Critique this landing page copy please

20 replies
I have a sports website that primarily focuses on two professional sports leagues in the NBA and the NFL. I also concentrate on NCAA Football and Basketball. I would like to know if I should tweak the landing page copy on the home page.
This is what I currently have on the home page of the site

Unbiased sports blogging has just gotten better.

The main purpose of this website is to deliver dynamic content on the latest issues in the world of sports.

Our main area of focus is the NFL, NBA, and NCAA Football and Basketball.

We will try our best not rehash anything that is already being told by the major media.

The site's goal is to become one of the best independent sports websites on the planet.

If you want to take your experience with this platform to the next level then you need to sign up for the Tops Sports.Com newsletter.

With this newsletter you will receive:
1. Unbiased content on the latest issues in sports.
2. NFL game of the week predictions along with breaking down other major events such as the Super Bowl and the NBA Finals
3. Discounted offers on all sports collector items with promo codes included.

If you are interested in this opportunity then simply enter your email address in the contact form below.

(Aweber Optin Form)
#copy #critique #landing #page
  • Profile picture of the author Doug
    Nope. I wouldn't optin. Reads like you are desperate.

    Keep. It. Simple. Keep. It. Ugly.

    One headline, and then nothing else but your optin form, if it were me...IMO.

    "You Are Here For The Best Sports Commentary Get It Direct Right Now!"
    (aweber form)

    Of course, I have no idea how you send traffic to the squeeze but ugly works for me, and yes I test.
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    • Profile picture of the author deebee23
      I drive the majority of my traffic thru social media i.e. Google Plus.

      Originally Posted by Doug View Post

      Nope. I wouldn't optin. Reads like you are desperate.

      Keep. It. Simple. Keep. It. Ugly.

      One headline, and then nothing else but your optin form, if it were me...IMO.

      "You Are Here For The Best Sports Commentary Get It Direct Right Now!"
      (aweber form)

      Of course, I have no idea how you send traffic to the squeeze but ugly works for me, and yes I test.
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  • Profile picture of the author RedShifted
    No way.

    Have you ever heard of "argumentum ad passiones"?

    It's a direct appeal to peoples emotions. Go read some old Gary Halbert sales letters (there are tons you can find in PDF form) then go find the song "O Fortuna", turn it on and rewrite the entire page.
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    • Profile picture of the author deebee23
      Nope I have not heard of it. I asked for how I can tweak it.

      Originally Posted by RedShifted View Post

      No way.

      Have you ever heard of "argumentum ad passiones"?

      It's a direct appeal to peoples emotions. Go read some old Gary Halbert sales letters (there are tons you can find in PDF form) then go find the song "O Fortuna", turn it on and rewrite the entire page.
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      • Profile picture of the author RedShifted
        Originally Posted by deebee23 View Post

        Nope I have not heard of it. I asked for how I can tweak it.
        You need to make an offer people can't refuse.

        Right now, reading the copy I thought, "ok.. so this guy is offering unbias content about sports"?

        Then I thought, "what value does 'unbias' have"?

        And I told myself, "0 value". Everyone claims to be unbias. It's a common claim. The more common the claim the less perceived value it has (at face value).

        So naturally my next question was, "if he's trying to sell me his unbias sports commentary content... what does his content actually look like"?

        Then I realized I can't possibly answer your question w/out seeing your funnel, your site, and everything you're trying to do.

        If it was me, I'd do what a lot of sites are doing right now.

        Prove your claim by writing the unbias content. Make it awesome. Give it a unique and powerful voice. Make the content something people crave and need to read.

        Then use a delayed content lock opt in. So when people land on a specific article on your site, they get invested, taste the value per say, then the optin pops up and blocks or dims out the content.

        I'm working on a music site right now and that's exactly what I plan on doing. Give people temporary access to content they can't refuse, tease them, then have a delayed opt in pop up after they're emotionally invested. I'm not gonna make it mandatory that people enter their emails ... just confusing.

        Maybe that can help you build your list.

        -RS
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  • Profile picture of the author heruma
    I am really confused.

    This is a blog, but the main page or the home page is am opt-in offer.

    When I arrived at your homepage, I was waiting for a picture and snippet to appear after each line (it does look like a tittle to a blog post.)

    People do not care about what your purpose of writing this blog.

    People DO care about what you are offering them.

    Get their attention with your biggest benefit.

    For Example : NFL Game of The Week predictions

    As Doug said, you look desperately want to get their email, Homepage, sidebar, pop-up.

