They have knobs on the end so women can hold them in their mouths, especially if they have no teeth

[Metronicity]

Gary Halbert, the Copywriting King of Direct Response advertising, once said "When it comes to writing, people don't have time for your pathetic subtleties". In other words, don't piss about - just tell it how it is. Halbert also said "being on target is much more important than being facile with words".

"They have knobs on the end so women can hold them in their mouths,
especially if they have no teeth."

That is a line straight out of an old-school 1940s Sales Bible called "Tested Sentences that Sell - the secrets of America's greatest salesman Elmer Wheeler" - the guy who's famous for the line "Sell the sizzle not the steak". The premise of this book is that "single sentences can be so constructed as to make a majority of people buy".

Several years ago manufacturers began to distribute square clothespins, instead of their famous round ones. Like most people I became curious and went into the first small store I came upon and asked the clerk what the difference was between the square and the round clothespins.
“Three cents a dozen difference!” said the salesgirl, snapping her gum in my face.
I asked the buyer in the little store and his answer was no better:
“I sell so many gross of clothespins a week, and this time they happened to come in square — why I don’t know! But I do know I’ll get stuck with them — for what woman will spend three cents extra a dozen for square ones!”

MANY REASONS FOR BEING SQUARE

I went to the home office of this chain of small stores, and I was told by the merchandising division that these are the “sizzles” in a square clothespin:
1. They won’t slip out of wet hands so easily.
2. You can hold more in your wet hands.
3. They are polished and won’t tear delicate garments.
4. They won’t split on clotheslines.
5. They have knobs on the end so women can hold them in their mouths, especially if they have no teeth.

Everything about these square clothespins was scientific — except what the salesperson said to the customers. While I was hearing these “sizzles,” I accidentally dropped a clothespin on the floor, and a thought came to mind. I visualized a woman hanging up clothes. She has an armful of wash, clothespins in her wet hands and in her mouth as she starts across the kitchen floor. Suddenly a clothespin falls to the floor. Being round, it
rolls under the stove. Like little dogs, clothespins love nothing better than to get under a stove and just lie there. It may roll elsewhere. The woman fails to see it, and a few moments later she backs into it. Down goes the wash and the woman — and in comes the insurance adjuster!
Perhaps women would buy the square clothespins, I thought, if we told them this simple “sizzle”: A square clothespin won’t roll when it hits the floor; if a woman drops one, she has only to bend down, pick it up, and go merrily on with her work. She would know at all times where the square clothespins were and would not trip up on them.
THE IDEA “CLICKS” WITH WOMEN
Taking this idea into our laboratory for polishing and smoothing, and then for tests behind the counters, we packed this selling point into a two-second “Tested Selling Sentence,” and instructed salespeople to say, when women wanted to know why they were square: “They won’t roll!”

Incredible isn't it? To think that it was common for women to have no teeth back then.

People often ask me how I come up with the ideas for my sales copy. Truth is, I don't know really. I absorb a lot of stuff - I'm interested in all sorts of stuff and I guess I just draw on that. One thing's for sure - I don't rely on any tired old copywriting formulas. In fact its a pet peeve of mine when I keep coming across the same hackneyed headlines and recycled lines. You know the stuff - "Who else wants..." is top of the list (although I must confess I used that for the very first time in a recent WSO - "Who Else Wants a Frontal Lobotomy?")

Some writers still go by the old A.I.D.A. formula -

Attention, Interest, Desire and Action. This formula has been used by direct mail copywriters since the year dot. And I guess I got your attention with that cheeky WSO title didn't I? But having got your attention I now need to hold your interest. And believe me most people have low attention spans. Especially on the net. They need everything served up in bite-sized chunks. They don't want to trawl through paragraphs and paragraphs of copy. They just scan most of it until they get to the "Good Bit" - the bit that influences them into making the decision to buy. That's the Desire bit - they want what you've got. The action is easy - show them how and where to get it. Whack the Belcher button in their face.

