[Need A Critique] Clothing Store Website Sales Letter

35 replies
This is my third draft, but, I feel like it is missing something. I know its better than the last one I wrote. Let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcomed here.


Experience Your "Pregnancy Bliss" in Style with
Pink Blush Maternity


Dear Reader,

Warning! This letter is for the glamorous woman whose excited to become a wonderful mom, but doesn't want to dress like a mom. So, if you're the type who loves to wear oversized t-shirts with holes and grease stains and sweat pants while you're pregnant then, read no farther, this is not for you.

The Glamorous Style pinkblushmaternity.com
Offers to Soon to Be Moms​


Pink Blush Maternity presents an array of elite clothing at low prices. Including, elegant dresses so, you can take a night out on the town with your significant other and be stared at with the green-eye.


Go window shopping with your friends in style -- we provide a variety of chic and trendy looks, including, pants and blouses for your everyday wear.

You're not a size 0 celebrity with a baby bump? No worries, you can still look like a celebrity because our maternity clothes sizes range from XS - 3XL. To get your perfect fit, tap on our sizing guide.

Low price clothing so, you can spend your money on furnishing the new baby room.

So, what should you do NOW?

Visit pinkblushmaternity.com
TODAY!​


Right now, Pink Bush Maternity is offering you a $25 off coupon code. Plus, US shipping is free on orders $50 and over.Type in Code: PINK3 to get your $25 off on your order (this coupon code does not work on clearance items).

In addition, as a new customer, we would like to give you 20% off on your next order. Just sign up with us by email and we send you the 20% off coupon code.

Remember!

This invite is for the women who want to look beautiful while embarking on a new adventure only in style.


P.S. The gift just keep coming! Visit pinkblushmaterity.com now and recieve two black and grey tote bags with your order.
#advertising #clothing #clothing store #copywriter #critique #letter #sales #sales copy #sales letter #store #website
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Originally Posted by Jessica S View Post

    This is my third draft, but, I feel like it is missing something. I know its better than the last one I wrote. Let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcomed here.


    Experience Your "Pregnancy Bliss" in Style with
    Pink Blush Maternity


    Dear Reader,

    Warning! This letter is for the glamorous woman whose excited to become a wonderful mom, but doesn't want to dress like a mom. So, if you're the type who loves to wear oversized t-shirts with holes and grease stains and sweat pants while you're pregnant then, read no farther, this is not for you.

    The Glamorous Style pinkblushmaternity.com
    Offers to Soon to Be Moms​


    Pink Blush Maternity presents an array of elite clothing at low prices. Including, elegant dresses so, you can take a night out on the town with your significant other and be stared at with the green-eye.


    Go window shopping with your friends in style -- we provide a variety of chic and trendy looks, including, pants and blouses for your everyday wear.

    You're not a size 0 celebrity with a baby bump? No worries, you can still look like a celebrity because our maternity clothes sizes range from XS - 3XL. To get your perfect fit, tap on our sizing guide.

    Low price clothing so, you can spend your money on furnishing the new baby room.

    So, what should you do NOW?

    Visit pinkblushmaternity.com
    TODAY!​


    Right now, Pink Bush Maternity is offering you a $25 off coupon code. Plus, US shipping is free on orders $50 and over.Type in Code: PINK3 to get your $25 off on your order (this coupon code does not work on clearance items).

    In addition, as a new customer, we would like to give you 20% off on your next order. Just sign up with us by email and we send you the 20% off coupon code.

    Remember!

    This invite is for the women who want to look beautiful while embarking on a new adventure only in style.


    P.S. The gift just keep coming! Visit pinkblushmaterity.com now and recieve two black and grey tote bags with your order.
    Have you shown this to any moms you know?

    Are you a mom?
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  • Profile picture of the author chillheart
    Is this for direct mail or is this going on your website home page?

