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Beginners email your views please

by Excitemental
9 replies
Hi all,

I work for an online freight exchange, we are a monthly subscription site aimed at the haulage industry and we introduce companies who need goods delivered to companies who are looking to fill their empty trucks.. A bit like Uship but B2B.

I am putting together an email campaign to get some people to sign up for a free trial of the site by simply replying to the email via a green button. My first attempt is below. Please let em know what you think.

I am a beginner and i understand that this will probably get slated but any constructive help would be great.

What our freight exchange does in a nut shell is help companies find loads and get loads delivered.

here goes...


Are you having trouble finding back loads for your trucks?

With over 90,000 loads every month our freight exchange will help you fill your trucks on return journeys.

But that's not all, you will also find outgoing loads, regular haulage work and be able to sub-out your loads too.


**Sign up for free trial button here - send to email**


**View today loads button here**


Have a look at some of the benefits:

• Save money and increase efficiency by finding back loads for your return journeys.
• Increase your revenue with real-time access to thousands of back loads, outgoing loads and regular loads.
• Take on extra work without having to increase your fleet by finding available vehicles on our exchange.
• Instant notifications when new loads are added in your area saving you time in having to call round for local haulage work.
• Check out existing members feedback & business documents before taking any jobs ensuring you know exactly who you are working with.
• Flexibility for your business, we do not tie you in to any long term contracts like other haulage exchange networks.
• Low membership fees of less than £1 a day, much lower than the competition.

We, company name, are the leading freight exchange in Europe and have been helping thousands of members find and cover haulage work for over 15 years. Hear what some of our members have to say about us.

''The biggest reason we would recommend Company Name is that it helps us sell our loads and find suppliers to build new relationships with.''

''Work I was previously looking at was only one way so Company Name has helped fill the gaps on back journeys.''

''Our Company Name subscription has been the best investment we have made for our business.''

''Company Name helps me cover my vehicles when they are in Europe, saving me from driving empty trucks and wasting fuel.''

We are currently offering you a no obligation, FREE, trial of our freight exchange.

All you need to do to take advantage of this FREE trial is click the 'Green' button to send us a quick email and we will do the rest.
#beginners #email #views
  • Profile picture of the author Oziboomer
    Originally Posted by Excitemental View Post

    Hi all,

    I work for an online freight exchange, we are a monthly subscription site aimed at the haulage industry and we introduce companies who need goods delivered to companies who are looking to fill their empty trucks.. A bit like Uship but B2B.

    I am putting together an email campaign to get some people to sign up for a free trial of the site by simply replying to the email via a green button. My first attempt is below. Please let em know what you think.

    I am a beginner and i understand that this will probably get slated but any constructive help would be great.

    What our freight exchange does in a nut shell is help companies find loads and get loads delivered.

    here goes...


    Are you having trouble finding back loads for your trucks?

    With over 90,000 loads every month our freight exchange will help you fill your trucks on return journeys.

    But that's not all, you will also find outgoing loads, regular haulage work and be able to sub-out your loads too.


    **Sign up for free trial button here - send to email**


    **View today loads button here**


    Have a look at some of the benefits:

    • Save money and increase efficiency by finding back loads for your return journeys.
    • Increase your revenue with real-time access to thousands of back loads, outgoing loads and regular loads.
    • Take on extra work without having to increase your fleet by finding available vehicles on our exchange.
    • Instant notifications when new loads are added in your area saving you time in having to call round for local haulage work.
    • Check out existing members feedback & business documents before taking any jobs ensuring you know exactly who you are working with.
    • Flexibility for your business, we do not tie you in to any long term contracts like other haulage exchange networks.
    • Low membership fees of less than £1 a day, much lower than the competition.

    We, company name, are the leading freight exchange in Europe and have been helping thousands of members find and cover haulage work for over 15 years. Hear what some of our members have to say about us.

    ''The biggest reason we would recommend Company Name is that it helps us sell our loads and find suppliers to build new relationships with.''

    ''Work I was previously looking at was only one way so Company Name has helped fill the gaps on back journeys.''

    ''Our Company Name subscription has been the best investment we have made for our business.''

    ''Company Name helps me cover my vehicles when they are in Europe, saving me from driving empty trucks and wasting fuel.''

    We are currently offering you a no obligation, FREE, trial of our freight exchange.

    All you need to do to take advantage of this FREE trial is click the 'Green' button to send us a quick email and we will do the rest.
    I, Me , We....

