Can you critique my Copy

9 years ago

Originally Posted by kcbowman

The sales page is here: Work From Home

If you could refrain from talking about the design I would appreciate it. The design has a bunch of under the radar things going on and if you haven't learned from the same sources that I learned from you won't be able to see it.

I would however like help with the content of the words. Anything you can bash me on will be helpful.

What's different about your offer from the plethora of other Work From Home offers on the internet?

I ask, because the sales page needs to get that implanted in the reader's mind immediately. Otherwise, your promotion is just another drop in the sea of sameness.

Alex

Thanks

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kcbowman

9 years ago

What other complete step by step guides to legitimate work from home/telecommuting legitimate job offers? Care to post a few? I love to look at competition.

Thanks
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angiecolee 9 years ago

Originally Posted by kcbowman

What other complete step by step guides to legitimate work from home/telecommuting legitimate job offers? Care to post a few? I love to look at competition.

Look up work from home on Google.

Seriously.

I'll wait.
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Raydal 9 years ago

Originally Posted by kcbowman

What other complete step by step guides to legitimate work from home/telecommuting legitimate job offers? Care to post a few? I love to look at competition.

You can find a few here:

https://www.google.com/search?q=comp...utf-8&oe=utf-8

-Ray Edwards
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kcbowman

9 years ago

Find what there? Flex jobs is one of the links in my book. The other stuff on that search result are just articles that say: "Hey here are some vague descriptions of jobs you can do." At most they "describe" 10. I have over 20 fields and I provide links to actively updated job requests companies post, flexjobs being one resource. On that search result The list of 100 work from home job companies you can send a resume too... This is a ridiculous link. No offense. Many of those companies aren't actively hiring and most require specialized knowledge and qualifications. (one of the complaints I see abound on the amazon books who just give giant lists of work from home companies) I asked for competitors. I've read that free work from home mommy book. I read it in the development of my product. It's nothing comparable. That book is a couple pages with some vague guidelines.

If you wanted to find real competition check out amazon.com I've looked through all of those books as well. I read them and see exactly what they miss. I checked out all of the reviews, negative and positive ones.

Still, the man who said there is heavy competition in this niche please provide me with some competitors. I want to see what else I'm up against. The WFH job boards aren't competition, they are resources, and not even the best resources that I talk about in the book.

Thanks
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Alex Cohen

9 years ago

Originally Posted by kcbowman

Find what there? Flex jobs is one of the links in my book. The other stuff on that search result are just articles that say: "Hey here are some vague descriptions of jobs you can do." At most they "describe" 10. I have over 20 fields and I provide links to actively updated job requests companies post flexjobs being one resource. On that search result The list of 100 work from home job companies you can send a resume too... This is a ridiculous link. No offense. Many of those companies aren't actively hiring and most require specialized knowledge and qualifications. (one of the complaints I see abound on the amazon books who just give giant lists of work from home companies) I asked for competitors. I've read that free work from home mommy book. I read it in the development of my product. It's nothing comparable. That book is a couple pages with some vague guidelines.

If you wanted to find real competition check out amazon.com I've looked through all of those books as well. I read them and see exactly what they miss. I checked out all of the reviews, negative and positive ones.

Still, the man who said there is heavy competition in this niche please provide me with some competitors. I want to see what else I'm up against. The WFH job boards aren't competition, they are resources, and not even the best resources that I talk about in the book.

All you really needed to reply was, "My book talks about Flex Jobs". And we could have had a nice conversation.

I would have suggested that if "Flex Jobs" is truly unique (or you have a unique twist on them), put that in your headline along with <snip>.

But sadly, you chose to get hot under the collar instead.

Good luck with it.

Alex

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kcbowman

9 years ago

No, You're right. I apologize Alex. I have been having to re-explain this a bunch of times today and I was getting a bit sick of it. Because I'm new here I didn't understand the landscape of this IM community.

1. There are apparently a bunch of guys making repackaged garbage materials. about how to make money on the internet with this or that system using IM. I keep getting lumped in the same category out of ignorance and being told I have competition or w.e. when I know there is none already.

2. I keep having to re explain to people the difference between what I do and all of that make "10K a day if you buy my system" garbage. Even after the marketers here read my landing page. Which is boggling my mind. Unless of course you just skimmed over it and didn't actually read the full story. I don't think it's unclear what I am selling I get very detailed in the copy.

