This part stopped me cold:

From: Mack Baxter
Re: What Every Man Ought To Know About How To Attract Women On Dating Web Sites

"Dating websites suck!"

"The women who join dating sites are all snobby, stuck-up bit#@*s!!"

"I'm a single dad - I'm 'damaged goods' - I'll never meet a decent woman online..."

This is just some of the nonsense I hear frequently from men who are frustrated with the whole "online dating scene".

If you can relate to dating site frustrations, you're not alone - most men "suck" at online dating!

But I will tell you this: if you struggle to meet hot women on dating web sites IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

By the time I got to it's not my fault, it was too late.

I my experience, it rarely hurts to call out your target audience. Doing so might reduce the number of people who read your piece, but ensures those who do are, in fact, your prospects.

As for your other questions... my suggestion is to test them.

Do A/B split tests of the page with vs. without the price at the top... the book graphic vs. an attractive woman, etc. Make sure you only test one element at a time so you know exactly what impacted response. Although that said, I'd be very surprised if the copy didn't pull better without line at the end of your deck mentioning the special offer.

I don't have time to read through your copy right now. But a couple suggestions:

1. Short headlines usually outperform long ones. Shorter ones not only let you bump up the font size to grab attention, but are more easily read by the eye. Few things are harder on the eyes than a large block of unbroken text.

2. Try to make each line of your headline break at a logical point. And for longer headlines, it can help to break them up using eyebrows (copy just above the headline) and mustaches (copy just below the headline). Also, switch up the colors to make the message easier to read.

3. Don't capitalize every word. Articles like "a," "an" and "the" should only be capitalized if they're the first word in the sentence. Similarly, try putting your deck copy in "sentence" capitalization rather than capitalizing every word.

For example, instead of this...

Try something like this...

That's all I have time for now, as I've got a client call coming up. But it should give you some ideas to work with.

Hope this helps!

Hey thanks Len - I love those suggestions on the headline! That's good stuff.

Hey DABK - can you please elaborate? You stopped cold in a good way or bad? And what'd you mean by "By the time I got to it's not my fault, it was too late"? Thanks for your help guys!

Hey Len - I took your suggestions and ran with them. I also shaved off about 40 pixels from the height of the header image in order to get back some of that above the fold real estate for the copy. Anyhow, if you wouldn't mind go have another look. I think it looks and reads much better now, thanks again!

It's a bad thing. Every prospect that stops reading is a lost sale. And more than one lost sale if you factor in word-of-mouth referrals.

You're welcome. Glad I could help.

Better. I'd reduce the space between the mustache ("Get Proven, Sizzling Hot Strategies on") and the headline. I'd also break the headline into two lines, so the first line reads: "How to Attract Women" and bump up the font size -- make it as big as you can without wrapping or looking disproportionate to the deck.

Thanks Cam - I wrote my post title that way to draw attention ;-) I figured it might pull in more warriors to read my post. Care to make a suggestion on what you would do to spice up the headline?

Here is the link to the DK letter I used to write my own.

I think you are getting the benefits right, your talking about what your prospects want more or less, I think what you need is more proof. Nobody buys without belief, and your proof sucks b*lls.

Gleaning info on this market is actually pretty easy. There are tons of videos on YT from both men and women discussing many facets of online dating. All you need to do is read the comments that guys are leaving and you can learn all you need to know about the male mindset with respect to meeting women online. Also, your point about the English-Spanish transition is a good one. That is why I concentrate on the Caucasian male - dating for the black male for example or the Hispanic male is quite a bit different. And single dads for example use a different sort of language - these men are concerned they appear as 'damaged goods', they talk about shared custody, getting back into the dating scene and can sound very bitter toward their ex and females in general

What more proof could you suggest? All of the proof I do offer is legit - nothing on my sales page is made up or photo shopped. That one image actually is my inbox with 41 messages from women in only a week's time, the testimonials and other 'proof' are all real.

