26 replies
I'm interested in getting some reviews and opinions on a sales page I wrote and designed for someone else. The traffic is coming from Bing ppc, and the conversions are only .48%. I expected more.

This page was changed from it's previous version, which wasn't doing any better.

Here's the sales page:
The Solution for Diabetes

Thanks
Tony
#copy #needed #reviews
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  • Profile picture of the author CurtisSWN
    I don't have much trouble with the copy, possibly over-salesy. Above the fold maybe just one "gotcha" then tell them to scroll down for more info, possibly a video.
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    Simple Two Step Formula
    Earns Me Over $146.72 in 12 Hours. This is Weird, But it Works!
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    • Profile picture of the author Inline
      1. Header- Get rid of it. It does nothing to draw someone in.

      2. Try changing Pre headline and your Headline to something like (You definately need to test different headlines, this is HUGE)

      "Attention Diabetes Sufferers....

      Discover How To Get Rid Of Your Diabetic Symptoms And Regain Control Of Your Health Once And For All.

      3. Get the story started right away, pull them into it fast.

      "When I was diagnosed at being on the verge of Full Blown Type 2 Diabetes I was shocked. And Very Worried.

      I was 25 years old and this meant I was headed for decades of a life complicated with multiple life threatening risks if I didn't get better.

      I would have to deal with complications such as ...
      -
      -
      -

      So here's what I did. I started to research...."


      4. I don't get the Warning next to the ebook cover. ( I mean I get it but I don't think it enhances my interest, it's a conflict. Its not working for me. Try changing it or even eliminate it.)

      5. Some of the things you'll learn Bullets.

      Spell out what i get from these things.

      EX: "How To improve insulin secretion from your pancreas, so that your body does what its supposed to do, automatically."

      "How certain spices and "superfoods" will give you a higher performing body to combat your diabetic symptoms."

      "How slight adjustments in your daily life can have a dramatic effect on your bodies ability to regulate your blood sugar for you, so you might be able to even eliminate drugs"

      or something along those lines... Make sense?

      6. Make your testimonials highlighted with the same design.
      The first two are different, one is an email format and one is on notebook paper design.
      Yes they look authentic but they are hard to read.
      These are powerful, they should be easy to identify and read.


      7. There is no price on the Buy now button? It was very hard to find out how much it was. Make that more prominent- look at others designs

      8. Add a P.S. and remind them of what will happen if they don't change and another call to action.

      Just my thoughts of course, give it a try if you like.
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  • It's PAS copy (problem, agitate, solve).

    Nothing wrong with that.

    IF you were one of a just a few "diabete solutions" sites.

    But there are many. Most are saying what you're saying.

    So, you have to differentiate your site from the masses.

    One way is to absolutely stun your audience into reading - by telling there is a "new mechanism"
    to help cure, alleviate or manage diabetes. Something they don't already know. It must be genuine.

    Create a such an intense intrigue in your prehead, headline, and subheadline…

    So there is no choice - they have to read on - the copy needs to be truly enlightening - the readers realize they must have this "answer" and buy the book.

    With no hype, brashness or screaming needed.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author TjarkHartmann
    If you're a diabetic and worried about finding a cure --so worried that you're looking for information outside of the doctors office -- wouldn't you already know all of the complications that come along with diabetes?

    If so, once they get to your list of "complications", I'd assume they would say "Nothing I don't know already" and be turned off.
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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      1/2-1% is the normal conversion range when direct linking to a Clickbank offer with search PPC.

      Try driving your traffic to a well-written presell page first. You might be able to raise conversions that way.

      Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      Originally Posted by TjarkHartmann View Post

      If you're a diabetic and worried about finding a cure --so worried that you're looking for information outside of the doctors office -- wouldn't you already know all of the complications that come along with diabetes?

      If so, once they get to your list of "complications", I'd assume they would say "Nothing I don't know already" and be turned off.
      Yes, ^^ this.

      First, the market. Only a VERY small % of diabetics seek a magic bullet cure, probably about the same amount as those who believe you can get rich quick with IM.

      We know the problem, and the only solution: lifestyle food/exercise change.
      We know there is not a cure.
      We know there is not a pill which eliminates, cures or stops diabetes.

      So, the competition for magic cures is fierce, albeit lucrative, for those who walk and/or even cross the line into "cures" and downright lies. But making money off of the gullible is a choice of morals, and like the Bernie Madoffs of the world, you won't find any lack of Kevin Trudeau con artists making money off desperate people.

      This smacks of Kevin Trudeau type copy, but he did get rich.

      gjabiz

      PS. Oh, and he did wind up exactly where he should be. With all the clickbank legit offers, why pick such a frauduct?
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      • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
        A diabetes "cure" product (not this one) is the third-highest selling (by Gravity) offer on Clickbank.

