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New Guy asking for some advice on my Landing Page

by davidshelver
22 replies
Hey Guys

First off let me saym as a newbie on warrior forum, I am just blown away by the wealth of knowledge and expertise that is present here. I am eager to get up to speed ASAP and learn as much as possible from you guys.

With that in mind could you please give me some advice on a landing page I have created for a detox program. www.detox-diet-clean9.co.za

I am generating decent traffic could always do better. But it hasn`t quite translated into conversions and I am just wondering if there something I could improve on the LP.

Any advice or critic you could offer I will greatly appreciate.

Thanks in advance
#advice #guy #landing #page
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Doesn't say anything that hasn't been said a million times already.

    And you spend way more time asking the potential customer to do silly things such as liking your Facebook than you do persuading them and asking for the sale.
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    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author davidshelver
      Thanks for your reply angiecolee.

      As I said I am very new at this and appreciate any advice. Is there anything specific you would Say or change?
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    David, you're trying to do too much too soon.

    Getting the optin, getting people to buy, getting people to appreciate the product and brand.

    It's just too much, too soon.

    Instead, get people to take one small, almost inconsequential action with you.

    Just get a click.

    What's it going to take to get the click?

    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author mr_banks
    Watch the video you have on your page about 5 times and take notes.

    Notice how the video starts:

    "If YOU want to look better. If YOU want to feel better. YOU have to..."

    When you're watching the video pay attention to how it doesn't talk about the product hardly at all until almost the end. Instead it talks all about the benefits the product gives the user. Takes notes of every benefit talked about in the video and replace the bullets on your page with those.

    Then follow the advice of angiecolee and RickDuris because they are both right. That's just a start but will get you in the right direction.

    P.S. Move the video to the top of the page and make it the main focus of your landing page. Use the marketing that's already done for you.
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  • Profile picture of the author MatthewRHallEsq
    Part of me hates the purple. It feels too strong to me. And because your primary color for your theme is so strong, it basically makes your button invisible.

    That JFK quote also feels completely out of place. What in the hell would JFK know about weight loss? Find someone your target audience (assuming women) respect, and have the quote relevant to your product. Don't just grab some inspirational quote (especially one from a known womanizer).

    I'm in Chrome on Mac (Adblock off), and I'm not seeing a video. Not sure what's up, but if an autoplay video is central to your marketing strategy, this is a HUGE problem. Test your page in multiple common browsing scenarios.

    Listen to Angie and Rick. Fix the fundamental problem with your approach (asking too much), then start making necessary copy changes (of which you have many).

    Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author davidshelver
      Wow Thanks Guys I am so grateful for your amazing replies and advice. I understand full well that I have a lot to learn, and I humbled by the amount of knowledge available. I will do my best to learn as fast as I can.

      Thank you so much. I will let you guys know as soon as I am done integrating your suggestions.

      I dont have a thank you button yet or I would be pressing it for all of you! You Rock!
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      • Profile picture of the author davidshelver
        Hey Guys

        I have made some of the changes you have recommended and I have tried to implement your suggestions as best as possible

        MatthewRHallEsq Unfortunately I couldnt play with the colour as it is the colour of the branding.

        Thanks again for all you help. If you dont mind checking it out again and telling me what you think. Here is the link again...


        http://www.detox-diet-clean9.co.za/
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        • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
          You're making a mess.

          This guy's on the right track: http://mi40xbuildmuscle.com/mi40x-a

          Follow his lead.

          - Rick Duris
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          • Profile picture of the author Saluki Guy
            Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

            You're making a mess.

            This guy's on the right track: http://mi40xbuildmuscle.com/mi40x-a

            Follow his lead.

            - Rick Duris
            That entire VSL is a pack of lies.
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            There is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted — all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, And we must take the current when it serves, Or lose our ventures. - Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare
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            • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
              Originally Posted by Saluki Guy View Post

              That entire VSL is a pack of lies.
              Yeah, ranks right up there with lies about deflated footballs.
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  • Profile picture of the author MatthewRHallEsq
    You still have the same underlying problem: you're asking too much of your leads. There's no way I'm giving anyone my phone number online unless I'm selling THEM something.

    The link Rick shared gets it right. Keep it simple. There are so many things that other site does well you could implement.
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    • Profile picture of the author davidshelver
      Ok I will try and simplify it more, and implement something similar to the link you provided.

      Should I still keep the video?

      Thanks again for your advice!
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  • Profile picture of the author davidshelver
    Lets try this again.

    I have really tried to follow your guidance and I hope I have done it some justice. If nothing else I have learnt so much. Thanks guys!

    Let me know your thoughts?
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    I think you might be missing the point.

    Nobody cares about your product or your nutritional guide. The headline and bullets are a yawn. They're things people have seen 1000 times before. And nobody's going to cough up their phone # upfront so you can bug them.

    What you want is to evoke someone's curiosity. Enough for them to click and find out more.
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  • Profile picture of the author TjarkHartmann
    Does "The Most Googled Diet of 2014" mean anything to visitors?

    To me... it's sort of sad the biggest proof on the page is just about number of searches.