    If it's the latter then why state the name of the website while they're already on the website?
    Signature
    Chillin' hard...
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    • Profile picture of the author Jessica S
      I am not affiliated with the company. I am a new copywriter; I decided to pick this site to use for practice. It's a sales letter.
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      • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
        Originally Posted by Jessica S View Post

        I am not affiliated with the company. I am a new copywriter; I decided to pick this site to use for practice. It's a sales letter.
        I'd love for you to try the exercise I suggested above. Show it to moms. Ask what they think. If it's what I suspect, you'll have your answer.

        Frankly, you're going to learn more from THEM, being your target market, than you will from here.

        But it reads much more content than it does sales. At best, I see a very superficial understanding of what motivates a woman, pregnant or otherwise.
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  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    Originally Posted by Jessica S View Post

    This is my third draft, but, I feel like it is missing something. I know its better than the last one I wrote. Let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcomed here.


    Experience Your "Pregnancy Bliss" in Style with
    Pink Blush Maternity


    Dear Reader,

    Warning! This letter is for the glamorous woman whose excited to become a wonderful mom, but doesn't want to dress like a mom. So, if you're the type who loves to wear oversized t-shirts with holes and grease stains and sweat pants while you're pregnant then, read no farther, this is not for you.

    The Glamorous Style pinkblushmaternity.com
    Offers to Soon to Be Moms​


    Pink Blush Maternity presents an array of elite clothing at low prices. Including, elegant dresses so, you can take a night out on the town with your significant other and be stared at with the green-eye.


    Go window shopping with your friends in style -- we provide a variety of chic and trendy looks, including, pants and blouses for your everyday wear.

    You're not a size 0 celebrity with a baby bump? No worries, you can still look like a celebrity because our maternity clothes sizes range from XS - 3XL. To get your perfect fit, tap on our sizing guide.

    Low price clothing so, you can spend your money on furnishing the new baby room.

    So, what should you do NOW?

    Visit pinkblushmaternity.com
    TODAY!​


    Right now, Pink Bush Maternity is offering you a $25 off coupon code. Plus, US shipping is free on orders $50 and over.Type in Code: PINK3 to get your $25 off on your order (this coupon code does not work on clearance items).

    In addition, as a new customer, we would like to give you 20% off on your next order. Just sign up with us by email and we send you the 20% off coupon code.

    Remember!

    This invite is for the women who want to look beautiful while embarking on a new adventure only in style.


    P.S. The gift just keep coming! Visit pinkblushmaterity.com now and recieve two black and grey tote bags with your order.

    Add a little urgency -- don't forget cut-off dates for your limited-time offers...

    And I'm not the target market but the headline seems a bit like "self-indulgent" creativity. Since when is pregnancy "bliss"? Don't you throw up a lot and your feet swell up? I dunno... (I'm a dude...)

    Point is, sometimes writers get stuck on some bit of "creativity" they fall in love with... Gotta take a long hard look at it and ask if it really helps the copy... Just sayin'...
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  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    Forgetting the copy for just a moment, you've got some issues with spelling and punctuation. I only skimmed through this but you've got so many commas in odd places that it really disrupts the flow of your sentences.
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  • Many would rather jump onto a stage and do a speech to complete strangers (with no script) rather than post a critique here.

    So well done for being so brave.

    As for the advice - I would do a large postcard maybe with 3 outfits highlighting the offer and directing the mums - to - be to the interweb site.

    Because essentially that is the aim.

    Postcards are a lot cheaper, you can use color and can distribute tons more than letters.

    And the sales are made not from a letter or postcard but when the ladies see all the styles and designs.

    Again, all you should so is entice them in droves to the site in the most cost effective way possible.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author ChrisNosal
    Banned
    Don't use so much hype, and cut straight through the crap to what she really wants.

    Think of, "experience your pregnancy bliss" to a real-world reflection of how she would actually think - "look and feel like the most beautiful woman in the entire world"

    Also, think of your user's knowledge and understanding of what you write - do they have a refrence in their head already for exactly what "pink bluish maternity" means when they read it, or is their brain going to draw a blank and go, "what's that?" and have to do the hard work of trying to figure out.

