Could Someone Critique my Leade Page Please?

18 years ago

Your going to need to explain how your program (through the internet?) is better than having someone hire a personal trainer and train them in person.

If you can do that you should be able to overcome that question which comes up in my mind.

Thanks
2 replies

Signature

>>> WWW.MEDIAPUBLICITYGENERATOR.COM

ATTENTION AFFILIATES: Earn Earn Commissions On Monthly Subscriptions Up To $597 Per Month PLUS Tiered Commissions On Overrides & 4-Figure Affiliate Bonuses!!

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[86579].message }}

IRON_STRONG 18 years ago

OK thank you, the actual service is in home personal training, i obviously need to make it more clear that this is for in home personal training then?
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature

I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[86593].message }}
- IRON_STRONG 18 years ago
  
  does any one else have any suggestions, or any feed back? id greatly appriciate it!
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
  Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[87823].message }}
  
  John_S 18 years ago
  
  It's pretty generic, to improve you'll need to develop a unique selling proposition.
  
  The bullets, being generic, are weak. You'll need to work on being more specific, with stronger benefits which are more compelling.
  
  Nothing implies immediacy. I see what you tried to do with the seven slots, but you'll need to give a reason why there is any reason to think the slots will be gone quickly. It's a scarcity gimmick with no reason why.
  
  In all it looks like a template for a generic business that needs specifics. Video is dark, similarly generic and uncompelling. Before and after pictures showing dramatic results should be a priority.
  
  You want to think "Nanny 911." Fitness for people who've failed before, and your unique game-changing method to make good on the promises of competitors.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[87905].message }}
  
  IRON_STRONG 18 years ago
  
  Thank you, good Info. as far as the testimonial looking generic well, quite frankly it is. thats a real client with real results telling his experience.
  
  As for the bullets being generic i am making some more ellaborate benfit rish bullets to be used.
  
  as for the look of the site, i htought it was quite decent, considering many of the sales and leads sites i have seen around the internet. my corporate website is a much more proffesional, exclusive look and feel, but alot of marketing "gurus" shot it down saying a sales page type site would do better.
  
  Do you think it would be better to incorporate other pages for extra information along the lines of a mini site?
  
  Does anyone else have any feed back? i very much appriciate the criticism good and bad.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
  Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[89481].message }}
  
  John_S 18 years ago
  
  Do you think it would be better to incorporate other pages for extra information along the lines of a mini site?
  
  No. I think the stock photography should be replaced with before and after pictures of clients, with names ...and testimonials as captions. Then I think there should be a picture of you with some details.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[89569].message }}
  
  IRON_STRONG 18 years ago
  
  Ok, so pictures of my self and my trainers with cleints, and client before and after photos. should i incorporate more testimonials?
  
  also does my copy need reworking completely? i am trying to figure out how to explian the 7 slots thing, the fact is, i very rarely take on clients personally most go to my trainers, but in effort to get some more success stories and generate some more revenue i am accepting new clients. in actuallity at the moment i have 7 slots open.
  
  Should i emphasize my free offer for the fitness system more as well? its a very valuable product that we actually do sell.
  
  my purpose here is to drive traffice to this site locally from ad words and generate clients... do you think im going baout this the right way?
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
  Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[89597].message }}
  
  Tinkerbell 18 years ago
  
  I did a little tweaking, re-writing to the top half of your sales page. I just used your words and put it in a bit better order. Made it more cohesive and smoothed the flow.
  
  .....
  
  Who Else Wants A 100% Guaranteed Way To Build A Lean, Sexy Body...In 12 Weeks Or Less...In Your Very Own Home?
  
  Hi, I'm Joshua Morris and I want to help you feel younger, look better, and get more enjoyment out of life. Iron Strong and our fun, professional staff of personal trainers can get you back on the path to healthy living - right now - and we invite you to start your personal, in-home fitness program FREE!
  
  That's right, you can start immediately, without paying a dime upfront...so you can see for yourself if our training program is right for you. Just fill out the form to your right and we'll contact you to schedule your FREE Fitness analysis and FREE In-home Training session today!
  
  You're gonna absolutely love what our training and fitness programs can do for you. But don't take my word for it. Just look at what these clients have to say about Iron Strong...
  
  .......
  
  I've given some examples for strengthening your bullets below.
  
  .....
  
