Calling All Female IM'ers, Help... or males :-)

24 replies
Hi Ladies, and Gents if you are good at marketing to females, I need someone to look over my sales letter and give me some quick advice about if it is "female" friendly. My niche is weightloss/detox for women 25-60 that have families, or want families.

Any good advice would be awesome...

I want to know about length, is it too long, too short, etc
I need to know if the offer is good with the price point
I need to know what is irrelevant content that I can cut out.

Don't want to take too much of anyone's time, but I respect everyone's opinion here and value their advice.

my squeeze page is greenlifeweightloss.com
my sales page is:
greenlifeweightloss.com/greenlifehomepage.html



Thanks!
Charlie
#calling #female #imers #males
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    • Profile picture of the author Dr Livingston
      Ha. I guess you could just click on my sig link. :-) Sheesh. Sometimes I way overthink things!
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      • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
        Hey Charles,

        I think your missing the "The Sell" with your site completely.

        You need a story a star and a solution. You need a story of how Jane Johnson was over weight has two kids and has tried every diet and weight loss pill that has been invented.

        She was so frustrated and desperate to lose weight and it all came down to one "Embarrassing" moment.

        Jane and her daughter were at a amusement park and her daughter "Tammy" wanted to go on a ride, the daughter was so excited. But when Jane and her daughter Tammy got up to the ride.

        Jane could not fit in the seat because of her weight. She was so embarrassed and humiliated she knew that was it. She was desperate.

        Then one day she discovered something amazing (Your Product). She tried it and... Wow! she lost weight!.

        The reality is, frustration and desperation. Losing weight is a very emotional journey

        Hope that helps,

        Bill Jeffels
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        • Profile picture of the author Dr Livingston
          Yeah, Thanks Hesster, That's crazy about the celebrities. It seems like everyone uses it. I don't think controversial magazines ask for permission from the celebrities, do they?

          Check out Green Life Weightloss - No Gimmicks, No Fads, Just The Honest Truth On Getting Rid Of Fat Permanently

          that's my actual sales copy.

          I'm going to change the sqeeze page to a story.

          Then after they opt in, go to the sales page above. (After I take into consideration everyone's comments :-) )

          I think I'm terrible at writing copy because I'm really new at this (That's what I tell myself anyway :-) )
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          • Profile picture of the author Hesster
            Originally Posted by Dr Livingston View Post

            Yeah, Thanks Hesster, That's crazy about the celebrities. It seems like everyone uses it. I don't think controversial magazines ask for permission from the celebrities, do they?

            Check out Green Life Weightloss - No Gimmicks, No Fads, Just The Honest Truth On Getting Rid Of Fat Permanently

            that's my actual sales copy.

            I'm going to change the sqeeze page to a story.

            Then after they opt in, go to the sales page above. (After I take into consideration everyone's comments :-) )

            I think I'm terrible at writing copy because I'm really new at this (That's what I tell myself anyway :-) )
            The case of celebrity magazines like Us and People is different, because they aren't selling a product per se. Sure, they're selling magazines, but that's not the same thing. They don't have to get permission because they're considered to be reporting news. Vapid news for sure, but still news. No different than the sports section of the newspaper with an article about the latest baseball or football star.

            As far as the sales page, I would suggest dropping the graphic photos and video on parasites. Parasites are icky and people don't want to think about them. If you make the person feel sick, they'll want to look away, which is not what you want.

            Also, there's some factual errors on parasites. The video says they live in the stomach, which they don't. You're also going to have to do more justification on them making you fat, because AFAIK, some of the symptoms of parasite infestation are weight loss and malnutrition. They eat the food meant for the host. Awhile back there was even talk about the possibility of using certain species medically as a weight loss aid. Is it gross? Sure. But leeches and maggots are gross too, and are also used medically.

            Like I said, dump the stuff about permanent weight loss, and also reword this:

            Get rid of any conditions (and even disease when others said there was no hope! My clinic is known as an office of last resort)

            It will get you in hot water because it can be interpreted as claiming to cure any disease. In fact, once you get copy you're satisfied with, you may want to have a lawyer look over the page to make sure it's within the bounds of the law.

            Are there plenty of other sites that use celebrities without permission and make claims like this? Sure. But only because they haven't been noticed. If your product becomes popular, someone WILL notice. Then the legal troubles will start. Better to make sure your butt is covered while you're still small.
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        • Profile picture of the author TelegramSam
          Originally Posted by Bill Jeffels View Post

          Hey Charles,

          I think your missing the "The Sell" with your site completely.