    I'd also remove, "So, if you’re the type who loves to wear oversized t-shirts with holes and grease stains and sweat pants while you’re pregnant then, read no farther, this is not for you" - that image enters your customer's mind while they're on your page, and through psychological imprinting they unconsciously associate that image and feelings while they're looking at your page.

    I'd say write this entire sales lettering speaking to what's going through her mind, and what solution she's looking for from your products.

    Write this thinking:

    "she's feeling insecure about herself, her looks, and her weight, how do I tell her my clothes and products will make her look and feel like the most beautiful woman in the world with very little dent to her bank account?"

    Write everything in your content as an answer to that question.
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  • Profile picture of the author simpleguy
    Originally Posted by Jessica S View Post

    This is my third draft, but, I feel like it is missing something. I know its better than the last one I wrote. Let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcomed here.


    Experience Your "Pregnancy Bliss" in Style with
    Pink Blush Maternity


    Dear Reader,

    Warning! This letter is for the glamorous woman whose excited to become a wonderful mom, but doesn't want to dress like a mom. So, if you're the type who loves to wear oversized t-shirts with holes and grease stains and sweat pants while you're pregnant then, read no farther, this is not for you.

    The Glamorous Style pinkblushmaternity.com
    Offers to Soon to Be Moms​


    Pink Blush Maternity presents an array of elite clothing at low prices. Including, elegant dresses so, you can take a night out on the town with your significant other and be stared at with the green-eye.


    Go window shopping with your friends in style -- we provide a variety of chic and trendy looks, including, pants and blouses for your everyday wear.

    You're not a size 0 celebrity with a baby bump? No worries, you can still look like a celebrity because our maternity clothes sizes range from XS - 3XL. To get your perfect fit, tap on our sizing guide.

    Low price clothing so, you can spend your money on furnishing the new baby room.

    So, what should you do NOW?

    Visit pinkblushmaternity.com
    TODAY!​


    Right now, Pink Bush Maternity is offering you a $25 off coupon code. Plus, US shipping is free on orders $50 and over.Type in Code: PINK3 to get your $25 off on your order (this coupon code does not work on clearance items).

    In addition, as a new customer, we would like to give you 20% off on your next order. Just sign up with us by email and we send you the 20% off coupon code.

    Remember!

    This invite is for the women who want to look beautiful while embarking on a new adventure only in style.


    P.S. The gift just keep coming! Visit pinkblushmaterity.com now and recieve two black and grey tote bags with your order.
    I would cut it much shorter. AND focus only on the benefits of the end user. Example: Look good while you're pregnant, or feel comfortable in our clothes. Basically youu must always focus on the benefits they will experience when they buy your clothes. Adding a video to reinforce those benefits will also help tremendously.

    Hope that helped you
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  • Profile picture of the author TjarkHartmann
    I have no idea if the content of your message will relate to soon-to-be mothers, but here are a couple of things I can say with certainty:

    1) You're misusing comma's a lot. For example: "Including, elegant dresses so, you can..." In this case, the commas should actually be deleted completely.

    2) Too many so's.

    3) The offer is confusing. Is it $25 off or 20% off or both? After a closer look, it seems the message is an additional 20% off if they sign up. Clearly state that. Right now, it is too complicated.

    On to more of a speculation... is elite really a word you want to use when describing clothing for pregnant women? Do they want to be elite?

    Elite: A group or class of persons considered to be superior to others because of their intelligence, social standing, or wealth. The best or most skilled members of a group.

    Versus the use of elegant in the sentence immediately after.

    Elegant: Tasteful in dress, style, or design. Dignified and graceful in appearance, behavior, etc.

    Now, I can't say whether you should use elite or not. I just wanted you to realize the affect one word can have on the image and feeling you give to the reader.
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    Tjark: Pronounced like "Jacques" in Jacques Cousteau.

    www.TjarkHartmann.com

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  • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
    You are working way to hard at that...try something simpler that's entering the conversation already going on in the prospects mind...

    Why Pregnant Women Dress Like Old Ladies


    And how to feel yourself again...


    Dear Mom-To-Be,

    Why do clothing manufacturers think maternity wear should also mean 'old lady' wear?

    It's a time in your life you should feel beautiful.