  Iron Strong systems are designed to be fun and exciting while you:
  
  Tone and tighten your body ...creating a sleeker, sexier you right from the start!
  Lose Weight and Burn Pounds of Body Fat ...get rid of those unsightly bulges and begin to build tone and shape immediately!
  Increase Your Energy ...you'll want to do more because you'll finally feel like you have the energy to do more!
  Increase Your Vitality ...
  Achieve Balance ...
  Improve Stamina ...
  Gain Flexibility ...you'll be moving easier and better than you have in years!
  Feel Younger ...with your new-found energy and increased vitality you'll feel like you've taken years of your life back!
  Live Longer, Up to 14 Years!
  Get Stronger and Build New Self Confidence
  
  After just ONE session with one of our professional personal trainers you will quickly see why our clients achieve their weight loss and fitness goals so quickly...and why we are THE best choice when it comes to your Personal Fitness Training.
  
  Are YOU ready to create a leaner, sexier, healthier you? Here's all you have to do:
  
  Fill in the form below to schedule your FREE Fitness Analysis and FREE In-Home Fitness Consultation and one of our Fitness experts will contact you within 24 hours or less to discuss your health and fitness goals.
  .........
  
  Hope that helps some,
  
  Tina
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Creator/Teacher/Ghostwriter/Designer/Mentor
  --
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[89710].message }}
  
  IRON_STRONG 18 years ago
  
  Thank you, Thats very good. very much appriciated, i will edit this ASAP!
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
  Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[90392].message }}

Zachary R. Skinner

18 years ago

Originally Posted by Justin Mandel

Your going to need to explain how your program (through the internet?) is better than having someone hire a personal trainer and train them in person.

If you can do that you should be able to overcome that question which comes up in my mind.

I agree.

In addition, you may want to adjust your font type and color. I found myself squinting to try to read it. Try 12 point verdana black.

Also, try centering your headline rather than left aligned.

Your headline as is really lacks any "panash." You need to cram as many benefits into the headline as possible, not just state what it is that you're selling.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

"The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do"

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[91165].message }}

Michael Forey 18 years ago

I am not a salespage author and my view is that of an ordianry person.

About half way down, I see this logo on the right side with 4 different credit card logos in it which says cash check credit etc.

However the paragraph just below on the right where I am reading states Fill out the form below to schedule your FREE. I understand only the first one is free but there is no other mention of cost. If you are just trying to get me in for the first time not sure you need the credit card information.

Also I am in St. Pete (close to your area) and have to get to the bottom to see Our fitness and weight loss programs are offered throughout South West Florida, including Sarasota, Venice, Englewood, Rotonda, Pt. Charlotte, North Port and More.

I assume you are only going to target your ad for these locations.

Michael Forey
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[91234].message }}

IRON_STRONG

18 years ago

Any one else have any suggestions?

Thanks

Signature

I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[91136].message }}

IRON_STRONG

18 years ago

Thank you all so much! zach i am going to rework my headline, edite my font and color, and senter the headline as well.

Also i am trying toessentially sell in home personal training, but i am offering a free fitness kit, a free fitness analysis, and a free personal training session for a consultation. The fitness kit is very valuable and so is the fitness anlyisis should i outline thse more?

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[91590].message }}

DavidJohnson 18 years ago

When writing copy you need to keep in mind the objections your target audience has and make sure that you overcome them somewhere in the copy.

This country is full of failed diets and body building programs because most people lack the motivation to stay on task. Have you ever seen Biggest Loser?

Of course you have! If you go and look at their forums you will see people saying things about being able to lose weight only if they had somebody to push them.

Let them know in the copy that you ARE their motivation and you will push them with just the right force to see explosive results.

Also I think some people will balk at the idea of a free session because the fear of Personal Trainers only being for the wealthy and that some buffed salesman will come to their home and bully them into signing up for an expensive service.

Again, keep in mind what the objections are. Let them know that their current support team just isn't doing the job and that the reason why most people fail to get into shape is because they lack a positive cheering section.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[91752].message }}

IRON_STRONG

18 years ago

so in your opinion, would it be better to soft sell the prospects fferinffering the free kit, analysis and session, or just go right out and try to sell them full force on on of my packages?

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[91803].message }}

DavidJohnson 18 years ago

I actually like the approach you're taking but preframe the situation by letting them know that you wont pressure them into buying your services, squash that fear.

Let them know that this is a trial so they can finally see what personal training is all about without having to spend a dime. Then at the end of the session they can decide without pressure if they want to continue.

