Please critique my sales page when you get a spare moment

12 replies
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I was about ready to publish this page for more of the world to see after I'd honed and tweaked and fine-tuned this, but I thought I'd try to get some fresh eyes on it before publishing.

I think I'm missing something, just not sure. What do you think?

Thanks in advance.

Dave
(the link doesn't load in Firefox for some reason.)

https://www.dropbox.com/s/89rlksj739...tion.docx?dl=0
#critique #moment #page #sales #spare
  • Profile picture of the author Jennifer Hutson
    1300 words later and we still have no idea what your report is actually about. All I know is that I'll be able to magically produce a novel in 90 days.

    You need to explain your product better. How exactly are you going to help me as a writer? Telling me I'm going to be able to write a novel in three months is not enough. You need to show me why I need this report to fast-track my novel writing career.

    Overall, the copy left me bored and confused. Go back to the drawing board on this one.

    On a side note, you really need to have someone proofread this for you. You have a boatload of glaring grammatical errors throughout the report and they shred your credibility. If I'm buying from a writing expert, I better not be finding writing errors in their report. I saw at least 20.
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    There are a lot of things I can comment on (such as you ALL CAPS
    HEADLINE--a no, no) but I think the letter is structured wrong.

    Here is a suggested STRUCTURE:

    1. Start with your story of winning your contest.
    2. Tell how you graduated into a novelist--awards won, stories sold--anything
    to build your credibility.
    3. Say HOW you discovered your shortcuts (the report will contain the WHAT)
    4. List the benefits of your report
    5. Answer OBJECTIONS--disbelief that the prospect can really do this in 90 days
    6. Present the VALUE of the report and why they are getting it so cheap.
    7. Ask for the sale.

    -Ray Edwards
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    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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    • Profile picture of the author chillheart
      Oi. The whole thing needs to be scrapped and rewritten.

      * The headline you have right now is actually just a pre-header/call out.

      * Is it "FINISHED in 3 months" ...or... "FIRST DRAFT in 3 months"? This goal varies in the sales letter.

      * Why are you inviting them to complete a task that doesn't involve clicking "Add To Cart"? Ask them to open or mark their calendar after the sale, but not before.

      * No point in telling that "my first published writing" story. With the way it is now, it doesn't add emotion, curiosity, or benefits to the reader.

      Again, rewrite it from scratch and follow what Raydal said about structure:

      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      There are a lot of things I can comment on (such as you ALL CAPS
      HEADLINE--a no, no) but I think the letter is structured wrong.

      Here is a suggested STRUCTURE:

      1. Start with your story of winning your contest.
      2. Tell how you graduated into a novelist--awards won, stories sold--anything
      to build your credibility.
      3. Say HOW you discovered your shortcuts (the report will contain the WHAT)
      4. List the benefits of your report
      5. Answer OBJECTIONS--disbelief that the prospect can really do this in 90 days
      6. Present the VALUE of the report and why they are getting it so cheap.
      7. Ask for the sale.

      -Ray Edwards
      Signature
      Chillin' hard...
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Originally Posted by StarkContrast View Post

    Ladies and Gentlemen,
    I was about ready to publish this page for more of the world to see after I'd honed and tweaked and fine-tuned this, but I thought I'd try to get some fresh eyes on it before publishing.

    I think I'm missing something, just not sure. What do you think?

    Thanks in advance.

    Dave
    (the link doesn't load in Firefox for some reason.)

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/89rlksj739...tion.docx?dl=0
    You're using a WHOLE LOT of words, but you're still not saying much.

    Aside from the writing being overly wordy, you're tap-dancing around the nucleolus of the message instead of nailing the bullseye right out of the gate.

    Most writers never finish what they start because they lack the work habits of a writer and don't understand that writing is more about process than end results.

    BUT...they THINK their problem is writer's block and procrastination. And they're so immersed in this symptom, they can't see past it until you get them out of the woods with your product.

    So you need to sell first, so you can solve later. Right now, you're trying to solve their problem in your letter, when most likely, they don't even understand it well enough to hear you. It's like trying to teach a drowning person to swim while they're trying desperately not to sink.

    Again, sell first so you can solve later...

    Finish Your Novel in 90 Days or Your Money Back!

    What if you could STOP procrastinating, wipe our writer's block and have a fully polished novel in your hands in just 12 short weeks?

    Imagine the look on your friend's faces when you proudly place a crisp, glossy, full-color printed copy of your BRAND NEW novel in their hands. Imagine them saying:

    "Wow, I started reading your book last night and I can't put it down! Can I get another copy for my friend?"

    BAM! There's your first book sale!


    ...paint the picture. Give them the life raft, not the entire damn swimming lesson. That's what they're paying you for.
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    • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
      As Jennifer said. You basically have a blind sales letter.

      Sure, I know what you say I should get from it, but that only leaves questions.

      I have no idea what I'll get other than the "supposed" outcome.

      Patrick
      Signature
      Free eBook =>
      The Secret To Success In Any Business
      Yes, Any Business!
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  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    You lost me right away by using what should be eyebrow copy as a headline...
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    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      Originally Posted by Tim R View Post

      You lost me right away by using what should be eyebrow copy as a headline...
      Been around for a long time, this is new to me, I don't know what "eyebrow copy" is? Could you shed some light please?

      gjabiz
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Agency mumbo jumbo...meaning:

    "eyebrow'
    In copy, this is a short, introductory headline that appears in smaller type and is featured above the main headline."


    Source: (Web Copywriting Glossary)

    By that ^ definition, I'd agree.
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  • Profile picture of the author winnermarketing
    ┬žI give you only aesthetic judgment
    you could add some simbols/immages!
    Signature

    Free Guide to Make Money Online [Now!]
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  • Profile picture of the author ChrisNosal
    Banned
    First of all, don't make any mention of the fact what you or your niche does can be difficult - "It may seem like an insurmountable task, but"... eliminate that and see how much more powerful it looks if you're thinking like a customer.

    Be more concrete - "Imagine the thrill of having finally completed that
    novel that's lived inside you for months or years."

    In terms of specifics, which creates a connection with your customer, that's like say, "food" and "shark eating your leg" - one creates VISUALS which creates EMOTIONS.

    Create a solid, concrete image, so real, that if you described your vision for my life (aka your sales letter to me), I'd see the exact same picture you see.

    Do they care about having a "completed novel" or "imagine feeling the hardcover book, staring at the cover of a million-dollar bestseller that on exists because YOU imagined it and gave it life".

    No one dreams of "writing a novel" - they dream of being a bestselling author, and having millions of people impacted by their work - the more the better.

    You're not "selling a product"... you're creating a VISION of your customer's future.
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  • Profile picture of the author TypingPandas
    Hi there,

    Sincerely, there is nothing in that sales page that draws my attention. There should be more headlines and subtitles that stand out. Also, you should insist on the benefits that the clients get from buying the product. It's not all about selling and money, but also about how it makes them feel and think. Create a story that helps people believe in something; that sells hope and emotions, because people are tired from all the advertising popping up from everywhere. Try to be different and creative. Good luck!

    Best,
    Typing Pandas
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    • Profile picture of the author StarkContrast
      I appreciate all those who took the time to review and critique my sales page. I've had a decent period of time to process the comments and to adjust some of the text accordingly. You have been very helpful and have given me a perspective I never would have had.

      Thanks.
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