If you've got the time - I'd love your opinions on my copy - Image in thread!

Hi,
I liked most of the copy, up to the crochet patterns...Then the flow just seemed to change. Just a few things I would change initially.

1. I would split the top half of the text up with little bold headings to make it look less intimidating. They dont even really need to make any sense, you could just bold the 'you see...' if you wanted to and psychologically the reader wouldn't feel like they had read all that first section in one big chunk.

2. I would strip out unnecessary bits of wordage...eg, on the line underneath your earnings people wouldn't be thinking about production, postage, paypal fees etc so i wouldn't even mention it....Same with the 30p disc higher in the copy.

3. I would make the headline less informative, but this is just my opinion really. I wouldn't mention the info products at all. I know that's the whole point of the system you are pushing but if you mention it in the title then they don't really need to read the rest of your copy, they already know what you are trying to sell them.

There's a few other bits, but i'm too damn lazy to type it out!

Easy,

1. When writing a headline, you must always be specific, never vague. Vagueness draws in the unqualified. It also increases your refund requests.

Here's your vague preheadline:

"Sick of trying systems that just don't work?"

Here's a specific headline:

"Sick of eBay selling systems that just don't work?"

If I'm someone who is fond of selling on eBay I would be more inclined to read farther.

2. After the "Hey there Warriors" you have 10 mini paragraphs talking all about you. This is where most lose their reader's attention. I'd give some serious thought to rewriting that section.

Something to keep in the back of your mind, if you walked into one of your local businesses that sold an item you loved, but the clerk stopped you to tell you how he found that product, he negotiated the wholesale price for it, he went to the distributor to see how the product was made, how he, and he and he and he, you would probably turn around and walk out of the store.

That's what your sales letter is doing.

The headline is pretty poor, and generic - these 'make money on eBay' courses have been around since about 15 minutes after eBay started. Mostly they're a load of bollocks, and your reader knows it.


Before you go any further into the body, start on the headline.


Remember the best formula: Curiosity + Benefit = Interest


Example: John Carlton's "One-Legged Golfer" headline
A One-Legged Golfer! WTF!!!! = Curiosity
300 yard straight drive? = Benefit


Now you've got them interested...

I don't know why but I can't see any picture on this website