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Can you comment on my Sale Copy VS Copywriter's Sale Copy?

by WinsonYeung
14 replies
Hello Fellow Warrior/Copywriters,

Let me be frank, I'm not a copywriter but I understand the power of words that sells.

So here's what I did

I wrote my own sale copy modeling other successful sale copy and I also hired a Warrior Copywriter to build me a sale copy.

So it's my sale copy VS copywriter sale copy

Can you give me critique which one convert better in your opinion?

Version 1 - My Sale Copy ==> 75% Off Limited Time Offer!

Version 2 - Copywriter Sale Copy ==> 75% Off Limited Time Offer!

Obviously version 1 is more about story telling and my personal struggle and version 2 has a unique revenge angle.

Which one do you think will convert better?

Best Regards,
Winson Yeung
#comment #copy #copywriter #sale
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Read this - http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post9581277

    As for your copy - both sets - the old "The Goowoos are lying to you" has been flogged to death. Yawn. The whole pitch just reeks of SCAM.
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    • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
      Banned
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      The whole pitch just reeks of SCAM.
      This was my reaction to both, I'm afraid. And rather a strong reaction, at that. It's not what you wanted to hear at all, but the entire underlying approach is awful, in my opinion, and just looks "ridiculously scammy". (As an affiliate marketer, myself, there's no way I'd dream of sending any of my traffic to anything like either of those.) Sorry.

      .
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  • Profile picture of the author MatthewRHallEsq
    Test both? Why are you asking US – people who aren't your target market – which version we think will convert better? Just run a split test.

    To echo what's been said, it feels kind of phony. My first thought when I saw the testimonials was, "It looks like he got his buddies to pose for photos and write testimonials." Not accusing you of doing that, but that was my gut reaction.

    The whole thing kind of feels dated, like 2010. It feels like the kinds of products your target market has seen again and again and again – and is now wary of.

    My suggestion? Go more legit. Describe your method. Right now, it's suspiciously vague. Is it an affiliate program? Setting up an e-commerce store? All I know about your system is that "It makes money."

    BFD. Big f---ing deal. All systems say they make money. Make it personal and real, and maybe I'll be interested.

    Also, and this is petty, I don't give a s--- about the Hard Rock hotel. I mean, you pick a hotel to show off, and it's the HARD ROCK? Aim for the stars, kid, not the top of a tree.

    Hope this helps – really. I'm in a grumpy mood today. Disregard the a--holery.
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    • Profile picture of the author OUTFOXED
      Originally Posted by MatthewRHallEsq View Post

      Test both? Why are you asking US - people who aren't your target market - which version we think will convert better? Just run a split test.

      To echo what's been said, it feels kind of phony. My first thought when I saw the testimonials was, "It looks like he got his buddies to pose for photos and write testimonials." Not accusing you of doing that, but that was my gut reaction.

      The whole thing kind of feels dated, like 2010. It feels like the kinds of products your target market has seen again and again and again - and is now wary of.

      My suggestion? Go more legit. Describe your method. Right now, it's suspiciously vague. Is it an affiliate program? Setting up an e-commerce store? All I know about your system is that "It makes money."

      BFD. Big f---ing deal. All systems say they make money. Make it personal and real, and maybe I'll be interested.

      Also, and this is petty, I don't give a s--- about the Hard Rock hotel. I mean, you pick a hotel to show off, and it's the HARD ROCK? Aim for the stars, kid, not the top of a tree.

      Hope this helps - really. I'm in a grumpy mood today. Disregard the a--holery.

      Well said.

      All of the graphics and testimonials are acting like distractions from the written word. It appears that you're hiding something.

      If you strip away all of the graphics...and just read what is written, you can't make any sense of what it is you're offering. Yea, I know, a way to make money. But I don't get any sense of HOW I'm gonna make money.

      You might want to just write an emotionally compelling and benefit laden salesletter, with a compelling call to action...THEN add in a couple of strategically placed graphics.

      The way you have it now, it reminds of being at a carnival being bashed over the head by the flashing lights and being yelled at by the game operators to spend my money on their games of chance...which we ALWAYS lose!
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        What have you got to hide by not revealing
        this money making opportunity?

        You know, real one's where you can tell your
        friends and family what you do and they say, "wow that's great".

        Something you can be proud to tell others instead of
        not coming out in fhe open about it.

        Something that has value where a business broker
        can put a price on your business if you were to sell
        it on the open market. Would a business broker even
        know what classification to put it in?

        Why are you hiding what you got?

        Best,
        Doctor E. Vile
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    • Profile picture of the author WinsonYeung
      Thanks for your feedback!

      My method is about List Building, gonna revamp the sale copy soon.

      Thanks again!

      Originally Posted by MatthewRHallEsq View Post

      Test both? Why are you asking US - people who aren't your target market - which version we think will convert better? Just run a split test.

