Kindly Critique My Long-form Squeeze.

25 replies
Good Warriors.

Please kindly critique my newsletter sign-up page: Dating Advice For Men

Kind Regards.

Edit: Link removed. Thanks all for the feedback.
#critique #kindly #longform #squeeze
  • Profile picture of the author Complex
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author Richfella
      Originally Posted by Complex View Post

      1. Way too long

      2. Way too generic.

      The headline you are using (or some minor variation) has been used by literally 1,000s of aspiring dating advice marketers.

      Bring something new to the table.

      Only testing will tell for sure, but I'd put you around 3-7% at best. That'd be on quality traffic too.
      Hello Complex,

      1.) Do people respond to headlines because they are new - or because it promises to solve a problem that they have?

      2.) I believe people don't read copy for amusement. If its content that interests you, no copy is too long. I want only very interested leads.

      Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it a lot.

      Finally, did it appear to have been written by a non-native English speaker?
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      • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
        Originally Posted by Richfella View Post

        2.) I believe people don't read copy for amusement. If its content that interests you, no copy is too long. I want only very interested leads.
        Yes, but there's a difference between baiting the fish and friggin'
        feeding them and sending them away full. Especially when you're giving them a bunch of filler they've heard everywhere else on the web. If you're going to give that much away, put it in a newsletter or a sales page.

        Shorten it up to get their email.
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  • Profile picture of the author estudiseno
    another page more
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    • Profile picture of the author Richfella
      Originally Posted by estudiseno View Post

      another page more
      Kindly be clearer.
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  • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
    I don't think I'd use all those copyrighted images, not to mention the breaches of publicity rights. Can you use other photos that don't use copyrighted images or images of celebrities?
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    • Profile picture of the author Richfella
      Originally Posted by joe golfer View Post

      I don't think I'd use all those copyrighted images, not to mention the breaches of publicity rights. Can you use other photos that don't use copyrighted images or images of celebrities?
      Thanks. I'll have to remove them I guess.
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      • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
        Originally Posted by Richfella View Post

        Thanks. I'll have to remove them I guess.
        You could always take a chance that someone won't discover them and sue you for willful infringement. Not a very smart strategy though.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Nothing new here is there? Just the same old, same old BS. That goes on and on and on. You start with a word that automatically switches the reader to "Off". Yeah - "learn". People don't want to "learn". They want to 'discover". Then you piss off the reader by talking down to him -
    I want you to shut your door right now – and lock it.
    Close your windows too.
    Switch off your phone, disconnect from the internet. And yes, close all those other open tabs because this might just be the most important article you will ever read this year.
    At that point you've lost them. But then you add insult to injury with these lines -
    Think about the answer. I doubt you’ll even get close. But give it a shot anyway.
    I doubt you'll even get close to understanding your market and your reader. But give it a shot anyway.

    But really... this just reads like a swipe of a swipe.
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    • Profile picture of the author Richfella
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Nothing new here is there? Just the same old, same old BS. That goes on and on and on. You start with a word that automatically switches the reader to "Off". Yeah - "learn". People don't want to "learn". They want to 'discover". Then you piss off the reader by talking down to him -
      At that point you've lost them. But then you add insult to injury with these lines - I doubt you'll even get close to understanding your market and your reader. But give it a shot anyway.

      But really... this just reads like a swipe of a swipe.
      1.) Thanks, have changed Learn to Discover. But Discover is already in my ad headline and also in the sub-headline. Good suggestion.

      2.) Yes, same old benefits that work, and have worked. Or contemporary men now have a different set of dating wants?

      3.) "Then you piss off the reader by talking down to him".

      Ok, I am not a native English speaker, so I might miss a few nuances, here and there. Are those really condescending?

      Thanks again for your feedback.
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by Richfella View Post

        1.) Thanks, have changed Learn to Discover. But Discover is already in my ad headline and also in the sub-headline. Good suggestion.

        2.) Yes, same old benefits that work, and have worked. Or contemporary men now have a different set of dating wants?

        3.) "Then you piss off the reader by talking down to him".

        Ok, I am not a native English speaker, so I might miss a few nuances, here and there. Are those really condescending?

        Thanks again for your feedback.
        Your target audience doesn't want to read all that stuff. It just does his head in. He just wants a "magic formula" that helps him pick up women. This is not a squeeze. Or if it is, it's the longest squeeze in the history of squeezes. There is way too much stuff on this page. All you need do with a squeeze is throw your bait out... and then haul them in. So... you would be better off "cutting to the chase". Get to the frigging point. "Hey fella... wanna know the secret to picking up stunners? Its easy once you know how. Here are Ten surefire ways. Yeah - they work. Even if you're a fat basterd. Or broke. Or super-shy. These techniques are so good...they really should be banned. In fact the last guy that tried #4 damn near scored three times in the one night! Don't believe me? Check this out..." (leading to the opt-in).

