Review my sales page

by ericnyc 7 replies
This is my first attempt at selling on the internet.

Please let me know how i can improve.

Also, do you think i should include the price on the main page or only on checkout screen?

Thank you

PS this is my first post so it will not let me post the link the "normal" way

independentcomputerconsultant,com
#copywriting #page #review #sales
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    It's unlikely to succeed in it's present form. Lot of work
    to be done here - layout, focus, benefits, style. If
    you must write your own copy due to being broke try
    to track down some of the books mentioned in the sticky
    thread at the top of this forum. They'll help you get
    your mind around what copy must achieve and how
    far better than the kind nudges and cherrypicking of
    selective free critiques by forum gadflys.

    You could hire a pro, as another option.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    Originally Posted by ericnyc View Post

    This is my first attempt at selling on the internet.

    Please let me know how i can improve.

    Also, do you think i should include the price on the main page or only on checkout screen?

    Thank you

    PS this is my first post so it will not let me post the link the "normal" way

    independentcomputerconsultant,com
    Hi Ericnyc,

    Loren gave you some good advice there, be sure to follow that. I'm going to give you the basic copy structure.


    Top computer consultant reveals!...




    "How To Get A Lucrative Consultant
    Job With A Booming Fortune
    500 Company"

    Computer consultants are in high
    demand I reveal how you can get the
    best jobs easily




    Dear friend

    Did you know that major forune 500 companies are on a hiring spree for independant computer consultants?. Yes, it's true and there is alot of money that can be made... ETC...ETC...ETC...

    You need a story, benefits and get them to desire what it is that you are selling.

    Take care,

    Bill Jeffels
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    • Profile picture of the author Richard Kent
      Yes, that´s it. Write a sales letter under the steps used to build it. There are a lot of examples in blogs on internet. Type "structure of sales letter" for example.
      And don´t forget to give testimonials.

      Richard Kent
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    I learned a lot from this free ebook: http://myws.sitesell.com/MYWS!.pdf

    It gives a good formula of sorts that will have you smacking your head saying, "Why could I have not found this before writing anything?"

    As far as what you have there now.

    1) Lose the header totally. It does nothing for your sale/brand.
    2) Lose all the font color changes etc. You will read about it in that book.
    3) You need a USP to set you apart from the million other products like this. (again described in that book.
    4) Lastly, you have to answer your target customer's questions, the main one being, "How Can You Help Me With This Product?" and "How Much?"

    Read that book and start from scratch.
    Signature
    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author ericnyc
    Thank you for feedback.

    I made several updates, please let me know what you think i can improve.

    Not sure about using only one font, most sales pages i saw use different fonts.


    independentcomputerconsultant.com
    Signature

    No affiliate links in sig files

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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    Loren gave you some great advice... Particularly...

    Lot of work
    to be done here - layout, focus, benefits, style.
    I haven't read the page... Your header is going to kill you. It's taking up prime real estate and serving NO purpose at all. You get 10 seconds to wrap them in, they've already wasted 5 staring at the header.

    Your entire layout is REALLY bad. Even if you have the best copy in the world, no one is going to risk going blind straining their eyes to read it.

    I'm not reading it, it gives me a headache to look at. Fix the layout and then ask for a critique.

    No offense, but it's unreadable and critiquing the actual copy is just a waste of time until you fix it.

    -Scott
    Signature

    Over $30 Million In Marketing Data And A Decade Of Consistently Generating Breakthrough Results - Ask How My Unique Approach To Copy Typically Outsells Traditional Ads By Up To 29x Or More...

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  • Profile picture of the author Steve Faber
    Definitely lose the header. It is a waste of space and not any help to you either from a attention grabbing or SEO perspective.

    In addition, it depends on weather you are targeting existing consultants or computer professionals who are not yet consultants.

    Maybe something like:

    Attention Computer Professionals!

    How Would You Like to Double Your Income?

    Imagine, increasing your income, working when you want to, and never having to deal with that same old office environment again.

    Wouldn't you like to leave behind your boss, all those ridiculous corporate policies, and start making more money on your terms, instead of theirs?



    Just a few ideas.
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    For Killer Marketing Tips that Will Grow Your Business Follow Me on Twitter Now
    After all, you're probably following a few hundred people already that aren't doing squat for you.....
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