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Sending Cover Letter to local businesses (sales letter)...Please critique

by him77
13 replies
Hi All....I love tesing out new ways to get leads and for some weird reason it's fun to me. I'm sending out this letter tomorrow morning.

[disclaimer: I do cold call and not afraid to do so. Every time I post something like this everyone comes in says "stop being scared to call the business". I work in sales now and I'm really good. I'm at the point in my career where I want to sell and manage my own services. Finding the time to do so for my own business is the issue and why just have one method to get leads? The purpose of this letter is to get appointments to talk more]


I have leads coming in, but I need more to get out of this job I'm in. I have been able to help businesses in many different ways , but something I wanted to try was offering my general IT consulting services. This way I can close them on anything they need instead of trying to sell them one thing here or there to get my foot in the door if that makes sense (like having people cold call for web design when the business would benefit from sms for example..I guess trying to sell them something they don't need as much when you could be selling them something else). I think it also makes it easier for an up sell in the future considering yourself as a consultant. So my general idea is to mail/email my cover letter to businesses to market my "IT consulting" services.

They way I see it is when we contact/call these businesses we are basically applying to be apart of their company. SO why not actually apply in the form of just sending a honest letter of interest in working with them instead of some general letter focusing on a "pain" they may be having. I want to be apart of their growth and grow with them. I feel if that purpose comes out in the letter more people will respond. I will be sending out a few tomorrow morning.


What I'm going to start doing tonight

Here is a letter I found on linke that I really liked. It actually inspired me to do this.


Your Name
Your Address
Your Phone and e-mail address
Date
Dear Friend,


Attached is a copy of my resume.
As you can see, I've got a stable background exclusively in the service industry, successfully taking care of customer needs by making them a priority.

The company I am now working for (a great company, by the way) is having problems because of fallout from the recent economic recession.
And although I am well-qualified to accept a position with another similar firm, to me... I view this as a "hint"... it's time to make a change.

That's why I'm interested in the opportunity to work second shift at XXX XXX.
My employer is aware of my job search. And in light of their situation, they're very supportive of me.

So it'll be a cinch for you to get great references on me, from them... and from anyone else you want to call.

Working second shift gives me more time to spend with my 3 year-old daughter, and the truth is -- nothing makes me happier.
And I don't need to tell you, when someone is happy outside their job, their performance in their job is "that much" better.
I'm looking forward to making XXX XXX an even stronger customer service company than it is today!
Thanks for your time and thanks for reading this letter.
Sincerely,
Your Name


This my version I which is all true because I want to be honest to people.

My Cover Letter:
This may be the only cover letter you receive that will teem with
enough enthusiasm to spill out of your computer screen and on to your desk.
My name is XXX and I recently graduated from grad school a little
bit over a year ago. Unfortunately, I am currently working in a field that
my degree wasn't specialized in and I'm eager to help a business that may
find my qualifications/skill set essential to their growth.

I am hard working, passionate, focused, and looking for a challenge.

Currently, the company I am now working for (a great company, by the way) is having problems because of fallout from the recent economic recession. Good people are losing their jobs and I am doing the one thing any real American would do which is take action! I want to follow my passions which is helping companies grow their businesss in the area of internet/technology.

This is the reason I'm reaching out to you today. I'm not asking for a salary position or anything remotely close to that, but rather a chance to work a long side your business and help with any technology/Internet problems you need solving. For example, I found your company in the yellow pages (...........) and noticed you didn't have a website from what I could tell. This could be costing you customers right now and I provide a very affordable solution to help. My degrees are in marketing, web design, and business technology and I would've been able to have one up and running for you the man for the job if you were interested in having one made. I love technology and helping people in general. I would be honoured to speak with you over the phone to see if we are a good fit for each other. You can reach me right now at ( 1-(000) 000-0000) or resond back to this email if you would like to see a copy of my resume.


Thank You for you time


John Doe

Please let me know what you think and any advice.
#critique #letter #letter or cover #saels #sbplease
  • Profile picture of the author Prashant_W
    I really, really doubt your letter will work. It practically breaks every single rule of copywriting (you're trying to sell your service, so you're obviously writing copy).

    Right from the first line: "... enthusiasm to spill out..."