I want to say it's a good thing though because since very few (only 1 guy actually so far) marketers on this forum can even tell the difference. That means there will be virtually no competition. Any affiliates that get with me will be blazing a trail in an untapped niche with the highest quality product for that niche on earth. I'm still very green and need guidance though. Anyone willing to assist with selling value for a $100.00 commission to a starving niche with no real answers pm me.

I've already sold copies so people are willing to buy it at this price, just as I thought they would be.

Thank you for the good luck. Same to you with what ever you're up to.

Thanks
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Jacob Anthony

9 years ago

Originally Posted by kcbowman

No, You're right. I apologize Alex. I have been having to re-explain this a bunch of times today and I was getting a bit sick of it. Because I'm new here I didn't understand the landscape of this IM community.

1. There are apparently a bunch of guys making repackaged garbage materials. about how to make money on the internet with this or that system using IM. I keep getting lumped in the same category out of ignorance and being told I have competition or w.e. when I know there is none already.

2. I keep having to re explain to people the difference between what I do and all of that make "10K a day if you buy my system" garbage. Even after the marketers here read my landing page. Which is boggling my mind. Unless of course you just skimmed over it and didn't actually read the full story. I don't think it's unclear what I am selling I get very detailed in the copy.

I want to say it's a good thing though because since very few (only 1 guy actually so far) marketers on this forum can even tell the difference. That means there will be virtually no competition. Any affiliates that get with me will be blazing a trail in an untapped niche with the highest quality product for that niche on earth. I'm still very green and need guidance though. Anyone willing to assist with selling value for a $100.00 commission to a starving niche with no real answers pm me.

I've already sold copies so people are willing to buy it at this price, just as I thought they would be.

Thank you for the good luck. Same to you with what ever you're up to.

Hi there,

I read this thread and your sales letter with great interest, as I work in the Work From Home industry/niche myself and am constantly hounded to join the newest work from home opportunity. The problem you have with this industry/ niche is that a lot of unscrupulous people tend to blur the lines between a "work from home business opportunity" and a "work from home job opportunity" in order to recruit people to their down line.

This is where I think the guys above are right, in that there is a lot of "perceived" competition because your target market may not be aware of the difference between a "work from home business opportunity" and a "work from home job opportunity". I personally understand the difference between the two, but because Telecommuting and Flex working is still very much in its infancy, a lot of people will probably need you to clarify the difference between the two.

On reading the sales copy again, I feel you need to really smash home the idea that this product will help me safely navigate my way through through the minefield of work from home scams to a safe haven of proven and secure "work from home job opportunities" or "work from home business opportunities". I say this because that's exactly what I'm looking for!

Hope this helps!

Jacob

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Alex Cohen

9 years ago

Originally Posted by kcbowman

No, You're right. I apologize Alex. I have been having to re-explain this a bunch of times today and I was getting a bit sick of it. Because I'm new here I didn't understand the landscape of this IM community.

1. There are apparently a bunch of guys making repackaged garbage materials. about how to make money on the internet with this or that system using IM. I keep getting lumped in the same category out of ignorance and being told I have competition or w.e. when I know there is none already.

2. I keep having to re explain to people the difference between what I do and all of that make "10K a day if you buy my system" garbage. Even after the marketers here read my landing page. Which is boggling my mind. Unless of course you just skimmed over it and didn't actually read the full story. I don't think it's unclear what I am selling I get very detailed in the copy.

I want to say it's a good thing though because since very few (only 1 guy actually so far) marketers on this forum can even tell the difference. That means there will be virtually no competition. Any affiliates that get with me will be blazing a trail in an untapped niche with the highest quality product for that niche on earth. I'm still very green and need guidance though. Anyone willing to assist with selling value for a $100.00 commission to a starving niche with no real answers pm me.

I've already sold copies so people are willing to buy it at this price, just as I thought they would be.

Thank you for the good luck. Same to you with what ever you're up to.

No problem.

The bottom line is, your sales copy needs a headline that separates you from the numerous other Work At Home offers. Differentiation can make a good hook. As can Story, Incongruence, and Challenging Conventional Wisdom.

Alex

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BrianMcLeod

9 years ago

Pro Tip: If you have to argue/explain what your offer actually is/isn't about - your copy is a FAIL.

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Jacob Anthony 9 years ago

Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod

Pro Tip: If you have to argue/explain what your offer actually is/isn't about - your copy is a FAIL.

