Can you pro's critique my sales letter?

18 replies
I'm going to be sending letters to develop warm leads for my business so I want to get the most bang for my buck and at the same time use this for testing purposes. Thanks!!

#critique #letter #pro #sales
  • Profile picture of the author BudaBrit
    Seriously. Write down that headline. Then read it. Does it make any sense to you? It sure doesn't to me.

    Oh, and your first sentence is 4 lines long!!!
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  • Profile picture of the author WD Mino
    Just because your letter is so terrible and people help me, maybe this will help a bit

    Here is a little something I just wrote. Feel free to do whatever with it. This is a very tough sale. I wish you success.

    Discover the one simple method your competition is using to, Steal your Customers away and how you can stop them dead in their tracks.


    Hi, it's super amazing answer guy here.

    I won't waste a second of your time. I developed a system I am positive based on numerous results, will increase your ROI and decrease your CPC significantly and I am willing to prove it to you for free.

    If you are one of the first 10 businesses to act right now, you will gain a massive edge over your advertising costs and your competition. This letter is being sent to all of the businesses in your niche so don't wait a second more.

    Here's what to do:

    Call me to book an appointment and even if you don't use my service, you will have a new tool in your arsenal that is fast and easy and WILL increase your foot traffic from day one. Don't take my word for it I will personally come and in 10 minutes I can show you exactly how to do it.

    You lose nothing and stand to gain substantially from this valuable information so don't waste a second more. Call me right now and let's make it happen for you together.

    Remember this is limited to the first 10 businesses, so it is in your best interest to respond right away to ensure you secure a spot.
    I look forward to speaking soon.
    -Super amazing answer guy.
    Phone
    Address
    Credentials(if any)

    Best,
    -WD
    Signature

    "As a man thinks in his heart so is he-Proverbs 23:7"
    Coming Soon http://graphicsdon.com

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    • Profile picture of the author ivanela33
      Originally Posted by WD Mino View Post

      Just because your letter is so terrible and people help me, maybe this will help a bit

      Here is a little something I just wrote. Feel free to do whatever with it. This is a very tough sale. I wish you success.

      Discover the one simple method your competition is using to, Steal your Customers away and how you can stop them dead in their tracks.


      Hi, it's super amazing answer guy here.

      I won't waste a second of your time. I developed a system I am positive based on numerous results, will increase your ROI and decrease your CPC significantly and I am willing to prove it to you for free.

      If you are one of the first 10 businesses to act right now, you will gain a massive edge over your advertising costs and your competition. This letter is being sent to all of the businesses in your niche so don't wait a second more.

      Here's what to do:

      Call me to book an appointment and even if you don't use my service, you will have a new tool in your arsenal that is fast and easy and WILL increase your foot traffic from day one. Don't take my word for it I will personally come and in 10 minutes I can show you exactly how to do it.

      You lose nothing and stand to gain substantially from this valuable information so don't waste a second more. Call me right now and let's make it happen for you together.

      Remember this is limited to the first 10 businesses, so it is in your best interest to respond right away to ensure you secure a spot.
      I look forward to speaking soon.
      -Super amazing answer guy.
      Phone
      Address
      Credentials(if any)

      Best,
      -WD
      Thanks for your sample...it actually read much easier than my letter. It gets to the point and it tells the reader exactly what to do.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Unfortunately you posted an image and I don't have the patience to go back and forth rereading it to provide an in-depth critique. Just an FYI for future requests - if I can't C&P, I can't break it down.

    Overall notes:

    1) Hiring someone as your headline? Sounds like money. I'm gone. An employee to boot? If I'm not actually in the market to hire someone, I'm more than gone. If you want to be hired as a consultant, DO NOT use the word employee.

    2) $395 for 30-60 days' worth of work? My BS detector is screaming. What industry are you applying for, Hollywood?

    3) Way too many bolded/italicized/different colored words and phrases. If you deleted everything from your letter except what's in bold, the part that's left should still tell a clear story from start to finish.

    4) I don't need to see shit. Don't tell me what I need.

    5) What's a field exclusive and why is it in sarcastic quotes? Why does the early bird cliche have anything to do with this? What the hell are loyalty cards (because some business owners don't actually know what they are) and why do I care?

    This is a ground up rewrite, man.
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    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author ivanela33
      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      Unfortunately you posted an image and I don't have the patience to go back and forth rereading it to provide an in-depth critique. Just an FYI for future requests - if I can't C&P, I can't break it down.