    Have you ever check what is your bounce rate?

    Here is my 2 cents.

    1. If you want this to be a blog, then make it as a blog. Opt-in form at the side is fine, Pop-up is fine, if you want to drive traffic to opt-in, create a page not your home page.

    2. If you want it to be an opt-in page then, for god sake, make it look like and opt in page.
    How?
    Ditch the beautiful pictures. (visitors get distracted and it slow down your site).
    Get a good headline. NFL GAME PREDICTIONS.
    On the left write the benefit they will recieved (stick to the headline)
    On the right, Opt-in page.
    It is very important to have all above the fold.
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    • Profile picture of the author deebee23
      It's a blog but I do not want to make it like a traditional blog. Thanks for the advice by the way.

      Originally Posted by heruma View Post

      I am really confused.

      This is a blog, but the main page or the home page is am opt-in offer.

      When I arrived at your homepage, I was waiting for a picture and snippet to appear after each line (it does look like a tittle to a blog post.)

      People do not care about what your purpose of writing this blog.

      People DO care about what you are offering them.

      Get their attention with your biggest benefit.

      For Example : NFL Game of The Week predictions

      As Doug said, you look desperately want to get their email, Homepage, sidebar, pop-up.

      Have you ever check what is your bounce rate?

      Here is my 2 cents.

      1. If you want this to be a blog, then make it as a blog. Opt-in form at the side is fine, Pop-up is fine, if you want to drive traffic to opt-in, create a page not your home page.

      2. If you want it to be an opt-in page then, for god sake, make it look like and opt in page.
      How?
      Ditch the beautiful pictures. (visitors get distracted and it slow down your site).
      Get a good headline. NFL GAME PREDICTIONS.
      On the left write the benefit they will recieved (stick to the headline)
      On the right, Opt-in page.
      It is very important to have all above the fold.
      Signature

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      • Profile picture of the author deebee23
        Thanks for the advice. I went ahead and removed the pics of the home page and got rid of the desperate landing page copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    As someone who is interested in these sports, I don't see any value in the content you're offering. Why would I come to you site vs the Bleacher Report? Or any of the dozens of other high quality sports sites?

    I read a couple of your articles and they're just not up to par. Poorly written with a lot of mistakes throughout. You can get away with that stuff for SEO articles but when you're actually trying to build and engage an audience you need well-written, high quality content.

    Read some professional articles and take notes of how they're structured. Learn about grammar and punctuation. Learn the importance of using quotes within a story.

    At the moment every article is just an opinion piece, without a strong voice, so why should people keep coming back to your site? What makes your articles worth reading compared to everything else out there?
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    • Profile picture of the author deebee23
      How do you know that I don't already have an audience? On top of that who said I was trying to be the next Bleacher Report?


      Originally Posted by Tim R View Post

      As someone who is interested in these sports, I don't see any value in the content you're offering. Why would I come to you site vs the Bleacher Report? Or any of the dozens of other high quality sports sites?

      I read a couple of your articles and they're just not up to par. Poorly written with a lot of mistakes throughout. You can get away with that stuff for SEO articles but when you're actually trying to build and engage an audience you need well-written, high quality content.

      Read some professional articles and take notes of how they're structured. Learn about grammar and punctuation. Learn the importance of using quotes within a story.

      At the moment every article is just an opinion piece, without a strong voice, so why should people keep coming back to your site? What makes your articles worth reading compared to everything else out there?
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      • Profile picture of the author Tim R
        Originally Posted by deebee23 View Post

        How do you know that I don't already have an audience? On top of that who said I was trying to be the next Bleacher Report?
        If you had an audience they would be engaging with you on the site. That's not happening.

        You're here asking for help, but it seems you can't handle feedback... good luck with it.
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      • Profile picture of the author cwright
        Originally Posted by deebee23 View Post

        How do you know that I don't already have an audience? On top of that who said I was trying to be the next Bleacher Report?
        He's only saying, if you don't provide anything more unique or compelling than what another already established site provides, then why would a visitor choose your site over theirs? Nobody here is attacking you personally, they are trying to help.
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        • Profile picture of the author deebee23
          I never said that you guys were. Listen I have the engagement piece on Google Plus. I am looking for away to get them off of Google Plus and on to my email list. If my articles are so bad then why am I constantly contacted by other bigger sites asking for me to write for them? I asked for advice on how to tweak a home landing page on my site not my articles. But thanks for the advice because I have already made the necessary changes.

