Looking for critiques on this sales page

17 replies
Hi all,

Today I wrote my first sales page and I was wondering if you pros would be kind enough to provide your thoughts and improvements?

It's kinda plain looking and there's something I'm not entirely happy with about that, but that may or may not be an issue outside of my own mind.

Anyway, I'm trying to fit into my fire-proof suit to get ready, so don't hold back!

Removing Sweat Stains

#critiques #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    I personally don't think there's a market for this product, could be wrong though.

    I can buy a stick of deodorant and a bottle of bleach for less than $14, problem solved.

    The copy definitely needs work, but I think the product is the real problem... If anyone disagrees feel free to correct me.


    Over $30 Million In Marketing Data And A Decade Of Consistently Generating Breakthrough Results - Ask How My Unique Approach To Copy Typically Outsells Traditional Ads By Up To 29x Or More...

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    • Profile picture of the author cheeze69
      I guess that's one thing I need to make more obvious: Bleach can actually make the problem worse and deodorant is part of the problem creating the stains. I can make these points more obvious.

      But anyway, you may be right that there's little or no market for this.

      Might as well learn though. Like everyone says, action is better than no action
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      • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
        Originally Posted by cheeze69 View Post

        Might as well learn though. Like everyone says, action is better than no action
        Exactly... And don't take my word as the gospel... I have done zero research on this niche... Just because I don't have problems with it doesn't mean there aren't plenty of people who do.

        My gut tells me it's going to be a tough sell though. And there's not much of a back end for something like this. I'd love to see you prove me wrong though. Seriously.

        Good luck,


        Over $30 Million In Marketing Data And A Decade Of Consistently Generating Breakthrough Results - Ask How My Unique Approach To Copy Typically Outsells Traditional Ads By Up To 29x Or More...

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      • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
        Originally Posted by cheeze69 View Post

        I guess that's one thing I need to make more obvious: Bleach can actually make the problem worse and deodorant is part of the problem creating the stains. I can make these points more obvious.

        But anyway, you may be right that there's little or no market for this.

        Might as well learn though. Like everyone says, action is better than no action

        You got the post of the day in my book.

        Action is better than no action. You have to fail to succeed!.

        Take care,

        Bill Jeffels
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    If this is your first sales letter and you wrote it in one day then
    you have a lot of promise as a copywriter. The letter has a good
    flow, transitions and structure. That's a lot to get right in a
    first letter.

    Some suggestions:

    1. The contrast in the stained and clean shirt is not strong enough.
    2. Don't try to be fancy by using yellow colors in your headline.
    3. Of course you need some testimonials.
    4. Use credit card logos under buy button.
    5. Use some teaser bullet points to talk about your 'secret' ingredients.
    6. Don't forget your name and signature and address etc.
    7. Center your sub-heads.

    -Ray Edwards

    P.S. We might be looking at the new Billy Mays here!
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author cheeze69
    Thanks for the tips and confidence, Ray. That comment is encouraging, coming from one of the Big Guys around here

    Anyway, I took about 2 hours today to write the sales letter, including going back and formatting with underlining/etc. and hacking the html a bit. I probably should have refined the sales letter more before coming here, so you all could concentrate in the small stuff rather than the glaring issues, but I'm excited to actually be *doing something*!

    I figure that even if the product doesn't work (it took me about 3 hours last weekend to write it), it's a good vehicle to learn from.

    I write pretty conversationally, and people telling me so is what has made me interested in copywriting. At some point, I hope to get with a mentor as that will speed my learning.

    I think I'm going to try to make a checklist of sorts, just so I can go-over things and not have to try to remember everything as I'm rather forgetful these days I know that there's no "form" that always works with copywriting, but the checklist would make a good reminder system.

    Also, thanks to Scott and Bill so far also -- I'm here for all types of feedback, so keep it coming.

    Mike (aka. Hopefully the next Billy Mays )
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I tend to agree that there may not be a market for this product... as it stands. I'd guess that most people with sweat stains will feel the garment has served its purpose and get rid of it.

    But if your product does what you say there is probably another way to market it. You might want to do a little research to learn what kind demand there might be for other applications of the product. How about restoring old yellow lace, wedding or prom gowns, I don't know what else it might be good for but with a little checking you might come up with a killer application. There's no doubt that stain removal products are in demand so maybe your first order of business is to figure out where that demand lies. Good Luck!

    P.S. Oh, by the way, this stuff is also great for getting rid of those pesky yellow armpit stains!
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  • Profile picture of the author redfc
    Hi cheeze69,

    I had a friend with heavy sweat and cause stains to white shirts, he changed all his clothing to darker color and that was many years back.

    In my opinion, my friend don't see this as problem desperate enough for him to find a solution over the internet.

    Just some sharing.
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  • Profile picture of the author cheeze69
    Thanks for the continuing input everyone!

    I'll probably make some changes tonight or tomorrow night (stupid day job...)

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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    I think you need to push the emotional benefit more than the logical one. "Stop Looking Like a Sweat Hog!"

    Also, you need to combine this with about 10 other reports or sell for much less.

    I used to have this prob while doing lots of renovations, then I discovered the true secret, BUY BLACK SHIRTS! :-)
    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Nice "gross out" letter, actually. I found the imagery
    repugnant, even though I don't sweat heavily and if a
    shirt gets stained it turns into a gardening/painting shirt
    and eventually a rag.

    I dunno if there is a market either, like some folks here
    say. If there is I would go the internet-infomercial
    route (easy for me to say because I have the skills to
    do them).

    Your problem may not be the letter so much as finding
    the people who are freaked out by the problem enough to
    seek a solution.