So yeah. I don't write by any rules. I just tell people what I've got. Why their lives will be so much better if they have one and where to buy the thing. As I keep saying, the copy has to resonate - it's got to ring the customers bells. You've got to have the reader almost salivating and going

Yeah- that's what I want! Give it to me baby uh-huh-uh-huh!

Coming back to Elmer. How's this one -

In 1947, Elmer Wheeler was one of the best-known salesmen of his time. His "Wheeler Institute of Words" developed a "best practices" of selling, by testing a variety of words in over 19 million selling situations.


Here's one of his sales tricks or tweaks -


You go into a restaurant and order a drink. What does your server usually ask you, right after you place your order? They usually say "Small or large?", right?
Well, imagine for a moment...you're the owner of this restaurant.
Do you have any idea how much your sales would increase over time, if... instead of saying "Small or large?" after your customers ordered their drinks ... you told your servers to instead say...
“Large one?”


Elmer Wheeler tested this experiment out in five-thousand separate selling situations.

And the results showed, when the server asked "Large one?"...7 out of every 10 people, answered “Yes!”

There's a lesson there isn't there? So what am I selling here? My copywriting services. My maverick coming-from-left-field crazy-assed copywriting. Now I'm just gonna segué (segway) into my last WSO. 'cause its late, I'm tired, I'm a lazy bastard and I quite like this "Will it Blend" Concept. But maybe at the end of the pitch I'll be asking you "Large One?".

Your product and my copy - will it blend? That is the question.

YouTube - Will it Blend

Do you have a great product but you're having trouble promoting it? Do you hate copywriting? Yeah...I know what you mean. I hate it when it doesn't work. But when it does - it's a beautiful thing - when the commission checks or PayPal deposits start rolling in to my clients accounts. There's nothing like making money to put a smile on your dial all day long.

Have you been struggling to write your own sales copy? It's hard isn't it? Not all it's cracked up to be. I've been doing this stuff for years and even I find it difficult. But maybe I shouldn't be saying that. Maybe I should just be saying -

"Give me your tired, your poor old copy, your huddled words yearning to breath free"

Yeah, hit me up with your copy. I'll knock it into shape for you. It's probably easier for both of us if you have a crack at it first and then let me give it a tune-up. It's cheaper that way too. This WSO is only $97 for a rewrite. That is - you need to have written something that I can go on. If I need to start from scratch I'll be charging you a lot more than $97. In fact it'll be a Large One.

If you want to see what I can do, have a look at this recent rewrite I did for Dennis Cheesman

He's currently running it as a WSO. Last time I looked I noticed he'd sold 44 monthly memberships at $15. 44 x $15=$660. Not a bad few days work. And that's not including upsells on the backend and continuing monthly payments. He's selling only 100 memberships at $15 in the WSO. So if he sells out he will have taken $1500 for the first month. If the Warriors hang in there for six months at least - which is highly likely from the quality of his product and service - he'll gross $9,000 from the WSO. At least. Add to that what he'll make from the mainstream site at $47 a month per membership. Yes he got the whole page rewritten from his original copy for

just $97

I also came up with the concept and graphics for the Hillbilly Hick Cousins as part of the deal. Not a bad deal huh? Converting copy and a whacked-out concept for less than a hundred bucks. Whadya reckon an Advertising Agency or a Graphic Design Studio would charge for that eh?

If you've been following the threads on the Copywriting section you'll see that a lot of the old hands here seem to think you can't get good copy for less than a thousand bucks or more. Really? Have a read of these testimonials from my last WSO when I was charging $200 - even for rewrites. Are they happy campers or what?

I was fortunate to get in fairly early on one of Mal's copywriting WSOs.

I threw over a half-finished copy of my product, and a vague outline of what I wanted.

Mal did the rest...ahead of schedule...and it's FANTASTIC!

