Kindly Critique My Long-form Squeeze.

Complex

9 years ago

[DELETED]

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Richfella

9 years ago

Originally Posted by Complex

1. Way too long

2. Way too generic.

The headline you are using (or some minor variation) has been used by literally 1,000s of aspiring dating advice marketers.

Bring something new to the table.

Only testing will tell for sure, but I'd put you around 3-7% at best. That'd be on quality traffic too.

Hello Complex,

1.) Do people respond to headlines because they are new - or because it promises to solve a problem that they have?

2.) I believe people don't read copy for amusement. If its content that interests you, no copy is too long. I want only very interested leads.

Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it a lot.

Finally, did it appear to have been written by a non-native English speaker?

Thanks
1 reply

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sethczerepak 9 years ago

Originally Posted by Richfella

2.) I believe people don't read copy for amusement. If its content that interests you, no copy is too long. I want only very interested leads.

Yes, but there's a difference between baiting the fish and friggin'
feeding them and sending them away full. Especially when you're giving them a bunch of filler they've heard everywhere else on the web. If you're going to give that much away, put it in a newsletter or a sales page.

Shorten it up to get their email.
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estudiseno

9 years ago

another page more

Thanks
1 reply

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Richfella 9 years ago

Originally Posted by estudiseno

another page more

Kindly be clearer.
- Thanks
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joe golfer

9 years ago

I don't think I'd use all those copyrighted images, not to mention the breaches of publicity rights. Can you use other photos that don't use copyrighted images or images of celebrities?

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Richfella

9 years ago

Originally Posted by joe golfer

I don't think I'd use all those copyrighted images, not to mention the breaches of publicity rights. Can you use other photos that don't use copyrighted images or images of celebrities?

Thanks. I'll have to remove them I guess.

Thanks
1 reply

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angiecolee 9 years ago

Originally Posted by Richfella

Thanks. I'll have to remove them I guess.

You could always take a chance that someone won't discover them and sue you for willful infringement. Not a very smart strategy though.
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The Copy Nazi

Banned 9 years ago

Nothing new here is there? Just the same old, same old BS. That goes on and on and on. You start with a word that automatically switches the reader to "Off". Yeah - "learn". People don't want to "learn". They want to 'discover". Then you piss off the reader by talking down to him -

I want you to shut your door right now – and lock it.
Close your windows too.
Switch off your phone, disconnect from the internet. And yes, close all those other open tabs because this might just be the most important article you will ever read this year.

At that point you've lost them. But then you add insult to injury with these lines -

Think about the answer. I doubt you’ll even get close. But give it a shot anyway.

I doubt you'll even get close to understanding your market and your reader. But give it a shot anyway.

But really... this just reads like a swipe of a swipe.

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1 reply

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Richfella

9 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Nothing new here is there? Just the same old, same old BS. That goes on and on and on. You start with a word that automatically switches the reader to "Off". Yeah - "learn". People don't want to "learn". They want to 'discover". Then you piss off the reader by talking down to him -
At that point you've lost them. But then you add insult to injury with these lines - I doubt you'll even get close to understanding your market and your reader. But give it a shot anyway.

But really... this just reads like a swipe of a swipe.

1.) Thanks, have changed Learn to Discover. But Discover is already in my ad headline and also in the sub-headline. Good suggestion.

2.) Yes, same old benefits that work, and have worked. Or contemporary men now have a different set of dating wants?

3.) "Then you piss off the reader by talking down to him".

Ok, I am not a native English speaker, so I might miss a few nuances, here and there. Are those really condescending?

Thanks again for your feedback.

Thanks
1 reply

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 9 years ago

Originally Posted by Richfella

1.) Thanks, have changed Learn to Discover. But Discover is already in my ad headline and also in the sub-headline. Good suggestion.

2.) Yes, same old benefits that work, and have worked. Or contemporary men now have a different set of dating wants?

3.) "Then you piss off the reader by talking down to him".

Ok, I am not a native English speaker, so I might miss a few nuances, here and there. Are those really condescending?

Thanks again for your feedback.

Your target audience doesn't want to read all that stuff. It just does his head in. He just wants a "magic formula" that helps him pick up women. This is not a squeeze. Or if it is, it's the longest squeeze in the history of squeezes. There is way too much stuff on this page. All you need do with a squeeze is throw your bait out... and then haul them in. So... you would be better off "cutting to the chase". Get to the frigging point. "Hey fella... wanna know the secret to picking up stunners? Its easy once you know how. Here are Ten surefire ways. Yeah - they work. Even if you're a fat basterd. Or broke. Or super-shy. These techniques are so good...they really should be banned. In fact the last guy that tried #4 damn near scored three times in the one night! Don't believe me? Check this out..." (leading to the opt-in).

