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Honest and Objective Review of Sales Letter Please

by davgonz90
16 replies
First and foremost, this is not an attempt to promote my offer...so please don't flag

Here's a link to my sales page.

I used paid advertising to acquire traffic, and so far, I haven't received any sales after 400 unique visits.

Any thoughts?

Thanks everyone.
#honest #letter #objective #review #sales
  • Profile picture of the author StingGB
    I'm not a copywriter, and I'm sure you'll get the critique you are looking for here fairly soon but ...

    You show a screenshot claiming multiple daily sales, yet you post here saying you can't get a single $5 sale from 400 paid leads.

    Doesn't add up to me.
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    • Profile picture of the author davgonz90
      Originally Posted by StingGB View Post

      I'm not a copywriter, and I'm sure you'll get the critique you are looking for here fairly soon but ...

      You show a screenshot claiming multiple daily sales, yet you post here saying you can't get a single $5 sale from 400 paid leads.

      Doesn't add up to me.
      I'm in a coaching group and my mentor told me to use his screenshots...
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        People are getting much higher sales by teaching
        first so the subscriber believes he can achieve the
        first one or two steps towards his ultimate goal.

        He now trusts and believes in you also now.

        Once given those couple of teachings,
        then you let him know he can reach his
        goal faster and with more certainty with
        your fast-track training.

        It beats "buy my stuff" from a stranger,
        as you would expect.

        Best,
        Doctor E. Vile
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        • Profile picture of the author davgonz90
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          People are getting much higher sales by teaching
          first so the subscriber believes he can achieve the
          first one or two steps towards his ultimate goal.

          He now trusts and believes in you also now.

          Once given those couple of teachings,
          then you let him know he can reach his
          goal faster and with more certainty with
          your fast-track training.

          It beats "buy my stuff" from a stranger,
          as you would expect.

          Best,
          Doctor E. Vile
          Hi Doctor Vile, thank you for your input.

          Would you suggest giving away free educational videos first...then take them to the sales page?

          As far as the content itself, did you see any noticeable flaws or design elements that's hurting my progress? Is the sales page too long?

          I appreciate your feedback in advance sir.
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          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            Originally Posted by davgonz90 View Post

            Hi Doctor Vile, thank you for your input.

            Would you suggest giving away free educational videos first...then take them to the sales page?

            As far as the content itself, did you see any noticeable flaws or design elements that's hurting my progress? Is the sales page too long?

            I appreciate your feedback in advance sir.
            Yes, give some of the how to's first,
            say 2 or 3.

            They are part of, say 7 steps, to reach the desired outcome.

            I didn't take a real look at your sales page.

            It's the pre-selling that's going to have the biggest
            influence on your overall sales.

            Part of that pre-sales process, which can give you free traffic,
            is at the end of each pre-sell training video is to offer the next
            one free if they recommend it to friends on Facebook and Twitter,
            or pay x number of dollars to access the next part.

            There's software that makes the content locked away and opened if shared.

            Best,
            Doctor E. Vile
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            • Profile picture of the author chillheart
              I was JUST lurking at some dude's site that talks about this -- and why NOT to say "automation" as a key point.

              If you're going to say "It's Automated!", then back up that claim with video proof.

              Originally Posted by Jason Fladlien

              What about automation?
              Don't believe them... UNLESS they show you a demonstration. Automation is a power word that can absolutely get you to want to buy! That's why you have seen a lot of these ClickBank launches USE that word in the headline.

              The problem - nothing is automated! So don't believe that something is automated JUST because the headline says it is. ONLY believe it MAY be automated if they show a demonstration of the automation on the sales page.
              tl;dr Add video proof that your automated system is actually automated. Otherwise nobody's gonna believe you.
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              Chillin' hard...
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              • Profile picture of the author davgonz90
                Originally Posted by chillheart View Post

                I was JUST lurking at some dude's site that talks about this -- and why NOT to say "automation" as a key point.

                If you're going to say "It's Automated!", then back up that claim with video proof.

                tl;dr Add video proof that your automated system is actually automated. Otherwise nobody's gonna believe you.
                Hey man, thanks for feedback.

                The thing is, whole "automated" process takes a few hours to setup, so it would be difficult to show them without revealing exactly what I do.

                Should I remove the "automated" part altogether?
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              • Profile picture of the author splitTest
                Why does your youtube video (currently) have just 7 views?

                Anyway, the letter, imho, sounds like much of the same unsubstantiated "pie in the sky" nonsense that's all over the internet.

                You'd need faaaar more than 400 visits to find someone so "innocent" that they fall for that. And that person probably won't have a credit card.

                Know why pitches like that sometimes work? For the same reason the Nigerian Banking emails sometimes work(ed): massive lists that make a few "dupes" a mathematical possibility, however slight.

                That copy has many of the ingredients of good copy, but it's like the difference between wax fruit and the real thing. Somehow it still has little substance, little credibility, and no USP to speak of...

                I realize this review probably doesn't help much... No offense intended... But I think your biggest problem is just a general lack of credibility... based primarily on displaying little differentiation from all the other "make money" product pitches littering the internet...
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                • Profile picture of the author davgonz90
                  Originally Posted by splitTest View Post

                  Why does your youtube video (currently) have just 7 views?