What separates Mal from other copywriters I've used before is that he has a healthy disregard for conventional copywriting 'wisdom'...you won't find any formulaic BS in his work.

He writes for the READER. He has a wonderful, conversational style, which effortlessly pulls the reader from first word to last - in an off-the-cuff, soft sell kind of way.

I'm fully expecting Mal's copy to convert like crazy in my niche.

Here's the deal - before you break the rules, you gotta know the rules. It's plain obvious that Mal knows what he's doing.

At $300 this would be a steal.

At $200...well, it's just too good to pass over.

Get on it before he starts charging his true worth, Warriors.

Oh...you may have noticed that Mal comes across in a no-nonsense...almost abrasive manner.

Pay no attention...he cares deeply about his reputation, and will do his utmost to help you out.

I know this for a fact.

Jump on this WSO. Now.

Steve Fullman

Mal just finished up a landing page for me. I hate writing copy but can sure tell when a page is doing its job. His pages are très sexy.

He figured out how to talk to my target market and made my copy compelling. He asked great questions to understand my product, my market and offered some advice that really got me to thinking and approach my product from a different angle.

Mal can be a bit "colorful" at times. So if you are super sensitive or super whiny, he may not be your guy.

If you want some kick-ass copy and good customer service without a bunch of bs - hire Mal.

Melody

OK Just went through it in detail. Bottom line – Fantastic Work!

I really appreciate the hard work and you nailed it pal!

If you have any adjustments or tweaks, let me know, but all in all, I am ecstatic with it.

Have a great evening and have a beer (a real beer that is, none of that french crap) and toast yourself on a great job.

All the best,
Sean Donahue (Video Marketing and YouTube Marketing with Video Assassin)

I contacted Metronicity to give me a couple of tips regarding my WSO sales letter and headline and he took the time to tell me that my headline sucks big time.

He gave me a couple of tips, which I implemented, and my Conversion Rate jumped through the roof!
He's the real deal, or like we say here, he's 'The ****'.

He brings some fresh wind and he has mad skills. You should take advantage of his services as they're still ridiculously cheap.

Cheers,
mario (yellowboy)

How Much Again?

Last couple of WSOs I've been writing landing page copy for $97. But at that price I was overwhelmed by the amount of work. The re-writes were ok - it was the copy I had to write from scratch that took up the time and damn near burnt me out. I don't want to go down that road again. Too much stress. So this time I'm going to charge $97 if its just a re-write. If you want me to start from scratch it's going to cost you at least twice that - $194. But that's still ridiculously cheap. Especially when you consider how much loot you're going to be making off my words. So don't think of it as an expense. Think of it as an investment. Or

a License to Print Money.

To lock this in you need to PayPal me the full amount before I start. You can PM me with links and questions before you commit. But I wouldn't muck around. It's first in/best dressed. I've cleared my slate to just write WSO copy this week and next. And keep in mind that my normal book rate for a page of copy is $400.

This is hard copy. Copy that sells. Copy that converts. Copy that compels people to buy your **** and makes you money – a lot of money in many cases. Remember the old Rolls-Royce ad?

"Quality is remembered long after price is forgotten"

If it’s cheap copy you’re after, there’s guys here that will bash something out for forty bucks or so. But I’ll tell you right now, it’s not much chop. Some of them even offer testimonials from well-known gurus they’ve supposedly worked for. Some of them tell you they’ve written several books. Or parts of several best-selling books. Some of them give you a video appraisal of your goddamn site. Others want to sign you up to a copy membership club. Some of them probably chuck in a set of steak-knives for all I know and care.

Go across to the Copywriting section and see what the other writers are charging. Some of them don't get out of bed for less than 5 large. And do you reckon they're a Ferrari to my Fiat? I think not.

You know, I toyed with calling this WSO -

"Is Crap Copy Killing Your Sales?"

