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Direct Mail Letter Targeting New Businesses

by Jackie Liu
7 replies
I'm currently targeting local businesses that have recently opened in my local area, and starting to send them the below letter. I address the owner by name, and include their business name and city in the letter.

Salesletter template: removed

The envelope has "Important Information for New Business Owners" printed across the top left corner in Segoe Marker font, with a stamp applied by hand.

I'm still filtering through my list and testing to see what results this could yield.

Please critique my letter, and this method.
#businesses #direct #direct mail #letter #mail #targeting
  • Profile picture of the author SashaLee
    Hi there,

    You might want to put this in the copywriting forum if you want to get an expert critique, but I'll give you my 2 euros:

    "We trust that your new venture is a significant investment, and that you are committed to its success."

    This is waffle. Says nothing. Of course the business owner is committed to making the business a success - he started the ruddy thing didn't he? (or she)

    2nd paragraph - again - rehashed waffle that's already known to anyone.

    Third paragraph, same waffle but ends with wanting to "lend a hand". Might create a bit of interest if you've gotten anyone to read this far.

    Box with some stats - nice - probably should have led with those.

    Limited time offer - good.

    Testimonial - good. Should be on the first page.

    Mockup graphics - generic.

    This letter is a dud. If you send this out, and it doesn't work you'll blame Direct Mail - saying it's a dying method. You'll end up trying to scrape emails hoping to save on stamps.

    You have hit the right idea. Writing to new businesses is a great method to get your name in front of progressive and exciting people. Don't bore them with a letter like this.

    All the best,

    Sasha.




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    • Profile picture of the author DABK
      To add to what Sasha said, you never give them a reason to buy from you (other than the discount). Discounts are good, if they're from companies that deliver what I want.
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  • Profile picture of the author helisell
    It looks like a shool-kid threw it together for a project.

    OK?

    Just write a nice letter explaining who you are, what you can do.

    Make it look like the kind of letter you would send if you were requesting some information from them as a customer. No graphics or distractions as they just make it look like an advert.

    .
    Signature

    Making Calls To Sell Something? What are you actually saying?
    Is there any room for improvement? Want to find out?

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  • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
    Hi Jackie, here are a few thoughts.

    Write this as if you are walking in to meet with the business owner. It's unlikely you would walk in and say, "Attracting a steady stream of customers to the storefront..."

    Maybe something like, "It's a challenge to get people in the door..."

    Rewrite the text to be more conversational.

    At the top you need a headline to stop them in their tracks and pull them in to the copy. What is the single most powerful benefit of your offer?

    I would drop the images of the cash and the graph. Add your own picture instead.

    As SashaLee suggested, request the same review over in the copywriting section and you'll get plenty of good feedback. Good luck.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author mrmatt
    Jackie I am going to agree with everything that has been said so far. This letter is a turd.

    It was way to formal. It is boring. And quite frankly it is confusing.

    What do I mean by confusing? You have the free and then you have the $399. I understand what you are trying to do. But you need to make it very clear that that the mock up is free and if they like the work they can buy it for the $399.

    I would recommend buying some books on copywriting. Or look in the warriors for hire or the WSO section for some copywriters. For about $500 to $750 you can get a pretty good sales letter written for you. And a good sales letter will provide a nice ROI.

    Also check out the WSO section and look for members selling the same service you are. Read their copy, massage it, make it your own and gear it towards biz owners.
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    • Profile picture of the author RimaNaj2011
      Way too many words. No one is reading all that. Make it simple and to the point. I don't even think my letters have full sentences and I usually get a 5% response rate. I don't know if you guys consider that good or not, but 1 out of 20 is better than any other method I've tried.
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      • Profile picture of the author MarkJez
        Hi Jackie,

        Your letter does not follow the AIDA principle.

        A - Attention
        I - Interest
        D - Desire
        A - Action

        I would also strongly recommend a compelling headline, which should catch their attention, and entice them to read more of what you have to offer...

        Something like: Are you a new business owner in *City* ?

        We understand your challenges (as we are also based in *City*) and would like to help you get a steady flow of brand new paying customers and clients with absolutely no risk to you.

        Here are some other companies in "City" whom we have also helped.

        -----------------------------------------------------

        I deliberately used the name of the city several times to instill in the prospect that you are also based in their locality and know the area well. This helps to lift response rates.

        If possible, try to phone up the prospect a day or two after they receive the letter - just to make sure they received it safely - then response rates are likely to go right up.
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