Did you write this or get somebody to write it for you? 'Cause it's a bit... I dunno - stilted? for this kind of stuff. Too academic. It's gotta POP from the head onwards. You have to have them drooling to get their hands on your guide/ebook/whatever it is. And this won't do it. This is not the kind of thing where the guy says to his buddy "Dude... check this out. This is killer".

I don't mean to discourage you but this is a very competitive market. It needs to be EXCITING yeah? And this isn't. It's a drag.

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1 reply

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elmo033057

9 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Your target audience doesn't want to read all that stuff. It just does his head in. He just wants a "magic formula" that helps him pick up women. This is not a squeeze. Or if it is, it's the longest squeeze in the history of squeezes. There is way too much stuff on this page. All you need do with a squeeze is throw your bait out... and then haul them in. So... you would be better off "cutting to the chase". Get to the frigging point. "Hey fella... wanna know the secret to picking up stunners? Its easy once you know how. Here are Ten surefire ways. Yeah - they work. Even if you're a fat basterd. Or broke. Or super-shy. These techniques are so good...they really should be banned. In fact the last guy that tried #4 damn near scored three times in the one night! Don't believe me? Check this out..." (leading to the opt-in).

Did you write this or get somebody to write it for you? 'Cause it's a bit... I dunno - stilted? for this kind of stuff. Too academic. It's gotta POP from the head onwards. You have to have them drooling to get their hands on your guide/ebook/whatever it is. And this won't do it. This is not the kind of thing where the guy says to his buddy "Dude... check this out. This is killer".

I don't mean to discourage you but this is a very competitive market. It needs to be EXCITING yeah? And this isn't. It's a drag.

Man, that's killer advice. I love it, especially the fat Bas***d part. I could really relate to that! Ha ha!

ELMO

Thanks

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"When It Comes To High Response Copy - I've Got Your Back!"

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gjabiz

9 years ago

HEADLINE:

Tonight a beautiful, hot girl sits alone on her couch. She'd rather be Fu88ing YOU.

Would you like her name and phone number?

Yes, beautiful, lonely, and horny girls who want to get laid are sitting at home in their pj's, eating chocolate chip ice cream and potato chips, watching another romantic movie.

They'd rather be getting laid. Yes, even by YOU. All you have to do to make this happen is to utter a few magic words to her...but, first, you have to find her.

Then you need to know the words.

We'll show you how to find her, and tell you what to say. Guaranteed.
************************

Test this as an opt in (squeeze) against your long copy, see what happens.

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ewenmack

9 years ago

Originally Posted by Richfella

Good Warriors.

Please kindly critique my newsletter sign-up page: Dating Advice For Men

Kind Regards.

What's your goal of your page?

Best,
Doctor E. Vile

Thanks
1 reply

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Richfella

9 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

What's your goal of your page?

Best,
Doctor E. Vile

Optins by the kind of prospect I want. People who will read

My newsletters go deep. So I will most likely not be able to communicate with someone who wants 2 steps to get the girl - inside.

Thanks
1 reply

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ewenmack

9 years ago

Originally Posted by Richfella

Optins by the kind of prospect I want. People who will read

My newsletters go deep. So I will most likely not be able to communicate with someone who wants 2 steps to get the girl - inside.

Cool.

If you can think of a guy who's in a common situation
and wants to move out of it, then that's your point of entry
into his mind.

You help him get out of that one bad point in a very
clear narrow focus. Nothing more.

Once you've got him to point b, then you can bring
up the topic of getting to point c. Point c is never mentioned
until he has read the roadmap to point b.

Giving more to focus on means attention is lost and
action doesn't happen.

All this means is to stick with one very narrow issue
your reader wants help with.

Make it short to the point and outcome based
on your lead capture page so your reader gets
fast gratification.

On which narrow subject to write about,
think where the reader is at in the relationship
world..starting out and has no clue where to start
through to a person who has had great success
but wants to make a few tweaks in certain situations
he hasn't encountered before.

Best,
Doctor E. Vile

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

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Richfella

9 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Cool.

If you can think of a guy who's in common situation
and wants to move out of it, then that's your point of entry
into his mind.

You help him get out of that one bad point in a very
clear narrow focus. Nothing more.

Once you've got him to point b, then you can bring
up the topic of getting to point c. Point c is never mentioned
until he has read the roadmap to point b.

Giving more to focus means attention is lost and
action doesn't happen.

All this means is to stick with one very narrow issue
your reader wants help with.

Make it short to the point and outcome based
on your lead capture page so your reader gets
fast gratification.