          You need a story a star and a solution. You need a story of how Jane Johnson was over weight has two kids and has tried every diet and weight loss pill that has been invented.

          She was so frustrated and desperate to lose weight and it all came down to one "Embarrassing" moment.

          Jane and her daughter were at a amusement park and her daughter "Tammy" wanted to go on a ride, the daughter was so excited. But when Jane and her daughter Tammy got up to the ride.

          Jane could not fit in the seat because of her weight. She was so embarrassed and humiliated she knew that was it. She was desperate.

          Then one day she discovered something amazing (Your Product). She tried it and... Wow! she lost weight!.

          The reality is, frustration and desperation. Losing weight is a very emotional journey

          Hope that helps,

          Bill Jeffels

          What if it isn't true?

          Just another scam then?
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          • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
            Originally Posted by TelegramSam View Post

            What if it isn't true?

            Just another scam then?

            I wasn't telling him to use that story.

            I was showing him an example of a star a story and a solution. I was not telling him to lie. I did not say that.

            I was simply stating that he needs some way to "Hook" his prospects in and take them through the emotions of a good story, that could be solved from a prospect who has used this product. A testimonial.

            Regards,

            Bill Jeffels
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  • Profile picture of the author Shana_Adam
    A few pointers

    the main window area could be better maximized ie when people hit the web page it should be a snapshot summary of what the whole website is about. Some people hate scrolling. So I would move things up a bit.

    The images are a bit too big for my disposition especially seeing that they are yuckkky

    The website looks good I would just tidy things up a little bit and also make the body copy width slightly smaller
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  • First thought - insanely busy. Too much to look at on the first page, you're not using the design of the site to guide the user towards any specific action. Am I supposed to get the free ecourse? Ebook? Watch the video? Oh, I can scroll - is there more? The headlines and bullets don't compel me to read the copy, and when I do read the copy, it doesn't compel me to opt-in.

    And by the way, I'm your target demographic (almost). 22 year old female who wants a family, and is interested in weight loss.

    I think the design needs a rethink (i.e. simplify it quite a bit) to minimize the distractions, and remember the one primary objective of the page, and your copy could use a good rewrite. I might be able to help if need be - feel free to send me a PM.

    - Cherilyn
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  • Profile picture of the author Hesster
    I'm female and 34, but childfree (IE, I don't want any kids). So I don't quite fit into your ideal market.

    One thing I'd caution you about... You need to revise your headline. Advertising permanent weight loss is a BIG NO-NO. The weight loss niche is a bit of a minefield. You have to be aware of the regulations that govern what claims you can make. You have to be careful to only make claims that you can back up with actual data. Otherwise you can get into real trouble with the FDA and FTC. If you're caught making false claims... Well, it won't be pretty.

    Fraud supplement makers fined $16m
    Weight loss book author ordered to pay $37m
    FTC spells out enforcement priorities for deceptive ads

    As far as the page itself. IMHO, it's too hype-y. People have seen all these claims before.

    You need to look more professional in your video. You don't look like people expect a doctor to look. Your hair is messy and your shirt is unbuttoned. Wear a white coat, or at least a more formal shirt. Also, your video cuts off mid-word. Might want to redo that.

    Dump the 'as seen on' part. Unless you can claim some notable media coverage, you're better off without it IMHO. I mean, as seen on Google? YouTube? Twitter? Who isn't these days? Who cares? Now, if you could say something like As Seen on Good Morning America or Oprah, then that would be different.

    You're fighting a lot of skepticism in the weight loss niche. You can't get rid of a significant amount of fat in days without starving yourself or doing marathon workouts. It's simply not possible. Losing a pound of fat means burning approximately 3,500 calories. You can lose weight, but it will be water weight.
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  • Profile picture of the author Hesster
    I was referring to the squeeze page, since that's what's linked in your sig.

    One more thing... You can't use celebrity pictures or even their names in advertising without permission from them or the agent that represents them. Mentioning them by name implies endorsement.
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  • Profile picture of the author Emily Meeks
    19, female, interested in family AND losing weight.

    People have really, really short attention spans. If you can spare a word here and there, by all means do so. Dive right in. Ask me what I want and how successful I am. Tell me a bit about your, or one of your clients', struggle with weight loss.

