Need Help in Choosing a Headline Please...

29 replies
I've spent the last hour and a half composing a list of headlines for my new product "FB Cash Cow". I've narrowed them down to these 3.

Please let me know which one you find more alluring...


A) You're one step away from unlocking the most powerful, mind
numbing system ever created for establishing an automated
Facebook empire on autopilot. No gimmicks and no fluff
involved! Start today and earn tomorrow.


B) Tired and broke from all the "magic money making" systems
that leave you feeling hollow inside, with nothing more than empty
pockets to show for it? I was too until I accidentally stumbled
across a passive, money sucking loophole
that exploits Facebook fanpages.


C) Discover the sneaky system I use to generate $375 per day,
on autopilot, with a total of 3 hours of work per month. These
secret money milking techniques are so easy to use,
you'll feel guilty using them.
#choosing #headline
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  • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
    Brian is brilliant. I wish I had the knack to be that creative and funny at the same time while delivering a great headline.

    Ugggh! I'm a Neanderthal.

    God Bless, and Merry Christmas!

    ELMO
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    • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
      Originally Posted by elmo033057 View Post

      Brian is brilliant. I wish I had the knack to be that creative and funny at the same time while delivering a great headline.

      Ugggh! I'm a Neanderthal.

      God Bless, and Merry Christmas!

      ELMO
      I wish I had that much graphic design talent... yes, I know that was probably a pretty simple task, but still, more than I have.

      Btw, if you're selling on WF, I'd use #3.

      Edit2: P.S: Brian wasn't joking about the "Suckers" part, lulz
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  • Profile picture of the author Justin012
    All are good but I think people will want to continue reading your sales copy after reading headline #2 because it states clearly right from the start "The Pain" most people experience when try to make money online.

    I think this will this will work much better than the others. That' my opinion though

    Brian's is hilarious! I don't see why that one wouldn't work best either. It definitely screams attention!
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    My sardonic sense of graphical humor seems to be sailing right over my point...

    These headlines are carnival barkers... a very common mistake made by rookies and product creators trying to write their own copy without enough study.

    Strings of jet-propelled "copywritery" words like you're using instantly repel sensible prospects, leaving you with the worst demographic of IM knuckleheads for buyers.

    Prepare your index finger to repeatedly smash the "Issue Refund" button...

    "the most powerful, mind numbing system ever created"

    Mind numbing? Who wants their mind numbed by a make-money opp?

    "an automated Facebook empire on autopilot"

    Followed immediately by...

    "No gimmicks and no fluff involved!"

    The phrase "automated Facebook empire on autopilot" is by definition a gimmick and 100% fluff.

    "Tired and broke from all the "magic money making" systems that leave you feeling hollow inside, with nothing more than empty pockets to show for it?"

    Potentially workable as a pre-head or later in the lead to agitate the problem. As a headline? No.

    "I accidentally stumbled across a passive, money sucking loophole"

    A "passive, money-sucking loophole". Now there's something you don't "accidentally stumble across" every day. Seems legit...

    "Discover the sneaky system I use to generate $375 per day, on autopilot, with a total of 3 hours of work per month."

    Sneaky (minus the buffer of "ethical", "legitimate", "white-hat" or other qualifier) + Income Claim + absurdly small time commitment claim = scammy, spammy, and unbelievable. Would you want Paypal or your merchant account provider's risk assessment team reading this? How about your local Attorney General? Think the FTC would give this a thumbs up?

    "These secret money milking techniques"

    Cheesy but could be made to play off the FB Cash Cow branding - but it doesn't here... it's left to the reader to connect those dots They won't.

    "so easy, you'll feel guilty using them."

    You *might* feel guilty... then immediately reassure with a justification.

    Listen, I get it. It's a MMO offer called FB Cash Cow for gawd's sake.

    Doesn't automatically doom it to purgatory, though.