          Originally Posted by cwright View Post

          He's only saying, if you don't provide anything more unique or compelling than what another already established site provides, then why would a visitor choose your site over theirs? Nobody here is attacking you personally, they are trying to help.
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          • Profile picture of the author Jennifer Hutson
            Originally Posted by deebee23 View Post

            I never said that you guys were. Listen I have the engagement piece on Google Plus. I am looking for away to get them off of Google Plus and on to my email list. If my articles are so bad then why am I constantly contacted by other bigger sites asking for me to write for them? I asked for advice on how to tweak a home landing page on my site not my articles. But thanks for the advice because I have already made the necessary changes.
            Although you asked for advice regarding your home page, Tim asks a valid question – and he's right about your grammar/voice issues.

            What good does it do you to tighten up the home page if your articles are lacking? They are the heartbeat of your site.

            If I redlined one of your articles, you might be surprised at the enormous amount of basic grammar mistakes you've got going on (mostly with commas and showing possession).

            That's not to say you can't improve them, which was Tim's suggestion in the first place. He was spot on advising you to read up on how to fix those errors and read other sports sites to get a better feel of how to develop a strong voice.

            You seem to be knowledgeable about your niche. I personally think if you followed that advice, you could eventually have a great sports blog.

            However, if you continue getting defensive about the advice you're given and have no interest in correcting those errors, I doubt that will be the case.
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            • Profile picture of the author deebee23
              How would you know if you haven't seen it?


              Originally Posted by Jennifer Hutson View Post

              Although you asked for advice regarding your home page, Tim asks a valid question - and he's right about your grammar/voice issues.

              What good does it do you to tighten up the home page if your articles are lacking? They are the heartbeat of your site.

              If I redlined one of your articles, you might be surprised at the enormous amount of basic grammar mistakes you've got going on (mostly with commas and showing possession).

              That's not to say you can't improve them, which was Tim's suggestion in the first place. He was spot on advising you to read up on how to fix those errors and read other sports sites to get a better feel of how to develop a strong voice.

              You seem to be knowledgeable about your niche. I personally think if you followed that advice, you could eventually have a great sports blog.

              However, if you continue getting defensive about the advice you're given and have no interest in correcting those errors, I doubt that will be the case.
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              • Profile picture of the author Jennifer Hutson
                Originally Posted by deebee23 View Post

                How would you know if you haven't seen it?
                Maybe I did see it...because you put your domain in your OP? Lol.

                "sign up for the Tops Sports.Com newsletter."
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          • Profile picture of the author Tim R
            Originally Posted by deebee23 View Post

            I never said that you guys were. Listen I have the engagement piece on Google Plus. I am looking for away to get them off of Google Plus and on to my email list. If my articles are so bad then why am I constantly contacted by other bigger sites asking for me to write for them? I asked for advice on how to tweak a home landing page on my site not my articles. But thanks for the advice because I have already made the necessary changes.
            I highly doubt you're constantly getting approached by big sites, unless your idea of a big site is a poorly written blog run by a 13 year old kid in Indonesia.

            Big sites employ journalists who have a fundamental understanding of the rules of English grammar. This is something you lack and your articles suffer as a result.

            Do you even realize that in one of your articles you refer to yourself as Michael Jordan? You also refer to Deron Williams as Darren. I could list dozens of other mistakes from just one article.

            Do you actually want to improve and grow your audience or just bury your head in the sand and pretend you're producing high quality content?

            If you want people to sign up for your list you need to offer them something of value. The content you create needs to be good enough that they'll want to read more of it. At the moment, it's not.

            I'm telling you this as someone who is in your target market. Ignore it if you want.
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            • Profile picture of the author deebee23
              Thanks for your input. You won lol.
              Originally Posted by Tim R View Post

              I highly doubt you're constantly getting approached by big sites, unless your idea of a big site is a poorly written blog run by a 13 year old kid in Indonesia.

              Big sites employ journalists who have a fundamental understanding of the rules of English grammar. This is something you lack and your articles suffer as a result.

              Do you even realize that in one of your articles you refer to yourself as Michael Jordan? You also refer to Deron Williams as Darren. I could list dozens of other mistakes from just one article.

              Do you actually want to improve and grow your audience or just bury your head in the sand and pretend you're producing high quality content?

              If you want people to sign up for your list you need to offer them something of value. The content you create needs to be good enough that they'll want to read more of it. At the moment, it's not.

              I'm telling you this as someone who is in your target market. Ignore it if you want.
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  • Profile picture of the author bray39
    I did just as you asked.have a great night
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