    I don't mean to sound like an insensitive ass, but this is extremely lame and cheesy. It actually scoffed. And I'm very sure the folks you send this letter out to will laugh as well.

    And then you go on about you, and your job, and your company, and your degree.

    Listen. Nobody wants to hear all that. Why would your prospective business owner care? Do you honestly think they want to know how nice your job is? And how un-specialized your degree is?

    Stop and think for a moment, please. You're trying to sell your services to this business. So you have to cut all the crap and get straight to the point.

    You have to emphasize on one thing: How they will benefit from working with you.

    Seriously dude. This letter is atrocious. It makes you sound desperate.

    Trash this letter and write a new one. You need to focus on how your business adds value to theirs. You can bring up your qualification and experience ONLY if they emphasize on how your business will add value to theirs.

    It's as simple as that.

    Oh... And this just hit me. Your letter makes you sound more like a job seeking prospective employee as opposed to a business owner.
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    • Profile picture of the author him77
      I really do thank you for you responce and I will not trash it. The purpose is to test it to see the reaction I will get from people.



      I'm still sending it out tomorrow to see what happens and will report with the results. I actually used that intro (teem/spilling) in the past when I earned my BA and was looking for a job. I sent cold emails to 19 businesses and got 11 interviews appointments. The first thing every person interviewing me said was they loved the intro so i kept it.


      Your letter makes you sound more like a job seeking prospective employee as opposed to a business owner
      Thats the whole point of the letter. I want to be a part of their business...Be the person they outsource all of their IT needs to such as web design, sms, etc.

      Thanks for the quick responce!


      Originally Posted by Prashant_W View Post

      I really, really doubt your letter will work. It practically breaks every single rule of copywriting (you're trying to sell your service, so you're obviously writing copy).

      Right from the first line: "... enthusiasm to spill out..."

      I don't mean to sound like an insensitive ass, but this is extremely lame and cheesy. It actually scoffed. And I'm very sure the folks you send this letter out to will laugh as well.

      And then you go on about you, and your job, and your company, and your degree.

      Listen. Nobody wants to hear all that. Why would your prospective business owner care? Do you honestly think they want to know how nice your job is? And how un-specialized your degree is?

      Stop and think for a moment, please. You're trying to sell your services to this business. So you have to cut all the crap and get straight to the point.

      You have to emphasize on one thing: How they will benefit from working with you.

      Seriously dude. This letter is atrocious. It makes you sound desperate.

      Trash this letter and write a new one. You need to focus on how your business adds value to theirs. You can bring up your qualification and experience ONLY if they emphasize on how your business will add value to theirs.

      It's as simple as that.

      Oh... And this just hit me. Your letter makes you sound more like a job seeking prospective employee as opposed to a business owner.
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      • Profile picture of the author Prashant_W
        Originally Posted by him77 View Post

        I really do thank you for you responce and I will not trash it. The purpose is to test it to see the reaction I will get from people.
        Seriously... :rolleyes:

        I'm still sending it out tomorrow to see what happens and will report with the results. I actually used that intro (teem/spilling) in the past when I earned my BA and was looking for a job. I sent cold emails to 19 businesses and got 11 interviews appointments. The first thing every person interviewing me said was they loved the intro so i kept it.
        Listen. I hope this works for you. But you're NOT looking for a job. My strong hunch is that the guys who will be reading your letter won't have the same "oh he wants a job, let's hear him out" mentality.


        Thats the whole point of the letter. I want to be a part of their business...Be the person they outsource all of their IT needs to such as web design, sms, etc.
        You've not given 1 good reason why any business owner should work with you.

        Oh well. Whatever. If the letter converts, than good for you.

        Next time just don't make posts to "keep an eye out for reactions" under the pretext of asking for input.
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        • Profile picture of the author him77
          Originally Posted by Prashant_W View Post

          Seriously... :rolleyes:


          You've not given 1 good reason why any business owner should work with you.

          Oh well. Whatever. If the letter converts, than good for you.

          Next time just don't make posts to "keep an eye out for reactions" under the pretext of asking for input.
          I'll take your point into consideration and add some points to make the business owner want to "hire" me. Good point made and I noticed it after looking over my cover letter again your right. ...Also...I don't think ...in general....when someone ask for help you don't automatically tell them to scrap whatever they're working on. I've had dirt thrown on my a lot in life so it doesn't bother me...I keep pushing, but I can only image if it was somone with out that "push" in them. Guess that seperates the strong from the weak....anyway....Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    Completely agree: the impression I'm left with as a reader is you're looking for a job.

