Please Critique My Copy

16 replies
Hey Gentlemen (And Angie),

I have written Copy for my very first Client.

(I say "Client" however he hasn't actually paid me yet.
All I was charging was $19 ... ) I'm not complaining
though: It's all part of the process: I'm bound to make
some mistakes. : )

Anyway I would really appreciate it if you would critique
the following Copy. (Note: They're images so may take
an extra couple of seconds to load ...)

Original Copy:
http://www.instant-headlines.com/copy1.html

My Copy:
http://www.instant-headlines.com/copy2.html

(If the goal was to increase his conversion, then I'm
considering this Copy a success. : )

However I would really appreciate your feedback. Please
note, however, it's equally important to know what I
did right (and what you liked) as well as what can be
improved.

Thank You,
Jonathan

P.S. How much do you think I should be charging for
Copy of this "standard?"
#copy #critique
  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

    Hey Gentlemen (And Angie),

    (If the goal was to increase his conversion, then I'm
    considering this Copy a success. : )

    Jonathan

    Before I render a critique, a couple of questions, OK?

    What other goal might he have been seeking? By what % did this increase conversions? And what metrics were used to measure response?

    gjabiz
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  • Profile picture of the author Zosimus
    Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

    Hey Gentlemen (And Angie),

    I have written Copy for my very first Client.

    (I say "Client" however he hasn't actually paid me yet.
    All I was charging was $19 … ) I'm not complaining
    though: It's all part of the process: I'm bound to make
    some mistakes. : )

    Anyway I would really appreciate it if you would critique
    the following Copy. (Note: They’re images so may take
    an extra couple of seconds to load …)

    Original Copy:
    http://www.instant-headlines.com/copy1.html

    My Copy:
    http://www.instant-headlines.com/copy2.html

    (If the goal was to increase his conversion, then I'm
    considering this Copy a success. : )

    However I would really appreciate your feedback. Please
    note, however, it's equally important to know what I
    did right (and what you liked) as well as what can be
    improved.

    Thank You,
    Jonathan

    P.S. How much do you think I should be charging for
    Copy of this "standard?"
    I'm no expert, but I think your headline needs to be better.

    I say this because I read "How I went from being a complete newbie to..." and then I got distracted and started to look at my buzzing smartphone. Sorry, I just wasn't interested in you.

    When I refocused I thought that the capitalization looked weird. Why is "A" capitalized? Then I thought that the word "being" should go. "How I went from a complete newbie to..." must surely be slightly better.

    I always thought headlines were supposed to be:

    Benefit + time + guarantee.

    "Pizza at your door in 30 minutes or it's free!"

    Have you considered: "$4,700 in your bank account in two months or your money back!"

    Others may have better ideas.
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    • Profile picture of the author dmaster555
      Originally Posted by Zosimus View Post

      I always thought headlines were supposed to be:

      Benefit + time + guarantee.

      "Pizza at your door in 30 minutes or it's free!"

      Have you considered: "$4,700 in your bank account in two months or your money back!"

      Others may have better ideas.
      That's not how headlines are "supposed" to be. It's just a formula you can use.
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      • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
        Thanks for the advice and feedback everyone. Much appreciated.
        : )
        Signature
        "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

    Hey Gentlemen (And Angie),

    I have written Copy for my very first Client.

    (I say "Client" however he hasn't actually paid me yet.
    All I was charging was $19 … ) I'm not complaining
    though: It's all part of the process: I'm bound to make
    some mistakes. : )

    Anyway I would really appreciate it if you would critique
    the following Copy. (Note: They’re images so may take
    an extra couple of seconds to load …)

    Original Copy:
    http://www.instant-headlines.com/copy1.html

    My Copy:
    http://www.instant-headlines.com/copy2.html

    (If the goal was to increase his conversion, then I'm
    considering this Copy a success. : )

    However I would really appreciate your feedback. Please
    note, however, it's equally important to know what I
    did right (and what you liked) as well as what can be
    improved.

