"Gurenteed" 1st place rankings ! Top of the search engines !

Yes thats right ladies and gentlemen today im feeling fruity and going to offer the worlds best Search engine "manipulation" services . This is what im going to do for 20,000 great British queens English ( god save her ) pounds i will offer the following :

1. 4 million profile backlinks , these are amazing "trust me i have competitively ranked for competitive keywords with this method alone !:rolleyes: Keywords such as "kick me in the teeth before i die a slow painful death" HUGE COMPETITION.

2. I will do a 23 million xrumer blast spamming millions of forums with signature links and random posts that are unrelated and make no sense what so ever, this is a TRUE gem when it comes to ranking in the search engines, Not only will people look at your signature thinking "what a tool" they will also most likely be submitted to "stopforumspam" and akismet spam database as an added bonus. These alone ranked me for "Im scamming people and truly believe im doing the right thing for them"

3. I will spam every blog with in a 500,000 mile radius with more spammy crap which 99% of the comments will probably never see the light of day making it a complete waste which i could have been spending it doing something more productive, like picking the dirt from my toe nails.

4. Directory submissions , Yes thats right in this deal there is also directory submissions but to not the well researched aged directories which are probably the only ones in existence that are actually worth it , Ill be submitting your site to the thousands that were created yesterday and will probably gone tomorrow.

5. This is the grant finally, I will get my friend of a friend of a friend of a friend to speak to his friend who knows someone that works for google and bing ( he's moon lighting ) to help your website.

Im a professional and have rankings to prove it...............honest

So who wants my service ? Ill make only 4 million places available for this service so quick , get it while you can.

If you can think of any other service which i can add to this to make it better feel free to continue the thread