    I don't see anything about what you can do for the reader. The "Why" isn't clear at all.

    Chuck and rewrite.
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    • Profile picture of the author him77
      Thanks Jason ,

      I always enjoy your feed back. But this is an experiement to say the least. I want to break out of the mold of the "avg" sales letter. Nothing was discovered by following the norm. I wanted to think outside of the box with this letter.


      The fact that you guys think I'm looking for a job was my exact goal with this.

      I want to experiement with the business owner considering me an "employee" in the sense that I work for them which we all do when we do a project/job for a business. I could care less if they think I'm a business owner as well.


      My goal is to open the door for conversation...that's all I need and I can close from there.


      We'll see what happens.


      Originally Posted by Jason Kanigan View Post

      Completely agree: the impression I'm left with as a reader is you're looking for a job.

      I don't see anything about what you can do for the reader. The "Why" isn't clear at all.

      Chuck and rewrite.
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  • Profile picture of the author Joni D
    I found it to be a little negative, I would remove the part about the economy, and co. having "problems" they don't want to hear that, (everyone knows that) stick to the facts about your skills and what you can do for them, with a positive tone to make your reader smile and say, yeah this is someone with skills that we can use. I totally agree with the other comments, maybe you will get response-- but maybe you will miss out on the best ones..?? I personally would not send that letter either.
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    • Profile picture of the author him77
      Originally Posted by Joni D View Post

      I found it to be a little negative, I would remove the part about the economy, and co. having "problems" they don't want to hear that, (everyone knows that) stick to the facts about your skills and what you can do for them, with a positive tone to make your reader smile and say, yeah this is someone with skills that we can use. I totally agree with the other comments, maybe you will get response-- but maybe you will miss out on the best ones..?? I personally would not send that letter either.

      Will use all of the above. There is something in my gut that's telling me to go ahead with the letter. I really like the points you made as well and I'll do a revision of it tonight.
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  • Profile picture of the author IMShift
    Just came across this thread. While I am by no means an expert copywriter, I know generally what works and what doesn't. I totally agree with the other posters here; your letter is very wishy-washy, negative, with no clarity and it sounds desparate, a total turn-off to any business.

    The reality is businesses do not care about you and why should they? They only care about what you can do for them and if you are qualified to help them, nothing else, period!

    I am guessing if you did sent out the letter you had zero response.

    Search around this forum or Google for a decent letter somone else has used and make it your own.
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  • Profile picture of the author DJL
    You should also fix your spelling errors.
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    None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.
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  • Profile picture of the author wealthgener8
    Mate, i think you may be trying a little too hard to sound too highly educated.. its not coming through.
    My opinion, and only that is to keep it short as an introduction,main paragraph you really emphasis on your strengths, and a conclusion to include things like focus on the positives and what you are good at, keep all political, person reflections or opinions out of it and just be honest with regard to your abilities to act in the position applying for.

    I am sure that what you job is you are good at, but i am affraid to say that letter writing just inst for you. Perhaps go see a resume place that does this for a living, they would sell you to the right people through your letter and that may mean that you require a new one for each different job, depending on the area's. Mate: Best thing you could do for yourself, before any more damage is done to your name, leave the writing to the experts, get some professional help. It doesnt cost much at all! Good luck
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    • Profile picture of the author Tim Bazley
      I take the point that you don't want your copy to look like an average sales letter, but you still need to sell the benefits of what you do to your prospects.

      The letter should be much less about you and much more about how you can help them.

      What can you do for them to help them reach their goals / overcome thier problems?

      Think of all the ways you can help a business with your skills and really hammer home the benefits you can bring them.

      And yes, you can do this in a toned down, 'me to you' way instead of in a 'hypey-salesy' way.
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  • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
    What English Giant said. Nobody cares. Get right to the point. Fire your biggest gun right at the beginning. What can you do for me? What's In it for me? How will you help my business make money/save time/work faster and more efficiently?

    "Fire all your guns at once..." - Steppenwolf
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    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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