    Dr. Johnson was working 50 to 60 hours a week to haul down his mid 6 figure a year income.

    Today, Dr. Johnson works about 24 hours a week and makes 2.5 times the money he did when he was stressing himself to death.

    What did he do?

    He simplified his system. HOW?

    He now uses qualified leads and he is very particular about who he wants for a client. Three simple changes he made in his practice has given him more free time, more disposable income and more clients than he cares to handle.

    In fact, if someone cancels an appointment, he has people on waiting lists prepared to drop everything and fill in, often with just an hour's notice.

    What three things did he change?

    blah blah blah...

    Something like this, perhaps.

    gjabiz
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  • Profile picture of the author easygoingdude
    I appreciate the guys who have given me concrete tips/advice. I'll move forward with them. I'll gladly accept everyone thinking its terrible.

    Also, does anyone have any recommendations for a copywriter with experience in direct mail sales letters?
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    • Profile picture of the author somacorellc
      Originally Posted by easygoingdude View Post

      I appreciate the guys who have given me concrete tips/advice. I'll move forward with them. I'll gladly accept everyone thinking its terrible.

      Also, does anyone have any recommendations for a copywriter with experience in direct mail sales letters?
      There's a dude on this very forum who has had much success with selling SMS marketing services via direct mail. I think his username is criint (or something similar). Look for the thread "How I book 35 new clients a month..." or similar.

      Anyway his postcard is very direct and says something like (adapted for your business)

      "Double your buying leads by week's end. This is currently working for [name of local business it's working for].

      Call: [phone]"

      It's very simple, very to the point, and offers very direct benefits:

      Double (more leads)
      Buying (more qualified leads)
      By week's end (more money fast)
      Other business (credibility and authority)

      Focus on benefits instead of what you have:

      I sell leads
      I have recently
      I understand
      Please call me

      It reeks of desperation.
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve Solem
    Some good copywriting advice here for sure, but before they read your letter the right person has to receive it, and I'm wondering just how you're sending these out to get their attention?

    Assuming you stand to make at least hundreds of dollars from just one good client, at the very least I'd send these letters in an oversized envelope that'll stand out from everything else in their mail pile. I just tested a small mailing to some local realtors - 2 printed pages in a 9 x 12 envelope with real stamps and a handwritten address cost just about a buck to mail and got me a 10% response.

    If you've got more money to invest, send your letter via Priority mail or in a box or mailing tube - anything to stand out from the crowd of junk mail and bills they probably deal with on a regular basis.

    Also consider that these guys are probably letting an assistant deal with their mail so your letter will have to make it past the gatekeeper if you send it to their office. If you can find their home address, it might stand a better chance of being read by the doctor himself if you send it there.

    Cheers,

    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author believemarketing
    Don't take it personally, i am sure everybody here means well... your letter is indeed bad.. I would browse on the web more to find sample attractive and proven sales letter (a good sales letter always intrigues prospects to make a response)
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  • Profile picture of the author easygoingdude
    Okay. I've completely simplified my message. Thank you to everyone. I've sent out about 80 emails, which took me 40 minutes, and have already received 1 reply within 1 hour.

    All I said was that I have phone calls that I can transfer over to them.

    KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid), I should be doing more of that.
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  • Profile picture of the author racso316
    If you still need copy help, pm me your email and we can talk
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