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How to Sell an Evil Hamster

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Posted 18th January 2010 at 01:45 PM by Cataclysm1987

So my friend's sister left a hamster at his house for over a month. It was truly retarded. This stupid rodent was sitting in a cage eating, ****ting and biting people all day long and everyone in the house hated it.

After careful consideration of the circumstances, we decided that we'd give this stupid girl one day when she comes back to college and is in town again to pick up her hamster, and if not, that ****ing asshole is going up on Craigslist. As snake food.

So here's the ad copy I drafted for the evil failure mammal that should be getting digested by a boa constrictor:

Attention Snake Owners!
Are you tired of paying for hamsters that only feed your snake for a few days?
Are you fed up with sweet, innocent creatures that look pitiful and saddening when they get digested?
Are you tired of your snake killing and eating rodents that don’t clearly deserve to die?
Then listen up, because this is a one-time offer that you can’t afford to pass up!
We’re offering all snake owners a chance at a once in a lifetime deal to get a high quality, evil, piece of **** hamster that has been left at our house by its owner and is desperately in need of being consumed by a higher organism! This is not your average joe’s run of the mill rodent by any stretch of the imagination! This hamster is pure, unadulterated diabolic worthlessness!
But before I go any further into detail into why you should grab your car keys and come pick up this hamster A.S.A.P. before someone else feeds him to a snake, let me give you a list of things that you will not get from this hamster:
-Cute cuddliness: if you cuddle with this mother****ing asshole, he will eat your face and **** on it. You don’t want any of that cute **** when you’re feeding him to your boa constrictor!
-A need to be fed: this hamster has already been fed tons of food for free because his retarded owner left it at our house for over a month. He’s fat enough to feed an anaconda!
-A means of escape: this hamster comes with a free jail cell style cage to make sure he’s not going anywhere when you feed him to your python!
So why should you buy this quality, high grade evil piece of **** hamster? Because we have proof that you and everyone you know will hate him so much, you will laugh with glee when he gets eaten by your copperhead viper!
In recent back tests, this hamster was pet by three random subjects while in his cage a total of twenty times to analyze behavioral response patterns. The study reflects that 19 out of those 20 pets were immediately followed by vicious bites from the hamster.
That’s right. This hamster will bite 95 percent of people who touch it, regardless of behavior!
Could you imagine meeting a person who, 95 percent of the time when hugged by another individual, responded immediately by punching that person in the face? Every single person on the face of the planet would hate this person vehemently!
And that’s exactly how you’ll feel about this piece of **** hamster!!!
But don’t take my word for it. Here’s just a few of the testimonials we’ve received from people who have actually been forced to live with this piece of ****:
“I don’t know why I still feed it. My sister’s stupid friend left it here and all it does is eat, **** and bite people.”
-Mike Burngasser
“I hate him. He makes me sneeze and isn’t even cute or fun. We should feed him to a python.”
-Ryan Collins
“Seriously, I hate the hamster more than anyone in the house. When no one else is in the room, I will honestly just poke it in the face with a pen and laugh as it tries to bite it. Stupid ****ing hamster.”
-Eric Conklin
Given the sheer unadulterated evil and hideousness of this worthless rodent, the demand for high quality snake munchies such as this could create a massive skyrocket in price at any auction gathering snake enthusiasts. In such an instance, you have to pay top dollar for such a horrendous excuse for a pet rodent. You might even be expected to pay 200 dollars, 500 dollars, perhaps even as much as 1000 dollars for such a pathetic waste of organic matter with teeth and eyes! But we won’t charge you that…if you act now before demand liquidates our supply of ****ty, evil hamsters, you’ll get your very own evil hamster snake food for only…
ZERO DOLLARS!
That’s absolutely right! If you hurry, you can have this miserable failure mammal for free with all the included bonuses! We’ll offer you the hideously evil piece of **** hamster and the prison cage complete with water, wheel and food to keep him fat and healthy while your boa constrictor works up a nice appetite for evil rodent! Why are we doing this? Because this hamster is the hamster equivalent of itching, bleeding anal warts, and his owner is too lazy and stupid to come by and pick him up!
So act now while supplies last! You better hurry because as of posting this we only have...
400
134
56
14
1 EVIL HAMSTER LEFT!!
So hurry up and head on down to Kent, Ohio for your free evil hamster while supplies last, and make your own personal contribution to the circle of life by feeding it to a cottonmouth viper today!

Call 4407810814 now to order!

P.S.: I know you’re probably still skeptical about how evil this hamster is. That’s why I’m going to throw in a 30 day unlimited evil hamster back guarantee. If you’re not completely satisfied with this hamster, throw it out the ****ing window because honestly, I don’t think anyone will give a ****.
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