      Overall notes:

      1) Hiring someone as your headline? Sounds like money. I'm gone. An employee to boot? If I'm not actually in the market to hire someone, I'm more than gone. If you want to be hired as a consultant, DO NOT use the word employee.

      2) $395 for 30-60 days' worth of work? My BS detector is screaming. What industry are you applying for, Hollywood?

      3) Way too many bolded/italicized/different colored words and phrases. If you deleted everything from your letter except what's in bold, the part that's left should still tell a clear story from start to finish.

      4) I don't need to see shit. Don't tell me what I need.

      5) What's a field exclusive and why is it in sarcastic quotes? Why does the early bird cliche have anything to do with this? What the hell are loyalty cards (because some business owners don't actually know what they are) and why do I care?

      This is a ground up rewrite, man.
      I wasn't too sure on my headline...I wanted to catch the reader's attention but you're right in that it will probably turn them off immediately as soon as they they see money and employee. My intent for the $395 was to highlight how cheap it can be to have something working for them 24/7 for 30-60 days but obviously this is not clear...

      I definitely need to remove the quotes and operationalize "field exlusive" better.

      Thanks for the constructive feedback!! Very insightful..
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      • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
        Originally Posted by ivanela33 View Post

        I wasn't too sure on my headline...I wanted to catch the reader's attention but you're right in that it will probably turn them off immediately as soon as they they see money and employee. My intent for the $395 was to highlight how cheap it can be to have something working for them 24/7 for 30-60 days but obviously this is not clear...

        I definitely need to remove the quotes and operationalize "field exlusive" better.

        Thanks for the constructive feedback!! Very insightful..
        I won't work for 6 hours for $395, let alone 60 days.

        Most reputable business owners understand this - you need to make a living wage.

        With no specifics, it really just sounds like you're either super cheap, super inexperienced, or both. Why so cheap? What comes with that? There are people out there who will assume since you said 60 days' worth of time, that will assume they have access to you 24/7. And they will RIP on you if you try to clarify and ask them to be reasonable after the fact.

        Your copy needs to be customer focused and answer the following:
        Why this?
        Why me?
        Why you?
        Why now?

        Answer that as clearly as possible before you start your next draft. Why do they need this? Why should THEY buy it? Why should they buy it from YOU? And why do they need to act now?
        Signature

        Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    Originally Posted by ivanela33 View Post

    I'm going to be sending letters to develop warm leads for my business so I want to get the most bang for my buck and at the same time use this for testing purposes. Thanks!!

    No one is going to book an appointment with you if they don't know what they're in for... It could be something so foolish that it's a waste of time... Or something they've tried before... You have to tell people a little more about your product or service.

    And stuff like "You need to see this" and "!!!!" is cheesy. Imagine if convincing people was that easy!... Instead, it has the opposite effect: skepticism.
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  • Profile picture of the author mr_banks
    When I read that letter I'm confused. I'm not sure what it is that you're offering. There is no clear offer of what you're selling and I have no idea what your business is. Mostly is sounds like pie-in-the-sky black box type of stuff.

    If you're going to write copy you should understand a concept called: Willingness to consider.

    This concept should be thought about from the perspective of the person reading your letter and an understanding that before this person has granted your their willingness to consider your offer, you have very little of their precious time to get them excited about what you're offering. Before they read your letter they will scan it looking for things that "speak to them".

    If your letter says the right things and they are willing to hear you out or are willing to consider. Then you have just bought yourself more of their time paying attention to your letter.

    The reason I'm saying all this is because of what @angiecolee said in her comment: "My BS detector is sreaming".

    And I agree with her. Your letter screams of BS. It's vague and aloof with no real offer or clarity as to what your offering or any real benefits to the person reading the letter. Without these things you will not get the readers willingness to consider your offer.

    I'd go back and work on your offer more before you start writing the sales copy.

    You want to enter the conversation that's already going on in your prospects heads'. I can guarantee you that not a single one is thinking about hiring an employee they don't need but will deliver some mysterious results to their business in an unknown secret way.

    I'll close with this. Everyone of your marketing pieces should have 5 elements to it (sometimes it's just not possible to have all 5 but more often than not if your think a little harder about your piece you can find a way to get all of them in there).

    1. An irresistible offer.
    2. Testimonials to overcome objections.
    3. Deadline.
    4. Call to action with a response mechanism.
    5. A guarantee.