    Stop trying to write "copywriter" copy and talk to your prospect like a HUMAN BEING.
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    • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
      Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

      These headlines are carnival barkers... a very common mistake made by rookies and product creators trying to write their own copy without enough study.

      Strings of jet-propelled "copywritery" words like you're using instantly repel sensible prospects, leaving you with the worst demographic of IM knuckleheads for buyers.
      Yea, that's why I said, #3 would work great as a WSO.
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  • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
    Ohhhhhhhhh now I get it. Heh-heh.

    I still liked what ya did with the design.

    ELMO
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  • Profile picture of the author grafx77
    Thanks to all who voted on a headline. I truly appreciate it...

    @Brian - I get it. Your a copywriter and I'm not. I realize I open myself up to this sort of criticism when I create a post like this inside the copywriter section of Warrior. You've evidently spent a great deal of time composing your graphic (or using it) which I can appreciate since I have a background in graphic design as well. However, this is the MMO niche were talking about here, which is choked full of these "type" of headlines, and from what I see, seem to work to some extent, judging from sales figures. Most....far worse than the ones I transcribed here.

    I appreciate the breakdown, which uncovered numerous flaws within the headlines, however I also believe many of the criticisms to be "reaching" in the way they were dissected. The way at which you approached each sentence, is one that can be applied to just about any headline (or statement) created for MMO. Some I agree on, others seem like a bit of a stretch.

    What tone would you take in order to reach the MMO audience more "humanly"? I do believe I am speaking to them like a "human being" and "attempting" to push emotional buttons as well.
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Originally Posted by grafx77 View Post


    C) Discover the sneaky system I use to generate $375 per day,
    on autopilot, with a total of 3 hours of work per month. These
    secret money milking techniques are so easy to use,
    you'll feel guilty using them.
    Biz op seekers respond best to specifics, so the headline with numbers in it is your best bet.

    However, the first part of the headline needs three changes:
    1. Add "cents" to the amount
    2. Take out commas
    3. Make it pithier

    "Discover The Sneaky System I Use to Generate $375.00 Per Day On Autopilot Working Only 3 Hours Per Month!"

    The second part of the headline would work better as a subhead, and "you'll feel guilty using them" should be replaced with something compelling.

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author Dmitrius
      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post


      The second part of the headline would work better as a subhead, and "you'll feel guilty using them" should be replaced with something compelling.
      Thank you, Alex. I wanted to make a thread with the same goal to choose a better headline. But there's no need for this now : ))
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod

    MAYBE five minutes in Photoshop, dude...

    Heads up - if you want expert help (for FREE), don't get defensive when you get it.
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  • Profile picture of the author WD Mino
    Sneaky, tactic whatever. don't use stuff like that imo it totally takes away from your offer because it smells like bs immediately.

    How I crank out 375 dollar paychecks all day long and how you can replicate it instantly.
    Instantly start generating real income using this super simple formula


    I will take you by the hand and show you exactly how to make real money, with no list, no website and little to no out of pocket expense.


    In seconds you will be well on your way to generating the real income you want using this really easy and foolproof system

    When writing headlines the toughest thing is getting the right context that will make the reader stop and take notice.Relating the benefit and offer immediately.

    In future when asking for help perhaps it is best to be ready for it, it is not a personal thing it is your salesman and if you come to a place where they specialize in making that salesman sell then listen and learn don't react and get upset because it just burns the bridge. Headlines are the toughest part of the letter to get imo

    Enjoy your Christmas and Merry Christmas to everyone.
    Best,
    -WD
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    "As a man thinks in his heart so is he-Proverbs 23:7"
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
    Brian is right on the money...

    You know when you walk into a furniture store where the sales guys are commissioned and they swarm you like vultures?

    Feels slimy.

    That's what your headlines feel like.

    All fluff, no substance.

    You need to find a hook that you can build your message around.
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  • Profile picture of the author stevet563
    Great stuff guys.
    Like the artwork and humor Brian.