    You should be absolutely glowing.

    I'll bet you feel frumpy instead.

    It's like they think because you're pregnant, you don't have any need to feel pretty...

    Like you're somehow not a woman anymore.

    Typical maternity wear is probably designed by a man...
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    • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
      Originally Posted by JohnRussell View Post

      You are working way to hard at that...try something simpler that's entering the conversation already going on in the prospects mind...

      Why Pregnant Women Dress Like Old Ladies


      And how to feel yourself again...


      Dear Mom-To-Be,

      Why do clothing manufacturers think maternity wear should also mean 'old lady' wear?

      It's a time in your life you should feel beautiful.

      You should be absolutely glowing.

      I'll bet you feel frumpy instead.

      It's like they think because you're pregnant, you don't have any need to feel pretty...

      Like you're somehow not a woman anymore.

      Typical maternity wear is probably designed by a man...
      Normally I'd be skeptical of whether a man could truly enter a woman's mind, especially when it's in the throes of the hormone-induced neurosis that is pregnancy.

      John, you just proved me wrong. Bravo, sir.
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      • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
        Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

        Normally I'd be skeptical of whether a man could truly enter a woman's mind, especially when it's in the throes of the hormone-induced neurosis that is pregnancy.

        John, you just proved me wrong. Bravo, sir.
        It's been a long time since my wife was pregnant...but I did listen to her at the time
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    • Profile picture of the author splitTest
      Originally Posted by JohnRussell View Post

      You are working way to hard at that...try something simpler that's entering the conversation already going on in the prospects mind...

      Why Pregnant Women Dress Like Old Ladies


      And how to feel yourself again...


      Dear Mom-To-Be,

      Why do clothing manufacturers think maternity wear should also mean 'old lady' wear?

      It's a time in your life you should feel beautiful.

      You should be absolutely glowing.

      I'll bet you feel frumpy instead.

      It's like they think because you're pregnant, you don't have any need to feel pretty...

      Like you're somehow not a woman anymore.

      Typical maternity wear is probably designed by a man...
      Nice spin!
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      • Profile picture of the author DABK
        My wife strongly objects to 'pregnancy bliss.' I guess she's not glamorous?

        Too many words. Need to pay more attention to punctuation.

        From what I recall, the issue was why did she have to spend so much time finding something that fit that didn't look like it was made for her grandma? Wasn't it enough the was puking? feeling tired? etc.
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    • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
      Originally Posted by JohnRussell View Post

      You are working way to hard at that...try something simpler that's entering the conversation already going on in the prospects mind...

      Why Pregnant Women Dress Like Old Ladies


      And how to feel yourself again...


      Dear Mom-To-Be,

      Why do clothing manufacturers think maternity wear should also mean 'old lady' wear?

      It's a time in your life you should feel beautiful.

      You should be absolutely glowing.

      I'll bet you feel frumpy instead.

      It's like they think because you're pregnant, you don't have any need to feel pretty...

      Like you're somehow not a woman anymore.

      Typical maternity wear is probably designed by a man...
      This is much clearer than the original.

      Especially, the "feel like yourself" angle.

      "Pregnancy Bliss" is just too vague.

      Could mean a lot of things.
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  • Great copy by John.

    And dare I say, it would fit perfectly onto a Postcard.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Q&A: Budget maternity clothes? - Pregnancy - Maternity Fashion


    "Saving Up For Baby
    Q&A: Budget Maternity Clothes?

    I’m reluctant to spend much on maternity clothes,because I know I won’t need them for very long. How can I save money as I shop?

    You’re not the only one with this problem… as evidenced by the stacks of barely worn maternity clothes in most secondhand stores. (A great place to find quality bargains, by the way.) The easiest place to start, though, is at home… in your husband’s closet. His clothes will be great for lounging around the house throughout your pregnancy, and his button-downs and blazers will probably work for the office well into your pregnancy. Worn unbuttoned, your own sweaters and blazers should also fit into your last trimester.