    I'm not a copywriter but WIIFM?

    Wouldn't you offer a solution after asking a question in the headline...

    Are you having trouble...etc --- response

    Guaranteed to Fill your truck on your return journey and earn Both Ways...read on...

    here's how... etc

    Oh and why would you need "FREE" when you've already said "No Obligation" ??
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    • Profile picture of the author TjarkHartmann
      Originally Posted by Oziboomer View Post

      I, Me , We....

      I'm not a copywriter but WIIFM?

      Wouldn't you offer a solution after asking a question in the headline...

      Are you having trouble...etc --- response

      Guaranteed to Fill your truck on your return journey and earn Both Ways...read on...

      here's how... etc

      Oh and why would you need "FREE" when you've already said "No Obligation" ??
      He does offer the solution after the question. Is it clear enough? I believe so.

      Free and no obligation aren't the same thing. You can pay for something with no obligation i.e. no contract. Stating "free, no obligation" simply means a risk-free test drive with no payments attached.

      Is your USP the low membership fee and/or no required long term contracts? If so, it might be a good idea to test out mentioning this in the headline and expanding on it in the lead.

      As for the rest of the copy, I agree with SplitTest... it looks good.
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      www.TjarkHartmann.com

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  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    Originally Posted by Excitemental View Post

    Hi all,

    I work for an online freight exchange, we are a monthly subscription site aimed at the haulage industry and we introduce companies who need goods delivered to companies who are looking to fill their empty trucks.. A bit like Uship but B2B.

    I am putting together an email campaign to get some people to sign up for a free trial of the site by simply replying to the email via a green button. My first attempt is below. Please let em know what you think.

    I am a beginner and i understand that this will probably get slated but any constructive help would be great.

    What our freight exchange does in a nut shell is help companies find loads and get loads delivered.

    here goes...


    Are you having trouble finding back loads for your trucks?

    With over 90,000 loads every month our freight exchange will help you fill your trucks on return journeys.

    But that's not all, you will also find outgoing loads, regular haulage work and be able to sub-out your loads too.


    **Sign up for free trial button here - send to email**


    **View today loads button here**


    Have a look at some of the benefits:

    • Save money and increase efficiency by finding back loads for your return journeys.
    • Increase your revenue with real-time access to thousands of back loads, outgoing loads and regular loads.
    • Take on extra work without having to increase your fleet by finding available vehicles on our exchange.
    • Instant notifications when new loads are added in your area saving you time in having to call round for local haulage work.
    • Check out existing members feedback & business documents before taking any jobs ensuring you know exactly who you are working with.
    • Flexibility for your business, we do not tie you in to any long term contracts like other haulage exchange networks.
    • Low membership fees of less than £1 a day, much lower than the competition.

    We, company name, are the leading freight exchange in Europe and have been helping thousands of members find and cover haulage work for over 15 years. Hear what some of our members have to say about us.

    ''The biggest reason we would recommend Company Name is that it helps us sell our loads and find suppliers to build new relationships with.''

    ''Work I was previously looking at was only one way so Company Name has helped fill the gaps on back journeys.''

    ''Our Company Name subscription has been the best investment we have made for our business.''

    ''Company Name helps me cover my vehicles when they are in Europe, saving me from driving empty trucks and wasting fuel.''

    We are currently offering you a no obligation, FREE, trial of our freight exchange.

    All you need to do to take advantage of this FREE trial is click the 'Green' button to send us a quick email and we will do the rest.
    It's actually not bad, excite. Straightforward and presents the benefits well.

    The headline (subject line?) can be tweaked. Instead of "Are you having trouble finding back loads for your trucks?" you can shorten it to "Having trouble finding back loads for your trucks?" ... or even better, incorporate the major benefit of how they can make more $$ by finding reliable back loads... If the headline will be a subject line, you might test something more intriguing against it, to see if you can get better open rates.

    The letter could also be made stronger by agitating "pain points" like how some back load partners are flakes, etc. etc. The letter can be as long as it takes to make a rock-solid sales argument. You might also want to add urgency, with a cut-off date for the free trial or some other premium.

    But all in all, this is not bad at all. You have a draft worth testing. Will be interesting to see what other copywriters have to say about this.
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  • Profile picture of the author nmwf
    My only suggestion would be to make a few things less passive. I.E., turn:
    With over 90,000 loads every month our freight exchange will help you fill your trucks on return journeys.
    into...
    With over 90,000 loads every month, our freight exchange fills your trucks on return journeys.
    ...and
    But that's not all, you will also find outgoing loads, regular haulage work and be able to sub-out your loads too.
    into...
    But that's not all, you also get outgoing loads, regular haulage work and loading sub-outs too.
    or simply...
    We also provide outgoing loads, regular haulage work and loading sub-outs.
    (The use of "But that's not all," "also," and "too" is a bit redundant.)