I would also recommend some sort of secondary response device like an exit pop where they can receive free tips via email. The way its set up now the only way they get freebies is by allowing you to give them a call.

This allows you to build a list of future customers!

I think with a little tweaking this is going to be one hell of a squeeze page.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[92932].message }}

IRON_STRONG

18 years ago

Thank you David, thats very helpful and very motivating. i have reworked my headline and the text and the copy. i am still revising bu tthis is what i have so far, do you or does anyone else have any more input?

www.getstrongtoday.com/personaltraining <-- here is the newly revised page

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[94311].message }}

DavidJohnson 18 years ago

Something I want you to to keep in mind about asking for advice on a forum.

While you will get good advice most of the time, from people that want to help, you still must test everything.

Revise, revise, revise and make your control as powerful as you can then continually test it against other versions. If your control gets beat use the new version and keep testing it.

After reading it again something else caught my eye and it may be a minor point but I don't think I would be doing you justice by NOT bringing it up.

In the first paragraph after the headline it says "...you'd be crazy to hire any personal trainer without first trying a session with us..."

I'm thinking that with the way its worded you're only talking to people that have considered or are considering personal training. What if it was worded like:

Welcome to IRON STRONG. My name is Joshua Morris and if you give me just a few minutes I'll show you why you'd be crazy to start ANY fitness program without first trying a session with one of our professional Personal Fitness Trainers at NO COST whatsoever...

Again this is just an idea and I would recommend going with your gut but I feel written that way it talks to more people.

Good Luck Josh and if I can be of any help whatsoever do not hesitate to ask!
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[94350].message }}

IRON_STRONG

18 years ago

You know i didnt even think about that, thats a great point, you really have a good eye for this sort of thing, i really appriciate your help!

i will deffitnetly re word that part.

I knwo design isnt that big of a deal in the IM world, but in the Fitness world it is, and i dont care what any guru says, in the weightloss industry people want pretty sexy and sleek, do you think my design and layout looks to cluttered or cheezy?

i am marketing to very high class people, very affluent our service is expensive and very exclusive any opinions there?

my coporate site looks very proffesional and sleek i personally like it better what do you or anyone esle think? www.getstrongtoday.com, or the page i have set up now? i can easily a make a template for my lead page to match my coproate site...

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[94426].message }}

DavidJohnson 18 years ago

I like the look of it. I took a look at the site and it looks very professional. Joomla is one great CMS (make sure to change the Favicon next to the Address bar and "welcome to the front page" on the front page).

I would say that it's sleek and sexy and I don't care what the "Gurus" say either design is important, maybe not as important as copy but important none-the-less.

The lead page is looking good and I like the design, I'd sign up if I didn't live in Portland!

Keep in mind Gaze Motion and people tend to follow where pictures point. Its picky again I know but on the right hand side the picture in the middle is looking off the screen.

People tend to look at the top left and then at a downward angle towards the right and right at that woman. Mirror her and have her looking at the headline.

Those are my two cents, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A KILLING!
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[94479].message }}

Captain Dave

18 years ago

I really like the overall look of your site. May I suggest you move your areas served to the top to clarify your offer. Also, as was suggested before, I would flip that middle picture and remove the credit card graphic. Sell later, inform now! You may have difficulty getting a phone number and address from someone on a sales page.
Test different layouts, colors, with or without so much information required and you will know what works best.
Wishing you success.

Captain Dave

Thanks
2 replies

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[94696].message }}

DavidJohnson 18 years ago

You know what, I'll second Captain Dave. Right now you're giving away something free, don't worry about bringing up payment methods, it's a bit confusing.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[95066].message }}
Ronwag 18 years ago

Hi Josh;
My bag is spelling correctly and punctuating. If you are appealing to a so called "upscale" client, you want to have your copy correctly spelled, etc. I'll offer a few thoughts, please don't take offense. I checked your original and revised page and these little errors remained.

1. And Thats Not All... (That's not all is correct) you need to add a ' to make it a contraction for that is.)

2. Your Also going to recieve: (Again your needs a ' and an e to mean you are you're is right
and recieve is misspelled it needs to be received) so we end up with "You're also going to receive" picky? yes but it adds the touch of professionalism to your copy.