Because that’s what sh*tty copy will do – it turns people off and they don’t buy. What you want is copy that engages your reader – that resonates with them. Copy that sounds plausible or believable with them. Copy that rings their bells. And they reach for their credit card.


A report I read recently said -

"Readers are wary of over-the-top claims, bogus testimonials, false One-Time-Offers, flowery language and marketese talk."

You better believe it, Pilgrim. Readers want you to tell them straight – to cut the crap and cut to the chase. Tell ‘em what you’ve got, tell ‘em why their lives will be so much better if they buy your ****, tell ‘em how to get it and tell ‘em the price. End of story. The rest is just flavouring.

So in that vein - Hot copy, converts like crazy, $97 a rewrite.

"Malkie's Hot WSO Copy"

Now for some light relief. When I ran the WSO before, some people expected quite a bit for their hundred smackers. One guy even expected me to change his design - not just suggest changes - actually go in to his code and have a fiddle. He was most upset when I pointed out I was just the writer and he'd need to get himself a designer. Here's part of his email -

Well, wait, what will you actually do? What do you mean you'll just write the copy?

Are you going to send me a .doc file with paragraphs of text and that's it? You're not going to touch up the actual html file?

You said I was going to "cream my pants" for what you would do. I assumed you were going to work on the actual .html file itself and make it 250% better.

Yes...I just write the copy. Pretty important part of the process. I don't design and I don't code. I can do a little of both but its not my area of expertise. I write copy - words that motivate people to buy. Thats what I do. Thats what I've been doing for more years than I care to remember. I'm rather good at it. Oh yeah...so then this cat replies...

If you're simply going to type some content into a MS Word DOC and email it to me, I'm not interested in the service.

You wrote me an excellent presentation on what needed to be changed. OK, I was impressed and I thought you were going to make those changes to the current index.html page.

Now based on your below comments, it's like you're going to make me no more than an article and I have to figure out on my own where to place things on the page?

There goes a brilliant mind. And someone who doesn't know the difference between an article writer and a copywriter. Poor bastard.

cheers, Malcolm.

p.s. Know what Frank Kern says? "My advice is to work for a very small fee up front and merely collect a percentage of what is sold".

I think that's where I'm heading. This could be your last chance to get hot copy at a low rate.

Here's one more testimonial. I actually gave this guy his money back as I thought what he was writing himself was pretty good - not grammatically correct but it "resonated" and I didn't think I could improve on it.

Malcolm,
I don't think i have EVER met anyone quite like you since I've been doing this internet lark...you're a REAL star. I sat back, looked at your copy and thought ok...its not bad...and i was about to email you back asking if you could have another go.

That was my fault for not giving you enough information...i find it hard to explain things see, simply because i expect everyone to know what I'm on about!

From what i have heard of you, and the fact you replied to me first offering another shot at it, and coming up with something that i didn't think of is well, true loyalty!

Guys, if you need a squeeze page doing, a salesletter...Any sort of copywriting, Malcolm is the guy. His out take on things is down to earth. YES, maybe he may get on your nerves...YES he may be a bit mad in his methodology, YES he can be very demanding, but tell him EXACTLY what you want, and he'll deliver.

Keep up the great work Malcolm you crazy Aussie!
Digitips

[bobsilber]

Watching the video alone is worth a hundred bucks. Couldn't stop laughing. Let me order a bunch of these. It will be worth it just to see what you do with it.

[Metronicity]

Originally Posted by bobsilber

Watching the video alone is worth a hundred bucks. Couldn't stop laughing. Let me order a bunch of these. It will be worth it just to see what you do with it.

Bloody awful isn't it? But I did nail it in one take. If I were making you one it would be much more professional-looking.

[Metronicity]

@ Bob Silber, mate...got your $291...thanks...now I'm gonna do a runner.

[bobsilber]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

@ Bob Silber, mate...got your $291...thanks...now I'm gonna do a runner.

I won't ask what a runner is, lol.