        Did you write this or get somebody to write it for you? 'Cause it's a bit... I dunno - stilted? for this kind of stuff. Too academic. It's gotta POP from the head onwards. You have to have them drooling to get their hands on your guide/ebook/whatever it is. And this won't do it. This is not the kind of thing where the guy says to his buddy "Dude... check this out. This is killer".

        I don't mean to discourage you but this is a very competitive market. It needs to be EXCITING yeah? And this isn't. It's a drag.
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        • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
          Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

          Your target audience doesn't want to read all that stuff. It just does his head in. He just wants a "magic formula" that helps him pick up women. This is not a squeeze. Or if it is, it's the longest squeeze in the history of squeezes. There is way too much stuff on this page. All you need do with a squeeze is throw your bait out... and then haul them in. So... you would be better off "cutting to the chase". Get to the frigging point. "Hey fella... wanna know the secret to picking up stunners? Its easy once you know how. Here are Ten surefire ways. Yeah - they work. Even if you're a fat basterd. Or broke. Or super-shy. These techniques are so good...they really should be banned. In fact the last guy that tried #4 damn near scored three times in the one night! Don't believe me? Check this out..." (leading to the opt-in).

          Did you write this or get somebody to write it for you? 'Cause it's a bit... I dunno - stilted? for this kind of stuff. Too academic. It's gotta POP from the head onwards. You have to have them drooling to get their hands on your guide/ebook/whatever it is. And this won't do it. This is not the kind of thing where the guy says to his buddy "Dude... check this out. This is killer".

          I don't mean to discourage you but this is a very competitive market. It needs to be EXCITING yeah? And this isn't. It's a drag.
          Man, that's killer advice. I love it, especially the fat Bas***d part. I could really relate to that! Ha ha!

          ELMO
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    HEADLINE:

    Tonight a beautiful, hot girl sits alone on her couch. She'd rather be Fu88ing YOU.

    Would you like her name and phone number?

    Yes, beautiful, lonely, and horny girls who want to get laid are sitting at home in their pj's, eating chocolate chip ice cream and potato chips, watching another romantic movie.

    They'd rather be getting laid. Yes, even by YOU. All you have to do to make this happen is to utter a few magic words to her...but, first, you have to find her.

    Then you need to know the words.

    We'll show you how to find her, and tell you what to say. Guaranteed.
    ************************

    Test this as an opt in (squeeze) against your long copy, see what happens.
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  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Originally Posted by Richfella View Post

    Good Warriors.

    Please kindly critique my newsletter sign-up page: Dating Advice For Men

    Kind Regards.
    What's your goal of your page?

    Best,
    Doctor E. Vile
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    • Profile picture of the author Richfella
      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      What's your goal of your page?

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
      Optins by the kind of prospect I want. People who will read

      My newsletters go deep. So I will most likely not be able to communicate with someone who wants 2 steps to get the girl - inside.
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Originally Posted by Richfella View Post

        Optins by the kind of prospect I want. People who will read

        My newsletters go deep. So I will most likely not be able to communicate with someone who wants 2 steps to get the girl - inside.
        Cool.

        If you can think of a guy who's in a common situation
        and wants to move out of it, then that's your point of entry
        into his mind.

        You help him get out of that one bad point in a very
        clear narrow focus. Nothing more.

        Once you've got him to point b, then you can bring
        up the topic of getting to point c. Point c is never mentioned
        until he has read the roadmap to point b.

        Giving more to focus on means attention is lost and
        action doesn't happen.

        All this means is to stick with one very narrow issue
        your reader wants help with.

        Make it short to the point and outcome based
        on your lead capture page so your reader gets
        fast gratification.

        On which narrow subject to write about,
        think where the reader is at in the relationship
        world..starting out and has no clue where to start
        through to a person who has had great success
        but wants to make a few tweaks in certain situations
        he hasn't encountered before.

        Best,
        Doctor E. Vile
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        • Profile picture of the author Richfella
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          Cool.

          If you can think of a guy who's in common situation
          and wants to move out of it, then that's your point of entry
          into his mind.

          You help him get out of that one bad point in a very
          clear narrow focus. Nothing more.

          Once you've got him to point b, then you can bring
          up the topic of getting to point c. Point c is never mentioned
          until he has read the roadmap to point b.

          Giving more to focus means attention is lost and
          action doesn't happen.

          All this means is to stick with one very narrow issue
          your reader wants help with.

          Make it short to the point and outcome based
          on your lead capture page so your reader gets
          fast gratification.