On which narrow subject to write about,
think where the reader is at in the relationship
world..starting out and has no clue where to start
through to a person who has had great success
but wants to make a few tweaks in certain situations
he hasn't encountered before.

Best,
Doctor E. Vile

*GILDED*

Thanks a mil! This is priceless.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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azizuz 9 years ago

There's some great feedback here that can be implemented in any niche.
Just wanted to say this is a great post!
- Thanks
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Aziz
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elmo033057

9 years ago

You said:

"I want you to shut your door right now – and lock it.

Close your windows too.

Switch off your phone, disconnect from the internet. And yes, close all those other open tabs because this might just be the most important article you will ever read this year."

So I did all the stuff you told me to the letter. When my wife came back from ladies Bible study, she couldn't get in the door and when she did she looked at me funny because the windows were closed and I was trying to look at the Internet which was off.

She proceeded to tell me I was going to suck at being a chick magnet.

Thanks so much for the advice pal.

ELMO

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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Mark "Elmo" Ellis
"When It Comes To High Response Copy - I've Got Your Back!"

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Beeemme

9 years ago

Originally Posted by elmo033057

You said:

"I want you to shut your door right now - and lock it.

Close your windows too.

Switch off your phone, disconnect from the internet. And yes, close all those other open tabs because this might just be the most important article you will ever read this year."

So I did all the stuff you told me to the letter. When my wife came back from ladies Bible study, she couldn't get in the door and when she did she looked at me funny because the windows were closed and I was trying to look at the Internet which was off.

She proceeded to tell me I was going to suck at being a chick magnet.

Thanks so much for the advice pal.

ELMO

I love this place!

Thanks

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elmo033057

9 years ago

"Look closely, Tiger is very attentive – like a little school-boy. Has a BIG grin on his face. And…is covering his balls in a defensive position! (Who’s BOSS?)"

Man, I laughed so hard I almost blew my petard!

ELMO

Thanks

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Mark "Elmo" Ellis
"When It Comes To High Response Copy - I've Got Your Back!"

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Cool Hand Luke

9 years ago

Sorry OP, but everything about that squeeze blows. Really.

Adding to the solid advice you've already received from Mal and several others, let me suggest one simple thing you can do right NOW to instantly improve everything about your marketing efforts: just watch the video below.

You'll see not only the style of squeeze page that is getting higher opt-in rates than just about anything else right now, but also just how little there is to the actual offer on the squeeze page (hint: no paragraphs, no scrolling, no overwhelming your prospect). Just get right to it.

Announcing LeadBoxesâ„¢: The Biggest UpdateTo...

Thanks

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King Jeff

9 years ago

Dude, lead with the question you asked 4 lines down, something like:

"This Is The Number 1 Attribute Any Man Can Develop In 24 Hours That Makes Hot Women Beg To Rip Your Pants Off"

or...

Finally Revealed After 1,2345 Live Case Studies : "The Number 1 Attribute Any Man Can Develop In 24 Hours That Makes Hot Women Beg To Rip Your Pants Off"...Even If He Is Not Tall, Rich Or Handsome!"

...or something like that.

That lead has gtta pack a PUNCH... and make me wanna keep reading.

What demo are you targeting btw?

Thanks
1 reply

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Reid Stevens 9 years ago

Thanks to everyone who participated in giving feedback in this thread. You all gave some very valuable advice and I appreciate it. Although I didn't start this thread, there is some top notch info in this thread alone that will help me with one of my squeeze pages.

The amount of information you all give for free makes this the best section of the whole forum.

Reid
- Thanks
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jtunkelo

9 years ago

You have too many things going on here. Length isn't a problem, but it's almost as if you're trying one approach after another and tying it all into a sales letter. Two things then to fix:

1. Figure out the ONE HOOK that's unique to you, that people really want, and you can back it up.

2. Learn some sales letter structure, and rearrange/rewrite the letter. There aren't really any shortcuts to this, sorry.

Thanks

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Work1099

9 years ago

Originally Posted by Richfella

Good Warriors.

Please kindly critique my newsletter sign-up page: Dating Advice For Men

Kind Regards.

Many men would be averse to the idea of "attraction by command" (your domain name). Your definitely going for a certain sub-group with that kind of domain name, but I suspect that it may not have been intentional.

You should read this sentence out loud as though you didn't write it: "I want you to shut your door right now – and lock it." Imagine your relaxing on your computer and a complete stranger walks up to your window next to you and says that with the first words out of their mouth.

I think you'll be surprised how much this opening needs an improvement.

Overall, the letter is setting the wrong impression in my opinion. A lot of the information is generic and can be found in many places. It's worth working out the points of difference about what you can say ... and then putting those upfront. If you don't have any, it' worth creating some.

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Kindly Critique My Long-form Squeeze.

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