3. Thats why our systems are designed to be fun and exciting while you: (same as #2, thats should be that's)

4. How do I know? Simple: Becuase The IRON STRONG team and I have been testing and developing these programs over the last 7 years. (becuase is probably a typo should be because.)

5. And remember, As a Special thank you, if you sign up for your FREE analysis and FREE Private personal training session right now, Im going to extend you my revolutionary, Fitness System - absolutely FREE! ( Im should be I'm) I might say "extend to you my revolutionary, etc.

6. This fitness kit Normally Sells for 197.00, and thats just for the DVD and work book; your also going to recieve a comprehensive fitness analysis, one on one health and fitness Consultation, and one personal training session at NO COST! (that's, you're, and receive)

7. But you have to Hurry: Becuase We Only Have 7 Spaces Availible For Private Clients!
(because)

8. It's an amazing, limited time offer, you dont want to pass by! Get yours today! (don't)

9. This is a limited time offer, we only have 7 Spaces left! You Must act now and get started on the path to a new you before its too late! (it's)

10. P.P.S. There is No obligation; Even if you dont sign up for any of our Cutting Edge fitness services, (don't)

Also, I think that you use a lot of capital letters where they aren't called for, but that's probably not a huge problem.

I wish you success, Josh. Don't get angry with me, I just wanted to be helpful.
You have a very nice site.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[95095].message }}

IRON_STRONG

18 years ago

Hey thank you Ron, very helpful! i really appriciate the grammatical corrections, i am going to rewrite my entire copy, im going to do it in word as well this way i can catch more erros and i will be sure to fix these as well!

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[95133].message }}

Ronwag 18 years ago

Glad I could help, Josh.
Writing in "Microsoft Word" is a great idea, besides the spell checking feature, it can check grammar, and readability, I think. You can set it for 5th grade or other levels to keep it understandable to the majority of readers. I think I read somewhere that newspapers are written at some pretty low level, maybe 5th grade.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[95150].message }}

IRON_STRONG

18 years ago

Hello everyone thank you all for your help, here is the newly revised version of my lead generation page. i will be sending area, and affluency targeted traffice to this page. the offer is private fitness training.

ron, david, jack, tina anyone with advice i very much appricate it!

www.getstrongtoday.com/personaltraining

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[96760].message }}

DavidJohnson 18 years ago

Josh I like it. In fact I like your whole site, it's all very well written.

One thing I would like you to keep in mind is that you MUST split test. You have a good control but your goal should be to beat it, you can change the headline, the bonuses, and/or the P.S.'s.

By doing that you are sure of getting the most out of your copy, nobody has the best the first time around and if somebody out there says they have then they were just too lazy to spit test.

By not split testing you leave money on the table.

Let me know how it's going in the coming weeks and months!
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[97591].message }}

IRON_STRONG

18 years ago

thank you very much, im excited to run my promotions, but im nervous at the same time. this will be the first time i've done any real marketing and advertisment.

like i siad im just trying to give a great quality product and free service at no cost so i can get my foot in the door - if it works out that way , well i can sell pretty much anything, so far in the past year i have missed one sale, the lady just couldnt afford my services at the time, puts my at like 93%

do you think im ready to run some google ad's and news paper ad's and send my letters?

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[97664].message }}

DavidJohnson 18 years ago

Just be careful with the keywords you use on Google ads because you are face-to-face unless you use them to sell your online service.

If you would like somebody to take a look at your letters and newspaper ads I would be more than happy to, so don't hesitate to ask me.

Oh to answer your question... YES YOU ARE READY!

p.s. I sent you an email from your site
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[97679].message }}

IRON_STRONG

18 years ago

email sent David!

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

I am only one, but still i am one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cant do everything I will not refuse to do the something that i can do.
Sarasota Personal Trainers Sarasota Performance Trainers

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[97714].message }}

Justin Harrison 18 years ago

Hi "Iron_Strong"

I admire you putting your page and site to the critique of other members, however it has been my experience that the most qualified people to "critique" your site would be your potential customers (aka target market).

As such I would advise that you go straight to split testing your message and site elements with some targeted traffic from your prospective audience.

The OPINIONS you get here will always be subjective.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[105172].message }}

Could Someone Critique my Leade Page Please?

Trending Topics

Cell Phones : It's Your New TV...

Built my first service business. Now ready to improve and find new ideas.

New Member Here - Looking Forward to Learning and Connecting

I believe in reciprocating

Ever wonder why great things happen to bad people and horrific things happen to good people??