    Thank You,
    Jonathan

    P.S. How much do you think I should be charging for
    Copy of this "standard?"
    LOL - you're an alright guy, you know that? Thank you for recognizing I don't have literal balls - only figurative ones.

    That said, take critiques with a grain of salt and get a thick skin, baby doll. Pointing out holes is how you get better.

    You know what you did that rocks? You have been ripped here before and you keep coming back. No matter what anyone tells you about where you're going or how you're going to get there, you're leagues ahead of lurkers and people who don't take action.

    You went out there and got a client. You put yourself out there. That takes guts.

    So there are some good standards you've followed: Johnson boxes with testimonials, specific numbers, giving away the "secret" without giving away the secret.

    That said, there's not much here that won't sound exactly like all the MMO opportunities people see all the time. There's not much of a hook, because it breaks down to "make a ton of money in no time with little effort"....not much credibility there, especially to people who have been burned before.

    Where's the story? Where's the real hook?

    There are a couple pricing disconnects too. Keep in mind that your job as a copywriter is not just to write fancy words that persuade - you have to be able to recognize when parts of the funnel could throw your sales off. Otherwise you're a writer for hire, not a specialist.

    To me, selling something at $7 and then offering unlimited email access (I don't even do that. You can email me at any time, by all means. But my time and attention are limited, ya know - there's only so much I can reply to.) valued at $97?

    What's the benefit of unlimited email access? Because the access itself is a feature.

    My overall advice is this: you're off to a great start as long as you keep up this drive to improve.

    1. Start valuing your services higher than $19. Seriously. You're a native English speaker and your goal is to help people getting sales. You need to stop looking at yourself as a cost and start seeing the value you provide - that's an INVESTMENT, not a cost.

    2. Dive deeper. Your writing shows that you know how to construct a sentence. It shows you know how to study the copy formulas that are out there. But it doesn't show that you understand the market. You're skimming the surface at best, and that's why it comes across as superficial, lacking credibility. What's this guy's story? Why did he turn to Fiverr? What drove him to succeed there? Why is he giving away his knowledge?

    Who's considering gigging on Fiverr? What do they want to get out of it? Part-time fun money? A living wage? Where are they hurting and how does this help?

    Don't just churn out copy off the top of your head, no matter how good it sounds. The reason copywriters are so high-priced is because of the research. It takes time to get into the prospect's head and find something that truly speaks to them. And something that speaks to them = sales = MONEY, HONEY.

    3. Keep coming back. If you take in the advice you get in the spirit it was given (that is, with the intention of helping you to improve) and not as a personal affront, you will get better and more confident in your abilities that much more quickly.

    You're going to bite the big one on this in terms of fees. But it's a good learning experience. Always over-deliver. He may have paid you $19, but here's your chance to provide $1900 (or better) worth of value. Dig deep. Rewrite.
    Signature

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  • You know what?

    It's not bad…in fact compared to the multitudes of GRQ (get rich quick) deals it's actually quite good.

    Yes, there's a few bumps, synch phrasing out of and handful of worn out cliches. Also I think the layout is a touch difficult to read. And is it one testimonial from the same person or 2 with the same name? You can add credibility with a full name, area and country where they live.

    For a $7.00 product it doesn't endlessly drone on and on and on (boring everyone senseless, chronically overselling where even the most rabid buyers give up in despair).

    You chose a formula and hit it rather than stretch it beyond endurance.

    Do everything Angie said.

    But please don't go over the top with a mind numbing 149 page spiel.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author dddougal
    I'm not sure your headlines work.

    Revealed: How i went from being a complete newbie on fiverr....to making $4700 in 3 months (working only 2 hours/week)

    is enormous! and gives away to much info...I can see why you have wrote it like that, magnetic headline and all that stuff but your headline shouldnt tell everything about your offer, just enough to make me want/have to read what the offer is.

