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Critique my landing / sales page

by svetlana22m
6 replies
Hello. I am selling a whole-foods cleanse to revitalize hormone system and would love to get some feedback on my sales page.
Anything I can do to improve?

Hormone Health Program

Thank you!
#critique #landing #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
    Svetlana the first sale you have to make is getting the prospect to give you their attention and you do not do that.

    The second sale you need to make is for the prospect to keep on reading and even if you think you do that, once the reader gets to 'love your thyroid again' you will have lost them because how many people in the world feel that way.

    Overall the site looks like it was written by someone who is trying really hard to make a sales page, but this page will not likely make sales.

    Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Andy The Copywriter
    It's too bland and uninspired to sell. Nothing grabs the reader's attention. It's obvious that no "passion" or "mojo" went into writing this copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Run it through this:
    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html

    It'll help solve the problems.

    Try again.
    Signature

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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  • Profile picture of the author carlo_sim
    Fix your headline - it should get the attention of your audience

    then fix your graphics

    Use a split testing software or program

    check google and type in "split testing softwares or programs"

    test, test, test
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Originally Posted by svetlana22m View Post

    Hello. I am selling a whole-foods cleanse to revitalize hormone system and would love to get some feedback on my sales page.
    Anything I can do to improve?

    Hormone Health Program

    Thank you!
    If you're going to autoplay your video...

    1) Put it above the fold. That way they know what they hell is happening right away and they have the benefit of the visual to keep them engaged. Right now, it's like a digital ambush.
    2) Make sure they hear a human voice immediately. I've seen autoplay work awesome for some people and horrible for others. In almost every case, the difference was in how soon a person started talking.

    Radio stations learned long ago, from testing, that people are more likely to stay tuned if they hear a human voice, whether it's singing or talking. That's why they train Disc Jockeys to talk over musical intros, right up to the time the singer comes in.

    Frankly, I used to find it annoying that they do that, but I listen to the radio to hear music, not the DJs. Someone landing on a site like this doesn't want to hear music. They want to hear that they're in the right place and that there's something worth sticking around for.
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  • Profile picture of the author italk
    As others pointed out, the copy is weak.

    Let me know if you are looking for someone
    at a reasonable cost to rewrite your copy.

    Would love to help you!
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