    Go to Clickbank and browse through their weight-loss programs. Study the sales copy of the best-sellers. Pick it apart - how the headline hooks you in, intro here, question, problem, problem, revolutionary idea, etc... one of the best ways to learn is to study the experts.
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  • Profile picture of the author avani
    A few quick points (I'm female, early twenties, although not looking for family, or particularly interested in weight loss - but I'm equipped with some imagination).

    I second the points above about the page being a bit too busy and numerous distractions. Also, +1 for the fact that the "as seen on"... Google, Youtube etc. does not make sense, and worse, can bring down the credibility factor (if Clickbank is the furthest you got to be seen on, then you'd be better off not mentioning it).

    The pictures are a bit, umm, unpleasant to stare at, you know which ones I'm talking about. I admit I only skimmed over the copy, but I got the feeling you wanted to scare me into buying your product, and I'm not sure - some people may have a "oh, really?" reaction to the almost threatening tone of the letter. The most that some may do is make a mental note to check on the credibility of all the medical-ish claims with at least a second professional opinion/a peek in the local library. As someone pointed out, you have a lot of skepticism to fight and I'm not sure if the first half is helping, it just makes me squeamish - but could be just me. *shrug*

    Then (again, I just skimmed) I notice a change of focus from the "watch out for the parasites, heart disease alert" kind of tone to a "fit in your college jeans, look slimmer/sexier" - I am not sure how you hope this will work. You either target the health freaks, or the wannabe models. If you must hit both aspects, make one of them an aside and the other the main selling point. You could make this a product about awareness and dealing with the health risks of obesity, and softly point out that "it doesn't hurt to look slim again". Again, just my two cents!

    Customer testimonials don't even have email addresses (I understand websites may be too much to as for). How do I know you aren't making them up?

    What's with the "Please Answer Yes!" on the survey? Maybe I'm missing something, but this sounds significantly childish :| The questions are a rhetoric, I would just leave them at that... besides, in a survey that's supposed to help me calculate my motivation, the hints trying to bias me make me suspect the authenticity of the concept, and - I'm afraid - lead me to doubt the seriousness quotient of your website.

    Finally, do give the whole letter a very close read for typos and such when you finalize the overall content and flow. I find some jarring errors, just a couple of examples:

    process,giving (You need a space.)
    ^

    Customer testimonial from Janet W has unusual line breaks.

    " Drinking juice is healthy" (Pointless space.)
    ^

    Cut calories =gain weight faster. (Same as before.)

    ^

    Hope this helps!


    Cheers,
    Avani
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  • Profile picture of the author ecoverartist
    I thought I'd throw my two cents in here -- I'm female, 29 but don't have/don't really want kids. I am interested in health and eating well though, so I'd sort of fit your demographic.

    Right off the bat I find that animated arrow extremely annoying. There are so many things fighting for my attention from the start..Do I see what the arrow has going on or do I watch the video? And there's no good compelling reason for me to watch that video, really. It says "Welcome to my site" -- okay, and?

    As another poster said - be VERY careful about using celebrity names or implying endorsements. That can get you into a boatload of legal trouble. Isn't it the FCC that's cracking down on those diet pill sites that imply endorsement from Oprah and such? I wouldn't imply celebrity endorsement or approval.

    Bottom line -- I didn't see anything her that jumped out at me and compelled me to want to sign up. It sounds a lot like the other "toxins are out to get you" weight loss sites that don't really give you anything specific other than some vague "this will help you look and feel better than you have in years".

    Be direct. If you believe in your product - and I'm sure you do - make sure you make ME want to believe in it too!
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  • Profile picture of the author reedcopywriting
    You really need an interesting headline above the video - one that offers an answer to the question... "whats in it for me?"
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    Ro Reed
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    I Connect With YOUR Reader and SEDUCE Them into Buying YOUR Product!
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  • Dr. Livingston - okay, now I see the problem with your sales copy

    First off, I commend you for going a step further and finding sales pages in your niche that are converting well. Good on you!

    The problem is, though, that you're drawing off of so many different ones that you're mixing elements - and quite honestly, probably the wrong elements - from each letter.

    It has no cohesive feel because you're doing a mix and match style swipe.

    Just my 2c - it may be better to find ONE that converts well, that you like, and rework it from there.

    - Cherilyn
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    Take your product from idea to profit in less than 90 days! Work with me to develop and implement a step-by-step plan for success!
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  • Profile picture of the author Sheila
    A few quick observations concerning your squeezepage . . .