    Things like that. It makes things a little more definite and less "iffy."
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      You are asking one email to do far to much.

      Here are the steps in b to b cold emails

      1 you first got to ask who you should be talking with
      because you don't know who ok's payment
      Unless you are sure of that when going in.

      2 disqualify them first.
      You do this by asking if they have backload space.
      Then be specific.

      Like...

      ----------------------------------------------------------------------

      Subject: room for a backload?

      Back to LA from Vegas for ongoing dates and different sizes
      ranging from pallet to trailer lots.

      Hit reply if you have.

      Thanks Dave

      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

      3 Set it up in a gmail account so you can track opens
      and follow ups by using a app.

      4 Your follow up with those that reply is about
      how strong their desire is for more backloads
      and why that's so important to them. You are
      looking for self motivated people, not convincing
      people to join.

      As you can see, it's a whole different approach.

      One that has landed me Puma and 7 of NZ's biggest
      brands in their category.

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
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  • Profile picture of the author Excitemental
    Thank you for all your feedback it is really appreciated..

    Ewenmack i'm not sure whether it would change the approach but this email would be sent to the decision makers at the companies. We have their names and email addresses..

    These people are already using a competitors service but the main differences are our membership is less, we have more loads and we do not tie them in to long contracts..

    SplitTest, nmwf i have taken your suggestions and tweaked the copy as suggested.

    i will try a couple of different headers to see which works best to start with, the one i already have and one along the lines of 'Are you paying to much to find back loads?' with an opening response of ''With over 90,000 loads every month for less than a £1 a day our freight exchange fills your trucks on return journeys and makes you money.
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    • Profile picture of the author Sam Sturley
      Originally Posted by Excitemental View Post


      These people are already using a competitors service but the main differences are our membership is less, we have more loads and we do not tie them in to long contracts..
      Boom! There's your sales pitch right there, I would approach it from that angle and hone it on that.

      Something like...

      Having trouble finding back loads for your trucks?

      You will ALWAYS be able to fill your trucks with us - we have over 90k loads every month.

      And at a much lower cost of X per month.

      Wondering if that means you have to sign up for a long-term contract? Nope, we do it X way."

      Then I would go into the benefits list.

      But with the list I wouldn't make general promises like 'increase revenue'. Be specific with some numbers or percentages (on average 15% more revenue) based on your current clients.

      Also, I wouldn't use the term 'but that's not all..' and 'have a look at some of the benefits'. It's just a bit too salesy.

      Going into the pain points as splittest said would be great too.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by Excitemental View Post

      Thank you for all your feedback it is really appreciated..

      Ewenmack i'm not sure whether it would change the approach but this email would be sent to the decision makers at the companies. We have their names and email addresses..

      These people are already using a competitors service but the main differences are our membership is less, we have more loads and we do not tie them in to long contracts..

      i will try a couple of different headers to see which works best to start with, the one i already have and one along the lines of 'Are you paying to much to find back loads?' with an opening response of ''With over 90,000 loads every month for less than a £1 a day our freight exchange fills your trucks on return journeys and makes you money.
      No, you are still asking the reader to make a yes or no decision.
      You are selling the whole proposition on the first contact.

      You must create enough curiosity to get the action
      which at the moment is too much, asking to sign up.

      There needs at least another step in the whole process
      so each step is easy to take.

      Now, I don't know what human resources are available,
      but phone-ins typically have a 2 to 3 times longer life value than
      sending them to the website.

      I've given you the email ready to modify for location.

      Once again, you and so many marketers as well as copywriters
      try to sell on the first contact,
      when multiple steps should be taken and each step has only one job,
      get the reader to take the next step with as little friction as possible.

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile

      P.S.Not only have I got Puma and 7 of the biggest companies in their catagory in New Zealand
      by understanding and using this process, the now #1 guru on cold emailing to businesses, came to me for help.
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  • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
    Way too long. 5 sentences max. Your company sounds great, though, but so do your 200 competitors.

    The main problem is you are selling from the jump.

    Hire Ewen or someone to revise this for you and help you build a proper USP and sales funnel.
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