    I just bought the Adweek
    copywriting handbook by Joe Sugarman.

    and Triggers. Trying to learn.
    This was a great thread.
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  • Profile picture of the author CopyMonster
    3 Hours a Month = $375 a Day In The Bank? No Way!

    Discover How A 39 Year Old Housewife from Oregon
    Banks Almost $11,300 a Month
    With Nothing More Than A 5 Year Old Laptop
    And An Internet Connection...
    And The Best Part? It Takes Her Less Than 3 Hours Every Month...

    Just for fun
    Signature
    Scary good...
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    • Profile picture of the author grafx77
      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

      Biz op seekers respond best to specifics, so the headline with numbers in it is your best bet.

      However, the first part of the headline needs three changes:
      1. Add "cents" to the amount
      2. Take out commas
      3. Make it pithier

      "Discover The Sneaky System I Use to Generate $375.00 Per Day On Autopilot Working Only 3 Hours Per Month!"

      The second part of the headline would work better as a subhead, and "you'll feel guilty using them" should be replaced with something compelling.

      Alex
      Thank you Alex! That's just the type of feedback I was looking for.....with tact.


      Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post


      MAYBE five minutes in Photoshop, dude...

      Heads up - if you want expert help (for FREE), don't get defensive when you get it.
      I welcome all constructive feedback and know what to expect from posting a thread like this one. However, there is a right and wrong way of volunteering feedback. You just chose to use the less tactful approach.

      All the other members here have managed to help (with a more positive approach) minus the derogatory tone you used "dude".


      Originally Posted by WD Mino View Post

      Sneaky, tactic whatever. don't use stuff like that imo it totally takes away from your offer because it smells like bs immediately.

      How I crank out 375 dollar paychecks all day long and how you can replicate it instantly.
      Instantly start generating real income using this super simple formula


      I will take you by the hand and show you exactly how to make real money, with no list, no website and little to no out of pocket expense.


      In seconds you will be well on your way to generating the real income you want using this really easy and foolproof system

      When writing headlines the toughest thing is getting the right context that will make the reader stop and take notice.Relating the benefit and offer immediately.

      In future when asking for help perhaps it is best to be ready for it, it is not a personal thing it is your salesman and if you come to a place where they specialize in making that salesman sell then listen and learn don't react and get upset because it just burns the bridge. Headlines are the toughest part of the letter to get imo

      Enjoy your Christmas and Merry Christmas to everyone.
      Best,
      -WD

      WOW! Very useful and excellent tips Mino. Thank you! I will make note of this...

      BTW, anyone would get a little disturbed over the way Brian handled his volunteer criticism. Like I stated above, there is a right and wrong way of volunteering feedback. Everyone else on this thread (including yourself) has been extremely kind and helpful. I would have been better off without his comments and learned nothing from them.


      Originally Posted by CopyMonster View Post

      3 Hours a Month = $375 a Day In The Bank? No Way!

      Discover How A 39 Year Old Housewife from Oregon
      Banks Almost $11,300 a Month
      With Nothing More Than A 5 Year Old Laptop
      And An Internet Connection...
      And The Best Part? It Takes Her Less Than 3 Hours Every Month...

      Just for fun
      Thank you so much for the rewritten headline CopyMonster! Very enticing to say the least!
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      • Profile picture of the author BudaBrit
        Originally Posted by grafx77 View Post

        However, there is a right and wrong way of volunteering feedback. You just chose to use the less tactful approach.

        All the other members here have managed to help (with a more positive approach) minus the derogatory tone you used "dude".



        BTW, anyone would get a little disturbed over the way Brian handled his volunteer criticism. Like I stated above, there is a right and wrong way of volunteering feedback. Everyone else on this thread (including yourself) has been extremely kind and helpful. I would have been better off without his comments and learned nothing from them.
        Maybe you should stop and think whether you're going to trust the words of 100 WF posters parroting your own viewpoint or the 1 expert source (backed up by another) who tells you you're wrong.