It's fairly clear what the product is, what isn't clear to the untrained eye, is why it's better than the competition.
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shawnlebrun

9 years ago

Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod

Pro Tip: If you have to argue/explain what your offer actually is/isn't about - your copy is a FAIL.

Holy S**t.... I was about to post the same exact sentence or something like it after I read his thread, Brian... then I scroll down and BOOM.... there you said it perfectly.

You shouldn't have to educate and explain what you do/offer.

It's much easier to meet people who are ALREADY MOTIVATED to get X, Y, or Z...
and just stand in front of them and show why YOU are the best choice.

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Jacob Anthony

9 years ago

Originally Posted by shawnlebrun

Holy S**t.... I was about to post the same exact sentence or something like it after I read his thread, Brian... then I scroll down and BOOM.... there you said it perfectly.

You shouldn't have to educate and explain what you do/offer.

It's much easier to meet people who are ALREADY MOTIVATED to get X, Y, or Z...
and just stand in front of them and show why YOU are the best choice.

Okay now I'm genuinely curious... How would you get them to the point at which they are educated or motivated to buy, if not in the sales copy on the actual sales page?

Thanks
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Tim R

9 years ago

Originally Posted by Jacob Anthony

Okay now I'm genuinely curious... How would you get them to the point at which they are educated or motivated to buy, if not in the sales copy on the actual sales page?

There's a tailor at the end of my street. Every single day tries to pull me inside while telling me the benefits of owning a suit.

I don't need a suit. Nothing he says is going to convince me otherwise.

If he spent his time creating a marketing strategy to get people into his store who already want to buy a suit, his job would be 1000x easier.

Instead of trying to educate prospects on why they need a suit, he could sell them on what makes his suits their best option.

Totally different sales argument.

In the sales copy here the writer is trying to educate people on the benefits of working from home. And doing a pretty poor job of it too.

If you are asking for $155 for an e-book (WTF?) then you better have a better strategy than telling me some of my biggest benefits will be avoiding public restrooms and vending machines.

The whole thing needs to be scrapped and handed over to a professional copywriter.

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Jacob Anthony

9 years ago

Originally Posted by Tim R

There's a tailor at the end of my street. Every single day tries to pull me inside while telling me the benefits of owning a suit.

I don't need a suit. Nothing he says is going to convince me otherwise.

If he spent his time creating a marketing strategy to get people into his store who already want to buy a suit, his job would be 1000x easier.

Instead of trying to educate prospects on why they need a suit, he could sell them on what makes his suits their best option.

Totally different sales argument.

In the sales copy here the writer is trying to educate people on the benefits of working from home. And doing a pretty poor job of it too.

If you are asking for $155 for an e-book (WTF?) then you better have a better strategy than telling me some of my biggest benefits will be avoiding public restrooms and vending machines.

The whole thing needs to be scrapped and handed over to a professional copywriter.

Couldn't agree more! Maybe the product could be pre-sold with the help of a free/ cheaper report that uses some of the most basic content from the product the writer is selling here?

Jacob

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kcbowman

9 years ago

Some really powerful feedback. Thank you all for taking the time to write anything here.

My plan to find motivated people was to send ppc traffic to an opt in page that has a free bribe with 11 of the work from home job boards on it. limitlifter.com

Then they got re-directed to my sales copy after opting in. This targets motivated people who are educated in the flex/telecommute job niche and sends them to the sales page.

I've changed this recently to having them opt in then following up with a few helpful emails before linking the sales page.

This thread was more on the words in the copy, not the marketing model, but I apologize. I should have given you every detail, and explained the niche to you all since you aren't the customers who are already looking for this solution.

Those benefits I got were pulled from research done to find why people wanted to leave the office. I went through hundreds of webpages and gathered every reason out there why people talked about loving working from home better than the office/why they wanted to replace their office. I was surprised about the public restroom and vending machine comments as well, but many potential customers mentioned it online. So I guess I should clarify that this copy was written for people who were already looking for solutions in the telecommute niche, and I framed the content around what they have been saying online.

Alex, At first I had the headline "Your guide to real Telecommute Opportunities", but then I scraped that after reading the irresistible offer. Which told me to:

Tell them what they are about to buy, why they should trust me, and whats the main benefit.

The book cover explains what I offer (or so I thought before reading the comments here)

The main benefit was hard because this niche is not offering financial freedom, but actually freedom from the office. I looked over that list of benefits the customers were talking about online and I determined that "Freedom From The Office" is the main benefit they want.

