The Birth of Internet Marketing
Posted 7th September 2008 at 04:46 PM by Killer Joe
The Birth of Internet Marketing
A lot of mystery has surrounded the actual events that led up to this phenom.
A few historians attribute the rise of Internet Marketing to Stanley Boyshole but most of them don't. In fact, Boyshole, who went by the name Darleen to those who knew him, barely could read or write in the beginning. It wasn't until he entered the first grade that he even began to use the alphabet.
This was quite a relief to his parents, who were completely illiterate, as now someone in the family could sign the welfare checks that had been piling up for some time. Kinda like those first few sales on ClickBank. So it was no surprise to anyone when Stanley would proclaim that someday he would become the King of the Internet.
Actually, it was a surprise to most people as the year was 1970 and the internet wasn't even around. But that didn't stop Stanley. In fact, by the time Stanley Boyshole realized that the mere act of signing a piece of paper brought money in, there was no stopping him.
If anything, he could see the possibility that he would no longer need to follow in his fathers footsteps. Not that the job of cleaning up after the elephants when the circus came to town was going away, they still fed the elephants, no, it was the fact stepping in elephant dung no longer bothered him. Hence, stepping in his fathers footprints became unnecessary. He would simply walk where he wanted and clean up later. Money changes everything.
As time went by Stanley would spend his days pondering ways to get more of those magical pieces of paper he could sign that brought in all the money. It was almost an addiction. He would boast "I will sign so many checks that I will have the worst case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the county" to anyone that would listen.
But since CTS hadn't been invented at that point in time, nobody listened. They just couldn't understand why any boy his age would walk around with the smell of elephant dung on his feet yelling like that. But all that would soon change.
Fast forward a few years and picture Stanley as a young man. A man who had a thirst for money. A man who had a thirst for signing checks. A man who had seven years left on a prison sentence for forgery and embezzlement. A man his cell mates called Darleen. And yes, a man who in the future would figure out a way to get his money by direct deposit.
And so the seed for internet marketing was planted. You can call it fate, you can call it destiny, you can call it an inevitable string of events brought on by an undeniable pulling of cosmic forces that nothing in the universe could derail. Yes, call it what you will. I'm gonna call it fantasy, but you can continue with your delusions. I won't stop you. In fact, it helps this story like you wouldn't believe.
So fast forward again to the year 1993. The computers of that era were slow and clumsy, but some fella named Al Gore had funded what was to become the Mosaic browser. It wasn't his money, but he spent it anyway. It was the age before high speed internet. A time when only the most ardent techno-dreamers had the foresight to techno-dream.
As the internet grew it became obvious that unless more people joined the net it would remain a desolate outpost populated by a bunch of geeks whose only passion was staying away from mainstream society and writing code only other geeks could appreciate. It was a lot like the lunchroom at Microsoft. But all of that was about to change...
Enter Stanley Boyshole. Now, Stanley, or Darleen as he preferred to be called at that point, was a natural born salesman. His younger brother was delivered by C-Section, but Stanley came out the good old fashion way. And when it came to sales ability he was a regular Chuck Norris. Without the help of Christy Brinkley, though.
Stanley had a burning fire within him. A trait all great salesman have. Unfortunately Stanley's fire was something he picked up during his Darleen days at Camp Fed and it didn't help him sell one darn bit. But it was a burning fire nonetheless, so he had that going for him. At least until the medication kicked in.
Anyway, the one ingredient that was needed for the internet to take off and become what we know it as today was somebody tirelessly selling the idea to the masses. It needed to be wrestled from the clutches of the geeks and unleashed on the public as a whole. Stanley fancied himself as the person for the job. He actually fancied himself as the man for job, but the Darleen in him wanted equal billing.
So day after day, night after night, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade...wait a minute... I'm getting ahead of the story here. Let's back up a bit...
As I alluded to, the Democrats sponsored the High Performance Computing and Communication Act of 1991 and by 1993 people finally had a way to locate porn on the internet. Yes, that's right. I said it. I said that dreaded word that conjures up visions of nastiness, unseemly behavior, unspeakable acts against human nature, and even worse. But for a lot of people the word Republican fosters the same gut wrenching uneasiness that the word Democrat does, so lighten up.
And herein lies the catalyst for explosive growth for the internet. Now all that was needed was some over-the-top marketing to get the internet launched on a massive scale. Remember, this was before Jeff Walker arrived on the scene. And guess who stepped forward to provide such marketing? Yup, it was non other than our reluctant hero Mr. Stanley Boyshole himself.
His innovative and unique methods for marketing the internet became the stuff of legend. He was the Darwin of downloads. The Sam Walton of websites. The Ron Popiel of pixels.
But alas, he became so prolific in his underhanded and somewhat devious internet marketing skills that the industry soon had to distance itself from Stanley. The fear was that the stigma of having a person with Stanley's dubious background become the guru for an entire new industry would compromise its' potential for media dominance. Like that could happen.
As a matter of fact, it got so bad the term "internet marketing" was changed from its' original meaning of "marketing the internet", to mean "marketing on the internet". Additionally, so many behind the scenes players were referring to Stanley's tactics as a "web of deceit" that the term "world wide web" was coined as a cover-up. I'm not making this up. I read it somewhere. Perhaps it was right here in this story.
So the next time you hear rumblings about unscrupulous internet marketers and stories of fabulous wealth being generated by a few mischievous marketing mavens, you can thank Stanley Boyshole for starting us all off on the wrong foot. It's no wonder so much of the crap out there stinks like elephant dung. It's part of our heritage.
