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Please Critique My First Attempt At Writing Sales Copy for PPC [Selling ORM]

by krzysiek
6 replies
Hi everyone,

If you have a couple of minutes, I would appreciate your feedback on my first attempt at writing sales copy.

I want to use this copy on a landing page targeted at business owners via Facebook PPC. It is intended for an audience who currently have no or very little feedback online, as I cannot target those with 'bad' feedback on Facebook with PPC.

So it's not quite as targeted as it would be to, say, send an email or letter out to someone with bad feedback online where I can clearly identify their business information.

With that said, I do probably plan to extend this copy over to email or direct mail as well to test it out.

Here is the link to view what I have so far (PDF):

http://goo.gl/35yhlR
#attempt #copy #critique #orm #ppc #sales #selling #writing
  • Profile picture of the author Matt Lee
    It's not a bad read. Kind of dry but definitely not bad.

    I'd actually start with the statistic as you first line, and then follow with "Imagine......"
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    • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
      It's clunky and doesn't flow well.

      I spent the whole time being told to "imagine..." but not wanting to.

      You didn't paint the picture-

      Imagine how it would impact you business if every happy customer that came through your doors went online and told the world about how great you were.

      Vs.

      Imagine if every customer that came through your doors were so thrilled with their experience that they went home and climbed to their rooftop to shout about how great you were.

      Then you could go on about how even more people could hear them shouting on the web.

      There's no real hook in the copy and you aren't solving a problem as such.

      Bad feedback KILLS business whilst at the same time, good feedback BOOSTS business.

      Start with something along the lines of this.

      Then ask people to imagine a few things.

      And remove the excess words that are unnecessary, such as:

      And on that note
      Can you just
      But did you know

      That should help a bit more.

      Yeaaaah!

      Chris
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      Wealthcopywriter.com :)

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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        To get higher response make the message read like it's meant just for the one reader.

        When calling for action, the easier it is will get more taking it.
        This may mean breaking it down to multi steps.

        For example, ad reads...

        ----------------------------------------------------------------
        Bed Retailer: would you like to read why bed buyers in
        Boise won't buy from you? Click here and the dirt files
        will be confidentially sent to you.
        ----------------------------------------------------------------

        Now the landing page is selling your report on why
        bed buyers won't buy and how to fix it.

        They have to give over their email address so you know where to send it.

        Now you have a target group with juicy bait
        which is easy to get which has low perceived risk in getting it.

        The ad, landing page and report each have one job to do.
        There's no cross focus. Just laser focus on each step
        taking the reader to the next step.

        Best,
        Ewen
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        • Profile picture of the author Rus Sells
          Agreed, I think what you've written so far is way to long for a landing page.

          As Ewen stated, make sure the AD gets the click, make sure the landing page expands on the reason why they clicked the AD, and make sure you quickly and clearly communicate what action you want the visitor to take. Call? Submit email? And of course offer a bribe that can even give them more info on solving their problem via a either a report or even a short course via email series.

          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          To get higher response make the message read like it's meant just for the one reader.

          When calling for action, the easier it is will get more taking it.
          This may mean breaking it down to multi steps.

          For example, ad reads...

          ----------------------------------------------------------------
          Bed Retailer: would you like to read why bed buyers in
          Boise won't buy from you? Click here and the dirt files
          will be confidentially sent to you.
          ----------------------------------------------------------------

          Now the landing page is selling your report on why
          bed buyers won't buy and how to fix it.

          They have to give over their email address so you know where to send it.

          Now you have a target group with juicy bait
          which is easy to get which has low perceived risk in getting it.

          The ad, landing page and report each have one job to do.
          There's no cross focus. Just laser focus on each step
          taking the reader to the next step.

          Best,
          Ewen
          Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    The concept is excellent but you keep repeating the same thing over and over. You've got the reader stopping to think, then imagine (a couple of times) and then to think again and again and it's pretty much the same stuff throughout.

    What you need to do is pull out all the redundancies and make it more succinct. Ask them to think just once. Ask them to imagine just once. Then lay down the call to action. If you cut 2/3 of it out you'd have something powerful because the core concept is excellent. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author krzysiek
      Originally Posted by Matt Lee View Post

      It's not a bad read. Kind of dry but definitely not bad.

      I'd actually start with the statistic as you first line, and then follow with "Imagine......"
      Thanks for that. My girlfriend said the exact same thing (regarding the statistic). I'll see what I can do to change it up! Thank you.

      Originally Posted by Chriswrighto View Post

      It's clunky and doesn't flow well.

      I spent the whole time being told to "imagine..." but not wanting to.

      You didn't paint the picture-

      Imagine how it would impact you business if every happy customer that came through your doors went online and told the world about how great you were.

      Vs.

      Imagine if every customer that came through your doors were so thrilled with their experience that they went home and climbed to their rooftop to shout about how great you were.

      Then you could go on about how even more people could hear them shouting on the web.

      There's no real hook in the copy and you aren't solving a problem as such.

      Bad feedback KILLS business whilst at the same time, good feedback BOOSTS business.

      Start with something along the lines of this.

      Then ask people to imagine a few things.

      And remove the excess words that are unnecessary, such as:

      And on that note
      Can you just
      But did you know

      That should help a bit more.

      Yeaaaah!

      Chris
      Thanks very much for your input Chris. I like the idea about focusing on good feedback boosting business - starting with something like that. I appreciate your feedback!! Thank you.

      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      To get higher response make the message read like it's meant just for the one reader.

      When calling for action, the easier it is will get more taking it.
      This may mean breaking it down to multi steps.

      For example, ad reads...

      ----------------------------------------------------------------
      Bed Retailer: would you like to read why bed buyers in
      Boise won't buy from you? Click here and the dirt files
      will be confidentially sent to you.
      ----------------------------------------------------------------

      Now the landing page is selling your report on why
      bed buyers won't buy and how to fix it.

      They have to give over their email address so you know where to send it.

      Now you have a target group with juicy bait
      which is easy to get which has low perceived risk in getting it.

      The ad, landing page and report each have one job to do.
      There's no cross focus. Just laser focus on each step
      taking the reader to the next step.

      Best,
      Ewen
      Hi Ewen, hope you're doing well. Thank you for this. It got me to stop for a moment and think about the function or purpose of each element - the ad, lander and report. I think I'll cut down the copy a ton and focus more on the email opt in for the lead.

      Originally Posted by Rus Sells View Post

      Agreed, I think what you've written so far is way to long for a landing page.

      As Ewen stated, make sure the AD gets the click, make sure the landing page expands on the reason why they clicked the AD, and make sure you quickly and clearly communicate what action you want the visitor to take. Call? Submit email? And of course offer a bribe that can even give them more info on solving their problem via a either a report or even a short course via email series.
      Thank you for that and for reconfirming what Ewen said, I do think it is the proper way to approach this. Not to say long landers won't work (gotta test!) but I do think for starters this approach would be a lot easier for me to do. Thank you for your time!

      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      The concept is excellent but you keep repeating the same thing over and over. You've got the reader stopping to think, then imagine (a couple of times) and then to think again and again and it's pretty much the same stuff throughout.

      What you need to do is pull out all the redundancies and make it more succinct. Ask them to think just once. Ask them to imagine just once. Then lay down the call to action. If you cut 2/3 of it out you'd have something powerful because the core concept is excellent. Good luck.
      Thanks so much for your feedback. I agree with you that I should cut it down. It makes sense. I will see what I can do to trim it right down. Great to hear you think the core concept has something to it.


      Thank you all once again for your time in helping out. I'll post back with an update shortly to see if I've made some improvement!
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