    I know a lot of people are writing headlines like this but that doesn't mean it works well, most of them are crap.

    you would be better off cutting it down to something like:

    The shocking truth about making money on fiverr
    How a newbie made $4700 working 2 hours/week

    They would then need to read your copy to find out wtf you are going on about.

    then you would tell the story of how he made it in three months and guide them towards the 'buy now' button.

    Its really quite difficult to do without practice.
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  • Profile picture of the author kk075
    I was going to give an opinion, but Angie said it a lot nicer than I would have. The content needs more substance for the reader to qualify the offer, and the short, snappy sentences get way too repetitive to hold interest. Because even when you're saying something different each time, you can't keep building up to something and then try to close with a few sentences.

    As a rule of thumb, if you ask me one question...then you need to answer at least one question. If you ask me eight, then answer at least eight. That's where you lost me in this copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    DESIGN MATTERS...

    Before:



    After:

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    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      Re: Brian's design...Note the "hourglass" headline, aka the Marilyn Monroe, it serves to focus eye movement, and going down should lead to the "payoff" (aka the, oh never mind)...

      In Brian's example it is the last sentence, more money, less time. Bingo, tell me more or show me proof...reader hooked, if in front of right target.

      There is great resistance here at WF "freelance" copywriter forum, but truthfully, some of the highest paid copywriters know and use DESIGN (as well as graphics) strategy and make it part of their services. Design, looks do matter.

      gjabiz

      PS. Mountain of eye study evidence to support the Marilyn Monroe design for controlling eye flow, the purposefully designed promotion is done in a way which maximizes the focus time.
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    • Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

      DESIGN MATTERS...

      Before:



      After:



      Hey Brian,


      Why did you slant the revenues? Also the smaller picture looks more professional and clean. But what made you do that switch? The hour glass is easier on the eyes also.
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      www.highcalibercopy.com

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      • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
        Originally Posted by The Copywriting Engineer View Post

        Hey Brian,

        Why did you slant the revenues? Also the smaller picture looks more professional and clean. But what made you do that switch? The hour glass is easier on the eyes also.
        A) TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC CONJECTURE: Perspective and setting images askew seems to make screencaps and certain other graphical elements more visually "believable". Maybe it's that they look less like a screenprint pasted onto the page and more like a "real thing" presented on the page. I don't know... I just like it.

        B) It looked better with the "Here's The Proof" subhead, the hole between Revenues and the other type in the screencap, and the new location of the headshot salutation.

        C) I spent a sum total of maybe 5 minutes in PS annotating the existing deck image - working with what we got.
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        • Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

          A) TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC CONJECTURE: Perspective and setting images askew seems to make screencaps and certain other graphical elements more visually "believable". Maybe it's that they look less like a screenprint pasted onto the page and more like a "real thing" presented on the page. I don't know... I just like it.

          B) It looked better with the "Here's The Proof" subhead, the hole between Revenues and the other type in the screencap, and the new location of the headshot salutation.

          C) I spent a sum total of maybe 5 minutes in PS annotating the existing deck image - working with what we got.


          Cool cool, there are people out there who notice believable designs and people who skim right through it.


          Alright, I see you critiquing designs a lot so I thought Id match up what you are doing and what Im thinking.


          Thanks!
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          www.highcalibercopy.com

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    • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
      Hey Brian: Many thanks for the improved headline/header. : )


      Cheers,
      Jonathan
      Signature
      "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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  • And do you know how the lovely Marilyn managed that enticing sway when she walked?

    One heal was 1/2 inch shorter than the other.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author verial
    For $19, you've given him a noticeable improvement. But you're still a long way from writing compelling copy. I'm not going to give you specific advice for this sales letter, but I'll give you a piece of business advice:

    Stay away from writing copy for anyone selling a $6 product! The dude has a scarcity mindset. That's not the type of client you want.
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