                  Anyway, the letter, imho, sounds like much of the same unsubstantiated "pie in the sky" nonsense that's all over the internet.

                  You'd need faaaar more than 400 visits to find someone so "innocent" that they fall for that. And that person probably won't have a credit card.

                  Know why pitches like that sometimes work? For the same reason the Nigerian Banking emails sometimes work(ed): massive lists that make a few "dupes" a mathematical possibility, however slight.

                  That copy has many of the ingredients of good copy, but it's like the difference between wax fruit and the real thing. Somehow it still has little substance, little credibility, and no USP to speak of...

                  I realize this review probably doesn't help much... No offense intended... But I think your biggest problem is just a general lack of credibility... based primarily on displaying little differentiation from all the other "make money" product pitches littering the internet...
                  Hey man.

                  No offense taken. I appreciate the feedback.

                  I consider the product to be pretty good, but I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a very good salesman.

                  I actually worked very hard on the product and bonuses, and did my best to provide genuine value...which is why is sucks when nobody seems interested (I really am interested in helping people, newbies especially).

                  Does it seem too "hypy"?

                  Should I cut it down to less than 1,000 words?

                  Thanks.
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                  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
                    Originally Posted by davgonz90 View Post

                    Hey man.

                    No offense taken. I appreciate the feedback.

                    I consider the product to be pretty good, but I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a very good salesman.

                    I actually worked very hard on the product and bonuses, and did my best to provide genuine value...which is why is sucks when nobody seems interested (I really am interested in helping people, newbies especially).

                    Does it seems too "hypy"...

                    Should I cut it down to less than 1,000 words?

                    Thanks.
                    Frankly yes, it does sound "hypy" (and length doesn't matter -- it's what you say that counts...)

                    Perfect descriptive phrase for that copy is (TCN's) "paint by the numbers"...

                    People have seen virtually that same pitch time and time again...

                    Personally, I think the thing that would help you most (if anything) is finding a really good USP... Then hang a unique story on that, proofs, etc.
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                    • Profile picture of the author davgonz90
                      Originally Posted by splitTest View Post

                      Frankly yes, it does sound "hypy" (and length doesn't matter -- it's what you say that counts...)

                      Perfect descriptive phrase for that copy is (TCN's) "paint by the numbers"...

                      People have seen virtually that same pitch time and time again...

                      Personally, I think the thing that would help you most (if anything) is finding a really good USP... Then hang a unique story on that, proofs, etc.
                      It's not what I wanted to hear, but it's honest, so thanks man.

                      (Anyone else willing to pitch in an idea or two, feel free).
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Dude there are thousands of chancers throwing up pages like this. It comes across as amateurish and unbelievable. It's like a "paint by numbers" salespage. No wonder it's not working. That video is an absolute stinker - facepalm material.
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    • Profile picture of the author davgonz90
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Dude there are thousands of chancers throwing up pages like this. It comes across as amateurish and unbelievable. It's like a "paint by numbers" salespage. No wonder it's not working. That video is an absolute stinker - facepalm material.
      Dang, that bad huh?

      I don't think I'm going to scrap it until I've given it a fair shot at least.

      Haha, well I'm no actor

      Got any tips as far the copy is concerned?

      Thanks.
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  • Profile picture of the author Harti
    Lol. Are you trying to use hypnosis on the audience with the video?

    "Read eeeeeevery single wooooord on this paaaage."

    about 5 times in 2 minutes..

    If that's true.. Instead of using douchy tactics like this, provide a great amount of honest value and they will be yours.
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  • Profile picture of the author Nordstrom
    A couple of things I've noticed that you can fix:

    1.Your tonality in the video is horrible. It is important to show in the first 3 seconds that I as a customer can trust that you are smart, enthusiastisc and an authority. You did not succeed in that and the answer why is simple - you sound very unsure (the "..Umh..."s is 1 easy thing you can get rid off) . Fix that and you will have more believability going into the letter.

    Check out Jordan Belfort or Ben Feldman for tonality. Ben should suit you better if you identify as introverted

    2. You have a rather big promise as the headline, nothing wrong with. Try to explain the "big promise" earlier on and be a bit more specific. I think you wrote something about "1 simple trick" you used so try to explain that a bit more ( you don't have to give the entire game away but a big promise has to be adressed before you the prospects BS. detectors fire off!

    3. You are also asking them to believe something rather big - that this program requires no (or little) knowledge. I don't see you proving it and when you write a bullet point that tells them you will show the how to set up a website, they will get ******* scared because you've not proven that this will be automatic (something that is promised).

    P.S. I am not trying to burn you or anything I am just giving you what I saw on my first glance and I really do wish someone was harsh on me for my first online sales letter because that shit was horrible.
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  • Profile picture of the author TypingPandas
    Hey there,

    Try to back up everything you're saying with more arguments. You want to convince the audience and this piece is not that convincing. Tell the readers why should they use the system and how will it help them. Don't just praise the system. The readers don't want to find out if the system is good; they want to find out if the system is good for THEM.

    Also, I would give up the video or make a more professional one.

    Hope this helps!

    TypingPandas
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