        Alex
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        • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
          Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

          A diabetes "cure" product (not this one) is the third-highest selling (by Gravity) offer on Clickbank.

          Alex
          So what? Bull Sh8t sells in health, MMO, Biz-Op, Survival/Preppie niches and even in Copywriting training.

          Bernie Madoff made millions. Kevin Trudeau made millions. As did Don Lapre.

          There have always been best selling frauducts.

          Sell what you want. But there isn't a relationship between making money (high gravity) and truth.

          gjabiz

          PS. My review the OP asked for was/is: It reads like Kevin Trudeau copy.
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          • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
            Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

            So what?
            The Clickbank statistic I quoted adds context to the discussion.

            Alex
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      • Profile picture of the author Cool Hand Luke
        Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post


        First, the market. Only a VERY small % of diabetics seek a magic bullet cure, probably about the same amount as those who believe you can get rich quick with IM.
        My cb account rep and several other cb employees and affiliates at the Traffic & Conversion summit last week confirmed that diabetes-related offers are doing seven figures a DAY in sales for CB right now.

        That small % is HUGE and desperate, and as long as it's allowed, snake oil peddlers will be taking advantage of them. The OP's clients are perfect examples.
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        • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
          Just a comment on the wording of your request...

          You might get a better response from this forum if you avoid the word "needed." It's self-absorbed and not that polite. Keep in mind that you are asking a favor, not issuing a command to your subjects.

          The other day at the swimming pool, where I was swimming laps, a woman leaned down at me and said, "I need this lane." Her rudeness astonished me and got me thinking of ways to say no. Everyone else says, "May I share your lane?" or "Is it OK if we split the lane?" and then says "Thank you."

          Marcia Yudkin
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        • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
          Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

          First, the market. Only a VERY small % of diabetics seek a magic bullet cure, probably about the same amount as those who believe you can get rich quick with IM.
          A lot of IMers are looking for a magic success bullet. That desire drives a high percentage of sales in the niche.

          Alex
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          • Profile picture of the author Tonester
            Thanks everyone. Glad I started this thread, not for my benefit but I see it brought up a whole range of topics on diabetes and selling health related products.

            First, this is not MY offer, I wrote this for someone else as a way to test my copywriting skills. I don't have the disease myself and have never looked into marketing a product in this niche.

            What I do know is this. I've talked to the author numerous times and this product is FOR REAL, not some magic bullet cure or anything like that. So, if you are reading this copy and thinking it's just another "snake-oil salesman" selling a cure for diabetes and false promises, then that's definitely the impression I wanted to achieve.

            All of the suggestions are excellent and I am definitely taking them into account.

            Tony
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            • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
              Originally Posted by Tonester View Post


              So, if you are reading this copy and thinking it's just another "snake-oil salesman" selling a cure for diabetes and false promises, then that's definitely the impression I wanted to achieve.

              Tony
              IF this is what you meant, then you DID achieve your goal.

              gjabiz
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              • Profile picture of the author Tonester
                Woops, mistyped that last sentence. What I meant to say was I'm NOT wanting to give the impression that it's another "snake oil salesman" selling false promises. I believe my copy says that though.
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                • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
                  Originally Posted by Tonester View Post

                  Woops, mistyped that last sentence. What I meant to say was I'm NOT wanting to give the impression that it's another "snake oil salesman" selling false promises. I believe my copy says that though.
                  OK, let's look at the copy...
                  888888888888888888888888888888888

                  SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR MEDS. AND INSULIN!
                  These Natural Treatments Work And Will Make Them Obsolete.

                  In fact, I guarantee my methods will work for you, just as they have worked for thousands of others!

                  How Much Money Could You Save By Treating Your Diabetes Naturally?

                  No more doctor visits. No more expensive meds. No more sticking your finger to test your blood sugar. And most important... no more worry!

                  88888888888888888888888 From the Disclaimer...
                  Always consult with your physician about your personal health, medical, hormonal and blood sugar related issues.
                  Anyone wishing to embark on any dietary, drug, exercise or lifestyle change for the purpose of preventing or treating a disease or health condition should first consult with, and seek clearance and guidance from, a competent health care professional.
                  Any individual wishing to apply the information in this website and related communications, materials and/or products for the purposes of improving their own health should not do so without first reviewing the scientific references cited and consulting with a qualified medical practitioner. All patients need to be treated in an individual manner by their personal medical advisors.
                  88888888888888888888888888888888888

                  So, what doctor or health care professional out there is FREE? How am I going to have no more doctor visits by following this advice, yet ALL PATIENTS NEED TO BE TREATED IN AN INDIVIDUAL MANNER,

                  While you wrote:
                  In fact, I guarantee my methods will work for you, just as they have worked for thousands of others!

                  Just because in your copy you say it isn't snake oil, doesn't mean it isn't read that way...and the proof of your reader's thinking on this subject can be found in the results you got from this. Your RESULTS or lack of them, is the best critique you can get...arguing over your INTENT, doesn't jive with what people are reading and ignoring.