    Once you’re ready to pick up the pocketbook, go for a few quality basics (black pants, twill or denim pants,skirt, dress, blazer) in neutral colors (black, brown, navy). Look for items that can be dressed up for work or down for the weekends. Spend less money on cardigans, fitted tees and camis. These cheaper tops are a great place to get bright colors and patterns in, if you want. Rather than buy lots of tops at once, pick them up along the way to keep your wardrobe fresh… and fitting! Another smart place to splurge is on accessories. You’ll still fit in a necklace or scarf after baby comes, so it’s worth the investment.

    Finally, while it’s always smart to save, don’t be too frugal.Well-fitting clothes that make you feel good will make those tough last months a little bit more manageable.

    By The Bump Editors"

    When it comes to maternity clothes, here's some ideas:

    https://www.google.com/search?num=20....0.iw85P8Ow4ZI
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  • Complex makes a good point.

    So blend John and Ricks copy together.

    Both are great (I like Johns appeal to the ego and that women know best. And Ricks "you know what, you don't have to buy…but if you do here's how to do it).

    Add some brilliant images and terrific testimonials like Complex said.

    Maybe I mentioned images a bit earlier as well.

    And now you have a really good piece.

    It's going to need a very large Postcard to fit it all in.

    Like a "bump"er size.

    Now there's a thought, make it a pregnant postcard.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Jessica S
    To start off I would like to say thanks to everyone who replied. But, a real thank to Angie Cole. I went on different mommy forums and looked at what they had to say about maternity clothes. At of them said that they were expensive and not stylish.

    I came up with the first part of the sales letter...so you can tell me what you think. All of these ideas came from the forums.


    Nine Months of
    Inexpensive, Comfortable, and Stylish Clothes
    with Pink Blush Maternity

    Dear Stylish Mom-To-Be,

    You woke up this morning and tried on your favorite pair of blue jeans, but they wouldn't zip.

    You're probably thinking, “Crap! I am NOT buying any expensive maternity clothes...Especially, since, I wouldn't wear them in a few months.”

    Or

    You could be thinking, “Maternity clothes aren't stylish...they’ll make me look overweight not pregnant!”

    For most maternity clothing lines and stores... the above is true.

    But Pink Blush Maternity offers inexpensive clothing with comfort and style.

    Read what one recent customer said about us:

    “PinkBlush has a wide selection of youthful, on-trend maternity wear that I haven’t been able to find in any store...Traditional maternity stores are boring and pricey. As someone who doesn't believe that being pregnant means that you can’t look good, I think PinkBlush fills the gap quite well and I will definitely buy from them in the future.” -- Sally.
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    • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
      Originally Posted by Jessica S View Post

      To start off I would like to say thanks to everyone who replied. But, a real thank to Angie Cole. I went on different mommy forums and looked at what they had to say about maternity clothes. At of them said that they were expensive and not stylish.

      I came up with the first part of the sales letter...so you can tell me what you think. All of these ideas came from the forums.


      Nine Months of
      Inexpensive, Comfortable, and Stylish Clothes
      with Pink Blush Maternity

      Dear Stylish Mom-To-Be,

      You woke up this morning and tried on your favorite pair of blue jeans, but they wouldn't zip.

      You're probably thinking, “Crap! I am NOT buying any expensive maternity clothes...Especially, since, I wouldn't wear them in a few months.”

      Or

      You could be thinking, “Maternity clothes aren't stylish...they’ll make me look overweight not pregnant!”

      For most maternity clothing lines and stores... the above is true.

      But Pink Blush Maternity offers inexpensive clothing with comfort and style.

      Read what one recent customer said about us:

      “PinkBlush has a wide selection of youthful, on-trend maternity wear that I haven’t been able to find in any store...Traditional maternity stores are boring and pricey. As someone who doesn't believe that being pregnant means that you can’t look good, I think PinkBlush fills the gap quite well and I will definitely buy from them in the future.” -- Sally.
      You're making steps in the right direction, but tread carefully.

      Your job as a copywriter is NOT to tell them what they're thinking. It's to join the conversation already happening in their heads.

      Think about it - how do you react when someone tells you, "I know what you're thinking..." and frames the conversation accordingly.

