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If You're A Professional Copywriter...

by John Pagulayan
9 replies
Hello Fellow Warriors,

I apologize in advance for not being upfront with the thread title. I figured that if I need good copywriters to click, I better write a damn good "curiosity-inclined" title targeted at them.

I hope it did the job. If not, please accept my second apology.

Anyhoo,

I just saw a thread where the guy's sales page was ripped to shreds by some of the keen copywriters in this forum, and as weird as it sounds...I'd like you guys to the same to mine.

In short, this is really just a humble request that if you may take a look at my sales page and do an honestly-brutal-spite-induced critique.

Why?

The letter is currently converting at 13% from both email list and cold traffic and I'm planning to do some split testing because I think it can still perform better. And I need your help to do just that.

I could really use your advice NOT on what I needed to test but rather the specifics on why you think certain parts of the letter sucks.

Here's the page by the way... KANRS —

Thanks Guys!

P.S. Although I certainly love constructive criticism, I don't hate compliments either.
#copywriter #professional
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    John, are you going to send enough traffic from the same
    source to give a valid a/b split test?

    I can see ways to improve what you've got,
    but we both won't know if it works if you follow
    what I just said...right?

    Best,
    Doctor E. Vile
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    • Profile picture of the author John Pagulayan
      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      John, are you going to send enough traffic from the same
      source to give a valid a/b split test?

      I can see ways to improve what you've got,
      but we both won't know if it works if you follow
      what I just said...right?

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
      I think you're being too kind. lol!

      And yes, enough traffic would be sent from the same source to make it a valid A/B.
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  • Profile picture of the author OUTFOXED
    Might I suggest that you a/b test only one element at a time.
    I would start with the headline first. As we all know the head is
    one of the most important elements in a salesletter.

    Eddie
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    • Profile picture of the author John Pagulayan
      Originally Posted by OUTFOXED View Post

      Might I suggest that you a/b test only one element at a time.
      I would start with the headline first. As we all know the head is
      one of the most important elements in a salesletter.

      Eddie
      That's exactly what I'm going to do.

      But I won't know which element until I get real honest answers as to what is wrong with it. I mean sure the headline is always the first element to go but my question is more on what is lacking in my letter so I can tweak it and that's what I'm going to test first.

      I'm basically looking for people to say which part is weak and why.
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Originally Posted by John Pagulayan View Post

    I apologize in advance for not being upfront with the thread title. I figured that if I need good copywriters to click, I better write a damn good "curiosity-inclined" title targeted at them.
    I don't usually post in threads that get me to click under false pretenses. But in this case, I've made an exception.

    Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author OUTFOXED
    My bad John,

    I would definitely change the head. Here's an example of what I mean...keep in mind I just threw this together to give you an idea of how to peak the interest of your prospects.

    I always use a pre-head, followed by the head and then a sub-head....


    Reclusive internet marketing genius finally gives in and exposes his secret proprietary system that guarantees to zero in and exploit the most profitable niches you never even heard of!

    Discover the Auto-Pilot System to targeting the perfect niche, that’ll put you in front of the hungriest buyers and more money in your pocket…Without risking a dime!!
    This ingenious system is guaranteed to NEVER fail! Just like in mathematics, 2+2=4 and always will, So it is with this fail safe system…


    Eddie
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    • Profile picture of the author John Pagulayan
      Originally Posted by OUTFOXED View Post

      My bad John,

      I would definitely change the head. Here's an example of what I mean...keep in mind I just threw this together to give you an idea of how to peak the interest of your prospects.

      I always use a pre-head, followed by the head and then a sub-head....


      Reclusive internet marketing genius finally gives in and exposes his secret proprietary system that guarantees to zero in and exploit the most profitable niches you never even heard of!

      Discover the Auto-Pilot System to targeting the perfect niche, that’ll put you in front of the hungriest buyers and more money in your pocket…Without risking a dime!!
      This ingenious system is guaranteed to NEVER fail! Just like in mathematics, 2+2=4 and always will, So it is with this fail safe system…


      Eddie
      Wow! Never thought of structuring the headline that way.

      (probably because I'm just to shy to call myself an internet marketing genius. lol).

      But kidding aside, this is what I'm really looking for. Thanks for clarifying what you meant last time.
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Originally Posted by John Pagulayan View Post

    Hello Fellow Warriors,

    I apologize in advance for not being upfront with the thread title. I figured that if I need good copywriters to click, I better write a damn good "curiosity-inclined" title targeted at them.

    I hope it did the job. If not, please accept my second apology.

    Anyhoo,

    I just saw a thread where the guy's sales page was ripped to shreds by some of the keen copywriters in this forum, and as weird as it sounds...I'd like you guys to the same to mine.

    In short, this is really just a humble request that if you may take a look at my sales page and do an honestly-brutal-spite-induced critique.

    Why?

    The letter is currently converting at 13% from both email list and cold traffic and I'm planning to do some split testing because I think it can still perform better. And I need your help to do just that.

    I could really use your advice NOT on what I needed to test but rather the specifics on why you think certain parts of the letter sucks.

    Here's the page by the way... KANRS —

    Thanks Guys!

    P.S. Although I certainly love constructive criticism, I don't hate compliments either.
    Well, you nailed the #1 perceived problem which most new IMers are having. They can't pick a niche. That's 100% clear from the headline and the opening, which really stacks the odds in your favor.

    Personally, I wouldn't mess with a 13% conversion rate. I'd work on pumping up the back end profits. Too many marketers get obsessed with their conversion rate, but the back end is where the real money is. I'm not just talking about OTO's either.

    You might get more action by changing those buttons though, reinforcing the guarantee on the button image, starting your button text with the word "Yes" or "Get..." instead of the word "Buy" and having some arrows to draw attention to them.

    Also, I'd track which of the three buttons are getting the most clicks, add a "free tour" for a downsell offer and create a more convincing scarcity message than "I'm only offering a limited number of copies."
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author John Pagulayan
      Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

      Well, you nailed the #1 perceived problem which most new IMers are having. They can't pick a niche. That's 100% clear from the headline and the opening, which really stacks the odds in your favor.

      Personally, I wouldn't mess with a 13% conversion rate. I'd work on pumping up the back end profits. Too many marketers get obsessed with their conversion rate, but the back end is where the real money is. I'm not just talking about OTO's either.

      You might get more action by changing those buttons though, reinforcing the guarantee on the button image, starting your button text with the word "Yes" or "Get..." instead of the word "Buy" and having some arrows to draw attention to them.

      Also, I'd track which of the three buttons are getting the most clicks, add a "free tour" for a downsell offer and create a more convincing scarcity message than "I'm only offering a limited number of copies."
      Solid advice.

      Got you on the scarcity message. I only thought about that one on the fly and planned to sell only 500 copies.

      And now that I read it again, it just sounded so lame. hahaha!

      I do email copy for clients and I now fully realize that doing sales copy is a different monster altogether.
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