Why should they trust me? Since my name doesn't hold any weight I wanted to send the message: Hey if this product doesn't work just ask for your money back and you will get it.
It was hard to word the money back guarantee with "freedom from the office".

I'm going to look through all of this right now and try to come up with the best headline possible from this feedback while still adhering to the laws of the irresistible offer.

I understand it's actually difficult for any of you to give me valuable feed-back because this is a niche which is in it's infancy and you don't know the customer avatar very well/at all.

Thanks

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kcbowman

9 years ago

"I would have suggested that if "Flex Jobs" is truly unique (or you have a unique twist on them), put that in your headline along with <snip>. "

"On reading the sales copy again, I feel you need to really smash home the idea that this product will help me safely navigate my way through through the minefield of work from home scams to a safe haven of proven and secure "work from home job opportunities" or "work from home business opportunities". I say this because that's exactly what I'm looking for!"

"It's fairly clear what the product is, what isn't clear to the untrained eye, is why it's better than the competition."

"Instead of trying to educate prospects on why they need a suit, he could sell them on what makes his suits their best option."

"The bottom line is, your sales copy needs a headline that separates you from the numerous other Work At Home offers. Differentiation can make a good hook. As can Story, Incongruence, and Challenging Conventional Wisdom."

These are the most helpful comments made so far that give me real things to consider towards improvement, and I'm using them now to try and smooth this out!

Thank you all again!

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Jacob Anthony

9 years ago

Originally Posted by kcbowman

These are the most helpful comments made so far that give me real things to consider towards improvement, and I'm using them now to try and smooth this out!

Thank you all again!

Glad to be of service!

Thanks

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angiecolee

9 years ago

You've gotten some great advice here.

I'll echo Brian - any good copywriter can tell you that if you have to explain your copy in order for someone to GET IT, it's a total rewrite.

I know you said not to comment on design, but your three column layout and the block text made it damn near impossible to read.

From a quick skim, I echo the others. I see another work from home message. I see results vary depending on your effort.

And regarding the public toilet thing - there's a difference between a few people talking about it on a forum and it being a legit market concern. There are definitely a lot of people out there that can't poop in public places. But is that the benefit you want to hammer home? It can be done in a cheeky way with much stronger copy, but as it stands it's not a push-them-over-the-edge benefit.

And a word to the wise - sexual harassment in the workplace is a huge motivator for women. As is the discrimination they face for maternity leave and/or needing continual breaks for pumping if they breastfeed.

On a related note, how large a chunk do women make up in your market?

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kcbowman

9 years ago

At first I thought they would be the main force. With websites like "work from home mommy" and what not, but after doing keyword research keywords targeted specifically at women didn't convert. like: "jobs for moms", "work at home moms". For converting keywords it's been about 50 - 50.

I'm thinking now it's because the customers weren't understanding the difference either. At least not in those first few critical seconds. Man...the headline is so important. I'm probably going to remove the public restroom, or throw it in offhandedly as a joke in the actual copy, but I don't want to remove it entirely from the copy because it's mentioned several times.

I like the advice on putting more emphasis on the sexual harassment. Regarding the bulleted list, does it matter the order of importance? Like should I put the strongest concerns first then go down, or should I put the weakest ones first then build up to the strongest ones at the end, in like a momentum building way? I think I just answered my own question...weakest to strongest sounds best to me for the momentum.

Ok angie, I will bite. What in your Rockstar Copywriter, thanked nearly 1,000 times opinion would be a better way to capture the readers eyes and flow them through the copy in a natural easy manner? If it's good I will definitely split test it. If I think it's bad I won't be tight lipped about my opinion. It just isn't my style.

I've paused all of my ad campaigns after I got my first sale then came to the WF and started making posts to improve everything. I didn't want to come over here as a total noob with nothing but untested theory. This allows me to give value where I've succeeded, improve on what I've done, and hold my own against bad advice.

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angiecolee

9 years ago

Originally Posted by kcbowman

At first I thought they would be the main force. With websites like "work from home mommy" and what not, but after doing keyword research keywords targeted specifically at women didn't convert. like: "jobs for moms", "work at home moms". For converting keywords it's been about 50 - 50.

I'm thinking now it's because the customers weren't understanding the difference either. At least not in those first few critical seconds. Man...the headline is so important. I'm probably going to remove the public restroom, or throw it in offhandedly as a joke in the actual copy, but I don't want to remove it entirely from the copy because it's mentioned several times.