If that's what a guy wants - to get laid - my strategies will help him get there. If he wants a girlfriend, an activity partner or to find his soulmate - whatever - he can have her; it all starts with attraction though. Once a guy knows how to attract women on a dating site he can then turn that attraction into what he is looking for.

Thank you everyone for all your feedback and criticisms - I'm finding this all very helpful :-)

I've worked a lot in the dating niche with many of the more reputable names and the copy just felt bland to me...there was nothing unique about it to differentiate you from the thousands of others who wrote a book. The price point is also ridiculously low for expert pickup tips so I think that works against you as well.

I highly recommend you listed to Neil Strauss's "The Game" in audio format to get to know your ideal consumer and why they have dating problems. Then, write copy that speaks to them personally, price your book at $59.95 and it will sell.

Then again, it should sell at any price because this is a desperate niche that will buy anything....IF you're reaching your target audience. But I know for a fact that many of the pros in this segment have 7 and 8 figure launches in their first week alone, so you're likely missing out by being generic.

The page needs some editing.

First of all, fix the page design on the sides at the top where the border breaks. It looks unprofessional. This also happens at the bottom of the page where the border is missing.

Second, the very top of the sales page is way too scatter-brained. What I mean is that there are too many visual elements competing for attention. The yellow text on blue background, vs the picture of the book, vs the price in yellow starburst, vs the white text on red background, vs the text at the very top of the page where people naturally start reading.

All of these items are laid out intertwined and horizontally whereas they should be laid out vertically so that the reader's eye knows exactly where to go at each step of reading everything.

Third, your headlines could be much stronger. Men do not just want to "attract and meet" women online, they want to GET LAID. So you need to put something about SEX into the headline.

THANK YOU Cam, Curtis and DABK! All great suggestions you're giving me - and listen, as one relatively new to the IM game and web copywriting, you have no idea how appreciative I am that you're giving me these suggestions. In my current copy I'm trying to tell guys that online attraction is their gateway to finding what they want in meeting women whether it's a f**k buddy or casual sex, a meaningful girlfriend, a new activity partner...whatever. I've seen other products in this niche that make women sound like usable bimbos - such raunchy stuff as "you'll have her on her knees in front of you with your d**k in her mouth that same night!" I can't cross that line - I want to be successful in this niche but not to the detriment of my morals. Look, I'm no stud but I have personally gotten more one night stands and fun, meaningless sex from the internet than I can remember. I've also found terrific women I've had years long relationships with. I want guys to know that my strategies work to find what they want but I don't want it to be all about just getting laid - there's just something scummy about that. I'm trying to weave the get laid message into my copy but I don't want to make it ALL about that. Thanks again everyone for all your help and advice!

LOL!! Thanks Cam :-) And here I just meant that as a peer to peer message of my thought process behind this project! I'll try it out - can anybody say 'serendipitous'??

Hi Doctor - I do see what you mean. Proof speaks loudly, I do get that. Are you maybe suggesting I lead with the screenshot of my dating site inbox? My book deals 100% with online dating - I see many, many other products in the dating niche which deal with picking up girls in the real world - but my stuff talks only about the virtual world. I've even seen a dating product where the author was wearing a hidden camera to demonstrate his techniques. That's good stuff but I think I can only demo the quality of my offering with testimonials and screen shots.

In fact - if any of you fine folks want to check my book out and put the techniques to use - or at least read the book even if you're not single and in the dating scene - please let me know and I'd be happy to PM the download link over to you. All I would ask is for a testimonial or your critique. Any takers??

My short term goal would be 10 sales per day at between $19.97 and $39.97 per sale (I'll also be testing other price points). I offer an upsell once a person has committed to buy for an additional $20 - I'd like to see at least half my buyers take the up-sell. I've written another book; "From Web Site to Date Night" about the art and game of seduction, first time dates and managing expectations for the women you'll be dating that you've met online.

Anyhow, based on these ST sales goals I'd be looking at gross sales of 299.70 per day which comes to $8991 a month.