    You might try running demographically-targeted banners
    on MySpace to people you think might have the sort of
    lifestyles that lead to sweat-stains.
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould

    Loren and Raydal have nailed this for
    you, listen very closely to their advice.

    One thing I would add- the photos at
    the top of the page are pretty poor.

    The lighting is terrible - maybe take
    a couple of shots against a white
    background outside?

    If you take the time to have great
    shots on your page, people are
    more likely to take the time to actually
    buy from you.

    Good luck

    -David Raybould
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Hyperhydrosis (and hyperhidrosis, both get tons of searches).

    Clean up the page and make the offer more DRTV like (think Mighty Putty).

    Pain/Pleasure, Before/After...

    Reach out to all the "stop sweating" merchants and JV.


    Good luck,

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  • Hi Mike,

    First, I appreciate your efforts on writing your first letter. Great ideas. I trust with time you will develop the copywriting skill by sticking with it.

    Next, who is your market? Just to let you know (I am a copywriter, certified hypnotist and a brain dialog researcher) your copy is directed to a man. Is that who you want to buy your product?

    Tyipcally, from a brain view, men are interested in power words and women are interested in relationship oriented words. When you extensively belabor your copy about how gross the problem is, you are keeping that idea into the consciousness of the reader instead of getting to the solution pretty fast. You might consider rewriting the copy to get to the power solution faster if you are hoping a man will buy this product.

    But, men, from a neurological brain processing view, will typically do what's most convenient for them. They would not really care about the stains. They would (like some guys already said in some other posts) do what's most convenient for them. They would just wear darker shirts. If somebody criticized them for wearing yellow stained clothing, they would probably say something like, "So what?"

    Women might care about the yellow stain but more likely would turn the clothing into a rag or wear it just for painting or gardening perhaps.

    I tend to agree with some of the other posters. The market for this may be really slim. But, if I were writing the copy, I would write it to a woman who would probably be more interested in looking fresh and clean and thinking that would maintain an important relationship somehow.

    If you are insistant on selling it, I would re-work the copy to talk with a perfectionist woman who must have everything exactly perfect in her outfits. Talk about the benefits to her of doing that. And, I would offer it with a complementary laundry product, too.

    Hope this is helpful for you.
    Astounding Writing Coach
    Astounding Writing Coach
    Why do personal development, self-help, natural wellness and hypnosis small business owners regularly hire me for my engaging, intuitive, creative content writing skills? Because that's what I passionately do best.
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  • Profile picture of the author cheeze69
    Thanks again for everyone since my last post.

    I'm not insistent on selling this particular product (rule #1, right? don't get attached to the product). I figured it was a sort of low-hanging fruit that wouldn't take a ton of time to create and at the very least, could be used for me to do a bit of practice writing for. Even if it never sells a single copy, it may still end-up being worth something to my skills.

    I think the largest problem I've had getting motivated is picking/creating the product. I've been sitting on the sidelines wanting to do something but never finding a product (perhaps a limitation of my own creativity!)

    Hence this wacky product was born when I looked for a solution online and didn't find anything. People say to just pay someone to write a product for you, but until I feel confident selecting products which are likely to win, I don't have the cash to spend hundreds/thousands on that service.

    Interesting stuff about the psychology... I was actually trying to avoid appealing to just men or women, figuring that these days, it's not just women doing laundry in many households. I guess that by straddling the fence, I may actually end-up not appealing to either -- at least as appealing at this unappealing product is...

    Anyway, thanks again - I'll probably pull the page tonight and work on it a bit, perhaps to re-emerge this weekend when I get a good solid block of time to work on it.

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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Maybe you can find some laundry whitening product (like
    those "pucks" you throw in the wash), something with
    a brand-name people search for... then SELL that on
    Ebay or even with their affiliate program (lots of infomercials
    have affiliate programs and people DO search for the
    products by name).

    Then your product (and maybe some other information
    stuff like PD books or PLR you can get cheap) become
    your bonus.

    There. You find the market, give them what they were
    looking for, and capture the lion's share of sales because
    you've got a nice bonus and a good letter selling it.

    Hope that helps you out.
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  • Profile picture of the author artwebster
    Hi, Cheeze69,

    It's good that you are not married to the product but there are peripherals that you might address.

    Yellow staining is not the result of sweating, it is the result of sweating while wearing any sort of deoderant.

    I suffer from an inability of my body to regulate its temperature effectively and one product that many people like me have been searching for is NOT how to get rid of stains but how to prevent the sweat in the first place. The major problem we have is salt rings on clothes - and they wash out in cold water (come to think of it, I've seldom seen a yellow stain).

    I believe I am in what is called a 'hungry' market and I am sure that you could deluge it with different products, making slightly different claims and have a good conversion rate every time. The fact that you have addressed your sales page to men is an advantage in this market because it is mainly men who have the problem.

    I am not a marketer and have created my own solution but there are, literally, millions of young men out there who would love to know how to reduce their sweating - believe me, the medical options are not very effective and can be unpleasant (that's if the doctor even takes you seriously).

    Create a similar sales letter addressed to sweaty people and you will probably have a winner.

    Another niche related to this subject is in the health arena - many people who sweat heavily are generally in poor health and often have to recourse to adhesives (plasters &c) - the savings that could be presented to these people can be enormous. (As an example, I use adhesive discs that cost about $23 a go without a prescription - on a really bad day I might have to use 5 of them).

    You might not like what I say - but I believe it.
    Build it, make money, then build some more
    Some old school smarts would help - and here's to Rob Toth for his help. Bloody good stuff, even the freebies!

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