          On which narrow subject to write about,
          think where the reader is at in the relationship
          world..starting out and has no clue where to start
          through to a person who has had great success
          but wants to make a few tweaks in certain situations
          he hasn't encountered before.

          Best,
          Doctor E. Vile
          *GILDED*

          Thanks a mil! This is priceless.
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          • Profile picture of the author azizuz
            There's some great feedback here that can be implemented in any niche.
            Just wanted to say this is a great post!
            Signature

            Aziz

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  • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
    You said:

    "I want you to shut your door right now – and lock it.

    Close your windows too.

    Switch off your phone, disconnect from the internet. And yes, close all those other open tabs because this might just be the most important article you will ever read this year.
    "

    So I did all the stuff you told me to the letter. When my wife came back from ladies Bible study, she couldn't get in the door and when she did she looked at me funny because the windows were closed and I was trying to look at the Internet which was off.

    She proceeded to tell me I was going to suck at being a chick magnet.

    Thanks so much for the advice pal.

    ELMO
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    • Profile picture of the author Beeemme
      Originally Posted by elmo033057 View Post

      You said:

      "I want you to shut your door right now - and lock it.

      Close your windows too.

      Switch off your phone, disconnect from the internet. And yes, close all those other open tabs because this might just be the most important article you will ever read this year.
      "

      So I did all the stuff you told me to the letter. When my wife came back from ladies Bible study, she couldn't get in the door and when she did she looked at me funny because the windows were closed and I was trying to look at the Internet which was off.

      She proceeded to tell me I was going to suck at being a chick magnet.

      Thanks so much for the advice pal.

      ELMO

      I love this place!
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  • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
    "Look closely, Tiger is very attentive – like a little school-boy. Has a BIG grin on his face. And…is covering his balls in a defensive position! (Who’s BOSS?)"

    Man, I laughed so hard I almost blew my petard!

    ELMO
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  • Profile picture of the author Cool Hand Luke
    Sorry OP, but everything about that squeeze blows. Really.

    Adding to the solid advice you've already received from Mal and several others, let me suggest one simple thing you can do right NOW to instantly improve everything about your marketing efforts: just watch the video below.

    You'll see not only the style of squeeze page that is getting higher opt-in rates than just about anything else right now, but also just how little there is to the actual offer on the squeeze page (hint: no paragraphs, no scrolling, no overwhelming your prospect). Just get right to it.

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  • Profile picture of the author King Jeff
    Dude, lead with the question you asked 4 lines down, something like:

    "This Is The Number 1 Attribute Any Man Can Develop In 24 Hours That Makes Hot Women Beg To Rip Your Pants Off"

    or...

    Finally Revealed After 1,2345 Live Case Studies : "The Number 1 Attribute Any Man Can Develop In 24 Hours That Makes Hot Women Beg To Rip Your Pants Off"...Even If He Is Not Tall, Rich Or Handsome!"

    ...or something like that.

    That lead has gtta pack a PUNCH... and make me wanna keep reading.

    What demo are you targeting btw?
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    • Profile picture of the author Reid Stevens
      Thanks to everyone who participated in giving feedback in this thread. You all gave some very valuable advice and I appreciate it. Although I didn't start this thread, there is some top notch info in this thread alone that will help me with one of my squeeze pages.

      The amount of information you all give for free makes this the best section of the whole forum.

      Reid
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      Great Domain Name For Sale
      www.mhealthinsurance.com

      Make me an offer.
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  • Profile picture of the author jtunkelo
    You have too many things going on here. Length isn't a problem, but it's almost as if you're trying one approach after another and tying it all into a sales letter. Two things then to fix:

    1. Figure out the ONE HOOK that's unique to you, that people really want, and you can back it up.

    2. Learn some sales letter structure, and rearrange/rewrite the letter. There aren't really any shortcuts to this, sorry.
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  • Profile picture of the author Work1099
    Originally Posted by Richfella View Post

    Good Warriors.

    Please kindly critique my newsletter sign-up page: Dating Advice For Men

    Kind Regards.
    Many men would be averse to the idea of "attraction by command" (your domain name). Your definitely going for a certain sub-group with that kind of domain name, but I suspect that it may not have been intentional.

    You should read this sentence out loud as though you didn't write it: "I want you to shut your door right now – and lock it." Imagine your relaxing on your computer and a complete stranger walks up to your window next to you and says that with the first words out of their mouth.

    I think you'll be surprised how much this opening needs an improvement.

    Overall, the letter is setting the wrong impression in my opinion. A lot of the information is generic and can be found in many places. It's worth working out the points of difference about what you can say ... and then putting those upfront. If you don't have any, it' worth creating some.
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