    Having your subscribe box above the fold is good. Wasting valuable virtual real estate on "as seen as" above the fold is not.

    Having a story is good. But it would be better if the story was believable or credible. For your story to be effective, it needs to be written from the perspective of your target audience. I also think that targeting someone who wants to loose 14 dress sizes is limiting your audience considerably. Besides that, there are not many mothers who want to be a size 0. The average woman was never a size 0 as a woman, even before pregnancy. She might have been a 0 in her teen years, but I don't know any woman who wants to go back to being a teen.

    Also, targeting women with 3 children is statistically not in your favor, as that's more than the average number of children in a household.

    It's good that you've asked for feedback, I'm sure all the comments given will help you to craft a more profitable campaign. Even Dan Kennedy has said he immerses himself in women's shows, magazines, etc. to get into the right mindset when writing to a female audience.

    Best of luck to you with your campaign!
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    • Profile picture of the author Dr Livingston
      Originally Posted by Sheila View Post

      A few quick observations concerning your squeezepage . . .

      Having your subscribe box above the fold is good. Wasting valuable virtual real estate on "as seen as" above the fold is not.

      Having a story is good. But it would be better if the story was believable or credible. For your story to be effective, it needs to be written from the perspective of your target audience. I also think that targeting someone who wants to loose 14 dress sizes is limiting your audience considerably. Besides that, there are not many mothers who want to be a size 0. The average woman was never a size 0 as a woman, even before pregnancy. She might have been a 0 in her teen years, but I don't know any woman who wants to go back to being a teen.
      Hi Sheila, thanks for the input. So, what you are saying kind of makes sense. I guess I didin't think that I was targeting women who wanted to drop 14 dress sizes, I just wanted to show how effective this program is. Same with the 3 kids. I know that not every one has 3 kids. I was just trying to convey the fact that even after having 3 kids, she was able to overcome amazing odds and still lose 100lbs.

      Is that message not conveyed? WOW. thank you guys so much for the great feedback. I'm such a man and the female psyche still baffles me ;-)
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      • Profile picture of the author Sheila
        Originally Posted by Dr Livingston View Post

        Hi Sheila, thanks for the input. So, what you are saying kind of makes sense. I guess I didin't think that I was targeting women who wanted to drop 14 dress sizes, I just wanted to show how effective this program is. Same with the 3 kids. I know that not every one has 3 kids. I was just trying to convey the fact that even after having 3 kids, she was able to overcome amazing odds and still lose 100lbs.

        Is that message not conveyed? WOW. thank you guys so much for the great feedback. I'm such a man and the female psyche still baffles me ;-)
        Anyone can read between the lines and make the assumptions you mentioned, but you want to make your story crystal clear and make it be something they can identify with, not something they have to infer. It's the old KISS principal - Keep It Simple Salesperson!
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  • Profile picture of the author avani
    Originally Posted by TelegramSam View Post

    What if it isn't true?

    Just another scam then?
    Also, there's the point that you know what your product is capable of, and you've actually tried it on someone (if that's possible in the context of your product).

    You may not want to reveal the "exact true story" as it was, for reasons of privacy, or that it didn't have enough action (your subject's boyfriend, for instance, didn't mind her being slightly overweight, there goes your spice!).

    So perhaps you keep the core truth and weave a story around it, and if you do it within reasonable limits and don't change the facts that matter (that are, specifically, to do with your product), I wouldn't think of it as a scam.

    Usually you can make out the "mildly spiced up fact" from the completely outrageous, and if you can't, perhaps you'll learn after a couple of times that you have been burned (although that leads a lot of people to being over-paranoid, and sadly kills the good businesses too).


    Just my two cents!


    Cheers,
    Avani
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  • Profile picture of the author Dr Livingston
    Hey all, what about the pics of parasites, too gross, or brings home the point? I want to focus on detox and weight loss naturally, from more of a healing/health perspective... more like Top Secret Fat Loss Secret - Dr. Suzanne Gudakunst B/c I am a Doctor and I am trained in this stuff. So any advice on that?
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  • Profile picture of the author avani
    They looked, erm, a bit gross to me, but maybe that's because I squirm at nearly everything

    Perhaps replace them with smaller pictures - aren't there "better pictures" of these worms out there? I mean, even good-looking worms are disgusting when they are inside you, but they don't have to look "ugh" for you to make your point (I'm thinking some promos I've seen of shows on Discovery, featuring some gross stuff, but the posters looked really appealing).


    Hope this helps,
    Avani
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