SEO's

Keep in mind I am new to Internet marketing but very savy on the Internet itself. A couple of questions on Google or Yahoo or any any search engine. I am no Internet engineer but how does Google or Bing or Yahoo spider a website and knows that the site fits the search some one has entered. I another words you search for golf clubs. What parameters do the search engines look for and I assume everything is by computer and no humans are involved to agree or disagree the site meets the criteria. Now the optimizers u see for sell how would they know what google's settings are that they use for spidering sites? Also do Google programmers change the settings each month to throw off the Optimizer that thinks they have it figured out. It seems to me the people who sell SEO's would have to have an insider with Google to know how to set up their program to match Google each week or month. Any how I know that is to deep of a question for Sat. but 2 more.
1. What is a good optimizer to buy to keep your site on page one?
2. What is a good Article submitter to buy and how often should you submit?
3. Is their a Automatic blogger software That I can buy that is on auto pilot?
4. I mainly sell Affiliate items and have not found a decent cloaker that does not come out with some weird URL.
5. Any Forum autopilot software out there that is any good?
I advertised for someone to do SEO work for me and most have quoted $ 200 to $ 400 per month. If I paid that I would go broke pretty quick. I am not trying to get rich and just would like some kind of income and enjoy doing IM.

I have been laid off from a Company that I worked for years and it has been about 2 years now with nothing in sight. I am 55 and fortunate I did put some money away and My wife still works selling Insurance including the wacko duck Aflac. What I am trying to say I have worked all my life and do not mind sitting at the computer all day marketing my affiliates because I am used to hard work had but probably will have to retire from Construction now because the construction biz is dead for 4 or 5 more years in my opinion.
Any help with the questions I ask will be appreciated.