KJ
[DISCLAIMER: Non of the above reference material should be used as a thesis, especially if you are going for a Masters or a PHD in internet marketing]
A lot of mystery has surrounded the actual events that led up to this phenom.
A few historians attribute the rise of Internet Marketing to Stanley Boyshole but most of them don't. In fact, Boyshole, who went by the name Darleen to those who knew him, barely could read or write in the beginning. It wasn't until he entered the first grade that he even began to use the alphabet.
This was quite a relief to his parents, who were completely illiterate, as now someone in the family could sign the welfare checks that had been piling up for some time. Kinda like those first few sales on ClickBank. So it was no surprise to anyone when Stanley would proclaim that someday he would become the King of the Internet.
Actually, it was a surprise to most people as the year was 1970 and the internet wasn't even around. But that didn't stop Stanley. In fact, by the time Stanley Boyshole realized that the mere act of signing a piece of paper brought money in, there was no stopping him.
If anything, he could see the possibility that he would no longer need to follow in his fathers footsteps. Not that the job of cleaning up after the elephants when the circus came to town was going away, they still fed the elephants, no, it was the fact stepping in elephant dung no longer bothered him. Hence, stepping in his fathers footprints became unnecessary. He would simply walk where he wanted and clean up later. Money changes everything.
As time went by Stanley would spend his days pondering ways to get more of those magical pieces of paper he could sign that brought in all the money. It was almost an addiction. He would boast "I will sign so many checks that I will have the worst case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the county" to anyone that would listen.
But since CTS hadn't been invented at that point in time, nobody listened. They just couldn't understand why any boy his age would walk around with the smell of elephant dung on his feet yelling like that. But all that would soon change.
Fast forward a few years and picture Stanley as a young man. A man who had a thirst for money. A man who had a thirst for signing checks. A man who had seven years left on a prison sentence for forgery and embezzlement. A man his cell mates called Darleen. And yes, a man who in the future would figure out a way to get his money by direct deposit.
And so the seed for internet marketing was planted. You can call it fate, you can call it destiny, you can call it an inevitable string of events brought on by an undeniable pulling of cosmic forces that nothing in the universe could derail. Yes, call it what you will. I'm gonna call it fantasy, but you can continue with your delusions. I won't stop you. In fact, it helps this story like you wouldn't believe.
So fast forward again to the year 1993. The computers of that era were slow and clumsy, but some fella named Al Gore had funded what was to become the Mosaic browser. It wasn't his money, but he spent it anyway. It was the age before high speed internet. A time when only the most ardent techno-dreamers had the foresight to techno-dream.
As the internet grew it became obvious that unless more people joined the net it would remain a desolate outpost populated by a bunch of geeks whose only passion was staying away from mainstream society and writing code only other geeks could appreciate. It was a lot like the lunchroom at Microsoft. But all of that was about to change...
Enter Stanley Boyshole. Now, Stanley, or Darleen as he preferred to be called at that point, was a natural born salesman. His younger brother was delivered by C-Section, but Stanley came out the good old fashion way. And when it came to sales ability he was a regular Chuck Norris. Without the help of Christy Brinkley, though.
Stanley had a burning fire within him. A trait all great salesman have. Unfortunately Stanley's fire was something he picked up during his Darleen days at Camp Fed and it didn't help him sell one darn bit. But it was a burning fire nonetheless, so he had that going for him. At least until the medication kicked in.
Anyway, the one ingredient that was needed for the internet to take off and become what we know it as today was somebody tirelessly selling the idea to the masses. It needed to be wrestled from the clutches of the geeks and unleashed on the public as a whole. Stanley fancied himself as the person for the job. He actually fancied himself as the man for job, but the Darleen in him wanted equal billing.
So day after day, night after night, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade...wait a minute... I'm getting ahead of the story here. Let's back up a bit...
As I alluded to, the Democrats sponsored the High Performance Computing and Communication Act of 1991 and by 1993 people finally had a way to locate porn on the internet. Yes, that's right. I said it. I said that dreaded word that conjures up visions of nastiness, unseemly behavior, unspeakable acts against human nature, and even worse. But for a lot of people the word Republican fosters the same gut wrenching uneasiness that the word Democrat does, so lighten up.
And herein lies the catalyst for explosive growth for the internet. Now all that was needed was some over-the-top marketing to get the internet launched on a massive scale. Remember, this was before Jeff Walker arrived on the scene. And guess who stepped forward to provide such marketing? Yup, it was non other than our reluctant hero Mr. Stanley Boyshole himself.
His innovative and unique methods for marketing the internet became the stuff of legend. He was the Darwin of downloads. The Sam Walton of websites. The Ron Popiel of pixels.
But alas, he became so prolific in his underhanded and somewhat devious internet marketing skills that the industry soon had to distance itself from Stanley. The fear was that the stigma of having a person with Stanley's dubious background become the guru for an entire new industry would compromise its' potential for media dominance. Like that could happen.
As a matter of fact, it got so bad the term "internet marketing" was changed from its' original meaning of "marketing the internet", to mean "marketing on the internet". Additionally, so many behind the scenes players were referring to Stanley's tactics as a "web of deceit" that the term "world wide web" was coined as a cover-up. I'm not making this up. I read it somewhere. Perhaps it was right here in this story.
So the next time you hear rumblings about unscrupulous internet marketers and stories of fabulous wealth being generated by a few mischievous marketing mavens, you can thank Stanley Boyshole for starting us all off on the wrong foot. It's no wonder so much of the crap out there stinks like elephant dung. It's part of our heritage.
KJ
[DISCLAIMER: Non of the above reference material should be used as a thesis, especially if you are going for a Masters or a PHD in internet marketing]
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