[Mubarak Waseem]

haha! Great Video Mal! Loking forward to ma hot 'sizzlin' 'it's the ****' copy.

As long as it ain't literally ****!

Mubarak

[abundantliving]

Just watched your video... one minute... gotta change my pants I laughed so hard!

Just trying to figure out how to blend your writing style with my niche mate.
:-)

[Metronicity]

Originally Posted by abundantliving

Just watched your video... one minute... gotta change my pants I laughed so hard!

Just trying to figure out how to blend your writing style with my niche mate.
:-)

I see from your profile you're a money-loving Internet Marketing babe from the Shady Side.

[Metronicity]

Originally Posted by Mubarak Waseem

haha! Great Video Mal! Loking forward to ma hot 'sizzlin' 'it's the ****' copy.

As long as it ain't literally ****!

Mubarak

I'm on it. Gotta tell you I'm loving your graphics. They really are the sh*t.

YouTube - Greetings from Gay Paree

[Mubarak Waseem]

Actually, I am on a PC lol!

But I looking for a mac atm, but for the specs I want, a mac pro would end up begin around $20K :O

Mubarak

PS - sent you a pm about the copy

[herrick]

hey Malcome there wasn't a link for the option of paying for new copy So i just paid paypal two timesI will email you the details. Looking forward to working with you

[Metronicity]

Originally Posted by herrick

hey Malcome there wasn't a link for the option of paying for new copy So i just paid paypal two timesI will email you the details. Looking forward to working with you

Yeah...I had it on the last one but for some reason I didn't bother with this. Got your dough. Might go to the casino with it. Odds or evens?

[Steven Fullman]

Mal,

Your video. Feckin' genius, mate.

Bing bing bing bing bing bing bing bing. Cut.


Others,

Buy this man's nous (pronounced nowce...).

And buy it now.

Steve

[herrick]

malcome let it ride on the crap table. Did you get the logo?

[Metronicity]

Originally Posted by herrick

malcome let it ride on the crap table. Did you get the logo?

Got the bastard. What do you want me to do with it?

[DigiTips]

Funny video Malcolm...you're mad...how's this for stand up though mate:

YouTube - Wally World - The Home Of Great Web...

Use it if you want, it's all yours...hahaha

[Metronicity]

Originally Posted by DigiTips

Funny video Malcolm...your mad...how's this for stand up though mate:

YouTube - Wally World - The Home Of Great Web Copy!

Use it if you want, it's all yours...hahaha

Right...I'm putting your cojones through the blender next.

[Mubarak Waseem]

hahaha - LOVE the video. Malky, I think I saw you in that last slide wearing a different wig...

[Metronicity]

Originally Posted by Mubarak Waseem

hahaha - LOVE the video. Malky, I think I saw you in that last slide wearing a different wig...

Right...you're going in the blender too smartarse.

[Mubarak Waseem]

"My copy, his cajones, that British kid and your product. Will it blend?"

Definately has a ring to it!

[Metronicity]

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

[Mubarak Waseem]

...


:|

[DigiTips]

Damn..i was going to use something like that on my next WSO..hi-de-hi campers...i might use this one instead:

If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got, I suggest you get one of my video's....Quick!

hehe

[herrick]

if you think your rude come to New York. You ante nothin. man

[Metronicity]

Hey Sad Sack! Not making any money online yet? No worries - we all had to start somewhere. As we say Downunder - "It's a bit of a bugger" at times. You just gotta keep the faith and hang in there. I posted this video elsewhere on the Forum but I thought if you were having a bad day you might appreciate it. Pure Aussie humour.

YouTube - Toyota Commercial "bugger"

[DigiTips]

lol..that is so bladdy funny...BUT, they make funnier commercials in new york man...you aint seen nothin...man

[herrick]

hey Malcolm you must be full. Because paypal isn't working only 1.00 shows up to pay.