      Do you hang on every word they say? Or tune them out?

      I know what I would do...

      However, if you take out the key elements of what they're thinking and turn that into benefits that entice, you're standing on a much stronger platform.

      Did you show it to them, or just join in the forums to see what they were venting about? The message still seems very superficial.
      Signature

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      • Profile picture of the author Jessica S
        Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

        You're making steps in the right direction, but tread carefully.

        Your job as a copywriter is NOT to tell them what they're thinking. It's to join the conversation already happening in their heads.

        Think about it - how do you react when someone tells you, "I know what you're thinking..." and frames the conversation accordingly.

        Do you hang on every word they say? Or tune them out?

        I know what I would do...

        However, if you take out the key elements of what they're thinking and turn that into benefits that entice, you're standing on a much stronger platform.

        Did you show it to them, or just join in the forums to see what they were venting about? The message still seems very superficial.
        Thanks I will sign up to a forum and post the letter and wait for a response. What do you mean by superficial? I'm stating what they care about...looking great while pregnant. Is it the word choice?

        P.S. I agree with the "telling them what their thinking" parts. I really really really hate when a guy does that.
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        • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
          Originally Posted by Jessica S View Post

          Thanks I will sign up to a forum and post the letter and wait for a response. What do you mean by superficial? I'm stating what they care about...looking great while pregnant. Is it the word choice?

          P.S. I agree with the "telling them what their thinking" parts. I really really really hate when a guy does that.
          I'll send you a PM in a little while.
          Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
    Much better...

    If you're going that angle, try making it even simpler but more specific...

    24 Maternity Tops Under $20

    So Stylish and Comfortable, You'll Wish You Could
    Wear Them Even After The Baby Arrives...
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
    Angie makes a great point. And you could use her advice to change a line like this:

    "You woke up this morning and tried on your favorite pair of blue jeans, but they wouldn't zip."

    to something like..

    "Wouldn't it be nice to throw on a pair of jeans, fresh out of the wash, and they fit you perfectly...even when you're 9 months pregnant?

    And wouldn't it be nice if those same jeans were reasonably priced in the first place?"
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    • Profile picture of the author Jessica S
      Originally Posted by JohnRussell View Post

      Angie makes a great point. And you could use her advice to change a line like this:

      "You woke up this morning and tried on your favorite pair of blue jeans, but they wouldn't zip."

      to something like..

      "Wouldn't it be nice to throw on a pair of jeans, fresh out of the wash, and they fit you perfectly...even when you're 9 months pregnant?

      And wouldn't it be nice if those same jeans were reasonably priced in the first place?"
      Whoever said copywriting is easy is a LIE...

      Most copywriters will say "you can write great copy in 14 days." Or give you a crappy half butt 68-page ebook about "3 easy steps to being a million dollar copywriter." (not that I'm trying to be a millionaire...more like trying to pay some bills).

      You and Angie are really helping me out...it beats signing up to an overpriced copywriting course with information I can get from a free ebook.

      Enough with the rants and pure frustration with myself...

      Advice time!

      What books should I read about copywriting? Also, who is your mentor? What suggestions or advice would you give me?

      I am going to take a break from this sales letter for a couple of days. I'll comeback with a fresh mind and start on something new in the mean while.

      I have to learn a lot
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  • Profile picture of the author trustdnb
    Coming out and directly saying "I know that you are thinking X,Y,Z" is risky, because it immediately challenges your visitor to potentially disagree with your frame.

    You can hit the same points using a couple of different approaches. One way is to simply rewrite it as a question rather than a definitive statement: "Are you tired of hard to clean mildew stains?" "Are you fed up fancy exercise machines that do nothing to kill that unsightly fat around your waist?" "Are you tired of trying to find affordable maternity clothes that actually fit without making you look fat?"

    You could also use a narrative style story to hit the same points. This often works best as a first person story, but it can also work in the third person:

    "Meet Sandy. Sandy is pregnant with her second child in three years. Sandy loves being a mom and can't wait to add a new member to her family. Sandy tries to look good, but hates buying for expensive maternity clothes that only will only fit for a few months...."