I like the advice on putting more emphasis on the sexual harassment. Regarding the bulleted list, does it matter the order of importance? Like should I put the strongest concerns first then go down, or should I put the weakest ones first then build up to the strongest ones at the end, in like a momentum building way? I think I just answered my own question...weakest to strongest sounds best to me for the momentum.

Ok angie, I will bite. What in your Rockstar Copywriter, thanked nearly 1,000 times opinion would be a better way to capture the readers eyes and flow them through the copy in a natural easy manner? If it's good I will definitely split test it. If I think it's bad I won't be tight lipped about my opinion. It just isn't my style.

I've paused all of my ad campaigns after I got my first sale then came to the WF and started making posts to improve everything. I didn't want to come over here as a total noob with nothing but untested theory. This allows me to give value where I've succeeded, improve on what I've done, and hold my own against bad advice.

I suspect you're right on the money with why you're not capturing them. The work-at-home-mom (WAHM - there's an actual acronym) market is huge. They're desperately trying to find something legit.

You have to be careful though - there's two large segments within the market:

One that's looking to make a full-time career out of it and still be there for the kids (she wants an identity that's her own outside motherhood)...

...and one who's looking for a little extra side cash and something to keep them busy for a few hours a day (she defines herself as mom first and foremost). This group is a less likely prospect. They want something quick and easy, which is why many of them do MLM stuff.

A few things to keep in mind as you're structuring the new page:

1) Make it easy to read. One column.

Break up the text.

They're not reading the newspaper. They're scanning something they know is trying to sell them. They're looking for nuggets that appeal to THEM.

2) Regarding order of bullets - what works best for me is beginning AND ending with the strongest points.

Leave the weaker ones for the center. It's a decent tactic for grabbing those scanners, whether they stop at the first few bullets or stop when they REALIZE there are bullets and read the last few to see what's up.

You could also consider cutting all but the strongest bullets and leaving a mix of weak and strong for email drip campaigns or informational articles.

3) Sexual harassment is a HUGE factor.

I've worked with startups in Silicon Valley long enough to know that if you can't hang with the Frat Boy/Old Boys' Club mentality, you won't last long. Of course, shy shrinking violet that I am, I would NEVER call them on their bullshit directly... [they really need to make a sarcasm font]

BUT there is an indirect effect of gender in the office too, and that goes back to being a mom. A lot of men and female non-mothers simply do not understand what happens to a woman's body during and after pregnancy.

I had a lengthy convo with a couple clueless male friends the other day about YES, it is ABSOLUTELY NORMAL for a woman to still need to pump breast milk 6 months after her baby is born.

Breast milk is a use it or lose it proposition - if she doesn't pump, she doesn't produce. And BY LAW, a company is required to give her a private, LOCKABLE room that is not being used by anyone else at the same time in which to pump in peace.

That's a strong motivation for work at home mothers, but it's also an ever-present discrimination tactic AGAINST mothers that can prevent them from getting a cushy flex job. How will you walk them through that?

So back to the original point - get a laser focus on that market.

You're not going after the types of people that try to make a living off MLMs and envelope stuffing and home-based telemarketing. You're going after people who want a CAREER and don't necessarily believe they can have one without a nightmare commute.

Your job is to convince them that not ONLY can they have a fulfilling career, they can do it from the comfort of home AND do it for a company that is THRILLED they are working from home because it saves them so much overhead.

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kcbowman

9 years ago

Amazing post! You are right about the newspaper thing. That was actually what I was aiming for from the copy-writing book I read... So much helpful information. I can't thank you enough Angie.

I'm going to spend the entire day re-writing the copy. My entire marketing model is getting a complete overhaul today actually. I'm going to replace my squeeze page, set up an auto responder with my aweber account, and rewrite this sales page.

Then I'll turn on my traffic funnel from google again, collect more subscribers, and send them through a powered up model. This stuff needed to be done before I begin the CB affiliate drive. I want a strong conversion funnel that my affiliates can trust which will help drive my gravity up quickly. I want that come down like a bolt of lightning affect when I hit CB with this book.

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angiecolee

9 years ago

Best of luck to you, man.

I like seeing this kind of determination and drive.

And I obviously support any entrepreneur who makes an extra special effort to help women advance.

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Can you critique my Copy

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