    Edit: Maybe it arouses curiosity? "I wonder why so many people searched this?" And adds a little more validity with following the crowd?
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    Tjark: Pronounced like "Jacques" in Jacques Cousteau.

    www.TjarkHartmann.com

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    • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
      Originally Posted by TjarkHartmann View Post

      Does "The Most Googled Diet of 2014" mean anything to visitors?

      To me... it's sort of sad the biggest proof on the page is just about number of searches.

      Edit: Maybe it arouses curiosity? "I wonder why so many people searched this?" And adds a little more validity with following the crowd?
      It's an attempt at proof, but what it really does is arouse suspicion.

      I'm a woman - this crap is marketed to me day in and day out, whether I want to hear it or not. I was alive for all of 2014 and managed to NEVER hear about this "most googled" diet. I have heard of DASH, TLC, Mediterranean, Eco-Atkins, etc.... ad nauseam.

      Attempts at social proof without actually getting someone INTERESTED in the product are doomed to failure. It could arouse curiosity, but what are they curious about? Will that question be answered if they give you their name? Or are they better off Googling this most-Googled diet?

      This is the lesson - as a copywriter, your job is to know the conversation happening in their head.

      Because if you know what they're thinking about, worrying about, obsessing about, you can steer the conversation in a direction you want them to take.

      You can pique their curiosity by talking about things relevant to them, by asking smart questions that make them put themselves on your pedestal and be the star of your show.

      Without anything your audience cares about on the landing page, why do they care about who else Googled it? Or is most-Googled an invitation to bounce....to Google?
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      Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

        I'm a woman - this crap is marketed to me day in and day out, whether I want to hear it or not. I was alive for all of 2014 and managed to NEVER hear about this "most googled" diet. I have heard of DASH, TLC, Mediterranean, Eco-Atkins, etc.... ad nauseam.

        This is the lesson - as a copywriter, your job is to know the conversation happening in their head.

        Because if you know what they're thinking about, worrying about, obsessing about, you can steer the conversation in a direction you want them to take.

        You can pique their curiosity by talking about things relevant to them, by asking smart questions that make them put themselves on your pedestal and be the star of your show.
        Something tells me David, you should hire Angie. Or just get her an Amazon gift card or put a few bucks in her PayPal account to pick her brain for a bit.

        You'd be getting the benefit of someone who is in the market, who sees your competition, and is a copywriter as well.

        You can nail this thing, but not going at it the way you are.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    OP: You need to drill down deeper or hire a copywriter that excels in this space.

    Your benefits at the top? Those are actually different market segments. In some ways they overlap, but in some ways they're completely different. The person who wants more energy may not want to lose weight. The person who wants to lose weight may not want to detox.

    Why should they want to learn more about a program that does all three? You need to connect the dots for them - if you try to make them think through it or reach out to you for an answer (via signing up), they're gonna leave you high and dry.

    Spell it out. Detox for X benefit. More energy for Y benefit. Lose weight sustainably for Z benefit.

    The example Rick pointed out above? That guy knows EXACTLY who he's talking to...guys that want to get ripped. If they're interested, they're signing up to see what that beefneck in the picture knows.

    If you're still having trouble understanding where you're not making the connection, you really should consider hiring a consultant.
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    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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  • Profile picture of the author MatthewRHallEsq
    What Rick said, again. You're putting in some good effort - which is much more than can be said about lots of "review my landing page" posters - but there are some important fundamentals you're missing.

    For example, your bullet points:
    • REMOVE STORED TOXINS
    • FEEL LIGHTER & MORE ENERGISED
    • SUSTAINABLE WEIGHT LOSS
    Only one of those is a benefit - "feel lighter and more energised."

    "Remove stored toxins" - okay, my toxins are gone. So what? How is my life better because of it?

    "Sustainable weight loss" - again, so what? What does weight loss give me?

    I really admire your enthusiasm. I don't want to discourage you from trying this. However, at this point, what you need is some sort of mentor who really gets marketing. Do you know anyone who's done well in internet marketing through creating their own site like you're trying to do? Any friends who could sit down and walk you through the ways you can improve your site?
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    • Profile picture of the author davidshelver
      Ok well its good to know at least that I am on the right track. I am determined to get this right. I am smart enough to know when I am not Smart enough.

      I will get in touch with Angie and bring in a professional like you have suggested Rick.

      I can't thank you guys enough for your input. It's been an inspiring experience to have been part of a forum like this where complete strangers are willing to share their knowledge.i will honor that process and try and utilise it as best as I can.

      We are so behind here in South Africa when it comes to the online Marketing space. You guys should move out here you would make a killing! (Probably bad choice of words considering what you might have heard about SA)

      Anyway so I will keep trying and hopefully soon make all yr efforts worth while. I will get this right!
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    • Profile picture of the author davidshelver
      Hi Mathwe

      Unfortunately no I don't know anyone who has the necessary skills and knowledge to mentor me. That's why I came here looking for help and why I am so eager to learn. If you have any suggestions on any courses I could do or books I could read I would much appreciate it. Do any of your offer any mentoring type services nor training?
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    • Profile picture of the author davidshelver
      Sorry about the spelling of your name, I am typing on my phone.
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