    This way is a little bit harder to execute, but can be very powerful if done well.

    Also, the whole "Warning! ... if you’re the type who loves to wear oversized t-shirts with holes and grease stains and sweat pants while you’re pregnant then, read no farther, this is not for you." comes off really over the top. Holes and grease stains?

    While using something like "this is not for you if..." can be an effective way to position your value proposition against an alternative, the alternative needs to be realistic for this to be credible. You can't just say "Warning! This is not for you if you love going around looking like sh*t!"

    You need to set up an alternative that is realistic, but simply outside the framework of your core value proposition: "If you are perfectly content to spend the 9 months wearing nothing but leggings and oversized t-shirts this may not be for you." OR "If you have the budget (and size 0 body) of a celebrity then read no further." There is nothing wrong if someone happens to fall in either those groups, they simply are not someone who is gong to be receptive to your value proposition..
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    I think really good work is being done here. I love the collaboration from everyone.

    I believe PinkBlushMaternity.com could OWN the online maternity clothes market.

    But not they way they're going about it.

    The issue is NOT with the copy, but with the offer.

    "Right now, Pink Bush Maternity is offering you a $25 off coupon code. Plus, US shipping is free on orders $50 and over.Type in Code: PINK3 to get your $25 off on your order (this coupon code does not work on clearance items)."

    It's not good enough. It's not different enough. It's not enough to overcome big company branding. It's not irresistible.

    I would encourage fresh ideas in this area.

    Here's why:

    I'm sure several copywriters on the forum can reaffirm that the chances of a pregnant woman hitting the website and placing an order on their first visit is slim. That means email follow-up, special email promotions, bonding with your prospects is implied.

    So what can PinkBlushMaternity.com do to separate themselves from the competition?

    Again, great work!

    - Rick Duris
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    • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
      I would also look at expanding and personalizing your "About Us" page. Tell us your story. It's a family business. Who is the family? Where did the name come from? Why did you start this site?

      You say you understand the pressures of raising a family. Tell me that story. Give me details. How did you feel? Were you frustrated? Angry? How did you show that? People want to know the back story.

      A good way to structure this is to follow Kevin Roger's model in the "60 Second Sales Hook." You can sign up for his list at 60SecondSalesHook.com, or buy the book on Amazon. (No affiliate).

      Or just look at different sites. J Peterman has a simple one here:
      About Us Page | The J. Peterman Company

      Build your brand story and it will help you sell more product at higher margins.
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      Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
      - Jack Trout
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  • My take (sans formatting) (new here and this text box is a real goof)...


    Experience Pregnancy Bliss in Style
    with
    Pink Blush Maternity


    Dear Reader,


    Becoming a Mom Shouldn't Mean Giving Up On Style.


    Pregnancy is a great excuse to accessorise.

    Why wait till the baby arrives to make with the next big change in your life?


    At Pink Blush Maternity we believe you should party right to the wire.

    Fancy a night out on the town with your significant other (or 'guy')?

    We have all the elegant dresses you need to look knockout!


    Big news is, size is no big deal when it comes to hitting the catwalk with a baby bump.

    From XS - 3XL, we've got you covered, hon.

    That's everything from chic and trendy to everyday pants and blouses.

    Just tap on our sizing guide and step on out.


    Best of all, our premium style isn't tagged to a premium cost.

    We figure your baby will need stuff like a ROOM and DIAPERS in addition to a knock-em-dead mom.


    Make the best of waiting for the Stork by visiting pinkblushmaternity.com.


    Right now, you can pick up a $25 off coupon code.

    Just type in PINK3 and high five an angel.*

    If you're new here, your next order is 20% off, and US shipping is free on orders $50 and over.

    [hmmm, not sure I quite get the offers, but hey]


    Who knew pregnancy was so stylish?

    Who knew YOU were so stylish?





    * There are clearance offers also, so check these out for other ways to save cash.
    Signature

    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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    • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
      Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

      My take (sans formatting) (new here and this text box is a real goof)...