      To echo what's been said, it feels kind of phony. My first thought when I saw the testimonials was, "It looks like he got his buddies to pose for photos and write testimonials." Not accusing you of doing that, but that was my gut reaction.

      The whole thing kind of feels dated, like 2010. It feels like the kinds of products your target market has seen again and again and again - and is now wary of.

      My suggestion? Go more legit. Describe your method. Right now, it's suspiciously vague. Is it an affiliate program? Setting up an e-commerce store? All I know about your system is that "It makes money."

      BFD. Big f---ing deal. All systems say they make money. Make it personal and real, and maybe I'll be interested.

      Also, and this is petty, I don't give a s--- about the Hard Rock hotel. I mean, you pick a hotel to show off, and it's the HARD ROCK? Aim for the stars, kid, not the top of a tree.

      Hope this helps - really. I'm in a grumpy mood today. Disregard the a--holery.
      Signature
      [WSO of The Day] Discount How To Generate 172.56% Positive Return OR build your List for FREE!

      "Case Study: Discover You Can Make $1371.66 With A Simple Blog Post by Clicking Here"
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      • Profile picture of the author MatthewRHallEsq
        Originally Posted by WinsonYeung View Post

        Thanks for your feedback!

        My method is about List Building, gonna revamp the sale copy soon.

        Thanks again!
        Okay. Now we're getting somewhere.

        If your salesletter were about how you have a method to get hundreds and thousands of customers waiting eagerly to buy your new product, I'd be more interested.

        If you said you have a listbuilding method that makes your customers excited to sign up – a method you haven't seen anywhere else but has worked great every time you've tried it – then I'd be REALLY interested.

        Jim Yaghi's Traffic Kickstart does the whole "secret technique for a proven marketing strategy" thing pretty well.

        Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Originally Posted by WinsonYeung View Post

    Let me be frank,
    No. We will not let you be Frank... your name is Winson. Shirley you understand that.

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

      No. We will not let you be Frank... your name is Winson. Shirley you understand that.

      Alex
      I do understand. And don't call me Shirley.
      Signature

      Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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      • Profile picture of the author jimbo13
        Load of tosh.

        I particularly liked the 15th Century quote by Roger Bacon on Revenge. Firstly, Roger Bacon never lived in the 15th Century but the 13th and secondly he never made that quote.

        Francis Bacon did. And he never lived in the 15th Century either, but the 16th and 17th Centuries.

        Moreover the full text is about how revenge is for losers.

        Perhaps that best describes you and your target market though?

        Dan
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        • Profile picture of the author WinsonYeung
          Originally Posted by jimbo13 View Post

          Load of tosh.

          I particularly liked the 15th Century quote by Roger Bacon on Revenge. Firstly, Roger Bacon never lived in the 15th Century but the 13th and secondly he never made that quote.

          Francis Bacon did. And he never lived in the 15th Century either, but the 16th and 17th Centuries.

          Moreover the full text is about how revenge is for losers.

          Perhaps that best describes you and your target market though?

          Dan
          Aha, thanks for the correction! Yeah the revenge is just a different angle to approach. (My copywriter taught of that)
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          [WSO of The Day] Discount How To Generate 172.56% Positive Return OR build your List for FREE!

          "Case Study: Discover You Can Make $1371.66 With A Simple Blog Post by Clicking Here"
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  • Profile picture of the author WinsonYeung
    wow thanks for all the feedback, it's about list building
    Signature
    [WSO of The Day] Discount How To Generate 172.56% Positive Return OR build your List for FREE!

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    • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
      Originally Posted by WinsonYeung View Post

      wow thanks for all the feedback, it's about list building
      I would have never known looking at it.

      That's an obvious mistake.

      THIS looks like a system for newbies who have never made any money online and just want to get started. List building is a longer pitch for them, it's too many layers removed from their present state of awareness.

      This "copywriter" you hired SHOULD have asked you this and written something which spoke to your target market. The fact that they didn't, tells me you didn't hire a copywriter. You hired a writer dressed up like a copywriter, sneaking around the back alleys of Elance in a Trench coat and 5 o'clock shadow saying, "Hey kid, ya' wanna buy some sales copy?"

      In other words, you got ripped off. Ironically, their writing skills aren't that bad. But they (and you) missed the single most important principle of copywriting:

      Know who you're talking to.

      I suggest, taking some of those gobs of money you're making and hiring someone who knows what the hell they're talking about. You might have to skip your next trip to Sea World, but believe me, we've got enough damn tourists down here as it is.
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      • Profile picture of the author MatthewRHallEsq
        [QUOTE=sethczerepak;9588574]You hired a writer dressed up like a copywriter, sneaking around the back alleys of Elance in a Trench coat and 5 o'clock shadow saying, "Hey kid, ya' wanna buy some sales copy?"

        Great image. Even better learning tool.
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