                  Hey, Tony, I'm really trying to help you here.

                  gjabiz
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                  • Profile picture of the author Tonester
                    Hey there gjabiz,

                    Constructive criticism is always fine with me. No offense. Points well taken. I'm redoing the page anyway, and I will consider your comments.

                    Tony
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                    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
                      Originally Posted by Tonester View Post

                      Hey there gjabiz,

                      Constructive criticism is always fine with me. No offense. Points well taken. I'm redoing the page anyway, and I will consider your comments.

                      Tony
                      How about the legal jeopardy you may be putting yourself in... have you thought about that?

                      Someone could "say goodbye" to their meds and insulin... and die.

                      Alex
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                      • Profile picture of the author WD Mino
                        That's what I like about you Alex, you always seem to bring some rationality.

                        Do not ever tell anyone they can stop taking their medication

                        As the copywriter your job is to know the market and present the solution as a viable product.
                        I don't go for conspiracy stuff, I was on all sorts of meds and to tell someone they can take them away by a cure, there is no known cure for diabetes type 1
                        type 2 CAN(meaning it is possible) be regulated with diet and exercise but type 1 your body will destroy itself.
                        Also, this is a fabricated claim, type makes no insulin, that is the problem. So that kind of claim is false in and of itself

                        Personally I would never write copy for something making this claim. It is not a matter of if it could work it is a matter of the people that will believe it and try stopping their meds.
                        If a person stops taking insulin they will very quickly become toxic. that is not something to play around with.

                        You cannot guarantee anything. Especially that they can stop their meds. I am not a lawyer but I am pretty sure all parties involved could be named.

                        -WD
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                      • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
                        Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

                        How about the legal jeopardy you may be putting yourself in... have you thought about that?

                        Someone could "say goodbye" to their meds and insulin... and die.

                        Alex
                        Bingo....

                        I had just written a sales letter for a diabetes program and got an email
                        back from the client asking why I didn't include what some of the sites
                        on Clickbank say... like "get rid of your insulin, daily shots, and prescription
                        meds".

                        I wrote back and said "sure, I can add that... but are you ready to lose
                        your house, bank account, and all other assets if someone buys your
                        program, stops taking their insulin, and dies"

                        You gotta be careful not to model after everything you see on Clickbank...
                        because you could be rolling the dice on whether or not you get sued.

                        Like Luke said.... snake oil peddlers are willing to risk the chance, and
                        rolling the dice, hoping they make enough money in a short time... they
                        sock it away and hide it from when the FTC comes knocking.

                        And I've had friends in the supplement business lose everything they
                        owned... because they didn't think what they said in their marketing
                        would come back and bite them.

                        Until it did.

                        It really is a fine line... and it's also pretty discouraging to see some
                        marketers bring in big bucks with claims you know are fake and made
                        up.

                        But tis the world we live in... ala Kevin Trudea.
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  • I stay well clear of any gigs that make false claims, downright lies or deception.

    But I understand why so many buy into the "promises"(because if you're in "pain" you are desperate for a solution - even if there isn't one - people need hope).

    Do remember if someone sells on CB or for that matter virtually anywhere else the "product" good, bad or a load of rubbish comes with a guarantee.

    So anyone who feels duped will get their money back.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author humantheme
    I have written for the Diabetes market, and I would like to give little peak into what I've learned.

    Convincing people that you can cure diabetes (Type - I & II) is like trying to convince a half-legged fellow that you can naturally grow his leg back .... without any drugs or medicines.

    Not saying it's impossible, but just try to think about the amount of proof that you would need to put in, just to make your prospect believe that such a thing is even possible.
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    • Profile picture of the author DABK
      Have you seen the keywords they're bidding on? You're assuming that the copy is the only problem. Why?

      Some keywords will get you the traffic but not the conversions.

      PS I don't have diabetes. If I had, I'd rather get rid of it altogether, not just the symptoms.
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  • Profile picture of the author OliviasDad
    I would second the call for a presell page, especially with anything medical.

    You can focus on a very specific circumstance, or a very specific fact, and do so in a less threatening environment. More education, less selling...

    You will probably then get better response on the sales page. If the presell does it's job, and they've already given you one yes, the sale on the next page will probably come easier...

    My two cents...
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    • Profile picture of the author debml
      An A1C of 3.8 indicates chronic hypoglycemia over the previous 90 days. (Hypoglycemia is low blood sugar: hyperglycemia is high blood sugar.)

      Just wondering... how much time does your client spends comatose each day? Does he find the seizures bothersome? Does he vomit much?

      Perhaps it's just the nausea, cold sweats and shaking. That's the part I hate most about being hypoglycemic.

      You need to do more research on both your market and the disease to make this work.
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