[Metronicity]

Originally Posted by herrick

hey Malcolm you must be full. Because paypal isn't working only 1.00 shows up to pay.

Huh? All you do is enter an amount in the box. Like this - $1,000,000. Works for me. Just tested it. No worries.

[Mubarak Waseem]

Bugger *Bugger-Woof*...

[Mal Keenan]

I don't know about Mal being rude but he's definitely honest

I'm delighted with the copy he's done for me. It's refreshing to have someone write something that doesn't follow the same tired old IM sales talk.

The proof of course will be in the testing which I am currently carrying out on his work.

He was also a pleasure to work with and give me a lot to think about. At $97 his service is a steal.

[Metronicity]

Been a long day. Writing half a dozen different spots as well as running my own campaigns. But I was inspired today writing a sales page for Bob Silber (see the first comment). So it was rather nice when he just sent me this email -

Mal,

You have a gift my friend, a special talent. Damn good stuff.
I love it.

Regards,
Bob

YouTube - Gary Halbert

[bobsilber]

Mal's work was exceptional, and beyond my wildest expectations. His price is just plain crazy cheap. If you need some fire in your sales copy and offer, you would have to be mad as a hatter to pass on this arsonist's offer. Brilliant stuff. I'm glad I gobbled a bunch of them up. Money well spent. If I didn't know better I would think it was he, that Nero played the fiddle for while Rome burned.

Mal has a certain je ne sais quoi in his copywriting, that captures the reader's imagination, as all things must that involve quantities of beer, Paris and crazy Aussies, that have fled their homeland, for who knows what reasons.

[Metronicity]

Originally Posted by bobsilber

Mal's work was exceptional, and beyond my wildest expectations. His price is just plain crazy cheap. If you need some fire in your sales copy and offer, you would have to be mad as a hatter to pass on this arsonist's offer. Brilliant stuff. I'm glad I gobbled a bunch of them up. Money well spent. If I didn't know better I would think it was he, that Nero played the fiddle for while Rome burned.

Mal has a certain je ne sais quoi in his copywriting, that captures the reader's imagination, as all things must that involve quantities of beer, Paris and crazy Aussies, that have fled their homeland, for who knows what reasons.

Mate, I know you're a lawyer but that last bit is straight out defamation of character. A writ is on its way. Hope you've got a few bob, Bob.

BTW I'm well aware the price is "just plain crazy cheap". It's unsustainable and this offer won't last much longer.

And another BTW - you forgot to link to your WSO for the fantastic Gary Halbert LOST DVD that you're selling at an outrageous price - plain crazy cheap really. From the guy that coined, amongst other one-line gems, "The Internet is like the Yellow Pages on steroids".

[bobsilber]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Mate, I know you're a lawyer but that last bit is straight out defamation of character. A writ is on its way. Hope you've got a few bob, Bob.

Originally Posted by bobsilber

Mal has a certain je ne sais quoi in his copywriting, that captures the reader's imagination, as all things must that involve quantities of beer, Paris and crazy Aussies, that have fled their homeland, for who knows what reasons.

Hmmm, let's see ... Here in the U.S. truth is a defense to defamation...

Drinking beer in video = check
Lives in Paris = check
Aussie = check
Left the homeland = check
Crazy = Your Honor, I submit the videos in this thread as Defendant's Exhibit One. The Defense rests.

[Metronicity]

Originally Posted by bobsilber

Hmmm, let's see ... Here in the U.S. truth is a defense to defamation...

Drinking beer in video = check
Lives in Paris = check
Aussie = check
Left the homeland = check
Crazy = Your Honor, I submit the videos in this thread as Defendant's Exhibit One. The Defense rests.

That may be so your Honour...but note the additional words that my learned friend has conveniently omitted - "for who knows what reasons." I respectfully suggest that is a slur on my client's good character.

[Mubarak Waseem]

Hey Malkie - Howe are we going with the graphics for that site? Murder your money, right?