        I know I'd take Brian's advice, no matter how he presented it. Do you know why? Because he knows what he's talking about and has the credentials to back it up.
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        • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
          Originally Posted by BudaBrit View Post

          Maybe you should stop and think whether you're going to trust the words of 100 WF posters parroting your own viewpoint or the 1 expert source (backed up by another) who tells you you're wrong.

          I know I'd take Brian's advice, no matter how he presented it. Do you know why? Because he knows what he's talking about and has the credentials to back it up.
          Yea, really they all suck. I was mostly joking when I said #3... playing off Brian's "knucklehead" comment (I also lol'd at that). I do think #3 is the best of those three, but really, they're all pretty terribad. I'd just hire a Copywriter to do it, at least the headline.
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  • Profile picture of the author shauntao214
    #3 is the best for me cause it has a lot of pull once you are reading it. Also personally I feel more secure on the way you constructed the statement #3 cause you haven't mention obvious marketing words you used in the first 2.

    Keep it simple. And that's number 3.
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  • Profile picture of the author ezeonlinebiz
    I will go with #1 cos it's very compelling and not over hyped.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    BTW, anyone would get a little disturbed over the way Brian handled his volunteer criticism. Like I stated above, there is a right and wrong way of volunteering feedback.
    Toughen up, fragile flower. You're making this personal - it's not.

    You're supposed to be a direct marketer... a paid advertising champion. Get a grip.

    In a headline, every word, every comma, needs to earn its place. Going through the copy with the eye of your most skeptical prospect is a necessary part of the process.

    Do you want to make money with this offer or not?

    I would have been better off without his comments and learned nothing from them.
    <stomps feet, runs off to bedroom, slamming door behind>

    For somebody who's been around here since 2006 you're acting like a petulant noob.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    So... You're here for a pat on the back and an attaboy?

    Personally I'd rather know it sucks than waste time and money letting it fly. Blunt truth is a million times better than uninformed ass kissing.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      They look like they came out of the world of porn
      where length is prized.

      Not so in creating a positive response in your ads.

      If you have to resort to using adjectives in your headline
      and the body, you are moving into the dark side of desperation.

      Ever bought from a desperate person?

      How did it make you feel when you met a desperate person?

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
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      • Profile picture of the author RichBeck
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        They look like they came out of the world of porn
        where length is prized.
        Ewen,

        Too funny.......

        I would have to agree....

        If you have to focus on ANY headline.... It is too long....

        In this case, the readers will simply click away....

        All The Best,

        Rich Beck
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  • Profile picture of the author VinceA
    I wouldn't use any of them. None of these headlines are believable.

    I understand it's the MMO niche, but your headlines are going to put people on high guard.

    Here's a simple conditional headline off the top of my head...

    If You've Got 3 Hours A Month, I'll Show You How You Can Make $375 A Day With Facebook. Tweak and improve it but that's the general idea.

    By using a conditional headline it'll bypass their 'This is BS' response which is exactly what I was thinking when I read all of them.

    Of course make sure your product actually delivers, if not change the time frame and the income claim.
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    • Profile picture of the author NickC
      Originally Posted by VinceA View Post

      If You've Got 3 Hours A Month, I'll Show You How You Can Make $375 A Day With Facebook. Tweak and improve it but that's the general idea.
      How about:

      "If You've Got 3 Hours A Month, I'll Show You
      How You Can Make $375 A Day With Facebook
      Working From Starbucks In Your Underpants"

      Now we're talking.
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      • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
        Originally Posted by NickC View Post

        How about:

        "If You've Got 3 Hours A Month, I'll Show You
        How You Can Make $375 A Day With Facebook
        Working From Starbucks In Your Underpants"

        Now we're talking.
        Lol...

        "The sign said "No shirt, no shoes, no services... it never said anything about pants."
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  • Profile picture of the author joelemond
    # 3 sounds good to me
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  • Profile picture of the author ProServices
    No. 3 caught my attention and can see it doing well. Dollar figures just tend to make people take notice.
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