      Experience Pregnancy Bliss in Style
      with
      Pink Blush Maternity


      Dear Reader,


      Becoming a Mom Shouldn't Mean Giving Up On Style.


      Pregnancy is a great excuse to accessorise.

      Why wait till the baby arrives to make with the next big change in your life?


      At Pink Blush Maternity we believe you should party right to the wire.

      Fancy a night out on the town with your significant other (or 'guy')?

      We have all the elegant dresses you need to look knockout!


      Big news is, size is no big deal when it comes to hitting the catwalk with a baby bump.

      From XS - 3XL, we've got you covered, hon.

      That's everything from chic and trendy to everyday pants and blouses.

      Just tap on our sizing guide and step on out.


      Best of all, our premium style isn't tagged to a premium cost.

      We figure your baby will need stuff like a ROOM and DIAPERS in addition to a knock-em-dead mom.


      Make the best of waiting for the Stork by visiting pinkblushmaternity.com.


      Right now, you can pick up a $25 off coupon code.

      Just type in PINK3 and high five an angel.*

      If you're new here, your next order is 20% off, and US shipping is free on orders $50 and over.

      [hmmm, not sure I quite get the offers, but hey]


      Who knew pregnancy was so stylish?

      Who knew YOU were so stylish?





      * There are clearance offers also, so check these out for other ways to save cash.

      I'd say the same thing to you as I said to the OP.

      1) Have you been pregnant? If so, were you driven at all by being stylish? Most I know preferred being comfortable.

      2) Have you showed this to pregnant women to gauge their reaction? I'm guessing no.

      3) It shows promise if it's geared toward the super tiny niche of high-end moms that wake up early just to put their makeup on so their partners never see them with a hair out of place. But discounting is not how you reach that market.

      You've got a decent enough flow. Now you need to do research.
      Signature

      Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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      • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
        Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

        I'd say the same thing to you as I said to the OP.

        1) Have you been pregnant? If so, were you driven at all by being stylish? Most I know preferred being comfortable.
        I'm a little hurt that you didn't ask me that too Angie.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Awww, Seth. I never knew you were aiming for knockin' Ah-nold out of contention for the eventual remake of Junior.
    Signature

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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  • Profile picture of the author TypingPandas
    Hi there,

    You need a stronger call to action. You're just presenting the website and the products, but you're not urging the prospective customer to buy. It's more of a presentation than a sales copy.

    Also, you should double-check your spelling and grammar. For example: "This letter is for the glamorous woman whose excited..." - where "whose" is actually "who's". This is unacceptable in a copy.

    All the best,
    Typing Pandas
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    • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
      Originally Posted by TypingPandas View Post

      Hi there,

      You need a stronger call to action. You're just presenting the website and the products, but you're not urging the prospective customer to buy. It's more of a presentation than a sales copy.

      Also, you should double-check your spelling and grammar. For example: "This letter is for the glamorous woman whose excited..." - where "whose" is actually "who's". This is unacceptable in a copy.

      All the best,
      Typing Pandas
      1) Typos happen. They're frowned upon in general, but typically not UNACCEPTABLE unless an editor or a grammar nazi is the one reading.

      Remember kids, if someone knows, likes, and trusts you, they'll forgive your little **** ups and typos.

      2) It's no more unacceptable than referring to ad copy as "a copy". A copy is a physical, tangible thing, such as a photocopy from a Xerox machine. When you're referring to words on a page, it is simply copy.

      I point this out to you and to lurkers just to make a point - lots of people fixate on bullshit that really doesn't mean anything in the scheme of things.

      Should you spell correctly? Absolutely.

      Will it kill your sales to use the wrong whose/who's? Probably not. That'd require your audience to know more about grammar than you. And at least in American culture, the finer points of English grammar are pretty much lost on entire generations (otherwise the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks wouldn't exist).

      They're not there for grammar. They're there for a solution to their problem (I got all 3 in one sentence, y'all). If they think using the wrong whose disqualifies you from being an expert, then odds are they were not really a true prospect to begin with.
      Signature

      Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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