    Work on coming with really good ideas for all 5 of those before you start writing your copy and you'll find the copy is easier to write and you'll get better response from your letters.
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  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    To the O.P. -- just curious -- did you read up on copywriting principles before you drafted your letter?
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    • Profile picture of the author ivanela33
      Originally Posted by splitTest View Post

      To the O.P. -- just curious -- did you read up on copywriting principles before you drafted your letter?

      Just some basic principles but this is my first attempt at writing a sales letter so I wanted to use it as a way to practice but is seems that I'm going to have to do a compete remake of it.
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  • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
    Ivanella33,

    I think you did a pretty good job on your first attempt at writing copy. I mean, the stuff these kind folks are telling you is good advice, but don't get discouraged.

    I just pulled out a copy of the first piece I ever wrote. Far worse than what you wrote here, so keep at it and learn as much as you can about writing copy, because it is the factor that will get your products and services sold.

    God Bless,
    ELMO
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  • Profile picture of the author WD Mino
    Elmo is right, I am far from a pro, but, I have consistently been trying and that is also why I try to help others it is good practice for me. You can and will improve if you keep trying.
    Thanks for the comment I hope you find your way to success.

    Best,
    -WD
    Signature

    "As a man thinks in his heart so is he-Proverbs 23:7"
    Coming Soon http://graphicsdon.com

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  • 1) The headline isn't clear. What does "bring you new business" mean? Does it mean actual closed sales? Does it mean warm leads, or perhaps even cold leads?

    2) The offer is a bit hard to believe. Who is going to work 60 days for $395? Even digital secretaries in the Philippines usually charge over $500 a month, and the work they're doing is WAY less advanced than "bringing in new business."

    3) The formatting is way over the top. You do realize that the purpose of emphasis is to, y'know, emphasize things, right? Your current letter has almost every word underlined, bolded or italicized... It's obvious that whoever wrote this doesn't understand the purpose of emphasis.

    4) Where's the hook? Where's the "big idea" that interrupts the reader's patterns and gets them to pay attention? I see literally nothing.

    Just my thoughts.

    Sorry if it comes off as harsh but I don't see your current copy generating results... If it even gets read at all.
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  • Profile picture of the author WD Mino
    Hey Ivanela,

    Listen, having to re write the content is not a reflection on you.
    If you knew how many times I have had to rewrite stuff, it would make you sick, it does me LOL
    Don't let it bother you, for a first attempt it is a good try. The reality is the only sales letter that is good, is the one that works and even then constant tweaking etc is needed.

    I have learned from some of the very best in the world and I struggle. So don't let it bother you, the more you practice the better you will get and then you will still have to rewrite stuff, You have done something a very great deal of people don't, you have taken action. Keep going you can do it.
    -WD
    Signature

    "As a man thinks in his heart so is he-Proverbs 23:7"
    Coming Soon http://graphicsdon.com

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    • Profile picture of the author ivanela33
      Originally Posted by WD Mino View Post

      Hey Ivanela,

      Listen, having to re write the content is not a reflection on you.
      If you knew how many times I have had to rewrite stuff, it would make you sick, it does me LOL
      Don't let it bother you, for a first attempt it is a good try. The reality is the only sales letter that is good, is the one that works and even then constant tweaking etc is needed.

      I have learned from some of the very best in the world and I struggle. So don't let it bother you, the more you practice the better you will get and then you will still have to rewrite stuff, You have done something a very great deal of people don't, you have taken action. Keep going you can do it.
      -WD
      thanks for your words of encouragement. I will take a few days to brush up on suggestions given and on a copywriting principles, then I'll re-write the letter again. I'll be back with a hopefully improved sales letter!
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  • Profile picture of the author pstonik
    "How would you like to hire an employee"

    They wouldn't.

    For a lot of small business owners, hiring people is far and above their worst favorite thing to do. They hate it... and now they hate you too.
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  • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
    This is a wash-out. It's confusing, hyped, semi-blind, with no proof, no desire, and no slippery slide. I doubt many would get past the first few words of the headline. You really need a copywriter to write it, or learn yourself. Invest some time reading two or three books recommended in the stickies, and you'll be way ahead of where you are now.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author pstonik
    I just read past the first line... You say "the only form of marketing guaranteed to pay for itself" and then make NO GUARANTEE the marketing will pay for itself.
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